I'm feeling so lost....

I suspected the A in Nov 01 and immediately confronted H. He didn't deny the feelings he had for her (co-worker) although he said it wasn't PA. I started Plan A for the first time. "He loved her, not me...married out of obligation...he didn't think he would be a good father..."

Given the choice between working on the M or leaving for OW, he decided to leave in Jan 02. That's when I think PA began. He lived with friends of ours when I couldn't cope with his constant hot/cold attitude [this was not the man I married!] Plan B lasted for 6 weeks until he showed up at a party which he earlier said he couldn't attend due to a scheduled business trip. He initiated R talk, expressed remorse, missed me and my family, seemed interested in re-connecting.

Well an appointment for MC was never made, days passed. Whether going back to Plan B was the right option at that point I wasn't sure. He's not angry when we talk. If I ask for his help, he follows through. And I don't have any difficulty with LB'ers because he is calm and considerate (except for the whole A thing!!). Back to Plan A, detachment. I read everything on this site, SAA/HN,HN/LB'ers. To keep myself from wallowing in the pain I found new interests, worked out at the gym and started anti-D.

Now, whether he and OW are together is uncertain. He lives 5-10 minutes away from work; goes to IC, no mention of MC or R when we talk. He's stopped in only once to drop something off that I needed, leaving abruptly, tears welling up in his eyes. He has told me that he has a difficult time dealing with the guilt.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks all.

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: linday527 ]</small>

Linday,

This is 2003. Is he living at home? Are you going to any MC?

Maybe you took him back too soon? This is a common problem with us BS. It can often lead to false recoveries.

I don't want to make you feel bad but something is bothering someone...... please tell us more.

Thanks,
L.

Thanks for the response, Orchid. Perhaps too much time *has* passed. Do you think that our M can be saved at this point? H isn't home. He moved into his own apartment 3 months ago.

We went to only one MC session which went miserably. I felt that the only reason he agreed to go was so he could set the scenario up as such to validate his feelings for OW. He completely "forgot" our personal history, said his feelings for OW were so strong, our M didn't matter. From that point on I felt that all I could do was focus on myself. Nothing seems to be happening, he just withdraws, hides his feelings.

I've kept my chin up all this time, thinking, okay, things are going to get better, it just takes time and patience. He needs to completely end contact with OW before any progress can be made. Am I doing something wrong?

Hi,

There is much to cover. See if you can watch Dr Phil's show tonight. It was just on from 3 - 4pm PST here in Calif.

I have to run out for a few minutes but let's keep this at the top so others can respond.

I will check back. Please make sure you have read the concepts section above. Also see if you can get ahold of the book, love must be tough by Dr James Dobson.

take care and don't despair..... oh boy the stories we can share with you may make your hair stand on end!!! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yet we are still here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

lind - Orchid is good, I've talked to her several times, and she is #1. The thing about your husband not remembering your history together, I went through that. He couldn't remember going into the hospital giving birth to 4 kids. He couldn't remember the time he came home and I wrapped myself in saran wrap and greeted him at the door. This hurts hon, really hurts. It is like twilight zone, and you wonder if you are really there.

Your husband is doing one thing that is positive of his feelings. He cried to you. That is a man with sensitivity, and compassion. You are one step ahead, with a compassionate man.

This is going to be a rough road. Orhcid has many stories she could tell. And I have many that I could tell. Your man is in a deep foogggg.....! He is not sensible, and if he watched Dr. Phil, he would see what a fool he is making of himself. The other woman, is a fantansy, an illusion, they didn't have time together, living in a world of bills, time frames, kids, etc. This is all a dream, and one day that dream will burst, and then they wonder what happened. Dr. Phil also said that two adulterers in an affair, their chance of marriage is less than 5%.

Good luck, and Listen to what Orchid says, she has been a life saver at times.

Hi Orchid,

I realize there is a lot of ground that I need to go over again in order to figure out what has been happening with my M. I'll see if I can check out a copy of Dr. Dobson's book from the local library.

What could be bothering my H? In MC I learned that his expectations of my career opportunities did not meet with reality. He was disappointed that I settled for the work that I am doing now, as opposed to moving forward with what he felt would be a bright career in the fine arts. Something for which no one doubted I had the talent for. Except for myself. I didn't have the motivation to take it any further.

Main thing that bothers me is that I don't feel as if H sees me as being on equal footing as him in this R. That he's not willing to give up some of the responsibilities so that it's not all his burden. Another is that he finds it so difficult to talk to me about his emotions. With his IC he realized that he is an emotional infant, unable to express himself fully. Or maybe unable to feel that he can trust me with those feelings, without turning it against him......

We both have backed off from bringing up anything about the M for the longest time. And without communication, I may as well continue to sit on a stump an think I can wait for something to happen. No matter how much I work on myself. I called my H to ask if we would be able to talk about the M, or any other topics because far too much time has gone to not know where we're headed. I hope that we can both learn what each of our ENs are, what do we hope to have within marriage, or most importantly, if he even wants to be married. This'll be tomorrow evening. Unfortunately the only access I have right now is at work, so I'll have to sign off for now.

Again Orchid, thank you.

Faith--

Thank you for the reassurance, that this is typical. My H has shown remorse; I know that he feels extreme guilt, thinking not only about how he has hurt me, but for how it has affecetd both of our respective families, and our friends. Friends who saw that everything was good for us, the future bode well. For all the years that my H and I were together before getting married, I would not have thought that the loyal, caring, honorable, faithful guy I knew could ever hurt me in the worst way imaginable.

I wanted to give up on him, on us, so many times. I still grieve for what I thought we had. It's so true, there's no rationale to the WS in this.

I'm sorry for your pain, Faith. I wish that I had more to share with you. Please take care.

Linday

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