Hi!
I have basically asked this question in another post, but got no direct replys. I know this situation is not good, but that is not my question.

I have basically become the OW in H's affair. He is living with OW but sneeking around to see me, taking off work, scheduling "appointments" he has to be at, leaving work early, to be with me.

The other day he took the day off work and arrived here at the time he would have gotten to work, dressed in his suit and tie. Changed clothes here and spent the next 8 hours (work equivalent) with me. He then changed back into his suit, and left here at the time he would leave work to return "home" to her.

Yes, I know, you can give me all the reasons this is wrong, and I am aware of them. It's just something I can't give up at this point even though I hurt really badly knowing what he is doing and when he leaves here. I guess I am trying to make him see what we could have.

My question is: what if the OW were to find out he is still seeing me? I have a friend who would be delighted to make the call, when he was here, so she could even drive by and see his car here. Would this work, or will she plan B him so I loose anyway, or maybe she won't even care (she knew he was married from the start).

I just think since he is living with her, she thinks he is hers now and this might just throw a wrench into their little love nest. Or, it can backfire, and H will stop seeing me.

I don't think I can go to plan B myself until I at least try this. H does not like to make decisions or choices unless he is forced or threatened to. I asked him once that if I hadn't discovered A and confronted him, would our marriage have continued as it had been and he said yes. Therefore, he wouldn't have left if I hadn't confronted him.

I just wonder if history would repeat itself if he finds himself in the same situation with her, her accusing him this time.

Any advice would be welcome. I am desperate to get him back!! I just can't imagine my life without him! Thanks all!

By all means, let the OW find out, but don't leave any trail that leads to you....

Maybe your girlfriend can even take a picture of him leaving your house to ensure her credibility? If the OW found out, she would either kick him out or she would love bust so much that she would push him back to you. Outside of that, he probably has no reason to change. Why would he, when he has 2 women at his beck and call? Sort of like a harem.

I would not recommend that you contact the OW. It would break two important MB Principles: Policy of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty. Plus, it will probably be a big LB.

In my counseling with Steve H., I learned that during PLAN A you and WS are to be working on a plan together, negotiating with each other on how to break off contact with the OP. This is supposed to be a team effort during which you and your WS talk honestly. I have just gotten to this point with my WS after several weeks.

Plus, don't give the OW the benefit of feeling that she is important or relevant to you. She is nothing! This is between you and your HUSBAND. Don't think of yourself as the OW. You are his WIFE. Nothing but a divorce would change that. Hold on to your marriage to the very last minute if it is as important to you as it sounds.

I know this is different than what other people are saying. JMHO

I will be keeping check on you. Hang in there!

<small>[ February 15, 2003, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I also would definatly find a way to clue OW in to YOUR H continued contact with you, she will then be the one to be doing the love-busting with him. Just make sure he does not connect you to this.
You can fess up after he is home and you HAVE a POJA. Take care, and good luck. Remember to smile even if it's through gritted teeth! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 16, 2003, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: cherise ]</small>

Thank you all for your answers.

Mimi, I would not be the one to contact OW, it would be through an anonamous call. H and I have not talked about his giving up OW, he does not want to. He is happy living there and goes to great length to protect her from finding out about our involvement.

He will say "I know I need to work this out", but he does nothing to try. I have stopped asking him to come home. When I do, he says I don't think I can do that. I have asked him to spend the night here and he won't as well as go away for a weekend to try to get away from everything and he won't consider that either.

I now am just trying to be the "loving wife" and not making any demands. I will say things like "I hate it when you leave here" and he just says "I know". He has been living with OW 2 months now, ever since the day I found out and he left. There was never any attempt at reconcilliation by him, when I confronted him about A, he packed up and left. He was just waiting for an excuse to leave.

He admits that if I hadn't found out, he wouldn't have left. That is his comfort zone now with her. He won't leave there until something shakes him up.

I plan all kinds of speeches about A, but when I am with him in person, I can't bring myself to say the things I want. I still don't even understand his attraction to her or what she gives him.

I know I am obscessing about all of this, it is all I think about night and day. I can't get it into my head that he is no longer my husband, at least that is his take on it, and I can't help feeling this is a bad dream that is going to end. Sometimes I even feel like there is no A, he just isn't here.

I don't want to give up hope, and MIMI, your story makes me maintain hope, but I don't know if I an foolish for keeping hope alive.

Thanks again for all of your support, it is greatly appreciated!

Errn:

I am still struggling with all of this myself although things are looking very hopeful for me.
So I can only share with you what I have learned in my experience. I don't know if it will be true for you.

My WS immediately began to treat me better when I got tougher and demanded respect. I used the TOUGH LOVE approach recommended by Dobson. I used quotes from that book when talking to my WS while I was hurting inside. Dobson basically recommends giving the WS a sense of freedom. He calls this "opening the trap door". It would mean that you would tell your WS that you want him to stay with the OW until he wants you. You would say that he has to make a choice between you and her. It would mean that, if he chooses to continue to stay with her, he can no longer see you. There's a good chance that this will make him decide to come home although he might not do so right away. It doesn't have to be PLAN B, meaning no contact with you. Just begin having conversations with him about this in a firm but loving way. I practiced what I was going to say. It must make us more appealing. I really get a positive reaction from my WS when I make the statement: "I want you to want me". It must make him feel that he has a choice and I'm not trying to control him. Dobson also says "No begging or pleading" or crying. I have made a point of not doing these things as well. My WS even told me today to please leave "positive" sounding voice mail messages for him.

My WS also would not take me out when I asked. He is doing that now. I believe that when I began to feel better about myself and portrayed that, I became more attractive to him. He knew that he can no longer take me for granted, that I won't be sitting at home waiting for him, that I just might get on with my life. Really, I'm like you ERRN, I really don't want to do that. I can't imagine a life without him. However, I knew the approach that I was using was not working. That has been my PLAN A, to work on being more independent and not allowing anyone to disrespect me. Also, of course, I have worked on no LBing.

Even if you used the anonymous approach to telling the OW about your contact with your husband, wouldn't your husband know it came from you. Would he think that anybody else knows that he is coming home? To me it seems better if you deal honestly with him and not use deceptive tactics. That's what WSes do to us. JMHO

Keep in mind that he is your HUSBAND and you are not the OTHER WOMAN, she is. Even though he is acting like an alien as they say here, his time with you really is legitimate and healthy.

It won't work, the ow will believe their lies no matter what. I am sick of telling the truth, and them my H tells me if I do he will never speak or see me again. He always ends of calling the next day and then stupid me gives into him and I will see him, because I can't say goodbye and it kills me when he is with me and then goes home to her.

Why should a WS who is living with OW and seeing BS on the side give it up? He's getting the best of both worlds,,and as difficult as it may be, I would look him square in the face and tell him that you dont WANT him for just 8 hours, you WANT him for a lifetime, and you REFUSE to share him with OW,,,I mean REALLY,,,do you WANT to feel like you're SECOND?? haven't we felt that way long enough?? No way,,,,I'd plan B him and tell him you will take him back cheerfully and lovingly when OW is gone,,until then, he can have his needs met by HER. IMHO, anything less is going to cause him to start feeling like he did BEFORE the A came to light,,,,,Holly

He definitely has the best of both worlds going on now. If you can stomach plan B that's what I would do. It may push him to her for a while but your other choice is to keep up like this. You don't deserve to be treated this way. He could also dump her and come back to you in time. He thinks you won't do that so he hasn't had to think about it. If things were so great between him and the OW he wouldn't want you to hang around anyway would he? The fact that he does should tell you something. Just mvho.

errn:

Your H has no incentive to break it off. He's having his cake and eating it, too -- if anything, your Plan A as it stands makes you easier to deal with, as you are facilitating the affair by continuing with Plan A in this fashion. Any contact he has with OW impedes recovery.

If you haven't actually read Surviving and Affair, please do. It explains your H's behavior and provides you more understanding -- making you more understanding, in general. A's are not really all that unique, and the A dynamic is so prevalent. You may find the first story kind of eerie, as it explains just how easy it is for anyone to have an A.

Actually, it may be time to implement Plan B. Once you're not in the picture, it gives your H and the OW a chance for their affair to self-destruct. Your H is getting half of his needs filled with you -- like stability -- but likely having sexual fulfillment with her. Plan B forces her to either fulfill all his needs, since you've stopped fulfilling your half, and that may pop the bubble of their affair.

Once their relationship becomes exclusive, it gives the OW the very real chance to not filling all of his needs, and the A will likely end. Once OW is out of the picture, your chances at recovery and reconciliation improve dramatically.

It's critical that we MBers actually read the books, aside from merely participating in the forum. While the support is critical, as is the need to vent, not understanding the whole philosophy actually creates more stress on the BS, who may be operating on a false set of assumptions, provided by good intentioned MBers who share their experiences, but do not have expertise that the Harleys possess.

Good luck and God Bless!

IMHO, now is NOT the correct time to contact the OW. The chance of it ricoheting is great.

Work on strengthening your character. You need to get yourself to the point where you can tell your H that his cakewalk is over. You will not play 2nd fiddle to OW or anyone else. If he wants to sneak around, let him do it with someone else on the OW.... not you. You have too much respect for yourself to be treated in such a demeaning manner.

There was a thread here a couple of years ago about a cake man.... that sounds like what your H is doing. Mine told me almost the same thing and when he did, I told him to leave and that he now needed to let the OW meet ALL his needs..... well that OW sure didn't want that.

Enabling the A is NOT something the BS should be doing.

L.

Thank you all for all of your support and advice! I may need more support real soon, as I am going to post an update now. Please read and comment. If all fails, I will need all the help I can get! Thanks Again!