point taken..

Hi Sweatin,
I don't normally respond much to the posts, but your certainly got my attention because my husband has been asking me about threesomes for a while now. Like you I put the question out on one of the boards to get some feedback. I truly agree with most of the responses that I received that it is a bad idea to bring a third person into your bedroom (man or woman). My sexual relationship with my husband has been so wonderful the past several months that it really kinda hurt when he suggested it. Like I wasn't enough or something. In our many conversations he asked me if I had or had thought about being with another woman at all or having two men, one of which would be him of course. Maybe the smart thing would have been to lie, but I didn't and I confessed that I had thought about what it would be like either way, but didn't think I could actually go through with it at all. BTW, watching an occasional porn film didn't help with this because from the ones I've seen at least, this thing happens a lot!! Anyway he hasn't totally given up on the idea yet, but he has quit asking so much. I don't know about you, but I know myself well enough to know that I would never be the same or feel the same about my husband if I actually was involved in or watching him have sex with another woman. I would from that point on wonder always wonder if I measured up.

miserableinpa how long have you guys been married?,and has this been something that has been mentioned while you guys were dating?..I agree with you,i wouldnt feel the same about me,my wife,or our relationship if we ever went thru with it,see the thing is,when my wife brought it up,she said that i wouldnt be allowed to kiss or have intercourse with the other woman,just with my wife.

So this is more for her i think than me.Also,this was brought up during a time when my wife was thinking about divorce because she felt i wasnt in love with her anymore,and that i was just around because of habit,so im thinking she was thinking it spice us back up..funny thing is,i havent talked about anything like this since i said "I DO"15 years ago..I think the way im gonna handle this is once we get back to being a "couple" which i pray is soon,i dont know how much longer i can take this one sided show of love,i will then tell her,im not interested in having anyone in the bedroom but her,and tell her fantasies are fine,as long as they stay fantasies..

She told me she loved me yesterday for the 1st time in 2 months,and she said it has taken her that long to say so..we have had times in the past where i was taking her for granted,and she voiced out,i changed,then fell back into my stupid ways..so she wants to make sure this isnt like the other times.I assured her,that it took THIS and all we have been thru to realize,i really LOVE her,and that im willing to change to keep her happy.

Tell your husband that u told him you thought about it only because u want him to be happy,and that this act would not make u happy.because in marriage,and relationships,the main goal is for both to be happy.Good Luck and thx for the response

<small>[ February 24, 2003, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: sweatinlove ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No more spending the night with her girlfriend until i meet her and her husband </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, I cannot imagine a married woman spending the night with a girlfriend unless this girlfriend lives hundreds of miles away and she is visiting. Every other Friday night would be outrageous to me.

I sure don't think that these sleepovers are all ghost stories and popcorn. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I would bet that she has already participated in a threesome and she is now wanting you to participate. She has gotten a taste of it and it is to her liking.

As Always, JMHO
committed

I would see some truth in that if not us having problems,we were at the point of seperation/divorce..she wanted to seperate to give us time to think about us..then when i didnt like that and started fights.then she talked of divorce,thats when i reflected and decided to give her space sorta speaking.She works 6 nights a week since i am off work,and we have built our lifes on my old job where i made good money,now workmans comp pays crap compared..so we need the extra income.where before she didnt work,so she has a extra load.

she has every other weekend off.the friday she works,is a easy night,thats the night she spends with her friend,other friday night,is our night,we go out,saturday is family day,which was another thing i neglected,i got ina funk,and didnt want to go do anything,which we always used to do things.I know red flags are flying,but i have to go on hers and our past,and KNOW she wouldnt do this to me.I pray everyone here is wrong

sweatinlove,
My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and dated for 3-1/2 years before that. We have 2 wonderful kids and a third due the end of March. We never talked about this at all until about maybe six months ago or so, and off and on since. Like you, we have certainly had our share of problems to the point that I filed for divorce about 3 years ago. Thankfully with lots of work, lots of support and lots of determination we were able to keep our family together and probably in the past 10 months or so have been even closer. It wasn't until he brought it up that I had even become the slightlest bit curious what it would be like, BUT we've talked about my fears and concerns of what it would do to our relationship and have decided that it will just remain a fantasy. I really hope that things work out for you and your wife. You sound like a very wise man that loves her very much and wants his marriage to work. Believe me when I tell you that it is possible. If anyone had told me 3 years ago that I would still be married to my husband I'd thought they were totally nuts, but it can happen. I think one of the most important things is to be totally honest with your wife about how you feel (which you seem to be doing anyway) and even though you have made mistakes in the past, sooner or later, she'll start to believe what she's actually seeing and believing that it's going to continue. I hope that helps even a little. Take care and keep posting, I hope it works out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sweatinlove:
... I know red flags are flying,but i have to go on hers and our past,and KNOW she wouldnt do this to me.I pray everyone here is wrong.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whippit: By a show of hands, who here at MB KNEW his or her spouse wouldn't be unfaithful to them?
*Everyone raises his or her hand.*

I don't mean to be flippant, because I understand what you're going through. I used the example only to illustrate the point that you're already making. In the same sentence you say you can't ignore what what you see and what your gut is telling you. On the other hand you're not ready to believe it. That's perfectly natural. We've all been in that spot.

