on confronting my wife about her having an A, which I believe has ended,. It just did'nt feel right with it being her B-day and V-day this week. We are going to a V-day dance this weekend and I'm hoping I'll notice a change in her towards me. I know that I will have to bring this up to her eventually, I just want me to figure out a way to discuss it with her in a loving and caring way.
I've also been thinking over the weekend about this. Do any of you think that she has distanced herself from me because she thinks that if I find out about the A, she thinks that I will end our marriage? Possibly with her thinking like this she has already assumed the worse case senerio and is preparing herself, or am I completly just wishing and hoping? Any input or coments????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi Bilbo,

It's your decision regarding the timing.

As far as what your W is thinking.... I haven't got a clue. You probably know better than anyone. I would suggest focusing your thoughts on facts, rather than "What If" scenarios... These will just drive you crazy!

If you're sure that she's having/had an A, then confront her with the facts that you've found. No matter how you present it, it's going to be a major LB for her.

Have you thought of any boundaries that you'd like to implement when you confront your W?... NO CONTACT, accounting for time, passwords for cell phone, e-mail, ect.???

One thing that the book Torn Asunder recommended... Don't worry about confronting your WS... if they are having an A, then you've already lost them to the OP... you've got nothing to lose when you confront them and everything (your M!!) to gain by doing so. It may be the "wake up" call that they need for them to start ending the A.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I thought I already said described all this as being reasons for her not to tell and that you need to work on creating the safe environment for her. And not just one that is safe, but also that she can perceive as safe.

It's hard to know what her main motivations are. Usually it's a combination of factors. But yeah, I would most definitely say that your potential reaction (end of marriage) is one reason she is not more open. But it's probably more like "being left with nothing" that she is seeing it as.

Anyway, you're actions should still be the same.

I wish you luck but I believe you are making a major mistake. When the affair is acknowledged then the understanding and the recovery of the marriage can begin. This is the way to address her problems and your problems that caused the affair and to hopefully stop this from happening again in the future. Your attempt to go into denial mood will be counterproductive in the future. I believe down the line you will kick yourself for not dealing with the situation. Most experts believe that by not dealing with the affair and bringing it to the surface for discussion will only lead to similar problems in the future. Being an ostrich will not solve the problems that caused her to have an affair. You need to fight for your marriage and have a marriage based on honesty and integrity for each other. Your marriage has been hit by an earthquake and you are hoping that the foundation of the house will somehow fix itself if you simply do not deal with the problem. I believe you are making a fundamental mistake and you will end up regretting this in the future.

Bilbo:

I'm sure that if Gandalf were here, he'd tell you to confront.

Sorry for that LOTR humor. But I have to admit I'm amazed to hear that you have apparently found evidence that your W is having, or has had an A, and you've managed somehow to contain your emotions so that she can't tell you know???

That would have been utterly impossible for me to do.

You need to move on to the next stage. And that is finding out whether she wants your M enough to ensure that this won't happen again. Then you both have a LOT of work to do in order to rebuild your M.

Good luck to both of you,
-Qfwfq

My only evidence right now is lots of calls on her cell phone to a co-worker. When I get the mail, the bills disapear within a day. And she has not shown me any affection in 5 months. I know that it is a mistake to wait, I just want to have all the thoughts in my head befor I go off half cocked. I know that this will be a major life changing ordeal and I need to know that my evidence is solid, because I know that she will deny the A. I dont know if it makes any sence to you all, so please tell me straight.

Bilbo:

That makes perfect sense to me. I had emails with explicit sexual content in them to go by. It was obvious there was an A, both an EA and a PA.

I understand you wanting to make sure you're suspicions are right before you confront. Based on what you've said, it's highly likely she's having some kind of A.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

Bilbo --

It's a huge mistake to try to conduct "business as usual" when outing an A. Life becomes a charade, a sham, more unstable and hurtful to both parties.
You've said it yourself: "I know that it is a mistake to wait."

I agree with Brianp: I'd cancel those V-Day plans and sit down quietly with your W and tell her what you are feeling. I think more incriminating than the cell phone bills is five months without any affection; her mind and emotions are elsewhere.

Your evidence is as solid as it needs to be to be able to express your doubts and fears to her. What does your gut tell you? I'm sorry that what you're feeling is also what we're feeling.

Definitely be prepared for denials and "explanations" and even anger ("how you could think such a thing?"), but something in your relationship is not right, something's amiss. Even if all of us are wrong about the A (not likely), at least your discussion will provide a starting point for correcting the problems.

