As a person who has spent a great deal of my adult life cheating I now recognize people who cheat. Or those who would tend to. (I can't decide if this is a blessing or a curse.)

I was having a conversation with 2 co-workers yesterday and I mentioned in passing that I thought both of them were the type to cheat in a relationship. Well let me tell you that neither one was particularly thrilled to here my insight. But later (privately) each of them pulled me aside and asked "how did you know?" I think it's just a vibe thing, because i'm not really sure how I knew.

I just wonder, do you guys recognize other BS's or WS's in this way?

Katie-

What personality traits do they display. What big things or subtle things do they do that make you go HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?

Very curious! What do you mean by "The Type"

I honestly don't know how it is that I know. I can just tell. There's not a "thing" per say. It's just an....I don't know how to describe it.

I was at a birthday party with my son last summer. I turned to a friend and said "that man cheats on his wife." She just looked at me like <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> "what!?" I just said "he does, he cheats on his wife i'll get you a dollar." I did not spoken to the man or his wife until much later in the day.

I don't ALWAYS know. I can just sence it with some people. I don't know that that is. That's why i'm asking if others get the same vibe from people.

KatieScarlett, I think so. I think it's an intuition many have, especially those who have been hurt.
And that is one gift that is not a blessing! Because then you just know when talking to your WS, it's still in them to repeat.
We're almost a year and 3 months into recovery and he still says things that just pop out like lightening.
They will always have this manner of making excuses that says, "If I want to, i will"!
Rlyhurtin, sometimes it's the ones you least expect, the quiet type. But watch body language!
Whenever they're in a group, and watch the conversation. It's more about what they don't say in certain instances,than what they say.
KS, it's a dang burden, huh?
Body language speaks louder than words!
LouLou

I tend to have this sense as well. Growing up my Father cheated, and I was the first to find evidence. My Father's best male friend was cheating and I was the first to comment to my parents that I knew he was cheating. Didn't take much to figure it out...a jeans and t-shirt guy starts wearing designer suits to the evening service at church. DUH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

They were surpised I caught on so quickly. I tend to think their personality is not to rock the boat in a relationship. My FWH never picks a fight or will agrue with me unless I provoke. So I'm always the "bad guy" bringing up the not so nice things in our relationship. He won't ever bring up the unpleasant. So it becomes "my attitude" problem. Just be nice to me is his motto. If I'm nice all will be well. At least for him.

That's the problem however, they fester and brew underneath where you can't see. Then when someone comes along who never complains...they're hooked.

This is a general personality type that I recognize. Very sweet desposition but quite rebellious internally. They seem to reach a point where they get so fed up it becomes..."my way at all costs"

Just my thoughts,

Shaz

Hey Katie:
You should hang up a shingle and charge for this service. It would be especially great if you could tell if they are done with cheating - never to cheat again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Maybe I could send you a videotape of my FWH or something with his scent??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You could make a ton of money of this website alone!!!!!
DB

Katie-

Very interseting topic. I agree with you that it is something that you "know" after having gone through it.

Something else to consider- I've been out of work the last couple of days and I noticed that I no longer enjoy watching the "GARBAGE" television during the day. I found it VERY disturbing to watch these women and men cheating on each other and enjoying the PAIN that they were inflicting on each other. I was just wondering if something similaer happened to you after going through this last experience and learning what you have?

DB- I honestly think that in a person's heart you truly "know" when a person sincerely has changed. Sure there will always be fear, but I think that there are "vibes" that people give off that others do read. When someone is sincere, these messages will be received and your intuition interprets them... JMHO.

kily,

Believe it or not, I was never really into garbage tv. It's not so much about the pain of infidelity as it is about the screaming and hysteria.

My experience has been that those shows don't speak realistically to the subject anyway. I get why WS's cheat. I even now get why BS's stay. What I don't get is people's tolerance for needless hysteria in their living room.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes. I guess I am starting to wonder too.

I guess I must not have the intuition then because I thought my husband HAD changed and then, oops...he did it again.

Why do BS's stay KS? Are we the eternal forgivers and nice guys or doormats?

Just curious as to your opinion...

Thanks, Honey

Katie,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As a person who has spent a great deal of my adult life cheating I now recognize people who cheat. Or those who would tend to. (I can't decide if this is a blessing or a curse.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe it is a blessing and that it is given to you to help others who are,have or will have to deal with the struggles you have encountered.WS and BS and even the ones who are neither but who need help in understanding others,such as family or friends,who might be in the situation.I have had noone around me who understands and I have had to read and search for those here who truly understand(Thank the stars above and the One who made them, for sending Pepperband <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ) as some situations can be different.You have been a lot of help and a blessing to me.

Another little tidbit of something I posted on another thread....
Isn't it amazing how we fail to understand some things until we experience it? Kind of like tasting cod liver oil.You never forget what it looks like,tastes like or what it will do for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Keep smellin' em out girl.Find a way to tactfully and gracefully help them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You might even have your own program or seminars!It would be the first of it's kind! The opportunities are endless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> KK

Uh,BTW. Could I make an appointment to bring in my FWH in a couple of months for an analysis? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
KK

SH says we are ALL wired to cheat under the right circumstances,,,,that is our emotional needs not being met for long enough,,some will cheat faster than others, but we are all wired,,,food for thought,,,Holly

Hearthealing, Thanks for the reminder.(IMHO)it all comes down to one major,important,absolute thing in ALL areas of life.... SELF CONTROL.Sometimes it takes getting help and the right tools to learn that self control,such as MC, AA, NA, SA or IC.

