Dear Friends, for months I've read and read everything and I feel today that I am more lost than ever.

Brief History : Together almost 9 years, WS had an affair (3mos) with a co-worker and unfortunately can't transfer (long story). WS 43, OW 41, ME 34. WS has 3 children from previous marriage, D-day August 21st 2002, 2nd D-day (same person)October 28 and recently found out he's been speaking with her since Dec. 31st 2002.

I'm lost, how can someone hurt someone else so much! How can he BEG me to stay and with the same breath speak to her again. The worst happened this weekend when she called OUR HOME <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> OUR HOME at 1:00 a.m.! She wanted me to know he had been telling her for the past 6 weeks it's over between us! I didn't even let her speak, I was so angry!!!!

I know I LBING all the time, one minute I want things to work and the other I bring her up all the time and we argue constantly!

Is it too late? Should I give up? How can something survive after soooo much damage: confused:

HE can’t transfer or leave work, I know this, and within three months he will be working side by side with her. She won't let go and from the looks of it neither can he, but why not let me leave! I've already looked for new furniture (I want to leave, don't want the memories) I already know where I would go, but when we get down to purchasing the furniture either he or I back down! And looks so sincere when he says he's trying, but he says he's afraid I will change (he says this because a lot of what's happen was my error's), he says he's afraid I will leave him!

I am doing more harm than good and I can't stop myself, PLEASE SOMEONE, what do I do! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: SoSADandLOST ]</small>

Hi Marilyn,

I am new to chat rooms and this experience in particular, but just wanted you to have someone to talk to. I know the pain and confusion that you are going through. I am not really sure if my husband has had an A or not, but my gut tells me that something has caused him to fall out of love with me and consider breaking up our family of 4(2 girls:7 & 9) We have been married 13 years and together for 20. I never imagined he would ever do anything like this. I too get the sense that he doesn't want to leave me, even though he says he is not sure if he wants to stay in this marriage. After almost of year of ups and downs, different tacts, etc I am ready to just give him some space and let him make the next move. Everyone says that you have to be so patient and I am going to really try to be. In the end, he will be digging his own grave if he decides to leave. It seems as though everyone that picks the OW or OM does not stay happy with them for very long. Try to focus on yourself, stay very busy, act somewhat indifferent and most of all, be patient. Hope this helps!

Go for high land,

Thank you for writing to me, anyone listening to me gives me someone to vent to other than him. I can definitely tell you that when I had that same gut feeling, which was actually worse than finally knowing that I am in a shark infested waters.

I sincerely think he's been great (can you imagine I'm saying this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ) But when you have "her" that makes him feel loved, wanted, YOUNG, and mix that up with the excitement, and on the other hand you have me that is usually in tears and angry and all I do it talk about it, "I" too would want to be somewhere else.

I sound like I know how to behave, but when I'm with him I’m LBing all over the place.

Go for high land, I hope your intuitions are all a mistake and your saved from this horrible roller coaster ride. Maybe it's a chance to make things better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ; maybe it's a cry for help. Take it and run, just slowly!

Marilyn-
Thanks for the advice. I know it is so hard to keep it together when you have to talk to them face to face. I find that we have our most productive communications via the phone or even better- email. It gives me a chance to formulate what I want to say without reacting to his gestures or words to hastily. I hate to say it, but it is true that we have to put the best face forward for them and for ourselves! Not easy!

I don't know whats more confusing having someone stay and say they love u , then continue to see OP or for them to walk out with no explaination .

LBing all the time I can relate wow can I , say you won't and then bam before u know it u use every word in the book . How do so many peolpe stay focused when OM OR OW are in the picture .

I read here everyday and I know I am not the only one who still has OW OR OM still in the picture .

Every situation is different and I am not a great advice giver but I belive that everyone needs to know they are being listened to someone is out there hereing u . And venting is away to maybe stop LB at home and do it here .

RAMBLING bad mood . have a good day or even a good hour .

Can you believe SHE called him on his cell again today! I am at my wits end with this. I feel like I will never be able to get through this?
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dera Sosadandlost, My heart goes out to you in this situation.I have been in a simular place for many months now with my H still working with the OW.He swears he does not see her but I do not know.It is very difficult.

When DDay came,my H was begging and pleading and saying that if I would take him back that he would quit his job and we would move away from this state.It was one of the factors in my agreeing to do so but I did not hold him to it.I did not know about MB site until much later after his return.As time went by,he tried to get another job but had no luck at finding "just the right place that he wanted."
I cannot tell you what to do as everyone is different but I can tell you that I regret not holding my H to his word about leaving here.I can imagine what you are going through.

This is what Dr. Harley says.....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly hope you can work things out and save your M.This is an excellant site with the best info.There are many wonderful people here who will advise and support you.I wish you the best.

I think it's time to give up. It's sad but I don't see the silver lining, but to begin my life alone. I sincerely believe it's better to leave then be left and I believe in my heart that this will end up him leaving me.
God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
God Give Me The Wisdom!

Marilyn