My ws seems hesitant to follow plan of recovery and thinks I should just get over it. he says my self esteem has been damaged and he is sorry, he never meant to hurt me.

I am not doing any cheers for these comments. In fact I am angry that he doesn't try to understand my point of view more.

He is still stuck on his idea that our marriage was doomed and that is why he did what he did, ie, the A.

I hate all this.

I emailed him something today from another thread about the time and the rebuilding of trust issues, I think it was the thread about WS finally gets it.

I do have signs he is getting it.. but he has big issues stating I feel like a CIA agent to him.. wanting to know too much. I feel like I need to know more to rebuild trust- he wants space, NORMAL?

Please advise.

ps, He was not thrilled I sent him the thread that I did. He seems to want me to forget everything he did- he is working some on his part, but not enough IMHO, and just work on pleasing him for us to reconcile.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Honey,
Here is something you might want to try..it's a little unorthodox and you have to sort of control yourself big time...but if you think you can..it might work..it did for me.

Instead of battling over all the trust issues and MB points, I decided we try things HIS way. I wouldn't do the CIA thing..instead, I really concentrated on meeting his needs, having plenty of recreational time together, NOT talking about the A and concentrating on building a better relationship....and I told him this was my goal...would he go along? He accepted enthusiastically.

I think the reason this worked for us is that it got him off the "hotseat" I kept him on..always on the defensive...and it got me away from the role of recovery warden.

Now, it WAS very hard to maintain my cool some days...especially when I was down. I would explain this to him in a non LB way..."I'm having a down time because of the past, but I realize our future is looking better. This isn't a rag on you time, just sorting out my own feelings." He was much more receptive to me as I didn't point finger at him for everything..simply accepted that I had some bad days.

What this did after a couple of months (this is NOT a quick fix) was rebuild his trust in me..and then, realizing I was consistant and NOT going to flame him, we were able to start beeter communication about the past. But until he feels safe in the relationship, he is NOT going to let his guard down.

So, what do you think? Make sense?
T

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do have signs he is getting it.. but he has big issues stating I feel like a CIA agent to him.. wanting to know too much. I feel like I need to know more to rebuild trust- he wants space, NORMAL? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really normal for someone who wants to think this is an actual reason:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is still stuck on his idea that our marriage was doomed and that is why he did what he did, ie, the A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The thing is, you don't want to be a CIA agent anymore than he wants to be one.

You are certain you want a reconciliation, so, trying Twyla's idea is definitely worth a try.

Focusing on him makes him uncomfortable, so don't focus. Cheating, drinking are both things he can choose or not choose (disregarding for the moment the aspects of addiction). If he chooses to cheat, any spying you do will not change that he can cheat. And he can hide it, lie about it whether you are checking or not.

Sometimes holding someone accountable works very well, sometimes letting go of the control of "watching" also works because then he doesn't have to rebel or prove anything, all he has to do is make his decisions... and live with the consequences if his choices aren't good ones.

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

Thanks Twyla and Lor,

You both have wonderful, well thought out advice. I appreciate your time posting to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !

Today I have been stressed. V day was good but bittersweet near the end, we had a small disagreement about when to leave the christian entertainment... comedian... he was joking about good family values, but trying to drive a point home... ws got uncomfortable and was grouchy since he gets up early nowadays, back in the workforce...

Later in the weekend... during some time without kids...we had more conflict over a card in his floorboard unopened... turned out to be from the barber... but I opened without permission , a cup of all things that ow had left with him... he agrees to shoot it when out shooting practice or something like that... and I think something else I can't remember... but bottom line is he sees me as insecure over my needing to know, and have more answers and he feels like I am 'spying'.

Anyway, I appreciate so much your responses.... !!! It helps to hear that dropping it can help Twyla.... and your support means the world to me Lor.

I don't want to be cia agent, precisely what the counselor said! WOW Lor, do you charge? I don't, I just need more info to feel better... and perhaps I am overly insecure lately... over him....

Anyway, we do have good times, more and more lately, and he even told me, did I mention... that he think s he lost his wedding ring... sad new last nite...

But as my eyes teared a bit, too much lately.... he said I better stop or his would too. He sd he hates to see me sad. He thinks the maid may have taken his ring which I always saw out in his room on a table... he even put it on a few times during this seperation... but I guess a new ring can be ok.... If maid didn't take it, he may have lost it in his move? He says he is going to look , but thinks she trashed it or took it... I seem to believe this line of logic- heartbreaking and sick though she might be... but that ring might even have some sadness, as he did not keep his committment, a new one could be a new sign. He actually sd he wants to get me a new ring if we can work this out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I wouldn't mind that.

Thanks for the advice, I do need to enjoy him. He has taken with the counselor's help, to telling me, that WHAT MATTERS>>> IS... I am here with you NOW. That does help.

BTW- I am trying wellubrin to help with too much teary eyeness and stress, sp? and also botrin for weight loss. I just lost 3 lbs on atkins when I weighed tonite!

Ps- I get to travel to N. Orleans on business next week, and then go skiing at Steamboat the following weekend with some girlfriends... ! Yes, I can have a life with or without him!

Hugs and Thanks,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Honey

<small>[ February 18, 2003, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>