Talk with her, get it out now. You owe it to yourself and to your marriage, and really to her. We wish you the very best. Let us know the results.

Ammon

Thank you all for your input. I will try and discuss this with her this week. I know it will be difficult, But I don't think that things can get any worse, other than her moving out. I just wish that I had somebody to talk to. Don't get me wrong you all have been great but sometimes a person needs to talk rather than type.
Any other comments out there?

Bilbo:

I agree. It's very helpful to have someone to talk to. Have you considered calling one of the Harleys? They are more expensive per session than most, but they are GOOD, and you will probably save a lot in the long haul because they are also EFFICIENT.

-Qfwfq

Hi Bilbo,
You have some interesting things going on in your life right now. ( am I the king of understatement or what??)

I think I would agree that timing is important. I think I would wait until after her birthday and after valentines day. I believe I would really show her a good time - show her she can have fun with you and that you can pay attention to her and make her happy.

Then, after a few days you can bring up your doubts and fears. I know you think that the A is over, and I hope it is. I try to consider all the "maybes" - in one of your posts, you mentioned that OM may have LB'd and it could be over because of they way she acted and she cried a lot. It maybe that it went from EA to PA at that time, and that she had so much guilt that she broke it off. I have seen that happen before here in past histories. I don't want to cause more worry, but I want you to consider that there is much you don't know and that this may not go like you want it to go. I believe you need to follow Orchids suggestions from a little ways back.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Orchids suggestions:
1. Don't accuse.
2. Let her know that something is bothering you.
3. Tell her you don't feel real safe or comfortable with your current relationship.
4. Let her know you have check out how M's should really be and feel you both don't have that now..... ask her for her reasons why that might be.
5. Direction here is to try and draw her out in an attempt to help you understand.
6. Don't worry if she gets angry on you. If so you can then drop back and say, well that's why I don't feel safe in our R. I want to feel safe with trust and love but something is preventing it. Do you know what it is?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We don't know your past history, we don't know any issues she may have had with you. I can't recall if your parents ever moved out. ( if not, you should promise her that they will and give her a date.) You can even tell her up front that you want to talk to her and ask when she would be able to do it. Do your best to calm her fears, for she will be afraid, just like you will. Make up your mind that you won't LB no matter what you find out. Your choices should be to stay and talk calmly or walk away because you are too hurt to continue - no other choices accepted.

You can just say something like " I have had a lot on my mind lately, and I need to talk to you about it. Would tonight after dinner be a good time for you? "
Pay close attention to what Orchid has outlined, I believe it will work well.

I agree with Qfwfq , you should call the Harleys for counseling. What is saving your M worth to you?

I would also get SAA and read it before you talk. It tells you some things to be ready for, and it helps you know how to proceed to repair things.

At this point you are doing an exploratory, you should NOT try to teach her or get her to read HNHN unless she tells you strongly that she wants to fix things and will do anything make things right. That will come in time, but please don't bring HNHN up now unless she is very willing to go to work right now. If she was in an A, she will be in withdrawal for a time, and will need time to process her pain. You will do better to help her get through that to where she can actively work on your M before you push solutions on her. Just finding out what is going on, and telling her you want her and want to work things out is probably enough for now.

I would add one thing to what Orchid said. The goal of this discussion should be to find a starting place to begin to work on your M. Having said that, I suggest one final thing be added.

7. Offer her your support and love.
Tell her that you love her and want your M to heal, tell her you are sorry for not understanding her, and for not making her happy. Tell her that you wish to do things and that you plan on doing them but that you need her help and feedback to do it. In her mind you have done some things wrong, it never hurts to apologize, even if you don't understand it all. It needs to be sincere when you do it.

Hope this helps at least a little bit.

SS

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Bilbo,
I am so sorry. Please re-read all of the replies on your previous thread. I believe that most advised you to go ahead and confront her, this is not going to go away.

You believe that an A is involved but you don't want to spoil her B-day or Valentines day? I have to ask you, HOW can YOU enjoy them when you think you are being cheated on?

This is not all about her, it's about YOU and your life. You deserve to know what you are dealing with and she owes you the truth.

Please do not continue coddling her, please do not buy red roses and look the other way! PLEASE sit down and tell her what you think and get on with your life. You will not be able to make any progress until this is in the open.

The truth may hurt, it is impossible to change the past, the future is in your hands.