What do you do when you have no proof of involvement with OW. I really have no way of finding out if he is still talking with her. He may be emailing at work and using cell to talk, but I can not access those things. It is hard to know how I should go about this when I am not sure about OW. I do have my instincts which say that he is torn between fantasy of relationship with her and life here, but no proof. How can you deal with someone when they still won't admit to involvement. Any ideas?

Go --

Hard to keep up with you; you move around so often (lol!). But I've found you here in GQII, so we'll use this Forum for awhile.

One of the things I've learned in my time here at MB is that posters often answer their own questions, sometimes inadvertantly, but clearly and correctly nonetheless. You now have accomplished this valuable feat. You do in fact have "proof" of H's involvement with OW. I've borrowed from your other post...ready? "he does not love me, that his feelings for me are gone and that they are not coming back. Oh yes, he also says that he questions whether we ever had a connection." = All classic, textbook, Fog-generated statements from WS to you!

Countless numbers of us (myself included!) have heard these exact same words and for the exact same reasons. An A is in progress, sorry to say. Believe it or not, WS's follow virtually identical scripts when discussing their behaviors with BS's, varying only in timing, but never in content.

You went on to say, "He still will not admit having any relationship with this other woman or that she has anything to do with this." -- read this again and you'll see the obvious non sequitur. "There is no other woman...oh, and she doesn't have anything to do with my feelings." -- more Fog-bound nonsense. Please find WAT's marvelous "Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses" in the JFO Forum. It's all there. Everything you need to know and what to expect.

When confronted, most every WS claims no A at all or "we're just friends" so we learn nothing concrete, but the doubts and feelings don't go away = your case. You have your instincts because you know your H and you know something's amiss. Keep snooping (here called Basic Research), keep your eyes open and your instincts sharpened. Trust your gut. I have no proof for you but I've spent a lot of time on this board, enough to "smell a rat" when it's described to me. If an A is in fact on-going, something will emerge to confirm your suspicions. I think a gentle talk with H is imperative. Let him know (even though "nothing's going on") that you're immensely uncomfortable with your feelings.

I hope very much for your sake that this isn't the case. I wish you didn't have to post here and share your fears with us. Let's both hope these fears aren't confirmed. We're here for you...

Ammon

Hi Ammon,
I know I am jumping around a bit. I too have realized that what I describe are tell tale signs of an A. It is just so hard to believe, not to mention painful. I keep reading how I should not bring up the A, that this will only push him farther away. I feel that I have gained a lot of valuable information about what might have motivated him, the outcome of most A's and how we have such potential to make this better-I feel that if he could read, see some of this, he too would see how text-book this is. I have also read over and over that he is in a fog and can not see the true picture. Last night he held me and really cried. I think that he feels so guilty and just doesn't know what to do. I am really trying not to talk about our situation or the A, but it is so hard. I am afraid that we will stay stalled if we don't start working on this.