Older,

On my thread you said some rather tough things to me about the message it would give my children if my exH were to forgive me, and return home after I'd had an affair.

I mentioned a thread I'd read here, and the beauty of someone's words regarding their Wwife. Let me share it now here, for you...

Mark, I hope you don't mind me sharing these words here that you put on Rlyhurtin's thread. They were touching to me, and very beautiful.

Mark said (Mark is a BS, by the way)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Has your wife shown you the slightest amount of changes in her actions?

Is it once a cheat always a cheat?

This depends on how optimistic or pesimistic one is don't you think? I sure hope not and I think under the right circumstances that no, a cheat is not always a cheat. Give it some time as the other posters have said.

Only you can answer this question and you probably already know the answer or you wouldn't be here. If you truly love your wife and your marriage then you will continue to trudge through the mirk of this crappy situation until you have nothing left to give.

Why don't I have more pride? It should be her making the effort right? If she didn't want this why did she behave like she did! Shouldn't I be the "hunted now" and not the "hunter"

Pride will kill recovery for both of you. Neither one of you can afford to have too much pride in this. What is pride in this case anyway? The act of holding on to resentment? Both parties have to let go of the past and put resentment aside. You both have it. Yes, in a perfect world it would be the WS trying to make all the effort but this isn't a perfect world. She is confused, hurt, ashamed, quilty and scared. She has to work through this on her own time schedule I'm afraid. This is reality. Keep showing her a safe environment where you protect her and love her even though you won't see much in return right now. She is seeing it but very reluctant to show you. Once again give it time. It sucks big time but this is the situation.

Give her sometime to feel safe from the pressure of recovering now. Eventually she will start to feel safe enough to talk with you about this."

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Older, I know that my exH didn't react as these other men did to the infidelity of their wives. I simply wanted to share with you the attitude of many BS here, and why I continue to have faith in the good Lord that my husband will someday forgive me,too.

God bless you,
H_P

h_p - I too am a FWS who won't give up hope that my H will forgive me someday. I too try "to have faith in the good Lord that my husband will someday forgive me,too." It sounds funny to say that I "try" to have faith in the Lord, but really, forgiving me and being willing to work on our marriage is only something my H can do. But I am so very thankful for the forgiving nature of God.

There is one line in that post you quoted that I disagree with though: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, in a perfect world it would be the WS trying to make all the effort but this isn't a perfect world. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my opinion, BOTH parties need to put in the effort. A hurt, angry, still resentful and bitter BS will think that the FWS should grovel and do most of the work. Howeover, a BS who realizes that a marriage is a partnership should not expect the FWS to behave in such a manner forever. I've behaved like that for 8 months, and simply can't do it anymore. I need my BS to meet me halfway, and make some of the effort too.

Of course, this is my perspective as a FWS without children. But I thought I should point out that IMHO, no relationship will work if only one person is making most or all of the effort.

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>h_p - I too am a FWS who won't give up hope that my H will forgive me someday. I too try "to have faith in the good Lord that my husband will someday forgive me,too." It sounds funny to say that I "try" to have faith in the Lord, but really, forgiving me and being willing to work on our marriage is only something my H can do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very true, Jen. God won't force someone to do something against his/her will. You are smart to realize that and the fact that God DOES forgive you.

I appreciate your posts because they give me a good insight into the mind of a WS. While I did forgive my DH, I also gave him intermittant hell for about a year. About every 6 weeks, I would explode again. Thankfully, he understood it was necessary to let me get it out and, by doing that, all of my anger dissipated.

On the other hand, sometimes I have this urge to nail him about the affair from time to time, but I control myself because I know he has done EVERYTHING humanly possible to repair the damage he did. That would be completely unfair to him to bring it up at this point.

Thanks Jen and Melody for your thoughts here! Jen, I follow many of your threads here-thanks for all of your help. Melody, I appreciate what you said about exploding every six weeks or so and giving your spouse H for a year. Thanks for your insight.

I'm bumping this up, hoping that Older will read it and hopefully respond to it.

Take care,
H_P

H-P hi,

I've put my reply to you on your main thread.

I do understand the courage and the humility of the forgiving BS.

Unfortunately your ex has chosen not to be one of them and we must respect that.

He is not communicating with you and maybe I can suggest what might be going through his mind.

I am not cruel and I have only respect for your courage in what you are trying to do but your efforts seem misguided.

Read my reply, I hope it helps. If it doesn't tell me and I'll shut up and wish you well.