I can't seem to find the Plan B letter samples on MB anywhere. There is such a thing, right? Can anyone point me in the right direction? Give me a link perhaps?

Also, is there a list of what should go into a Plan B letter, or a definition? All I can seem to find on MB is a definition of Plan B.

I am trying to draft a plan B letter tonight.....

Jen

<small>[ February 15, 2003, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Jen,

Try doing a search under the plan A/B forum, for "plan B letter", or just "letter". You should get a whole bunch of 'em. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Here's a link from Spacecase:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428

Hopefully you can find something that helps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Jen, do you have a copy of SAA? There's one in there. I'll see if I can dust off a copy of mine, of course, it didn't work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WAT

Best wishes in your efforts Jen. I offer you all the support I have to give.

Hoping for peace in your life.

ayslyne

The Spacecase link is chock full of good Plan B letter samples. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Now that I've copied and pasted more "useful" phrases than I can ever use, it's time for me to narrow things down. I may just post a list of what I really want to say shortly, to get some educated feedback from you experienced folks!

Thanks,

Jen

Normally, a Plan B letter is from a BS to a WS saying that I can't be in contact with you until you end your relationship (A) with X, and are willing to recommit to this marriage.

For me, it's about him needing to work on the following:
- treating me with respect
- not spending time with the one EA woman he lived with and spooned with (BUT there's a big hurdle here - they work together)
- being willing to work on saving the marriage (I'm not up to being his sex toy with no promises of wanting to try to save our marriage)
- being willing to treat me like his wife again, aka the most important woman in his life

Here's my perhaps too long list of things I'd like to say. Are there any things here I shouldn't say? Which should I emphasize the most?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">- I have always wanted to save our marriage since we have been separated. You have always been undecided.
- take responsibility for my affair, it was my selfish choice, and my choice alone
- apologize for hurting him
- tell him I don’t ever want to hurt him again
- I want to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs, but I cannot do that until you are willing to meet me halfway
- Goodbye C, little Miss I’ll let you live with me, I’ll sleep over in your bed and spoon with you say yest to whatever you ask lady.
- Put an end to telling me that if we get back together, you will sleep with whoever you want when you want
- Put an end to telling me that I’m not good enough for you, that you’d rather be with C or A, but you’re just not sure which one
- Enough drinking already
- I deserve to be treated like a good person
- I will not spend the rest of my life being treated like a 2nd class citizen
- I would like to go for MC
- You need to cut back on the porn
- No more me pretending to be other women in bed to fulfill your fantasies
- I love you, I don’t want to divorce you, but I don’t want to be with you the way you are right now
- I will not kiss your [censored] for the rest of my life. Either we live together as equals, or we don’t
- You’re not better than me, I just made a very grave mistake, which I accept responsibility for and have certainly learned from
- I want to be loved, cherished and treated like your wife, like the most important woman in your life other than your mother.
- If I’m not good enough for you, then leave me. You’ve been telling me for years that I’m not good enough, and if I’m not then go find someone better.
- I will not be in contact with you unless you’re willing to agree to my plan for recovery
- Or, what would your plan for recovery be?
- If we need to communicate about anything, let’s go back to using A (if she will agree)
- Limit contact to email : If you need to contact me, please do so through email
- If you come up with a better solution please let me know.
- I will be polite and kind to you if I run into you at your mom’s house
- I will tell her nothing more than the fact that are taking a different turn right now, and that for special reasons (between me and you), I am having no contact with him right now until things start to improve.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's hard is a Plan B letter typically ends with something like, "I love you, I always have, and I still do now, I always will,." and "I want nothing other than to save this marriage. That's my number one priority." My love bank is very depleted.....and my number one priority is myself and my boundaries. So I am not sure whether to lie, or to leave that part out, or what.

If anyone can give me feedback, especially frank, honest and to the point feedback, I'd be very appreciative.

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Ready? I'll be kind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your Plan B letter does not need to be much different than any other. It should be short (around 1 page) and to the point. You want ws to know exactly what is required. Don;t write a big, long letter & get them confused.

