After re-reading Q's awesome thread and my measly offerings there, I've taken a couple of days to do some serious self-reexamination.

As previously mentioned, I'm both a recovering addict (18 yrs clean from methamphetamine), and a co-dependent. I also would fit criteria ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), Overeaters Anon and about every other similar program that exists.

I'm finding that my Plan A toward my WH is starting to hook into my some of my old fear and co-dependency issues. I think I was too close to being a doormat... and feeling like one.

I'm beginning to find myself withdrawing, detaching and am fighting depression on a daily basis. Not good things.

In putting so much focus on LB's and Love Banks, I'm finding my recovery tanks dangerously low....

I am giving, he is taking and I see no way it will ever be any different. I'm tired of stuffing my resentment, feeling belittled and devalued, and being controlled...

I'm so sick of the emotional blackmail, being the only one even slightly concerned for our relationship, the only one doing any changing, only to face increased demands!

If this is the only way I can be married to this person.....forget it!

Am I still waiting for him to get thru withdrawal? A is over, but they still work together and have opportunity of daily contact. He says they don't speak, naturally I don't believe it. After speaking with ow recently, I realized he still discusses our personal life with her, as "friends".

Now he's all anger at OW for talking to me, and at me for talking to her....a very passionate anger, too! Red flags are up and flapping!

No questions are being answered, the whole deal. He just wants to get on with life.

To boot, yesterday, I was typing on this forum, and he asked what I was doing, so in the spirit of Radical Honesty, I showed him. Now he's angry about that too...internet privacy thing, and he's concerned that all I'm doing is bashing him here and looking for someone else...Sigh...

Maybe I'm just retreating in order to re-orient the troops and RANT ....

New Mantra meditation chant---"I can't change him....I can't change him..."

Thanks everyone!

PS-He's definitely noticed my withdrawal and detachment....this does NOT please him....can I get some feedback on this from a LB standpoint?.

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>

You "think" too much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How good are you at "living in the moment"? .... I suspect not too good.
Are you suspicious of good times, because they won't last?
Do you worry more than is good for you?
Are you preoccupied when having a good time, as if you are not fully present?
Do you feel vigilance is nearly always warranted?
Are you good at letting go and having fun?
Do you enjoy laughing at your own foibles?

HaHa Pepper! I've been accused of thinking too much more than once! The 12-step programs speak of "analysis paralysis"....I'll think about this... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Living in the moment- I try to do this, but may not be as good as I think! LOL! I'll take the reminder to heart....

Not suspicious of good times, but they are fewer lately due to recent financial crisis we are struggling with.

Yes, I probably do worry too much. I'm on my own dealing with that. He worries 10 times as much as I, so I can't even discuss my worries with him, his own take up his entire consciousness. So I keep them to myself, mostly. The reward I get for that is the accusation..."you don't seem to be worried, so you must not care"

Not pre-occupied with good times, actually, I'm pre-occupied with dissecting relationship pre-A, to see where we went wrong, and concentrate on my part in it, and working on those things.

Letting go and having fun has been difficult for me. I can always improve there.

Laughing at myself is the best way I've found to make the crying less...without LB'ing that is!

Actually, my primary fear today is that ongoing financial crisis is wiping out any previous improvements between us....and ow is right there for him every night when he gets to work.....

<small>[ February 12, 2003, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>

Helen:

"Not pre-occupied with good times, actually, I'm pre-occupied with dissecting relationship pre-A, to see where we went wrong, and concentrate on my part in it, and working on those things."

Just remember that as time goes by, your perception of what you remember, versus what your H perceives he remembers, and how you two interpret those memories, will change.

I spent months analyzing every little thing that I could remember (from 12 years ago!) that might give me a clue as to what went wrong when. I even found some, but when I told my W about them, many weren't such a big deal to her as what SHE perceived (or maybe even rationalized) was the root cause of our troubles and her A.

I'm "proud" (knowing full well how dangerous pride can be) of the following comments I made to my W recently:

Qfwfq: "Okay, I'll take full responsibility for everything bad that happened to our M, and I'll give you full credit for everything good that's happened. Does that help?" She actually came to my defense. And although it didn't amount to much during the convo, I think it planted a seed nonetheless.

Then, last weekend, when she asked me: "Do you believe that it would have been better if I had DV'd you 12 years ago?"
Qfwfq: "I don't want to speculate on what might have happened if we had said or done something different. I can only change what *I* do NOW, and hope for a better future." Whereas, if she had asked me that a year ago, I would probably have said something sarcastic like "Is a duck's butt waterproof?????"

Actually, she did ask me that question sometime around last summer. Just before that, she had said "I thought about DVing you then, but decided against it because I was afraid you wouldn't finish your PhD." (which I think I posted under one of the "fog" threads as an all-time great - she was doing me a FAVOR by having the A?). My answer then was "Yes, you should have DV'd me then, because I could have started over and had another family by this time." That was hurtful. One of the many hurtful things I said in retaliation to being hurt. I hope I live long enough to apologize for them all.

-Qfwfq

Ms. Wheels .... I think you are really cool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />