I'm still here. I posted a while back to you and it's lost in the shuffle of things! Things have taken somewhat of a turn for the worse, but I'm still hanging on. We had a fairly good talk last night. He's still confused and afraid that we'll go back into our old patterns if we move back in. He has done some things that have surprised me. For instance, I felt for sure that once he got our tax return back and deposited into his account he would file for divorce. That didn't happen. Instead, he came over and we sat down and paid off a bunch of bills and then split the rest which gave us each about $500. Doesn't go far when I was behind on my own bills and have three kids living with me, but it helped get me caught up and got the kids some new shoes!!
I'm still attending counselling and working on my own issues the best that I can. The set backs are what is the hardest. That and not knowing what he really wants, especially when it seems he's so torn.
He told me last night he comes to our home and then he doesn't want to leave and then he basically "kicks" himself and says, "Well you dummy, you're the one who left and wanted out." and he gets upset with himself and that it probably comes across as him being mad at me, but he's not. He's just frustrated with himself and torn. I asked him why he left if he wanted to stay and he said that he felt it wasn't fair to me since he didn't know for sure what he wanted to do.
So, we're still at a stand still. I had been doing everything in Plan A wrong. I'd been calling him and everything, but I've decided I've had enough of living my life this way. I've gotten into a deep depression and my meds don't always seem to work like they should and I'm nearly ready to throw in the towel. I told him this and then told him I wondered if we just shouldn't contact each other for a while. He about flipped out on me!
So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I plan to try to follow a good Plan A again and let him make all the moves.
He's doing the dance of intimacy so well now, but I'm almost ready to leave him alone on the dance floor. I'm just very tired!!
