I attended a group of 21 women for First STep. An interesting scenario went on last night in the women discussing their lives. Most of the women here were battered in some form. It was interesting to hear how their lives went. One thing came up, and we all shared in that we all moved a lot. I didn't realize it, but this is also a sign of a controller too.

We went through some statements that were told to us, and the sameness of everyone discussing what was said to them by their husbands. I just couldn't believe it, so many same remarks.

Our husbands could change if they want to. But most feel they are fine the way they are. They are lonely men inside, and afraid to admit their failures. I know, that my husband is unable to admit he has done wrong. I admit I did wrong, many times.

This group is really good, I cried again last night, and many others did to. This group I am in, it is hard to hear what the women have been through, and this makes my night hard to deal with. I had a hard time coming home, by myself, crying and talking to God. Talking to God, and asking God WHY, WHY, God, is this man being like this? Why God, are you allowing this to happen?

Their is a wheel that we follow, and we did a game last night. Surprising that many of the pies were filled, by our husbands.

Never thought I would be in these shoes, and hating these shoes. But knowing when I am done, I am going to be a very strong woman, and a woman of many good traits. Cause inside I know I am a good woman, a loving woman, a cargiver, and a very trustworthy person. My Lord, knows this, and is showing me everyday, that I am GOOD!!!!!

Hi F4me,

Good to hear from you and even better to know that those meetings are having a postive impact.

Hugz,
L.

This "wheel" you keep on mentioning... is it by chance called the "Power and Control" wheel? If so, I am oh so familiar with it from when I was staying at the womens' shelters!!!

I used to always think that an abused woman (or man... I know it works both ways) was one that was either physically assaulted, sexually assaulted, or verbally abused with horrific language.

The biggie that struck me, was the financial abuse, and how it affected me so. The simplest of things, like me not having my driver's license (I just turned 30!!), was a major form of abuse and control by my H. The money was never available for it... but he always could afford to go out for coffees with buddy guy friend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> And he always had blank cd's to burn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I would ask him to budget for the license fee ($100), but it would never happen. OH! But he would be sure to complain about me not having it! Yessirree!! Gosh... the guilt and feelings like I was going crazy STILL bother me.

I never thought about the moving around thing. But that makes sense. To be moved from city to city (or other areas of town). Not being able to make new friends. Lack of stability. Therefore, lack of confidence. Therefore, abuse issues have a thriving metropolis! ugh!

You are very fortunate to have found such a group to interact with. I'm hoping to get involved in something similar, through the abused womens' shelter I stayed at. They have a program for women on Wednesday afternoons, to meet with other women who lived in shelter, and to discuss the changes taking place in our lives. And another group, through an affiliated agency, meets over the course of a few months (I can't remember how many hours are allocated to each eligible participant, based on funding availability), and discuss what they've been through, and how to not be there again. Now that I'm settled in the new house, I can work at getting to these programs. My first appt is during the first week of March.

Karen

Topie - yes the wheel is those you talk about. I hate to look at the wheel. But I have and talked about it Thursday night. Deep inside, I don't feel my husband is an abuser. But there are many things that fit his personality. He needs to change some of them, and make himself a better person. Whomeever he fills the wife position with, when I am gone, will have a difficult time with his control.

My husband is a controller. The kids know, and have told me you can't change dad. He is always going to be that way. I said yes, but with Gods prayer and power, miracles can happen. That is where I have put the full power of change into Gods hands. Plus for myself too.

Hi Orchid. Yes, these groups are powerful, and the statements said by the other women, I was just so amazed, so unbelieveable that the same words were coming out at them.

My new name that husband is calling me is CRAZY MAKER. I know what he is stating, and it is disrespectful and uncaring. I talked with someone yesterday about it. I was troubled by the name calling and hurt, and talked for a few hours to someone about this name calling. I am not that person he says I am. And that hurts, that he only sees me as a negative human. There is nothing else that I can do to change him. He has to want to change, and make the change.

I am here for my kids, and family and animals. I am here for his mother. We talk quite a bit. I talked to her today, she is so depressed. I gave her the DVD that I rented, the Greek Wedding, to watch. She really enjoyed it. I am going to invite her and her friend over next weekend for a dinner. Just to say I love her, and I am here for her. I feel sorry for her, and she is in such a predicament with her house.

Well, I am going to get to bed and write in my journal. Journaling has really helped too. I don't write everynight, but it helps to get the anger out. Then I can read some more of the book I have been told to read. Waking the Tiger. I might buy it, cause it has lessons in each chapter. And it is a good referecne book.

Thanks for listening. And do any of you think this was disrespectful towards my husband. Cause he reads, and he may criticize me tomorrow for posting. And want me to change something I wrote. I can't post at ease, and just wondering if this post was okay.

You shouldn't have to worry about what you type on here. SNL knows darn well that this board is used for venting purposes much of the time... right SNL??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Faith4me: You have to let it out. If you are like me, you like the "interactive" part of "journalling" on MB. There's NOTHING WRONG with that. If SNL has problems with your approach, then he can deal with it. He's a big boy now. You're not his mother. You don't need the responsibility of protecting him from himself. If he is an abuser, and cannot see his wrongdoings, then that is his problem. You know you cannot change that. You can only work on yourself.

