[ Update - see last page. Contact continues. ]
Here's the story:

There is a young man - college student who lives with us. He's a relative of ours and not our son.

Recently, a pleasant-sounding young lady started calling the house. This started happening shortly after he was missing all night a couple of times - said he was staying with a classmate. I knew he didn't have a girlfriend, and I had reason to believe that he really was staying at a friends place - just because he knew he couldn't get away with drinking or smoking pot at home.

Anyway, this girl started calling - probably 4 times in two days. I did a little snooping - have her name and address, college major etc.

She sounded nice. Called when he was out - said he could call back before 10 if he got home. I thought "nice girl, goes to bed early". But... now I find out she is married. That puts a new twist on it. Maybe her H was coming home at 10.

Our young man (when questioned about it), said that it is his friends wife and she's in his class and enjoys "talking to" him because he listens to her. Says her H cheats on her etc. etc. He claims they "haven't done anything yet", but that the have feelings for each other.

I told him: "I doesn't matter what her story his. It doesn't matter if she's telling the truth. There is nothing in this but pain for a lot of people." He told me "It's no worry. I promised myself not to get married until I'm 25." I told him that there was a lot more to it than that. He says he'll break off the relationship.

If he doesn't break it off, what do you recommend?

I am his only source of financial support and, since he is on a student visa, he doesn't have the right to work, so I could threaten to cut him off.

I don't want to in any way support him in this. I care about him and want him to succeed in life, but I don't know what I can do for him.

Thanks,
ConcernedOne

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: ConcernedOne ]</small>

... and a shameless bump... (so impatient, I am)

Send him here. Let him see real life pain and then ask if he wants to contribute to the demise of the family unit.

He is being setup to be an OM. Her H will not know he is an experienced OM and maybe manipulated by his Ws. The H may just want to haul off and defend his wife. Let him know that for some guys this may include physical violence of which they may be willing to suffer the consquences. Is your nephew willing to suffer and receive those consquences?

L.

Orchid,

It seemed as if nobody would ever reply. Probably this was a stupid question to ask or the wrong place to ask it. But thaks for replying.

I don't think he would have the stomach for reading the posts here - nor would he understand the pain involved.

I think he will back out of it on his own. I'm afraid that if I force the issue, his pride will lead him to resist, so I'll give him a week or so to make a clean break. I'm not much of an authoritarian.

I will offer to let him drop the class - for which I paid - if that's what it takes to get away from her.

Maybe you are right. I may send him here later, but I can't imagine him being able to read much of this.

Not a stupid question.

I think if you forced the issue, it is possible, he might resist. It might be better show your disproval, but not push it. Let him know how wrong it is and that it will cause alot of pain, and in most cases, it is the OP that is left behind while the married couple trys to recover. Does he want to set himself up for that kind of heartache.

Hi CO,

Well we have had many of all different ages come here. I think the youngest was about 9 or 12. The thoughts of that one was wow...... insightful is an understatment.

IMHO, it is better not to resolve his problems for him rather guide him so he knows what it takes to do what is right. The lesson sticks with them longer.

I don't think this was the wrong place just a different subject and many here are pretty much stuck on OP/WS/BS and As. Not all see how this affects others.

Keep posting and please be patient with us.....we don't get paid by the hour for our thoughts!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If we did, I'd be rich!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L

Hi CO,

I admire you for taking a stand on this. If I were in your position, I would take a stand and refuse to play host to an affair. And that is exactly what you would be doing if you stood by silently and enabled this little affair. It sounds like he needs some firm guidance along with some even firmer guidelines if he is going to live in your house. I hope you lay the law down and tell him you won't support him while he is soliciting an illicit affair.

One if my favorite sayings is "Evil thrives when good men stand silent." Please don't be silent.

You said your wife has an affair with a student and you have a college student (relative) who is living with you now and you have to deal with this mess and triggers? Have you thought maybe for your own personal health that maybe it should be just you and your wife living together and trying to understand how to get your marriage stronger. Was your wife remorseful? How does she feel about this college student having an affair?
Does it bring triggers to her also? Does she understand the pain you go through hearing about this? I wish you luck but it seems to me you don't need anymore stress in your life.

I'd call this woman and tell her that if she wants to continue being this young man's friend, that you will inform her H of this "friendship". You have discussed this with him, you know it is not only a school mates frienship and you will in no way remain silent if it continues. JMHO

And if he doesn't like it...then maybe he needs to decide if he wants to get an education IN college, or a "degree" in the heartache and pain of infidelity when she and him gets busted for an affair by her H.

All,

Thank you for your comments.
I appreciate the time you have taken.

There have been "developments".

I found that right after his evening class yesterday, he called her and spent a few hours with her - the day after I told him he needed to run away.

My impression is that it is now PA - and to make matters worse, he had borrowed one of my cars (his is, well, not very appealing). There is long blond hair in the seat.

When he came home, I saw him sitting in the car doing something for 10 minutes or more - probably cleaning up - then he came in and left immediately - not knowing that I saw him. I thought he just came to get money or something and would be gone until morning. I was... I think the word is "furious"... so I called the girl's cell and she answered - sounding a little embarrassed. I asked for him. She recognized my voice because I had answered the phone when she called several times in the last week. She called me "sir" - said he left a half-hour ago. I told her "If you see him, tell him his uncle called." He returned home shortly therafter - having gone to buy something to eat. Maybe she was with him, but I thing more likely she wasn't, but that he just left before her H got home.

My wife told me that he came in and put his clothes in the laundry. She suspected that they were "stained".

I couldn't sleep, so I was walking around the house at 2am - decided that he was going to lose the internet, disconnected it. He (having lost the internet) came downstairs. He know he was in trouble. I told him. "There are going to be some changes". He replied "yeah, everything has to change." I just walked away - not wanting to get into a loud exchange with him - 'cause I didnt' want to wake up the whole house at 2 or 3am and I knew I couldn't talk to him calmly.

So, now I'm thinking that I'm going to either going to kick him out as soon as I can buy a reasonably priced plane ticket - or even better get his Dad (who is rather strapped - and of whom he is very afraid) to buy it - and since he is an international student, that means kicking him out of the country - probably changing the entire course of his life.

OR... Lock him down (he's 20 and is used to freedom, so this is kinda weird) and send him home for the summer at the end of the semester - telling him that I will decide in August if he is coming back.

In the latter case
- I will shut off the Internet.
- he will never use my car again,
- I won't be giving him any pocket money,
- he will drop the class that she is in.
- I will call her Mom (don't know if her H is violent type).

That's my thinking for now.

Thanks again to all who commented.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Melody Lane wrote
<strong>If I were in your position, I would take a stand and refuse to play host to an affair. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree completely. Believe me, I will not stand by silently.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bryanp wrote
<strong> Have you thought maybe for your own personal health that maybe it should be just you and your wife living together? How does she feel about this college student having an affair?
Does she understand the pain you go through hearing about this? I wish you luck but it seems to me you don't need anymore stress in your life</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bryan, My W supports me, but it is her nephew and she cares about him (as do I). If I cut him off, it will have major impact on his future - meaning he will return to another country, will not finish college etc. No, I don't need this stress. Now, I feel that I can't trust him - but to be fair, he's the one who told me (not directly) that she's married. I feel that if I crack down on him he will just sneek around more. I don't have the time, energy or inclination to follow him around and monitor him. The easiest thing to do is send him away - but that may not be the best thing to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just a wifey sed
<strong>I'd call this woman and tell her that if she wants to continue being this young man's friend, that you will inform her H of this "friendship". You have discussed this with him, you know it is not only a school mates frienship and you will in no way remain silent if it continues. JMHO</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree completely.

C1

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: ConcernedOne ]</small>

Seems like you're on the right track. One comment though. It seems like you have so much leverage from so many avenues on your side that forcing a break is not only simple but easy. (Compared to 95% of other A situations).

