Need some levity? I sure the heck do! And these are particularly rewarding because my W sent them to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." _________________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" ________________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" _________________________________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." _________________________________________________

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b***h to iron."

_________________________________________________

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" _________________________________________________

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b***h is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b***h is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b***h is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." _________________________________________________

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh!+! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not
open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips of ALL of your
credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
uses subspace frequencies to scratch any CDs you attempt to play. It will
program your phone auto dial to call only 0055 numbers. This Virus will mix
antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink ALL your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current
boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your
Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is
only fun until someone loses an eye.It will rewrite your backup files,
changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating
undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub.It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your
mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. **

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> -Qfwfq

These are very funny!!

Thanks

Q,

Thanks for the pick-me-up. I'm ROFLMAO.....!

1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

2. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

5. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

6. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

7. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />