Hi. I haven't posted in a long time. Last I left off I was trying to decide whether or not to go to Plan B and in addition, we have signed our legal separation agreement.
I'm in a semi-plan B. I don't do anything extra for WH, no extra calls, stay for a drink, etc. but we talk regarding the kids. WH continues to see OW.
I am doing fine..moving forward with my life. My biggest struggle is the guilt I feel for the demise of my marriage (not the affair). What if..What if...and my WH adds to it. Saying in the past month, "I was planning on coming back to the marriage but after all the horrible things you said to me and continued to say, I couldn't. I have wondered a thousand times if we could work, but then we talk and I know..." He has said it is not safe to talk to me..but yet, he hasn't talked to me really since he left so I feel like it is a cop-out..a gotcha.
He hasn't been willing to stop seeing OW at all since he left yet, he has not introduced the kids to her and he says he will when it is time.
I can file for divorce in about three weeks. I guess I will..his actions match his words. He isn't in a hurry to file and won't if I don't-he isn't a paperwork type person..all the agreements etc. have been started by me to protect myself and the kids.
He has alot of anger at me still. He also would like to be friends..called me the other day to say hi..on message said if I didn't want him to call anymore to say hello, let him know and he wouldn't. I didn't call him back either way. His friendship offers(dinner)/talks are when it doesn't seem to conflict with what I know of OW's schedule. He hasn't extended any warm fuzzies since I didn't call him.
I haven't encouraged the friendship offer b/c he had asked me out to dinner and then lied about something. I just can't take all the lies-about everything. I declined the dinner offer and he said, if you ever change your mind, let me know.
It seems to me that he wants his OW and he would like a friendship with me when its convenient but not a marriage -hence, I plan to file.
What does it look like to you?
Feedback appreciated.
Can't Sleep

<small>[ February 15, 2003, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: can't sleep ]</small>

I would appreciate your thoughts..
Thanks!

I see your Husband sitting on the fence sort of. He has you to talk to, to have dinner, to communicate with the kids, to tell you how rotten you have been. I would say, for now Plan B. Let him have his OW, if that is what he wants. But before you take him back, if he offers in the future, he needs to have STD testing done, No contact letter, and a committment. There should be counseling with the two of you and a counselor. That is if there is the committment of regrouping.

If not, which you should see in about 6 months, then I would file. You will have the upperhand, if he had the affair, and you didn't. But realize this is a death of marriage.

If you are angry, towards his affair (I was and am a little, but am turning away from his affair, cause I now know that the other woman is a big fat liar, and a nonworthy woman) look for counseling. Yes, the affair hurt you and your family. Your husband is putting the blame on you, which is quite typical of a wayward spouse. They don't want to take responsibility for their actions, so they blame you for everything. Heck you could get blamed for the dog throwing up.

Get counseling, and have you tried with the Harleys. They have a good system, and you might want to read their books.

Your husband, seems to be torn between having you as a friend, and having the otherwoman. He wants his cake and icecream too.

I was in this same situation. With what I know now, I would definitely have told him to leave the house. Do plan B, 100% and just be as nice as possible. But this was my first time as a betrayed spouse, and I did trust my husband, and found that he didn't care about me, and lied to me during his affair and after.

The trust issue, is hard to deal with. We gave our heart and our souls to our husbands. They don't have the same feelings that we have. And they don't mind demeaning us, and lieing to us. My husband is done lieing now. But the trust is hard to return. We are divorcing, and it is to be this way. My husband is an angry man, and needs to be in a 12 step program for anger. This is so sad, and my heart goes out to him. But he is the one who needs to counsel with someone, and he feels he is fine.

There is nothing you can do anymore for your husband. He has made his mistakes, he has to admit to his mistakes, and he has to make amends to his mistakes. We cannot do his work for him. This is something that he needs to do himself.

So I would if I was you, do a Plan B, for 6 months. Do a legal separation, and see what happens. I will pray for you, and hopefully God will show you the path. God be with you.

Hi can't sleep...

I was wondering about you the other day... glad you posted an update.

As for filing... I think the general MB conscensus is that it is up to you... that it should NOT be done as an EMOTIONAL response...

many advise that the person who left and is having an affair should file... their mess... their responsibility kind of thing...

I hope that you get some other feedback...
perhaps post on the divorced/divorcing board... as those posters have been there/done that...

Hugs and prayers,
Cali

Faith and Cali:
Thanks for your replies. F: Something you said: "we can't do anymore for our husbands..it's up to them" for some reason hit home. You are right. I've been open to WH since he left and he hasn't once asked to reconcile..wake up Can't Sleep! I need to continue letting go..
Cali: Good to hear from you. Filing would be a emotional decision..I don't want to be divorced; however, I feel like I can't move forward with my life competely (new relationships, believing my marriage is completely over with not one percent of hope) and that is why I would file. It seems like the healthy response rather than sitting around waiting for WH to do it..
Thanks,
Can't Sleep