<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> How do you stick to not calling your H when for the 2 months he moved in with his gf that you still saw him on a regular basis? Then all of a sudden, because I tell her that he is with me too he won't talk to me or call me anymore. How do you stay strong to not give in no matter what? It is so hard, especially this morning when he called the kids. It hurts so bad knowing that he called from bed with her next to him. I am hurting so bad and I don't think I am ever going to make it through all this. I know I am a better person than his gf or him even though I have made mistakes in the past, but then he says everyone hates me. How do I function without my H around. How do others cope with the lose knowing that your marriage is defintly over? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Goldie,

You do it one minute at a time. You use your reason and logic and tell yourself that calling him will only cause further damage and push him away more. You have no control over this situation and chasing him will only make it WORSE. It has not worked in the past and it won't in the future. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is pure insanity. It won't work. Time to try something new, Goldie, and focus on taking care of Goldie.

Its not easy, Goldie, to live with heartbreak, but every day it gets a little easier and it does not last forever.

But do other couples ever get back together when you do this, especially when they are living with the OW? Do they ever miss what they had even with the mistakes I have made in the past?

Hi Goldie:

My WS did not move in with the OW but he spent a lot of time with her for many months. Now it looks like we MIGHT reconcile and go into recovery. I can only share with you what I did.

Basically, I strategized, using my reason and logic like Mel says. Listen to Mel! She was one of my coaches that kept me on track. Try to figure out what NEEDS the other woman is meeting for your WS. Then begin to work on what YOU can do to meet them. If you begin to meet most of his NEEDS,he will fall in love with you again. At first, I didn't believe this about MB but I know its true. In the meantime, you are working on yourself, focusing on yourself and getting stronger. I had to tell myself that I could only control myself not him or the OW. I continue to tell myself that. I still have that urge to call like you do but I hold myself back, remembering that I am more attractive to my WS when I am not begging and pleading. You see I learned what he needed from me. He likes for me to be strong and self-confident. Often I act AS IF I am feeling confident when inside I am really not. Acting AS IF is good for me because I really do need to continue to build my confidence.

Also its helpful to remember in this process that the OW does not know about MB so she may be LBing while you are doing your PLAN.

On to you. Your husband will be coming around you to see the kids. This is when you do whatever you figure out you need to do. Steve H. told me to think about what you did to attract your WS when you first fell in love. Focus on your BEHAVIORS that you want to change.

Even when he calls the kids you can PLAN A. Ask him how he is doing? Don't worry about whether he is laid up with her. He might not be. She is not better than you. She is a sleaze. You are his wife!!!!

Don't think your marriage is over yet. I told myself that I was going to hang on until the very end.

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>