I'm having a lot of problems with the POJA concept. My W and I have been separated for the past 6 months since we moved from another state. We moved because of 2 main reasons: I was looking for a job and I thought that would have helped my marriage after discovering my W had a EA/PA. I know now that the latter reason was not a good reason but we both ended up moving anyway and things have not really improved other than I think that she has/is not in contact with the OP.

However, she did not want to move because she was happy with her job and liked the "lifestyle". But, her job was not sufficient to support us both and a mortgage and debt was piling up (I had the higher income prior to unemployment). I was having no luck finding a job and thought that it was best to move to another state (POJA violation as I now know).

Before we even left our previous state, she was offered a promotion so that she would be able to remain at her current workplace (which is another separate story and the origin of her EA/PA). It offered her a significant increase in pay and she didn't even have a degree. The job position was created just for her. Well, during these last 6 months, she kept saying how she was unhappy in her current job and she is thinking about going back to the job that she was offered but she wanted me to go back with her as her husband. This is only 6 months after just moving. I told her that our marriage needs to be rebuilt and is not strong enough for another large change.

I feel that she is choosing this job over our marriage and she stresses that she finally has an opportunity to do something for herself and accomplish something big in her life (She just turned 30). I don't see it that way and I only see it as a self-centered proposition based on a "fantasy lifestyle" at her previous workplace with lots of men giving her attention to possibly continue a EA/PA. Am I totally off base here? Am I being selfish and not trying to see what her needs are? I just think that our focus should be on our marriage first if we both still want to keep this marriage. Any thoughts on this please.

Your post makes me sad. I am sad to hear that this is your situation, but I understand .. how this can go.

The most important piece is saving the marriage, and YES, it does sound like your w gets inappropriate condistion at work where she used to work.

What state were you in prior? Was it you or wife's home town or home state?

Can you find a job back there? WIll w get back in ea/pa? Maybe?

I do think you should keep up the counseling, best thing going for you right now.

Are you in christian counseling or with the harley's by chance?

I am so sorry your wife is putting HER needs above the marriage. Just love her and be the best h that you can be.... you may have to move back... if that is what it takes to prove your love... but maybe she can compromise? Esp with the inapprop. people at her old job, it is a bad place for the marriage....

Anyway, sorry to hear about your situation.

You can survive, my situation was much worse and may still be, but my h and I are trying, and we might just get there. I had to be the bigger giver for a long time, and still am at many times, finally he is starting to give some.

Hugs and HOPE,

Honey

What State were you in prior? Was it you or wife's home town or home state?

We were in Hawaii and that was my home state. That also makes me sad because I had to leave MY home for her actions. Some time down the road, I'd like to move back there, but just not right away.

Can you find a job back there? WIll w get back in ea/pa? Maybe?

It is very difficult to find a job there right now based on my qualifications and I'm afraid that my WW would only be sucked back into the ea/pa. It would be too easy and convenient for her.

We have stopped going to a christian counselor as we felt that we were not making any progress w/ the counseling.
Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your comforting words as it is very soothing to hear. I wish you the best in your situation as well. Take care and God Bless.