We have our 1st joint MC session tonight. I’m nervous. Mostly because I’m afraid he won’t continue it.
The last year has been truly a roller coaster for us. Over the last month my H has told me the following:
1. The only thing we share is two kids and a house full of stuff.
2. He thinks he wants a divorce.
3. Being with me doesn’t “feel” right.
4. He’s not happy.
Now, he “tells” me these things but I’m not totally convinced. We get along really well..that is what is so odd to me.
The week after he told me the stuff above he said that he wanted to try counseling because he was not 100% sure he wanted a divorce. Then 4 days later he told me he didn’t want to go to counseling. Now he will go. He doesn’t seem like he really wants to. That is another reason I’m afraid. If he’s not open to it, will it really help?
For the past year I have shown remorse for my actions and words. I have been in individual counseling. I show him love every day. He hugs me, tells me he loves me. We haven’t been intimate in months. He’s not interested. I understand. I'm very patient with him. I understand he's hurting. I want to help him.
Don’t get me wrong you guys. I’m not saying—look at me, look at everything I’ve done—take me back. That’s not it. I just want a true chance. The only thing I’ve been saying to him lately is –If you aren’t sure 100% that you want a divorce then try counseling. That’s all.
The other issue that has been an issue all along is I still work with OM. I know that is a HUGE deal. But, I would have quit immediately but there are other issues with that. I work at a school and our youngest son comes here with me. H even told me last fall not to quit right now. It would not be good for our kids. My H knows that I am doing my best to look for another job. I also carry the family health insurance so that is another thing. Last fall I went to both of my bosses and told them the entire story so that my H would have a little peace of mind while I am at work, until I can find another job.
I’m REALLY confused this week as his words are not matching his actions. HELP!!
He’s been looking for another job and of course I’m STILL looking for another job. He’s been discussing maybe moving to another town. But he still insists that he’s not sure he wants our M.
Maybe I’m way off here, but if he has plans to divorce me I would like to stay at my job of 15 years where I have stability and my kids are with me. As it is I will have to get a part-time job to support us in our own apartment. (He has already told me he wants to keep our house.)If I get a new job making less money then I’ll have to work even more jobs.
I don’t want you all to think this is me, me, me. I’m just confused. I understand my H’s pain. He has built a HUGE wall between us that I am willing to do anything to break down. Sometimes (well a lot of the time) I feel like just letting him go and be happy with someone else.
Thanks for letting me vent and I’ll post an update to our MC session.
One more ?—can the BS also be in their own kind of “fog”?
Any feedback for me? Let me have it.
