As you all know I had my son the whole weekend and it was utterly great! I also spent time with him yesterday. I took him shopping for his V-Day gift to mom. He chose a "multi-color," as he put it, candle for her. He told me he was going to give it to her last night but she could not open it until Friday.
A partial list of things he told me:

1. Mom "fibbed." She told him she did not love me when we were married and he now knows that's not true. Additionally, she told him she's not married to me and he knows that's not true.

2. "Why does mom sleep in the same bed as OM. She should be sleeping with you." What bothered me the most about this is that according to him all the kids have their own bedroom but OM and mom sleep on a sofa bed in the living room.

3. The kids cannot go downstairs at night except for emergencies such as needing to go "potty." When he does he goes to mom and OM is there in the bed with her.

4. He insists he is bored at that house.

5. He wants to live with me and only visit mom. When I asked him why he said it was because mom does not let him see me and he likes it better here at "our" home, as he says.

6. He told me of a couple of movies he's watched. Prior to the A, my W and I were very careful what movies and TV programs he watched. Now, he's seen a PG13 movie and a PG movie while there. He will turn 6 next week and I'm uncomfortable with this. A few months ago when my W and I talked about this her answer was that he's growing up. Now, I know some of you may disagree with me on this topic but the point I am trying to make is that before the A we were more judicious about everything and now she has relaxed a lot.

7. Mom said she and I are only married on a piece of paper and she's trying to change that.

8. OM is stronger and smarter than I am. This is because he is "bigger" than I am.

9. Last night we ate out and there was a small wishing well for the benefit of some hospital. He asked me for a coin and as he dropped it he said "I wish all three of us are together." ;( This does bring a tear to my eye.

I can't think of anything else right now.

Before you all jump on me and say that I should not talk about his mother, let me tell you that these conversations started with him. For instance, he would be talkative and then all of the sudden he would become withdrawn and silent so I would ask him what's wrong. He would say "nothing", I would ask him "are you sure," and he would say "yes". A short moment later he would start saying, "why..." and talking to me. I would then take the opportunity to explore how he is feeling about all this.

Thanks.

Your WW's selfish behavior has hurt your S and you are wise to seek custody of him. Please do not relay any of the information he shared with you back to her because she'll only become upset and she will punish him for revealing details of her behavior with OM back to you. Keep giving him all the love and emotional support that you can during this most horrible ordeal in his young life.

Remember the old saying 'what goes around, comes around'? well beleive it because sooner or later your WW will get a taste of her own medicine. Today's WS is tomorrow's BS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 5. He wants to live with me and only visit mom. When I asked him why he said it was because mom does not let him see me and he likes it better here at "our" home, as he says. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go for it, I know I would.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 8. OM is stronger and smarter than I am. This is because he is "bigger" than I am. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dont do this, but I know I would have felt like finding that out for myself. I have 3 stepson, and when my W and I first got married, her EX said all kind of bad thing's about my W and me, (no flaming, I did not meet my W till well after there DV was final). Yes there were many time I would have like to take him to task, but he was there father. Stay honest and open to your children, they will figure out right from wrong.

Get Court Ordered Co-Parenting conselor. I did. This is the only way someone could tell my ex. Conselor told ex not to bring OM around my kids for now but my ex refused. Conselor got her/me to sign release paper for conselor to talk to FCS (family court services) ... hint, hint, hint !. Conselor doesn't need to talk to them, she has all the court papers including their interview with my 2 D & us. This conselor needs someone could interfere legally. I turned over all my snooping about OM & his family, she has no choice but to discuss it w/ FCS. I has many points on my court order and one of them actually not to bad mouth the other party ... the one that will get them is drinking or drug use. They drink but not getting drunk yet in front of my 2 D .... when that happen, FSC will have to interfere. There is no ex words aginst my 2 D words. I am a bit lucky that my 2 D are very mature and older (10&14) than your boy.

About your boy ... you have to separate your W actions and his love for his mom.
1. You let him know that mommy is not her self right now and many words that she say she doesn't really mean it since she is angry at dady.
2. No matter what happen, she is still mommy and you are dad ... nobody could change that.
3. This is between 2 adult and you will tell him more when he grow up, for now he should be dady's boy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

coffeeman,

You are absolutely right about not telling my W the damage she's doing to him. He told me something yesterday and asked me not to tell her that he told me. That is bad, bad, bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

dred,

I will never try to prove to my S that OM is not stronger and smarter than I. First, he is physically stronger and bigger. Secondly, I told my S that he should not say one person is smarter than another, that it is not a nice thing to say to somebody.

redhat,

I've alway, always encouraged that bond between my S and his mother. Last night I took him shopping for a V-Day present from him to his mom. If I go with what I feel, I don't think she deserves it, but you know what, she's still his mom and I'm teaching him to respect her and love her no matter what. I said to him, "yes, mom has made bad decisions but always remember that she loves you very much."

We will be having custody evaluation soon. Unfortunately, everything my S says about OM, it looks like he is the perfect man for my W. I have not been able to find anything negative about him that would stand a chance in court. Yes, there are a lot of negatives and to me he is an SOB, but that type of stuff is irrelevant in court.

