Well she found OM's phone# in my wallet and hit the roof. I hadn't even called yet but she thought that I had so she lost it. Said that her life was over and that she would go somewhere and kill herself because she couldn't live without talking to OM. I told her I hadn't called yet and that before I did I wanted her to look at my post here about wether or not to call OM and see what I was going through. I told her then she coud tell me what she thought I should do. She did come here and looked over most of that post and it's replies. When she got through she was crying and said that shes not like what these people think she is and for me to do what ever in the heII I thougt I needed to do but that she would never talk to me again. She then called in sick to work and went to her mothers house( MIL knows what is going on and thinks it's wrong but said she will support D what ever she choses to do) Have I made an even bigger mess out of this by talking her into reading post? Although I kind of think it might have mad her see that she really is in an A. I don't think that she had ever addmitted it to herself. I think I'll wait till this afternoon and call her before I call him. I think I would still give her the chance to call him and break it off (with me in the room) is that a bad idea or what? I don't know if I can trust myself and what I might say to OM if I end up calling him. Controling my words is one of my biggest problems. I don't want to say something I will regret the rest of my life even though it may be what I'm thinking.

<small>[ February 14, 2003, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: 20years ]</small>

Stay the course, you have no control over your wifes choices, including threats to hurt herself...those are rarely valid, but if you did find yourself in a crisis call 911 and let the professionals deal with it.

In the meantime make the call, if you are unsure of your efforts to control yourself, write down a script, read it, and hang-up. Probably not a good idea to enter a dialog with om, his sole purpose will be to manipulate you into not revealing the affair, and extract such a promise from you. You of course, are going to do exactly that, and only are offering him 24hrs (no more) to do it himself (the best solution). No matter what is said, promised, threatened, contact his spouse (to see if he has revealed the truth), and his congregation...he is in a position of responsibility, and he needs to be held accountable...who knows what else may be going on, who else may be being hurt, decieved, it is a civic duty to reveal corruption. Otherwise none of us can complain when we are victimized by others silence, or malfeasance by those in authority.

As for your wife, she will get over it, and whether kicking and screaming or not, be drug back to the real world. Be sure you are not vindictive, or vengeful, just doing this because you must, and be patient until your wife decides what she want to do. You are doing her a favor anyways, the om is just using her. It is not possible to mess anything up by behaving responsibly and truthfully. If your wife leaves, she was anyways, that is how life works. The truth always is for the best in relationships, no matter what the initial outcome seems to be. However, if you use this to feud with the om, or disrespect your spouse, then you will have trouble, not cause you were truthful, but because of how you used the truth. As an insightful man once said...you have nothing to fear but fear itself. Good luck.

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

You did the right thing. Your W is addicted to OM and she needs to break free but it will take time. I admire your strength in forcing her to face the realities of her life. Take care.

20years, LA is right, it is important to stay the course. Don't let this distract you from doing the right thing. No one promised this would be easy, and it won't be.

Another vote for LA post.

I will say that IF you choose to wait another 24 hours to give your W the option of ending this herself...but with the knowledge that you will still contact OM's W 24 hours after he is notified...then that's not a bad plan either.

Good Luck!

I would only add that you do everything you can to show your W that you love HER, and that you will be there for her when she's ready to confide in you about what happened.

Showing her your posts may not have been the best thing to do at this particular point in time, but you were being honest with her. I just find that most WSs, when thrust into MB unwillingly (at first) react negatively, thinking that we're all out to get them. It isn't so, but it will take her a while to realize that our advice is coming form a position of first-hand knowledge, which has taught us that the division between making demands and clarifying what the boundaries of tolerable behavior within a M can be, or at least appear to be, rather subjective.

I wish you well,
-Qfwfq

I am curious about the effect of seeing our posts. I wonder if it will open her eyes and make her realize how her actions look to completely objective people or if it will just make her more defensive and resistant to honest self examination.

LA said it best.

I'm willing to bet in 6 months she'll re-read the posts and wonder, "what the hell was I thinking."

So far, so good. We all knew it would be WWIII. So she reacted as we expected. A calculated lovebuster. One step backwards to leap FAR forward.

Here's the best advice I can offer now: stay calm. Re-read the responses from the others above. We've all been thru various aspects of this and we're all telling you the same thing. I hope this carries the weight of credibility with you. We know what we're talking about. We've seen it or experienced it or done it ourselves, not to mention reading about the same sort of things on this forum over and over and over and over again.

Ignore her rants and threats. This is vitally important. DO NOT react to her reactions. You have to be the pillar of sanity. In fact, validate her "pain". Do not argue with her, do not match her emotions, do not try to reason with her. Just be compassionate and validate, validate, validate.

WAT

Personally, I disagree w/ JL (maybe the only time). IMO, you should tell the OM's W, THEN call him and tell him you told her. In theory, it is better for her to hear it from the OM, but if he is only telling her because you are forcing him, and you are going to verify, then what difference does it really make?

Ditto to Johnh39! LouLou

John39,

What did I say that you don't agree with? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JL

JL: That you should tell the OM that you were going to tell his wife, to give him time to do so first. I go back and forth on this one a bit, but if you are forcing him, what is the point, really? To let him pretend it was his idea? To let him make up some story about a psycho OW who is chasing and threatening him?

Dear 20years,

Why do you wish to contact the OM? What is it you hope to accomplish? What makes you think you can force your wife to do anything? Do you really think that talking with the OM will prevent future A's?

Talk to a professional today!

Jimtex:
This started on another thread. But the OM is a minister in a church and his wife doesn't know about the A.

My position is that he should tell the OM's wife because she is not getting the same options and choices that he is getting by knowing.

Some other's think that the church's elders should also be told because of his position of power that he holds.

FYI,
DB

Dazed,

What difference does it make who or what the OM is? What good is it going to do to involve the OM, the OM's wife, or the OM's employer? 20years owes nothing to the OM. The OM should tell his own wife. I just do not see how involving all these other people is going to accomplish anything.

I think what 20 years was going to do is tell the OM that he has 24 hours to tell his wife or he was going to tell him.

Many posters think it is outrageous that a minister be allowed to carry on in such a manner once it is found out.

I think the OM's W has a right to know. Keeping it from her is criminal to her health and well being. She should know. What she does with that knowledge is her business but by keeping it from her they are keeping her choices from her as well.

Also, it is widely known that once an A is exposed to the light of day it often dies. And that is another reason for telling.

Well, I kind of hate to tell you all this but I still haven't called OM. While my WW was at her moms house I did somemore reading and found one of Dr. Harleys Q&A letters dealing with a WW that wont break off A with OM. He said in that case you just have to compete with OM to try to win WW back for how ever long you can deal with it and then go to plan B leaving her with only good thougts of you as you leave for plan B with no contact until she breaks off A. I know alot of you will say that she doesn't deserve to be able to have her cake and eat it to. But looking back I see many things I did that put her in the state of mind to be able to have A. Thats no excuse for having an A but I once was close myself to having an A and I now thank GOD more than ever that I didn't. But now I see how easy it can happen. Right now with it being a long distance EA I think I can deal with it until it's over, or till I just can't take it anymore. As far as me needing to tell OM's wife about the A I hate what she is and will go through but I didn't put her in that positon her WH did. And with him being a pastor I know that GOD is much more capable of dealing with him on his end than I am. I don't know what GOD has planed for this man but he too is a human with his on battles to fight. And at this point my heart says not to call and just let GOD deal with him and her both, in his own way. Right now I fill like it's my job to stand strong and show her that I love her inspite of what she's done and forgive myself for my part in this mess (hard to do) I may be wrong in going about it this way but right now it's what I fill I should do. Oh well blast away and let me have it if you think I'm wrong.

well, with that sort of logic we can turn a blind eye to most anything....if the neighbor is getting the crap beat out of them by their spouse, heck just turn up the volumne of the tv.....if you know a co-worker is skipping out early, none of your business, the boss will catch them sooner or later...etc. etc. ad nauseum.

The point is 20years, you have an obligation as a human being to take action if you want to live in a civilized world. You are not exposing the affair cause it benefits you, nor should you help hide the affair (and yep, you are a co-conspirator when you conceal through inaction information needed for someone elses well-being), because it benefits you, but that is what you are doing...sacrificing the om wife for your benefit, copping out at her expense. So do what you want, but let's call a spade a spade. Let me ask you a simple question, if you knew with certaintly revealing the affair would restore your marriage, would you tell then? Yep, in a heartbeat, so much for letting God take care of it. Well he did take care of it, he made sure you knew, you are the agent required to act, and that is exactly what God commands, to not turn away from wrongdoing, but to confront it.

As for you, not telling reveals something about you, and your values, not so different than a ws it seems, self-interest is self-interest (at anothers expense), no matter what the details....or the rationalizations. Be a man, do the right thing, and stop worrying about the consequences for your personal gain (or loss), it is not about you, it is about someone else who needs to know what you know. It is a civic duty, if you cannot see that, then be sure you never complain when someone lets you muddle along in the dark.

<small>[ February 14, 2003, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

20years,

I completely understand what you are going through regarding your wife. I took the exact same message that Dr. Harley said about competing with the OM and understood that I needed to make many deposits in my W’s LB before I could go to Plan B if it was necessary. God has given me the strength to do this even when OM works eight feet from my W in the same cubical. However, I did talk to OM and told him that God was going to be ahead of me and fight the battle for me because she was my W and not his.

I am now 1 year and 3 months post d-day and I feel stronger than ever and my M is much better. Now, I would never encourage you to do anything contrary to what you feel the Lord is telling you (do you have scripture that would back up your decision?). I strongly feel that by telling OM that you are aware of the A, it will send a message to him telling him that he will have to fight for her. At that point he may just decide that he doesn’t want to fight for her or even wait for her to decide what she wants to do. If the pursuit becomes too cumbersome for the OM, he may choose to look for another vulnerable woman that is easier to bag. That maybe good for you, but bad for his next victim and their family. Can you make that decision knowing OM may destroy another family after he dumps your W.

So maybe telling OM that you know, isn’t all that bad. I’d even hint about the possibility of informing OM’s W and congregation just to add some catalyst. But not even confronting him tells him that he can do whatever he wants. Especially if your W has already told him you know.

BTW I think Lurking has a point too. All of this is JMVHO. God bless you and give you strength.

S&C

20....Harley advises to get the affair out in the light of day...THEN if the affair is still on-going...you do Plan A...and at last resort Plan B. At least, that's my take!