I have always wanted to save our marriage since we have been separated. You have always been undecided.
- Put an end to telling me that if we get back together, you will sleep with whoever you want when you want
- Put an end to telling me that I’m not good enough for you, that you’d rather be with C or A, but you’re just not sure which one
- Enough drinking already
- I deserve to be treated like a good person
- I will not spend the rest of my life being treated like a 2nd class citizen
- You need to cut back on the porn
- No more me pretending to be other women in bed to fulfill your fantasies
- If I’m not good enough for you, then leave me. You’ve been telling me for years that I’m not good enough, and if I’m not then go find someone better.
NONE of this should go in the letter. It is all judgemental. You are pointing out all his faults. You can discuss all this after he agrees to #3 below. A good Plan B letter does not blame the other. It is basically a love letter.

1- You accept what you did to put your relationship to where it is now and are learning how to fix it all.

2- You love himand want to stay married to him.

3- You cannot have any contact until he quits (affair, porn, seeing ow, whatever.)

4- You want a chance to work everything out and have a happy life for both of you together.

After the letter is sent and they agree to #3, then you discuss exactly what the problems are and what needs to be done. Counseling, AA, whatever.

What's hard is a Plan B letter typically ends with something like, "I love you, I always have, and I still do now, I always will,." and "I want nothing other than to save this marriage. That's my number one priority." My love bank is very depleted.....and my number one priority is myself and my boundaries. So I am not sure whether to lie, or to leave that part out, or what.
If you did not love him, you would divorce him and not worry about a Plan B letter, so when you put this in, it is not a lie.

I always will
Don't put this in. It sounds "romantic" but it's not true. You won't always love him if he continues to do all this stuff and hurt you.

<small>[ February 11, 2003, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

I'm glad Chris took the time to give you the specifics on what should and shouldn't go in your letter. I was too tired to get into it last night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Basically, I was going to tell you to keep the demands out, aside from the NC (and maybe the porn and drinking... however these latter 2 could be addressed as you having a deep concern about them). Everything else should be positive. The letter is a love letter, and therefore, shouldn't be full of negatives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When you've got a draft done, if you're comfortable with it, post it for some critiquing (as long as you're prepared for constructive criticism <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Karen

Speaking of love letters.....You know, last week I wrote my H a genuine love letter, filled with hope and optimism for our marriage. I wrote it after several consecutive days spent with him, when I really felt like we were improving, and I really felt strong love for him. Then four days later things fell apart. (I have written several draft letters to my H that I've never shown him or given to him - it helps to clear my head sometimes, and get a grip on what I'm feeling.)

So I thought maybe I should post my actual love letter to my H, bare my soul to you folks and perhaps get some suggestions for parts of it to incorporate into a plan B letter.

I may edit it out later, b/c it is straight from the heart and somewhat personal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> January 28th, 2003
My dearest H,

I know you and I have both said, and believed it when we said it, that we didn’t want your father’s passing to be the reason we get back together, that we want it to be because we both decide that is what we truly want.

However, if this whole event isn’t a wake up call about how short and fragile life is, I don’t know what ever will be. I think you and I both know that it’s just plain wrong that we’re not together as a married couple. All the events of last spring never should have happened, and I should have been with you throughout the past 8 months, to love and comfort you and your family through your dad’s diagnosis with diabetes in the fall, through his decline in health, and throughout this event. I should have been at your side throughout it all.

I am so thankful that you and your family are welcoming me at this tragic time and treating me like I still am a part of the family. I know you were dreadfully worried that you could never face them with me at your side again, that the shame and embarrassment would be too great, or that they may not be able to accept me. I know I was very afraid too, but I was always willing to face whatever would come my way, because I love you that much.

We both know now that we can face your family together, they are an amazing, loving wonderful group of people, who wouldn’t dare to say unkind things. I really sense that they would support whatever decision you make about us.

