I'm ticked tonight. And my left eye is twitching b/c of it (see Honey's thread... grin).

For those of you who don't know, I was in an abusive M, and felt the need to leave in a hurry. I ended up packing up the 3 boys (all 3 and under!), and went to an abused women's shelter. We were there for 1 1/2 months, until our housing came through. I learned a LOT from that experience, and needless to say, the ignorance of some people on the issue gets my goat! humph!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Here's what happened:

I was at a nearby grocery store to buy juice and a few other items (my dad was at my house watching the boys). I was bagging my things, when I overhead the cashier in the next lane, sharing a "joke" with a male friend of hers (she was my age, in her mid 30's btw).

"What do most abused women have in common?" she asked her friend. The answer? "They just didn't listen". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I was OUTRAGED!!! (to say the least).

Needless to say, this triggerred me BIGTIME! It's attitudes like THAT, that make a joke of such serious issues, that desensitizes society of the situation!

I did great... and used my MB concepts well. I said to the cashier, "I'm sorry, but I am really offended by your 'joke'. I am speaking as someone who has just recently been living in a women's shelter because I needed to get out of an abusive relationship."

She then said to me, "I'm sorry ma'am, but I didn't mean to offend. But you also shouldn't have been listening."

Okay... she has a SMALL point on that one... but SHE is the one WORKING in PUBLIC. SHE should bloody well watch her mouth! AUGH!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I packed my groceries, and then walked to another til, and asked that cashier to please get me the manager or owner of the store. Apparently neither were in, so she called an assistant mgr for me. I told him exactly what had happened. The look on his face read "apphauled", just as I was. He said he would be talking to the cashier about it.

I offerred to leave him with my name, number, anything he wanted. (I personally dislike anonymity for non life-threatening situations). But he said it wasn't necessary.

As I was leaving the store, I had to walk by the cashier again. I looked at her and smiled (although gritting my teeth), and said, "Have a nice day!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She sarcastically answered, "You too. And by the way, I already called upstairs to let them know of the situation before you talked to the asst. mgr".

I then looked at her, literally gave her a "thumbs up" (although I was VERY tempted to give her the "finger" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), and said, "Great!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was still shaking for HOURS after returning home.

I just couldn't believe the audacity (and complete stupidity to be more precise) of such ignorant "jokes" in public!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Please... tell me I wasn't over reacting? I'm not regretting my actions, and I believe I responded in a MB-like way too... but being so emotionally involved in the subject, I'm here to look for as much validation as I can.

Thanks for "listening" to my vent. I'm already feeling a bit better.

Karen

Topie---I understand how you feel. I have lived with alcoholics all my life and the lighthearted jokes and lack of concern for drinking used to infuriate me also. My suffering was so deep that I couldn't image anything funny about alcohol. Beer commercials are still irritating to me. But I learned to accept others for what they are.....sometimes senseless and ignorant. I have choices though...leave the scene, don't go places that infuriate and offend, see people for what they are, say what I feel and move on etc. You will never get those people to stop their crude, ignorant jokes. But you can choose to let go of the power thier joking has over you. It is hard to do but it can be done. You will be healthier for it.

TW

Thanks TW. This is the very first time something so blatant regarding abuse (domestic violence) has happened right in front of me (aside from during my time at the shelters of course). I didn't anticipate it as a trigger... because it didn't even cross my mind! Oh, how I want to let it go!! But I haven't been able to do it yet. Heck! I can't "let it go" as far as much of the A stuff with OW#1 and my H goes (she was a friend of mine)... and that was 2 yrs ago! OH! The wasted energy. Tell me... what's the key thing that works for you? I used to just think of something else... anything else... but it doesn't work the same for me. It doesn't seem to be addressing the deeper problems.

btw... I was doing some re-reading in the "Self Matters" book, and the fact that so many of my 10 defining moments are negative, doesn't really matter. I was focusing on that, and getting distraught by it. What matters is what I LEARNED from those experiences... and there are many positive things too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Topie,

You did good and with a great deal of class!!!! Way to go!!! You are so awesome when educating people!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You did good! Those who have never faced abuse, betrayals, all these horrible experiences...do find ways to "joke" about this very real human tragedy. I think it's a form of self-lie, that it can never happen to them or anyone they know.

Having someone point out that their "joke" may well in fact be someone else's real pain is a great teaching tool. And you were very nice about pointing it out.

And when something that once was "jokingly funny" happens to them or someone they love...they finally truly understand how very "unfunny" the subject truly is.

absolutely unbelievable,,,,yessssssssss you did the right thing,,,in fact, you gave her a chance to be gracious about it BEFORE you went to the Ast. Manager. She blew it. She is working with the public, IN PUBLIC,,,it could HARDLY be described as a private conversation,,,and i seriously doubt that you crawled on your hands and knees to 6 inches from her and eavesdropped (cute image, though, lol). sounds like written warning time to me,,,and you supported ALL women there,,,NO WOMAN'S INABILITY TO PROTECT HERSELF SHOULD BE THE BRUNT OF A JOKE,,,,,Holly

Topie,

I am up a bit late for me, had too much to do and too little time to do it... life as a single mom. Also stressed....

My left eye is twitching still.

I am saddened by the reconciliation attempts and that I am still not getting what I need. But... there is some progress...

Now to your Domestic Abuse issue.. yes, there are many who DO not EVEN begin to know.

I think I know some b/c there have been abusive aspects in my marriage and my past marriage, and there still are.. there also were in my foo, but not terribly bad, yet still there...

I am such a women's lib, feminist type... but never rreally wanted to be.. but women truly are mistreated as a whole today and in society.... so much more than people that don't experience it... ever fathom. Have you ever seen the movie Valerie Flake? I don't know if it/she is appropriate here.. but I have recently seen the movie a few times and it really makes me feel old familiar anger at men... Sad, but I can relate to Flake... she finds it hard to trust after being abused, even when she herself did some of the abusing... I can really relate.

I am appalled at what I have experienced as an adult educated woman who is also a mother of 2. 2 marriages so far, and that men seem to so much disrespect women.... Maybe I take it too far? Maybe not? Tonite I am angry at ws for a few comments, I find offesnive and ungentlemen like... abusive? questionable, but definitely not the suppossed gentleman I married, and he may not be someone I can live with or take back unfortunately....

Anyway, I do apologize for the ramble .. I am tired.

I just wanted you to know I read and I agree with you. Those clerks certainly did not know the pain they joked about? Maybe they just heard the joke somewhere and were simply bored and passing it on? I don't know, but it is still a harmful 'joke'- my bet it started with a man... who disrespects women, and here women were telling it, am I right? Unbenownst to their own detriment.

We women have to stand for one another. Just like different groups of any sort do, who are discriminated against.

Sad that we as the nurturers of society are mistreated by those who are suppossed to protect and love and cherish us.... SOmehow I do think men are threatened by our 'power' as women- to give birth, and for their 'need' for us...

Ramble ramble.

I hate that I have not found the respect and love I feel I deserve, the same for you Topie. I somehow think we will. I truly , as Much as I do love my wh, can't take him back without more love than I ever had before... is he even capable?

I am sorry your marriage had to end and that your h could not treat you as you deserve ... but glad you could recognize it and are on the road to stronger and stronger recovery. I admire your strength and bravery.

Shelters are not easy places, I was in one once, shorter term than you, but it was scary and not like home....

I applaud you for speaking out on this disrespectful talk you overheard... the store should certainly be aware... btw.... you could even make this a public thing... I bet the store would hate that?

How would the women's center feel?

I know you did the right thing to correct them, and I know they will reflect, or at least hope they will on their mistake... and disrespect for women.

Take care of you and your kids! Keep growing strong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hugs, Honey

Thank you all, for the much needed validation.

I had a restless night, but at least my eye isn't twitching this morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The kids are all sick with a cold (I hope it's the last of the season for them... poor guys!), and would wake me up with either coughing or moaning, or whatever other "I'm sick" sounds.

Each time I awoke, all I could think about was yesterdays insult. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And the one thing that sticks out most, the only thing that I regret not saying (but then again, I didn't think of it until after), was to suggest to her to change her joke slightly, and to see just how funny she still thought it was. So, instead of using "abused women", say "3 yr old child who gets the crap beaten out of them", or "black slave", or "puppy", etc.

I don't think I want to take it any further than I already did... so calling the paper or radio station is a waste of energy (to me). I will be bringing it up at my "abused women's centre" meeting on March 4th though. They'll definitely understand, and perhaps they will choose to say something more. I don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hopefully I'll get the chance to have a nap this afternoon when the twins are down. I'm really tired out. sigh!

Thanks again everyone... I knew that posting on here would bring me some of the reassurance that I needed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

It doesn't seem to be addressing the deeper problems

I do believe when we react so hurtfully to something it is a trigger of something deeper. I have worked on trying to respond and not react to stupid things. You definitely responded on the outside but inside you reacting. Letting go is definitely a process. As you work out and through each trigger, you will discover that the next time will be easier and easier to let things go. I like what you say about some things being wasted energy. It is your energy and wow, with all those boys, you don't have much spare energy to lose.

I am still reflecting on the defining moments but I have bunched everything together; defining moments, pivotal people and critical choices. They seem to be the same for me. I have gained so much strength from this book. The biggest thing for me is on pages 46-50. Knowing that 1,13,14, 19,23,28 and 31 are descriptions of how I feel has brought me some freedom.

Thanks again for suggesting Dr Phil. I am taping his Wed and Thurs show so that should be a real kicker. Talk about triggers....EGADS

TW