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My husband and I met 6 years ago. Before we married we talked alot because I wanted to make sure we were on the same page on what we wanted in life. I wanted children, a home, and to be happy. I wanted my children to have any opportunity they wanted no matter how hard we needed to work and I wanted to have a loving and active love life with my husband, for us to support each other in our endeavors and be there for each other in our lows. He said he wanted all the same things until after we married. We had communication problems, he was demeaning to me verbally daily, and while I was having our children and couldnt work he would make sure I knew he was supporting me (he stated that repeatedly everytime we had a disagreement). After 2 years of this I told him I couldnt do it anymore and wanted out--we agreed to go to counseling. It seemed to be working and I fell back in love with my husband--I got pregnant with my third chikd ( I had one before we married)and found out in the last trimester from my doctor that I needed to be treated for ghonoria (a std that I had tested negatively for in the first trimester by the way) and I thought I would die. I still cry when I think about it (like now). Luckily my doctor tests for it at the end (for this reason she says--she sees it all the time)because my son could have been born blind I wasnt treated for it. My son is fine.

My husband tried to deny it and then admitted it. He said he was sorry but never acted so. Swears he has never and would never do it again but I cant trust him because he doesnt seem like he is really sorry and when we have talked about it, he lays the blame partially on me. I have tried not to think about it and tried to forgive and go on but I cant. He still belittles me, he seems to sabotage every effort I have to suceed personally and professionally. This last weekend I had a chance to be promoted if only I make $700 in sales this weekend---sooooo attainable. I just needed to be out all weekend working to do it(just during the day sat and sun). I explained this to him Friday night and asked for his support. He responded that he would. At 11 am Saturday after only one and a half hours out he calls making a big deal about not having anything to do and one thing led to another and we were fighting and I couldnt do any more sales with my eyes all red and puffy. I went back out and tried to relax and get back into the zone but couldnt--I was so hurt and upset. So Sunday I decided to try again--I got into the zone and went out--2 hours later he calls me and yells about where the hell I am, after reminding him of what I was out there doing (promotion, company car and much more money for my daily efforts) he stated that he was not going to stay in the house all day and to get home. Again puffy, red eyes made me unable to face people. We fought and eventually came to an agreement that he would go bowling for an hour alone and then be back so that I could go to the Bingo hall to sell (my goal still attainable). He came home an half hour late and you can only sell at the Bingo hall before and during intermission. The before being my best bet but I was actually 5 <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> minutes late for Bingo by the time I got there because he was late. I had explained how important this was to me, and to our family. I had told him before he went bowling how important it was for me to get to the Bingo hall---that this was my last chance at getting my goal. But he didnt care.

I think its time to leave him but I so wanted not to fail at this--but it seems I dont have another choice.

Kaenoss,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he lays the blame partially on me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How does he do this? You say he's verbally demeaning, is he specific in the things he wants from you? Have you read the section here on MarriageBuilders on Emotional Needs .

There's a link to the Emotional Needs Questionaire, it might help if you & your H take it, it will even help if you take it because when he didn't do his part this weekend, he wasn't meeting your EN of Domestic Support, it might be very interesting to you to see how high a need this is for you.

It sounds like you attempted good communication, detailing that you wanted to go sell, but was the time period you needed clear? Or did he assume a couple hours and you needed whatever amount of time it took?

Is counseling still an option for the 2 of you? Did you like the counselor you went to before? It sounds like some of the same problems, communication, his belittling of you have re-emerged. Which isn't uncommon.

Then you have the issues of infidelity. Trust, loss, grief, STDs.

His choosing to have an affair is not your fault, you are not to blame. It was his choice. A really bad choice. He may have been unhappy, not feeling his needs were being met, but no spouse "deserves" to be cheated on. THe betrayed spouse may contribute to a situation in the marriage that is not healthy but thats different than it being the BS's fault. Your H had other options, like going back to the counselor, talking it out with you, he chose to screw around instead.

Do you think his affair is over? It seems he says it is, but cheating almost always includes lying, they go hand in hand. Affairs & denying to the spouse are very common.

I encourage you to read on this site, get the book by Dr. Harley SURVIVING THE AFFAIR and read up on the Emotional Needs.

Your bad weekend could have been miscommunication about the time involvement, but it seems like you did tell him at least most of what he needed to know & he agreed.

I know you are discouraged, but with both of your efforts, your marriage could improve. You can't make him do anything, or control his behavior, but you can take a look at yourself and see if you can understand what you need, what he needs and if you can or are willing to make any changes. Often one partner changing changes the other partner because the situation is no longer following the old pattern.

Best wishes

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

Lor,

Thank you for your reply---I appreciate all help. He is demeaning by daily calling me a B**** and a C*** and telling me that I am selfish and all I care about is me. That he F*** around because all I cared about was the house we were having built (whiched needed alot of decisions done that he was uninterested in making) and not about our baby, that I was carrying at the time. By the way, he refused to go to all doctor appointments and sonograms but I am the one that didnt care about our baby---he slept around on me unprotected and came home and gave me a STD but I am the one that doesnt care about our baby. I wanted the house for our children---so they could have a real home instead of moving from one nasty apartment to another every other year but I am the one that didnt care about our baby.

Yesterday was Valentines day--My H didnt do anything for me. Not even a candy bar from the gas station on the way home from work, I didnt say anything but chose not to go bowling (something I have been doing with him for him so that he can have some undivided attention from me--so hopefully open communications between us) because I was very depressed and a little sick (head cold). He went and came back late--I went and picked up some food for our kids and dropped it off and then went and picked up some fuzzy navel coolers to calm my nerves and relax me enough to go to bed. Not once did I B**** and then he started berating me about what a B**** I was and that he needed to go out to get me a Valentines gift (this is 10pm now) because I am such a selfish B**** and C***. I walked away and stopped at a neighbors to play cards and relax. He came there and embarrassed me. I went home and went to bed.\

The next day he started yelling at me again and then I exploded and yelled to---I hate it here.

I am going to leave.

Thank you for your help,
Danyell

Danyell-

I am really posting only to bump your story to the top in hopes that someone far wiser than I can possibly offer you some sage advice.

Please understand that the boards are not nearly as active on the weekend, so replies will be sporadic at best.

Your story absolutely sickens me to read and I cannot believe that a person can possibly treat another person in the manner that your husband treats you. Please don't do anything foolish to upset him prior to getting solid advice from others on this board. Hang in there, help will be on the way......

Hi I just want to say welcome.

Normally I do have some words of encouragement or questions. Right now, I am in the wrong frame of mind to be making an attempt at it.

My mood has improved somewhat since I made my last vent, but I'm not all the way back to my optimistic self.

And the weekends are usually slow, you are not alone, and you will get more responses.

Take care

It helps to edit your topic to read URGENT: HELP NEEDED. That worked for me on weekends. You have to go to your initial post and click on the paper and pencil icon.