One other thought that crossed my mind: It’s almost like this event makes our problems look pale in comparison. We’re alive and well, and can easily choose to work to save our marriage and be together. Nothing is stopping us from doing that, other than perhaps some very strong emotions of anger, hurt, or pride.

H you don’t have to be a 30 year old man who is suddenly single and without his wife, without his soulmate, and wondering if or when he will find a woman who he can have children with, who he can travel with, who he can have at his side during family fishing trips, who he can live, love and laugh for a lifetime with. I can be that woman for you if you can find it in your heart to let me.

I know the road to recovery is likely one paved with long, hard work, and we won’t return to being the same happy go-lucky couple we once were. Our perspective on our marriage and life has been forever changed. I’ll never take you or our marriage for granted again. I know I need to communicate my feelings to you better. I know I need to meet your needs better. I know that love isn’t just a magical force that two people fall into that will surround them forever, but that it is something we must work at, always.

H, you have heard me tell you time and time again that I still love you, that I always have and I always will. I want to go down that long, hard road with you, the man I married, the man that I vowed in front of God, our family and our friends to be with for the rest of my life, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
H, we both chose to have this scripture read at our wedding. It is how God believes love truly is and should be. It gives me hope that you and I can love each other forever. I pray that it will give you the same hope. It also means that I will be patient, and will wait for you. You are absolutely worth it.
With all my love,
Jennifer

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

BUMP^^^

Is there any way for me to take some parts of this heartfelt "love letter" and incorporate them into my plan B letter?

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Jen
Just giving you a hug.
Im sad about the way things are going for you but confident you will do the right thing. Please take care of yourself.

Im here if you need me
Zoey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Zoey, thank-you. I always appreciate your kindness!

Well folks, I sort of have a plan B letter here, but it's a bit of a copy and pasted mess right now it seems, and is too long. But it pretty much says what I want to say.

I would REALLY appreciate feedback and advice about editing it. For some reason I just can't be clear and concise about writing it. It must have something to do with being confused about my feelings in general.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Dear H,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for some time now. I am writing this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

As I have told you before, all I really want is for us both to work together to save our marriage, and spend the rest of our lives together, as we had planned. I know the road to recovery is likely one paved with long, hard work, and we won’t return to being the same happy go-lucky couple we once were. Our perspective on our marriage and life has been forever changed. I’ll never take you or our marriage for granted again. I know I need to communicate my feelings to you better. I know I need to meet your needs better. I know that love isn’t just a magical force that two people fall into that will surround them forever, but that it is something we must work at, always.

I accept responsibility for my selfish and hurtful actions, and I know that they are the reason why we are apart. I cannot change the past H, but I have learned from my mistakes and I sincerely apologize to you. I have thought about my mistakes and I am willing to work hard to correct them and create a new life for both of us that will meet both our needs.

I have thought a lot about our marriage, our current situation and about where we are going. You know my thoughts and feelings. I love you, I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I cannot guarantee anything, but I know that when we work together as a team, we do well.

You have chosen to spend intimate time with one specific woman and possibly another. You have told me you are still in contact with her and like her. I do not condone it, or like it, but have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you chose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm to you.

To preserve the love I have for you and my own sanity I have come to a decision of my own. I need to stop seeing you until you decide one way or the other. The current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for me. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply ‘no contact’. I know that I risk losing you forever, but I cannot continue to see you without putting pressure on you to make a decision. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you have done it because you love me, and it is what you really want, not because you have felt pressured into doing it.

I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. Please make Cand A or any other woman aware that I am your wife and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me and them.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You may be aware of the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with C, and the hurtful words you have said to me time and time again, often when you are not sober. I simply cannot continue like this any longer. I just cannot bear to be with you or see you while you are still involved with C and A and give your love and emotional connection to someone else. These things are removing the love I feel for you; so although I still love you, I must not see you in order to preserve the love I have left.

Please resume sending my mail to me via the truck mail. If you must contact me about something important, please do it via e-mail. Please do not contact me (call me or come to my place) unless you have come to a decision about our future together.