Thanks to all of you for responding. It really means a lot to me.

UC,

A lot of stuff won't fly in the court but everything goes actually in the mediation !!!. Get organize !. journal everything !. Based on what she told your kids, the FCS will put a gag order on both of you not to talk bad about the other parent ... she might not comply but you did your part to protect your S as the law allows you to. If she keeps breaking it ... you could drag your W rear behind to the court. However you should ask for court appointed Co-Parenting conselor to monitor your kid. Keep your cool, even if your W tells the biggest lies !. Ask them to interview the kid also, FCS knows how to get the fact out from kids.

-good luck- rh

I missed this ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
<strong>Unfortunately, everything my S says about OM, it looks like he is the perfect man for my W.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is not what your S says ... 80% comes from your W and 20% comes from the b@str@rd trying to get to your W panty. Even OM is perfect for your W ... he will never be able to change the fact that you are your son's DAD. He will never change the fact that he broke your M along with your W. In my ex's eyes, OM is perfect for her ... however my 2 D read it differently. Hang in there, I know it is painfull but be there for your son. La La Land will end sooner or later .... the stats is behind you and hope by then it won't wreck you nor your son.

Find Emiliana Torrini's "Gollum's Song" from TheLordOfTheRIngs:2Towers, get extra tissues. It is a cruel yet perfect gift for WS that are too late too far ....

-rh-

I think we're doing the best we can do, with our boys. They're so young, and can only understand minimal details. When they get older, we can tell more, IF that's something they want to know.

Either way, all that matters now is that we be the best persons in this whole situation. I think your responses to your son have been exceptional! Your little boy is one lucky kid, to have a dad who cares so much and is so willing to protect him. His mum used to be the same way too. But those darn moose brain worms take their toll in time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I too, do my best not to badmouth H or his family. However, I don't hide my feelings for them (how they make me mad, sad, upset, etc.). I'm hoping that by doing that, it's keeping "feelings" communication open with Eric (the twins are only 2 yrs old... we don't talk yet. grin).

It is very sad, that your W is using your son as a pawn in this. That is so unfair to him. He's torn up enough as it is. And there's no point in educating her about her actions... that will only make it worse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You're doing a great job UC! Keep up the good work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told me something yesterday and asked me not to tell her that he told me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">uc,

This poor boy is probably saying the same thing to his mother. He is extremely torn and does not want to hurt either one of you.

Your S might benefit from a child counselor. He may need some assistance in learning to cope with the recent and ongoing changes in his life.

-He had been removed from his Daddy and the place he knows as Home.

-He has been wisked off to place where he suddenly has to live with and share his quarters with other children and a man other than his Daddy.

-He is subjected to witnessing his mother being intimate with someone other than his Daddy.

-He is subjected to the lifestyle of the OM's home which probably differs greatly from what is was being raised in with you.

-He is constantly caught between the two of you as you battle back and forth over your marital issues.

There are probably a lot more to add. That's a lot for a 6yr old to absorb and cope with.

jmho
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

utterlyconfused, its' time for the family counselors at court to hear from your son. They need to be informed of the sleeping situation, and take him privately and talk to him. Be sure to just tell him to be honest with them.
Don't you have family court that works on the visitation part? custody part?
It's not unheard of for them to talk privately with children. The fact that your wife is sleeping with OM right in house where children can see is not right. It's teaching them immoral bahavior.
And she's trying to make it seem ok by changing the habits of monitorning his TV , ect.
This way she can justify, (Sic) her guilt and immoral behavior.
In fact, perhaps she thinks being so lenient with son will make him like her better. After all, she's allowing him privileges he didn't Have before, Right?
she's using her own son!
She doesn't deserve custody and your son deserves to be with you who will keep him on track.
Counseling would be good for your son also.
It's ok to love mom, but he doesn't have to like what she's doing or be a part of it!
God bless, LouLou

Hi,

JMHO-

In my state, Texas, bs can get court order that ws cannot spend nite with another adult while married to ws... while with kids.

You might want to look into that one.

Ck out your state attorney general's office- for help only with kid related issues, I am doing this for FREE via the State... , also an attorney and temporary orders.

Hugs, hONEY

The first thing I checked is if I could prevent my S from spending time with OM and his family. Since my W was in TX, I asked my lawyer to put the order in, but she dropped her lawsuit before I could do this. Where we are now, that does not matter.

We are setting up a custody evaluation for all three of us to help determine custody. I spoke with my atty yesterday and based on the age of our son and the fact that she's always been his primary caretaker I have a rough road ahead. Unfortunately, morality cannot be legislated. I say unfortunately because of cases like mine. What images and examples is he getting from mom now that he may think is normal in the future!

It's still frustrating because I've talked to her a couple of more times about arrangements for our son and she is so nice and accommodating, the hypocrisy is sick.

When I talked to my W about her behavior in front of my son all she says is that we have difference of opinions. Very frustrating.

Thanks to all who replied.

<small>[ February 14, 2003, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>