just wondering if anyone else has had this problemm. I've been married for 5 yrs. we were not virgins when we were married, however we did abstain from intimacy. so we've been married for five years. in that five years i can count on one hand the new things we've tried. for whatever reason my spouse is just not sexual.
was under the impression that when you got married that that was the time to experiment with your eternal partner, to be creative, etc. unfortunately I was wrong the reality of it is that intimacy seems non existant, once every other month is adequated enough. and one position will due fine. which needless to say is very frustrating. If i had the opportunity to do it all again. i probably would'nt get married. although i love my wife i am truly not happy. does anyone else have this problem?

jackflash,

Welcome to MB. I am not in the same situation, but have some questions. Do you know why your wife is not interested? Is it medical? religious? upbringing? apathy? Does she know how important it is to you and how unhappy you are in the marriage because of it? I think first you must know why. Then you need to make sure that she is aware of how important it is to you. Is she generally selfish or is this an anomaly in the relationship? Have you filled out the Emotional Needs Questionairre from this site yet? If not, I highly recommend it. It is really a wonderful tool. Perhaps it could help open the door to a discussion about it. Have you considered Marriage or sexual counseling? I wish you the best. This is one of my pet peeves. I had an uncle who had to struggle with this for 35 years and I have seen the pain it can cause. Keep us posted. I wish you the best.

doingOk.

jackflash, she needs serious counseling. Dr.Phil had a couple on where the man didn't want to have sex with his wife because he held her as so virtuous and too good for it.
There are many reasons for this behavior and only a really in depth couneseling can get to the bottom of it.
Many women lack libido. Which can be treated with meds. Some have other health issues that are effecting it.
If a good physical examine doesn't find a problem, then it's psychological. Issues which she needs to have swept away. Only with good counseling and an open mind can she do this.
Otherwise, she just doesn't like sex, is doing a duty call once in while and just wants a man to support her. Not unheard of.
but for this to continue is or would be out of the ? for me. Sex is a part of marriage and much needed as I can see for bonding and closeness.
If people don't want to have sex, then why marry. They are simply in a friendship as far as I can see. Off limits!
Get her to a good physician first. Then if no problem, go for counseling with a top notch psychiatrist. If that doesn't work, sayanora baby. I wouldn't stay in a marriage of this sort.
LouLou

How have you addressed this issue in the marriage. Great sex lives dont just happen they take work and communication. What has been your modus operendi to this point?

ayslyne

I know i've mentiont to my wife on many ocassions.
I suggested counseling, possible medications for a possible hormonal imbalance. and she always brushes it off. so i'm in a situation where there's no where to turn. I really don't see the purpose of abstaining from intimacy prior to marriage only to have this problem after marriage. As a result of this problem I got a video. She found it and was extremely upset. I really did'nt have the heart to tell her that If she met my needs there would be no need for the video. She then proceeded to say that I needed counseling. i've never been in this situation before in life with any relationships prior to marriage. These are the problems.

1. we have no intimacy. Once a month initiated by me.

2. everytime i express intimacy she says tomorrow,
and that tomorrow turns into the next tomorrow, and so on and so on.

3. when we are intimate it's only one way. missionary. (imagine being married 5yrs and only intimate one way) i can count on one hand the new things we've tried.

4. she does'nt like to be touched anywhere. no foreplay or anything.

5. she says that i have to "ask" if i want to be intimate.

Your wife seems to have a huge serious blockage somewhere which prevents her from being truly intimate with you. I dont know whether this is only her issue,or, whether what happens between the bedsheets is simply mirrorring the state of your relationship - but you know that. I've read about similar stories, where the blockages were due to undigested childhood issues like rape, abuse and such. Also, a very religious upbringing might screw one up. Any of this maybe? As a first step, you have to learn to discuss this. Try to do this without LBing, showing anger etc, but in an atmosphere of trust. just show and try to explain your feelings, why you feel disappointed etc.