I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. You must know the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with C, and your repeated hurtful words to me. I feel my love for you slipping away. Therefore in order to protect my feelings for you I can no longer see you under the current conditions.

When you are willing to end relations with C, and stop being so hurtful to me, and are willing to work together to save our marriage, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.

I do not want this divorce. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, and share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that at this point you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life.

H, I have felt this way for some time but couldn't bring myself to tell you while your family was coming to terms with your father’s death. I wanted to be there to help you and your family, no matter what. I loved your father very much and also needed to be with you and your family in order to grieve. I didn't want any "uncomfortable" times between us to add stress to your mom, to you or anyone else in the family.

I really thought things between us improved somewhat while we were spending so much time together recently. However, there are some things that have not changed. You are still very much undecided about what you want.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what we only dreamed it could be, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and to me. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

H, you have heard me tell you time and time again that I still love you, that I always have and I always will. I want to go down that long, hard road with you, the man I married, the man that I vowed in front of God, our family and our friends to be with for the rest of my life, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

H, we both chose to have this scripture read at our wedding. It is how God believes love truly is and should be. It gives me hope that you and I can love each other forever. I pray that it will give you the same hope. It also means that I will be patient, and will wait for you. You are absolutely worth it.

With all my love,
Jennifer
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would also like to put something in there about us needing to go for MC, but don't know how to word it, where to put it.

Sigh, I hate this. I wish I didn't have to go to work today. Then maybe I could get this letter done.

Last night, after my running club meeting, I tried calling my MIL to drop by for a visit, and drop off a birthday gift for my H's grandmother (it's her b-day today). At 8:45pm no answer. I found out shortly after from my friend who lives across the street that my H's car was there. He probably is the one who went to answer the phone and when he saw it was me, he didn't pick up. Grrr. I hate this. I hate all of this. I wish "C" would evaporate. I wish my H would wake up and see things more clearly. I wish I could turn back time and not cheat on him. I just want to crawl into bed and hide from life at this point.

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Jen your plan B letter looks great BUT now comes the hard part which is to have the discipline to follow thru with its no contact rule. Remember that the purpose of plan B is to protect the last remaining love units for your H. These love units will be essential for marital recovery if the time does come when your H expresses a desire come back and rebuild the M.

TMCM(Your highly caffeinated MB buddy).

I just want to let you know that I've printed out your letter, and I'm going to go through it, and then come back and give you my take on it (oh no! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL).

It's good Jen. IMO, it's too long, and you're redundant on some things (NC w/ "C", and different ways you've said that you love your H, and he already knows that, etc). And I REALLY like how you've added the bible verse from your wedding ceremony. But I'm also no expert on this subject either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

You must know the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with C
Change this to, "I have suffered a tremendous amount of pain & suffered tremendously because of your relationship with C."
He doesn't know your pain and you should not tell him what he is thinking.

I want to know that you have done it because you love me, and it is what you really want, not because you have felt pressured into doing it.

I'd leave this bit out. Plan B is no contact but it IS pressuring them in a way so by putting htis in makes you look like a hypocrite.

Besides, AS LONG AS THE END RESULT IS THE END OF THE AFFAIR AND A WILLINGNESS TO RECONCILE, then it doesn't make much difference wy they come back.

I want to know that you have done it because you love me, and it is what you really want, not because you have felt pressured into doing it.

Too judgemental. It means they are NOT being honest right now.

Please do not contact me (call me or come to my place) unless you have come to a decision about our future together.

Change it to, "Please do not contact me (call me or come to my place until you end your affair and want to discuss reconciliation."

You want the letter to be as if there is only one decision to make, which is for the marriage.

I do not want this divorce. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, and share the joy of raising a family with you. I want to grow old with you. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that at this point you don't, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance, I am open to discussing it with you and working out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what we only dreamed it could be, but I will need to know you are committed to our marriage and to me. I still love you, and as I said before, I believe in our marriage and I am willing to do whatever ever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

H, you have heard me tell you time and time again that I still love you, that I always have and I always will. I want to go down that long, hard road with you, the man I married, the man that I vowed in front of God, our family and our friends to be with for the rest of my life, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.
This is repeated too many times throughout. Make it a few meaningful paragraphs and get rid of the repetition.