I think what Katie is "recognizing" is when the wiring gets "faulty" or "sparking." There are times when we are more suceptible.

You can get wonderful insight into another reason for an A other than EN's not being met on the RECOVERY area on a post by Absentmindedprofessor and his W,Stephanie. I think everyone who reads here on MB should read his thread.It gives new insight. All A's are not the result of EN's not being met.He explains.
Sending you a <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . kk

Interesting thread Katie! I kind of feel the same way you do....like I could possibly identify potential or actual cheaters. (I'm a FWS.)

One of the women my H (BS) claims to be "just good friends with", but that he lived with for 2 weeks during the first month of our separation, and that he confessed to sleeping in the same bed with earlier this month, is a definite cheating candidate. She has NO BOUNDARIES. If someone else tells her to do something (eg. my H), she does it for the sake of receiving any and all acceptance and admiration she can get. She was abused as a child, she lost her brother about 1.5 years ago, she's just all around fragile and needy. What's sad is my H seems to be trying to decide if he would like to leave me for her....but my bet is she'll cheat on him too eventually.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That's the problem however, they fester and brew underneath where you can't see. Then when someone comes along who never complains... they're hooked.

This is a general personality type that I recognize. Very sweet desposition but quite rebellious internally. They seem to reach a point where they get so fed up it becomes..."my way at all costs" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Indeed Shaz, sad as it is for me to say, I think this describes the me of the past 4 years......but I think I've woken up and snapped out of it, I hope! With an awareness of it, I think I can overcome it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SH says we are ALL wired to cheat under the right circumstances,,,,that is our emotional needs not being met for long enough,,some will cheat faster than others, but we are all wired,,,food for thought,,,Holly </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, now THAT'S INTERESTING! A frightening philosophy, but it does seem to make a lot of sense.

Well, there's my 2cents worth.

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Katie Scarlett:
<strong>

But later (privately) each of them pulled me aside and asked "how did you know?" I think it's just a vibe thing, because i'm not really sure how I knew.

I just wonder, do you guys recognize other BS's or WS's in this way?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Katie, but there has got to be SOMETHING about them that you can recognize. I can also spot alcoholics but if I thought real hard about it, I would be able to tell you what traits I recognize. I was also an infidel when I was younger and I could spot other infidels by thier nihilistic traits. Are you sure there is not SOMETHING?

P.S. Katie, I have always admired the fact you never mince words and are a straight shooter. You always call it what it is.

Katie,
Very interesting subject. Being on both sides of the fence. I'd say you can pick out a cheater as they wear their hearts on their sleeves. Cheaters seem to have no problem telling strangers or friends about any aspect of their lives, nothing is keeped private. Which is in my opinion an open invitation for anyone to enter. Also I believe its someone who is the touchie feelie type. As they give the impression that they are open to just about anything. Just a few things I've been able to spot in a WS.

KS - You are truly gifted. I think many of us are capable of tapping into knowledge that isn't gained through "normal" channels, but many people choose to ignore the information. You have chosen to believe in it, and it seems you've been correct. I'd also love to know how you do it, maybe it's by recognizing body language, or paying attention to certain words in a conversation - or what is omitted? I have found that it's possible for me to dream about certain things that happened during the day and to have the dream put it into another way of understanding. I have actually awakened a few times to have solved a problem while dreaming! I wish it happened more often! Do you think that you are more tuned into profiling an infidel because you have been there yourself?

Kings Kid - I agree with you about self control stopping an A before it begins. I would also add that self-respect has a lot to do with it. I had been tempted to have an A 20 some years ago. Things were difficult at home, not much money, 2 young kids, me in school, H not happy. I met someone and found him attractive, thought about what the chances were we could have a relationship. I asked myself a few questions:
1. Was I willing to hurt my H by having an A?
2. Was I willing to potentially ruin my marriage by having an A?
3. Was I willing to give up my family by having an A?
4. Was I willing to live with myself having an A?
The answers to to the first 2 was "Maybe", but the last 2 were NO!! And for what it's worth, I was most sure of the last one, I was not willing to live with myself if I had an A. It goes against everything I live for - honesty, truth, doing the right thing - as cliche as it might sound.

You guys make me think! Thanks!
Lablady

Me WS 47
WH 48
Married 24 yrs
S 24, D 22
OW 44, widow/coworker
DDay 1&2 1990, EA, PA with coworkers
DDay 3 7/02 EA
9/02 PA
H goes back and forth btwn me and OW for 2 mos while I Plan A
10/9/02 I tell H to leave, he moves in w/mother
11/02 til 2/3/02 H on disability from work, at first to stay away from OW, then ?
12/10/02 H promises NC, wants to come home for holidays
12/17/02 H contacts OW
12/31/02 H moves in w/OW
1/29/03 I receive letter from H, first contact of 2003, says he loves me, wants to get his own apartment, make decisions w/o OW, I'm skeptical, he's done this before
2/9/03 Plan B letter, waiting to see what's next