You mentioned the anger that you feel, and like to get out in your journal. Does your course offer anything along the lines of "anger management"? Or have you looked in to anything that would help you? It's one of those avenues I need to address for myself. I no longer have anger towards my H, but I still feel my blood boil when I think about the A's... specifically the most recent "love of his life" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> that was sleeping in MY bed within 3 weeks of me and the boys fleeing for the shelter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I think I'm just mad at her, b/c I can see a lot of the old me in that situation... and I don't want to see H hurt anyone else. But I don't know for sure.

Sorry about the rambling.. .but it DOES feel better to let it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SNL: Why are you reading your W's posts, if all you're going to do is criticize her FEELINGS?? Constructive criticism is one thing... but somehow, I don't think that is the message you are getting across to Faith4me. You know the MB concepts... as much as you have questioned them, and spent a LOT of time debating them on here, you also admitted that they are sound (for the most part <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Why not put them to good use, and avoid the LBing, huh? If you need to express anger... do it in the mirror first.

Karen

Karen - My situation, is that my husband is a controller. He knows, and has admitted it. He seems to think that we all should do what he says, and thats the way it should be. Which I have stated to him, I will in time get something done. But I am working on myself now. And if it is not done in the alloted time he has given me, then maybe he should help. I am not being mean spirited, I am telling him that I am important now, and important to me, and that I have to do things for myself.

Just like going to physical therapy. I talked to him last week about one time he wanted me to go and pick up parts after physical therapy. I tried to express to him that I was not feeling good. Physical therapy sometimes really hurts, and gets me wore down. He doesn't see it, cause he is not around. Many times, I come home and lay on the couch with an ice pack, and fall asleep for a short nap. I might take a anti-spasm pill, or pain pill. But he went on that he needed the part, and it is just a short distance away. He was not listening to me, and instead of trying to express my pain & feeling wiped out, I just said fine, whatever. I got the part, and got on the expressway and started coming home. He called me on the cell phone, and asked if I got the part, he wanted to know how much they charged. I said I am driving on the road. Anyways, I pulled over on the expressway, got the receipt out, and read it to him. He was okay, and then said that is all, and go on home. Yep, I wanted to go on home long before this. I cried, he doesn't know, many times that I cry, cause there is no use in telling him. He doesn't seem to listen to me. And when I try to express that I am not feeling good, he seems to ignore me.

We talked briefly this week, about my expressing concern about the terrorists and physical therapy. And I wanted someone to listen to me, and to say, I understand that you are concerned, and feeling sad. I wanted empathy. He troubleshoots, which he is good at, but there is also the need for empathy without troubleshooting. He stated to me that he shows empathy. I expressed to him what I would of liked to hear. It was after the first session with group therapy. Cause that was the group session on listening.

This past week was on the wheel. And yes, we did hit anger. Which I know I have a problem with. It is better now, and I am letting things go. There are papers that I am working on. And to write in my jouranl has been such a help. I can express, let it out, get this garbage out of my system. Before, I was afraid to, for fear of getting someone mad at me. My husband gets mad too easily. And that is his problem to work on. I got mad easily. And now I know why, I was not listened to. Our oldest son is doing this to me. I showed him the other day, how he is demeaning me and sloughing me off. I said this is unacceptable. I am a human, and I am a good mother, and I am a good wife. There is no reason for treatment of this sort.

My kids are learning that we are going to have many financial struggles. They are realizing that life is not going to be easy. But they will be stronger for this. I know I will survive, it is not going to be easy. I am looking to God for help, and that is the strength of my power right now. I have been praying and praying for many months to get stronger. It is ironic, I got 3 calls today from friends. One was a cousin from Florida, and she knows what I am going through. She said at her church in Florida, she put me in the prayer group. I thanked her, and we prayed on the phone. They are ones who go to Florida for Winter, and come back to Michigan for the summer. She put me in her prayer group in church here in Michigan before they left for Florida. I got a call from a good friend, that I haven't seen in 2 months. And then I got another call from another friend I haven't seen since before thanksgiving. This is God working with me, and telling me that I am loved, and I am a good person. I was so thankful for everyone calling me. And I had the kids help finish making dinner. They said it was very good. We had roasted chicken, (Purdue on sale for 47cents a pound) a limit of 3. So I bought 3 and froze the other 2. Redskin mashed potatoes, and gravy, green beans I canned, and harvard beets I canned. Then I made (with oldest sons help) a big dish of applecrisp, from fresh apples, and we had fresh squeezed orange juice. My husband (SNL) bought this juicer for me, and I love him for it. The orange juice was sooo.... good. The kids, did put icecubes in their orange juice. But we sat down and had dinner in the living room and watched comedy hour. Was good to see the kids go for 2nds. Made me feel good. And our bird (blue front amazon bird) her name is SOLO, had a dish of food too.

I invited husband for dinner, but he was at the gym and had to install a part on someones furnace. And I wanted him to have a nice dinner. But he said it would be awhile. So I said, the food will be put away. Just wanted to have him over to have dinner with the family. So I said, oh well, forget it.

I am hoping to go to the gym to work out. I have gained some weight, but I love to exercise. It makes me feel good. And that is where SNL and I met. So it has a bit of nostalgia.

I am selling things, and this is hard. Trying to not get overwhelmed, by all that I have to do. Trying to get my sewing room cleaned up and some things packed. I want to put my painting stuff out and maybe see if painting is what I should do. Thought, I could paint old gas cans, and things like that, with pictures of old time scenery, and sell the products. A way of making some money. I might not have the interest. But will see if this is what I need to do.

Just coping, and moving on. No where to go in particular. Since I have so many days with physical thereapy, and masso therapy, and counseling. But I am moving forward.