I really thought things between us improved somewhat while we were spending so much time together recently. However, there are some things that have not changed. You are still very much undecided about what you want.
As above, you should not tell him what he is thinking or what he knows.

Thanks so much Chris and CoffeeMan for your objective feedback.....but Topie, maybe if I can catch you, don't take up a whole bunch of your time on my letter as it is.......BECAUSE as I think I mentioned before....no contact with C is not an option for my H as they work together, across the hall from each other. I guess I shouldn't ask for something that's impossible to achieve. (They are both teachers, under contract, and can't change jobs, at least not until the end of the school year, and then with the budget constraints we have here, the amount of movement possible this year will be next to none, etc. etc.)

So then I guess my main reason for writing the Plan B letter is that either he definitely wants to work on our marriage, or leave me alone. I don't need to be USED without any clear intentions on his part that he wants to stay with me. I can't handle the limbo of him being in contact with me, wanting to be intimate with me, and then wanting no contact with me, and not even treating me with as much respect as a friend deserves.

I also need to put something in there about "please be civil to me if we cross paths at your mother's place", because I intend to keep seeing her, and his grandparents. They've been my family for over 12 years, and I'm not willing to stay away from them anymore, especially after they all welcomed me again during the events following my FIL's passing.

So I guess I need to rework the letter again a fair bit. Sorry everyone. I'm in a bit of a mess over the last 24 hours with my emotions, so my clarity is lacking.

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

I also need to put something in there about "please be civil to me if we cross paths at your mother's place", because I intend to keep seeing her, and his grandparents.
As is, it kinda sounds like a veiled threat or a taunt.

I suggest something such as,

"I will be visiting with your parents and grandparents from time to time as I still value their friendship."

I don't think it would be a good idea to put in, "please be civil to me" or any variation.

You are telling him he is an a$$ with you. Even if he is, you don't need to point it out (LB.)

If he shows up while you are there & gets nasty, YOU maintain. It'll put more pressure on him AND you'll get the sympathy vote.

Chris,

Thanks again for the advice on avoiding including big LBs in my letter. I needed some objectivity from someone outside my little circle of consciousness.

What do you think about me mentioning his female friends? Do I dare to make no contact with them a condition of being with me? I tell you, that's like saying, "Okay, divorce me, I know you can't give up your female friends." Actually, as I type this, I guess that really is what I need to do. I am not willing to be a third wheel. He HAS TO choose.

It's just tricky how to word it since he works with them. I'd have to say something about no longer spending social time with them outside of work or something I guess.

Jen

What do you think about me mentioning his female friends? Do I dare to make no contact with them a condition of being with me?
All female friends? Or just any he develops/has developed relationships with?

I tell you, that's like saying, "Okay, divorce me, I know you can't give up your female friends."
But you don't talk about divorce unless you want one.

Actually, as I type this, I guess that really is what I need to do. I am not willing to be a third wheel. He HAS TO choose.
Sort of. Yes, he needs to give up any relationships which are EA/PA or any which potentially are. And he has to learn how to KNOW when a relationship is getting too close.

Rather than a blanket statement, "give up all female friendships and I'll take you back" leave it at giving up any current relationships with EA/PA.

When he agrees to discuss the relationship as in the Plan B letter, THEN you discuss all the other inappropriate friendships. He has not agreed to "work on the marriage", so you go to Plan B. This is NOT the time to make MORE DEMANDS. Just the basics. Quit affairs, do counseling, no contact.

Remember, Plan B is not simply to bring the ws back into the marriage relationship after he agrees to the letter. After you start Plan B and he agrees to what you put into the letter, THEN you sit down and discuss (using POJA) what you both need to do for reconciliation.

<small>[ February 14, 2003, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>