Mr. Flash
I am a little confused about your terminology and am not quite sure I am following...

from what I am gathering you are very interested in pursueing "experimenting" creativity and trying "new things"..(all very reasonable wants )..and these things are what the word intimacy defines..to you..and your wife will not try "new things"

I'm gonna spin this a different way...
Without a doubt the best way to illicit changes in those we love is to always illicit changes in ourselves...it may be that in changing your views and thoughts on this you will be able to bring out changes in her.

The most important part of all of married relationships is our minds and our ability to openly communicate and listen...

Intimacy is not an act in the bedroom...intimate relationships exist outside of the bed and are really a state of mind of having trust and care for another being....in relationship to men are from mars women are from ...book...

Women tend to feel most intimate to their spouses when such needs of appreciation, conversation, concern are met..and communicate their love and closeness through these needs that then lead up to them sharing in the bedroom....and God with his great sense of humor...created most men to feel the way to express their feelings of love and closeness through the physical act which then makes them feel that attachment....of intimacy...

(These are huge generalizations and should not pigeon hole either sex to jump to conclusions that women don't enjoy the act of sex..or that men don't want to connect cerebrally as well as physically to their mates...)...BUT the point I am trying to make is that to meet his and her needs within the bedroom...both must meet his and her needs outside the bedroom as well...

Your wife is sexual...we are all sexual beings...and that exists in all aspects of our existance...she is willing to have sex with you...and that my friend is a good thing.

Perhaps you need to look at your own approach to her in and outside of the bedroom...the more we lovingly and tenderly address our spouses concerns the more we build exactly what we desire...

Building intimacy starts outside of the bedroom...you and she should take the emotional needs questionairre on this site....
Find out what needs of hers you are and are not meeting...show her what needs of yours she is is not meeting....

How is your relationship outside of the bedroom
do you spend a lot of time together doing things
socially
can you touch her outside of bedroom hugs, back rubs, etc
do you date romance eachother at all
do you talk a lot about interests and dreams as well as the mundane
do you argue a lot about the bedroom issue...is it a big topic all the time...
are you happy people...generally up beat?

Our sexuality and intimate relationships are not confined to bedroom and the answer to these questions and others helps others help you is seeing areas in which you both could feel more connected to one another

ARK

I have a couple of suggestions. One would be to get the both of you to see a sexual therapist or at least marriage counseling. If she absolutely refuses to seek out any changes whatsoever then you need to make yourself clear that it is damaging for your marriage and you have no intention in living in a virtual sexless marriage.
If she understands that the marriage is in jeopardy then hopefully whe will take action. If she still refuses then the choice is yours on whether you wish to live the rest of your life this way.
I wish you luck.

I think ARK hit the nail on the head. My DH's #1 need is sexual function and sometimes he will ignore me all day and then wonder WHY I have no desire to have sex with him. To me, sex should be the natural RESULT OF affection and intimacy, to him, it *IS* intimacy. If you want to have some bread, you have to warm up the oven first.

I was in a similar, if less severe situation, for many years. What I did not understand is that USUALLY (there are exceptions to everything, so this may not apply) a couple's sex life is a good barometer of the quality of their marriage. I thought the problem was our sex life. The sex life problems were a symptom of problems in our marriage that I did not recognize.

I am guessing from your post that you are a conflict avoider. (I am, too.) So, let me tell you what helped me the most: Buy and read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", by Harley, and DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!!!!! Doing the questionaires is MORE important than reading the book. I bet you will be surprised. Especially by the Emotinal Needs Questionaire results.

You can get the extremely condensed Reader's Digest version of FIL/SIL from reading the Basic Concepts section of this web site (Concepts) from beginning to end. It is a good idea to do that while the book is in the mail. But don't skimp and skip the whole book. It's worth it.

Secondly, if sex really was not important to your wife, it would be no big deal to have it more often. It is important enough to her that she says "No".

Thirdly, go to counseling. She is right. You do need counseling. So does she. Ask her to go, too. She may not. You go anyway.

Fourthly (and again, this may not apply to you) I am guessing that she is not emotionally "there" during sex. Probably because she learned to dis-associate herself during sex either because of past abuse or because of guilt or because of low emotional connection to past partners (and you, unfortunately). This is not easy to unlearn. She may need help. There are a couple of links here that may help, but not until you have established a good emotional connection: How to Overcome Sexual Aversion and Changing a Willingness to Make Love into a Desire to Make Love

Fifth(ly?), stop avoiding conflict, and learn to use conflict to promote intimacy. Read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement here, or Gary Smalley's LUV-talk, or any book on communiction in marrige, or Gottman's chapter on Overcoming Gridlock in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work".

Sixth, if you don't understand good sexual technique, read up. Unfortunately, I have no suggestions here on reading material. Anyone? The best method is probably to ask your wife what she wants/likes, but I am guessing that she will not know or not say, and/or you have already tried that. If not, try.

Lastly, I bet you would be much more satisfied if your wife just participated, even if there was not much variety. If so, I suggest you not press for variety. Deal with the participation thing first.

And, oh, yeah - I agree with everything ARK said.

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I agree w/ark also, however i think it's a little deeper than that. Case In point. Valentines day. we went to a jazz concert. went to dinner. and i thought we would come home and be intimate with eachother, but when we got home she wanted to do house cleaning. (now mind you our house is not very dirty, it's only us for the most part) so needless to say that ruined the whole evening for me. and she got upset w/me because I had no desire to do house cleaning at 10pm at night.
so Ark, it's not the fact of even trying anything new, it's the fact of intimacy in general, and having no sexual desire. Now i've never been married before, and she was married before, but got divorced as a result of her previous husband cheating on her. I have'nt reached that point, but given the situation that i'm going through i can see why he would have made that choice.

Jack
I agree with you that this issue is way deep...

And I can only imagine how frustrating and hurt you must feel over this...five years is a long time...
the advice is to empower you...
If what you have been trying in the past to get yourself heard/understood hasn't worked time to change your approach...

not wanting to do housecleaning at 10 pm on a friday night is way more than reasonable...BUT
be wary of how much resentment and frustration is building up in you over this....

That in and of itself will potentially impede communication and trust building

Johns post is full of good links and places to start....the questionaires are good and great ways to communicate...

I direct my thoughts to you in because it is you I am "talking" with...as well as believing whole heartedly that people can and do change....and often change comes from those around us changing....But make no mistake your wife holds great responsibility in making this marriage work as well and meeting your needs as well...
She is not off my hook...she just isn't "here" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How do you two interact outside of the bedroom...how close do you feel to her...and her to you....etc..

ARK

You should read Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. Your inadequate sex life is a result of a lack of intimacy, which is may not be physical in nature, but possibly emotional. Your wife should feel that the two of you are open in every sense of the word to each other. I found the book incredibly enlightening. Can't hurt, right? Good Luck, don't give up on her.

I was just reviewing some other posts here. Please read this book - Passionate Marriage. It is not just a physical issue. Take it from a woman, intimacy is a very tricky issue-there is a lot at play here. All I have to say is please read this book! Good luck.

Ark,

I am soooo glad that you brought some sensitivity to this matter! I was starting to get really peeved at all the posts saying "dump her" if she doesn't start changing. This was my scenario too (I was the one that had completely closed down) and I can tell you that people don't just shut down for no reason. Figure it out. I got so sick and tired of hearing how his needs weren't being met and he never tried to get it when i told him all my reasons for being unsatisfied too. but because they weren't to do with the almighty SEX, they got ignored. i got sooo bitter and resentful that i always thought "why should I?", "why should I?". when people say leave a marriage when married to someone like that you are essentially saying that my husband was justified in having his affair. Also, instead of constantly pushing her to try new stuff how about working on the BASICS!!!!!! for crying out loud, don't you get the big picture here?!!!!!

sorry - i guess this all has really hit a very large nerve. the advice given in the most recent postings is really quite good. Ark, you sound very wise and very sensitive. Bravo!!