Update:

What a mess!

Well, I called the girl's H and told him "Your W is spending a lot of time with <our-young-man>". He asked "are they together now?". I said "I don't know, but they were last night". This was maybe 5:30pm.

At maybe 8pm, she called - wanted to talk to <our-young-man>. I said "sorry, I won't let you do that." She talked to me for a couple of hours - telling me her whole sob story. I told her over and over again. "Deal with one thing at a time. Figure out your marriage before you start looking for somebody else."

I told her she needed to find some ladies to talk to about her marriage problems - not a man. She had lots of excuses...

It went on and on. She told me that her marriage was a mistake - that she "moved too fast". I asked her "how long have you known <our-young-man>?" She replied "a month". I was astonished! "So, after one month, you are willing to throw away your marriage and you tell me that you will love <our-young-man> forever and your 'feelings will never go away'?" Amazing. I never imagined it was so bad.

She listened to me, thanked me for talking to her - finally, I said I had to go. OYM was surprised that she talked to me so long - after all, he was feeling pretty special that she would share her problems with him.

Ok, so at 4:30am, she called again - wanted to talk to OYM. I refused to let her - got tired of listening to her madness - was a little short with her. She hung up on me.

She called again at 5am. I told her that we've got kids sleeping and we don't need the phone ringing in the middle of the night. She sounded like a completely different person that the girl who called a few days before. She ranted and raved for awile about the "deep spiritual connection". Finally, I just told her OYM doesn't want you. As far as he's concerned your (and these, by the way were his words) "a great body" - that's all - and he doesn't care what's between your ears - and doesn't know anything about any "deep spiritual connection". She hung up on me again - saying something like "You know where I want to go? I want to go out of this world." I called her H (she had given me the number where he could be reached - he hadn't come home). I told him "I think your W is suicidal, you better take care of her." He ssid "she always says stuff like that, but I'll talk to her - I think that's her ringing the other line".

Today, the girls H sent a message to OYM about "hospitalizing him". We'll see what happens. OYM is afraid to go to the university.

From time to time, I get blamed. But, I think I just saved him a lot of pain and agony.

I hope there is no significant violence.

C1

I commend you and your wife. Your part in all this was a job well done. Hopefully with your guidance, and the threats from girls H, have taught him a great lifelong lesson.

Having said that, I don't think you have heard the end of this. You must still be very watchful. Just the fact that her husband called and made threats should give you pause.

I suggest being on the lookout for continued contact. If any is found, have him on the first plane home. Do this for his safety as much as for the moral aspect.

I wish your family the best.

jd

jdmac1,

Thanks for your support.

Update :

We have gone through the cycle of anger, sadness, anger again etc.

OYM's father and mother and grandparents know all about it. His father gives me his full support.

I wrote up a set of conditions and OYM signed them - amongst which was the condition of no-contact. I sent a copy to his father.

My W goes back and forth between saying that she is proud of me and saying that I seem to be enjoying my power too much. Perhaps she is right.

Now, I just want things to settle down. I want to be able to sit at the dinner table in some state other than stony silence. It will come.

I am checking up on him, and I don't know whether I hope to catch him (so I can get rid of him) or fear it.

In any case, he seems to understand that he must focus on his studies. Beyond that, I don't think he quite understands what the big deal is about.

Thanks again to all for your suggestions and support.

I think I may talk to the girl's H again and tell him that if he catches them communicating he should let me know and I will put a stop to it.

What do you think about that idea?

-C1

update ...

I lowered the boom on OYM - gave him a contract to sign - with both academic and moral/legal requirements - which he, indeed signed.

He's gotta stay away from his friends wife and he's gotta make the grades or I'm kicking him out.

OK, so we were a couple of days into adjusting to that - and my wife was feeling sorry for him - because he's her nephew and she always cared about him and he really is suffering right now (which he deserves) from everybody (us, parents, grandparents) knowing about it - and suffering the loss of opportunity to use this girl.

