Hi all,
It's been a while since I posted, but I read the boards faithfully every day. A synopsis of my story -- D-Day was 7/4/02, while on "family vacation w/ our 3yo at the beach"...ugh, still brings back nightmares. He's never admitted to a PA, only claimed they were "friends", but that's a lie. We basically were separated living in the same house until 11/15, since then he has been living in an apartment (conveniently in the same town as OW). He and OW are co-workers, but all three of us work for the same large company, though I work in the corporate office.

Long story short, I believe he's an alcoholic (his dad is an alcoholic), though he will not admit to the problem. His sister passed away 2yrs ago from pancreatic cancer and since then he's been drinking more than ever before. Also, since the affair was discovered, he started drinking 7 days/wk and it's continued up to current. Though, at least he's not living here so I don't have to deal w/ the craziness for the most part. I recently told him we needed to schedule time for him to spend w/ our daughter -- I've been doing everything and never get a break. So, now we have a set schedule. He's w/ her Monday & Wednesday evenings here at the house and will have her one weekend day/nite each week.

I've been attending Al-Anon and it's been WONDERFUL. What a great organization, it's a lifesaver. I've learned to detach from him and I basically don't have any emotions when dealing with him. I still love him and wrote him an email on New Year's basically saying that I believed we were meant to be together and we could repair our marriage w/ alot of hard work, but also told him I could move on w/out him as my husband. During a conversation 2wks ago regarding visitation, etc, he said that he feels comfortable not living here, that he feels our marriage is over and he didn't want to play games w/ me, and referenced the email I wrote on New Year's. So, I said "my feelings have changed also". To that he replied "I can't imagine how they wouldn't". (Guess he was admitting in his own way the affair???). I was upset, got teary a bit, but never mentioned the bimbo once during the conversation. Then he said "I'll always be your friend S", and then hugged me. Seriously, I wanted to smack him but I just sat there.

Since then he's been supportive of my time off, has been extremely pleasant and makes an effort to always kiss me goodbye when leaving here. What is that about?????

Tonite was the kicker...got home at 8:30 and there was a newspaper clipping on the kitchen counter. " Free Seminar -- Everything You Need to Know About Divorce". I just looked at it, kind of laughed and said "are you planning on going?". He said "I hoped we could go together". WTF????? There's one next tuesday and he said, maybe then? I said OK, whatever and then moved on to other conversation. Once again, no emotion on my part.

Then when he was leaving he made a point to say "goodnite babe", gave me a kiss on the lips and hugged me tightly. WHAT IS GOING ON??? Is the alcohol seriously affecting his brain? I honestly don't know what to think. If he seriously wanted a divorce, why would he be hugging and kissing me? Now, we have not been intimate in months...not going there. But the kisses goodbye make no sense.

I know the senior MB's always say look at the actions, not the words. In this case, his actions certainly don't match the words, but I don't know what to think.

Any ideas on what I should do next? I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone...

<small>[ February 13, 2003, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: Rosedust ]</small>

quote:
So, I said "my feelings have changed also".

That is what started to turn it around.. You let him believe you had let go... As so often happens, now he is attracted to you, and wants what he is not sure he can have....

What do you do? Just continue on and accept it as it
is.. Keep telling him that he was right, that his feelings changed and so did yours.. tell him that you now see it was the best thing that could have happened to you, and that you realize that it was not working.. that you are glad that you can just be friends.. that you will go to the divorce seminar, but are not sure it will change your feelings...

For some reason, when you do these things, they start to pursue you... The key is to keep letting him wonder if he has made a mistake that he may not be able to correct, which will make him want it even more.... Why does it work that way? I have no idea.. That is just what reality shows us over and over again.. letting them see we have let go, challenges them and moves them in the direction that we have wanted all along.. Just sit back and enjoy being pursued, but do not change your tactics, because they are working. Tell him you are happy with your life now and not sure what you want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Agreeing with their view of the situation works..
Men are attracted to women who are a challenge. They lose interest if you give too much and not show them you have self respect. You are learning how to play the dating game.. Good job...
.

Keepmvn -- thank you for your reply. Honestly, I didn't think of it that way, but it makes sense (if anything in this crazy scenario makes sense, ya know?). I'm still a little mystified as to why he would want to attend this divorce seminar together, especially if divorce isn't what his ultimate goal is. I honestly think he doesn't know what he wants and is very comfortable in the life he has right now. Hell, who wouldn't be -- I've made it very easy for him.

But, I'll keep going to Al-Anon as that has helped me immensely. So, you think I should attend this seminar w/ him next tuesday?

Thanks for the input -- it really helps me keep my perspective.

Any thoughts anyone????

Daughter called him tonite on the "little phone" (cell phone -- speed dial) and they talked a bit. Then she handed me the phone and he asked what my plans were tomorrow regarding picking her up from school, etc. Told him he could pick her up and I'd be home around 5:30 or so. He seemed rather cold, so I cut the conversation short. It's as though he's a jeckyl and hyde person.

I'm heading out to an Al-Anon meeting now. Hoping to hear from someone...

Thanks.

dont let him jerk you around. either you are pursuing a clear plan A, or if you cant (which you seems to be the case?) cut off contact to a minimum. and certainly dont go to the divorce workshop with him if you dont want a divorce to happen!

Nick-thanks for your reply. Actually, I've been doing a very good Plan A since mid October -- it was very difficult prior to him moving out because the affair was in my face all the time and he was (is) abusing alcohol.

Even he has noticed the changes I've made within myself, and honestly I feel SO much better about me, both as an individual and as a mother. Unfortunately, he has himself convinced that he's not "in love" with me anymore and that our marriage should be over. At least that's what he says. His actions, on the other hand, don't reflect that (i.e., kissing me goodbye, hugs, etc).

I'm learning to "detach with love" as they say in Al-Anon. But, I just don't believe we can even begin marital recovery unless he admits to his alcohol problem. So, I'm not sure what to do from here...

Thanks for listening.