C1

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: ConcernedOne ]</small>

Let her simmer down a bit. Mine used to get real defensive also. I had let him know before hand that these kind of things/triggers would periodically happen and he needed to handle it.

So when it did happen, he was less likely to have a tizzy. Well a few times he did, I would give him his space for a while then approach him with 'can I ask you a question?' quote. It got to be that when I would say that, he said it made him scared. Good, I needed that. NOt anger but being a bit scared.

We progressed from there.

Hope this helps.

L.

Give me a break. It seems that you have bent over backwards. It was your wife who had a sexual affair with a student that put your health at risk and humiliated and disrespected you. Out of the goodness of your heart you help her nephew stay at your home while he goes to college. He engages in a sexual affair (after you told him not to do this) with a married woman and you have to deal with this. Now your wife who is only a couple of years older than him is being extra nice to him and goes to his room to give him a backrub. Now she is mad at you because it brings back triggers to you and she is mad at you?

She is very very lucky you didn't kick her out the first time. She is being very insensitive to you and your feelings. She must keep her hands to herself and off her cousin. She should be apologizing to you. I would sent the boy back immediately. Look at the hell you have been going through. It is sad that your wife just does not get it. You should not be putting up with all of this crap. The actions of your wife does not sound very remorseful to me. How much humiliation are you supposed to endure? She owes you an apology.
I guarantee you if the roles had been reversed it would have been a different story. What would her reaction be if you had a sexual affair with a female student. You then bring home a female cousin to stay in your home while she goes to college. She gets involved with a married man and is forced to break it off. You feel sorry for her and are extra kind to her. Your wife sees you go to her room and give her a backrub. Your wife confronts you and says it is a trigger for her.
You say you are insulted by her implication and demand an apology from her. Doesn't that sound totally ridiculous? The bottom line is to get rid of the student and for her to start acting like a wife who is truly sorry for cheating on her husband because you have no intention of accepting her insensitive and demeaning behavior to you now or in the future. I wish you luck.

I have to agree with Bryan. I think it is WAY OUT OF LINE for your wife to be giving another man - albeit her nephew - a massage. If my DH gave his 25 yr old niece a back massage, he would be the one apologizing to me, not the other way around. You had a right to be angry and she owes you an apology for being so thoughtless and insensitive. [p.s. her past affair and the triggers are irrelevent, it is just plain inappropriate]

BrianP & MelodyLane,

Thanks for your comments. You got it. That's the way I felt.

We are OK now. I appologized.

C1

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: ConcernedOne ]</small>

UPDATE: Continued contact discovered

Well... things were starting to return to "normal"....

Our Young Man (OYM) came to me a couple of weeks ago and sed "You were right. My feelings were not genuine. Thanks for saving me from a bad situation." It sounded too much like what I wanted to hear... and too good to be true.

Yesterday, I found that they were in contact - looking forward to spending time together during spring break (next week).

I think they went to the movie together the other night. He's been going back to his mysterious hours - coming home 2 hours after class - saying he went to see a movie - even tho he didn't sleep the night before.

So now I have to decide:
a) Wait until end of semester and sent him home.
b) Try to work on him - turn around his personal and academic life.

And in the case of sending him home, there are complications - because he is my W's nephew and it will cause problems with her relationship with her brother and family in general. Safest thing is to plead poverty - and not far from the truth. If I say I can't afford to send him to college anymore, nobody can argue about evidence of his misbehaviour and his family can't blame my W for not supporting him. Why should I spend another $20K on this overgrown baby?

What do you guys think?
Is there hope?

I know for a fact that he doesn't want to marry her or anybody, and is just playing with her because she throws herself at him. It is really hard for a lonely 20-year-old to resist. It seems that she is too blind to see that - or just doesn't care.

Another decision in the short run:
How do I handle this right now? What do you think?

C1

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: ConcernedOne ]</small>