Take a step back and try to remove emotion from the situation. Do some homework and some sniffing around. Learn how to ask your wife questions that are not threatening, yet will expose deception, as people who are lying have to create new lies to support the old lies. Inconsistencies are the norm with them.

You don't have to trust us ... only yourself. You will see in your own time what we here seem to see. Protect yourself.

And I hope we're wrong, too. It truly saddens me that each time I log on to MB I see the number of registered users increase. Happy they're here for help. Sad because they need it.

In any case, try and clear your head as best you can and move forward with strength.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by miserableinpa:
<strong>sweatinlove,
My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and dated for 3-1/2 years before that. We have 2 wonderful kids and a third due the end of March. We never talked about this at all until about maybe six months ago or so, and off and on since. Like you, we have certainly had our share of problems to the point that I filed for divorce about 3 years ago. Thankfully with lots of work, lots of support and lots of determination we were able to keep our family together and probably in the past 10 months or so have been even closer. It wasn't until he brought it up that I had even become the slightlest bit curious what it would be like, BUT we've talked about my fears and concerns of what it would do to our relationship and have decided that it will just remain a fantasy. I really hope that things work out for you and your wife. You sound like a very wise man that loves her very much and wants his marriage to work. Believe me when I tell you that it is possible. If anyone had told me 3 years ago that I would still be married to my husband I'd thought they were totally nuts, but it can happen. I think one of the most important things is to be totally honest with your wife about how you feel (which you seem to be doing anyway) and even though you have made mistakes in the past, sooner or later, she'll start to believe what she's actually seeing and believing that it's going to continue. I hope that helps even a little. Take care and keep posting, I hope it works out.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AWSOME. I really like hearing stories like that,being near the edge,and not jumping if i might say so.i hope i have the same kind of luck with my situation.God bless your unborn child.

Sweatinlove,

Wow, this brings back memories for me. My FWH used to mention 3somes too. And, interestingly enough the person he mentioned the most happens to have been the OW. I just didn't know it at the time.

The other person he mentioned was our next door neighbor, who I was very uncomfortable with because she kept throwing herself at my H.

Neighbor ended up moving her family, then 2 months later telling her H she wanted a divorce.

If the subject comes up (and I seriously doubt it will) it would be a HUGE red flag for me! CSue

The more I read your story the more probable your wife is into some deep affair with a couple or another person. What husband would have allowed his wife to spend overnighters every other Friday with a so-called couple who you were never allowed to meet or know their names or where they live. I am really surprised you never had her followed to see where she was going.

After all of the times you asked her and she refused to tell you about them is a pretty obvious sigh that you have been duped. It is interesting that she now says she will not go over to them again until you are introduced to them some time in the immediate future. My friend if she was not hiding something she would have driven you down to meet them immediately when you asked.
I am guessing she is cooling down the affair momentarily while she tries to find some friends to pose as the couple to ease your mind and then immediately continue her overnighters with another couple or a friend. I would strongly urge you the first time she resumes her overnighters to have her followed and see where she really ends up. I doubt most husbands or wifes would have accepted the disrespect and overnighters by their spouse that you have. Face it if she had nothing to hide you would have met these people immediately. It is so obvious she is playing you.
Again have her followed and you will see where she is really going. There are have been other stories of spouses who enjoy secret lives. I am just surprised that you have felt comfortable not knowing where your wife is and where she is staying and with whom on a weekend. What is wrong with this picture?

Im NOT compfy with it,thats why we have had a few fights over this.The thing is,and i dont know if i posted it in my ealier post (original post http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=014316 )

Originaly we were seperated in the same house for our kids sake.So she was spending time away from me while kids were asleep or at school.Thats seperation..I found out from her that she had a "new" friend actually someone she knew before we met,and ran into her at the mall.The 1st time she called and said she was staying at her house,i blew up..telling her i didnt want her staying overnight with someone i didnt know.

She said "we are seperated"i dont have to answer to you.We have had 3 fights over this.Now she says since it bothers me this much,she will not go again till i meet them.Problem is the friend owns her own bussiness,and is busy all the time,and from what wife tells me,they live in a pretty run down home,and is embarrassed to let me come there.So they will come to our house.

I KNOW another red flag

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bryanp:

What husband would have allowed his wife to spend overnighters every other Friday with a so-called couple who you were never allowed to meet or know their names or where they live. I am really surprised you never had her followed to see where she was going.
========================================================

One that loves and trust his wife

You are not out of the woods just yet.

BryanP is correct when he told you that if the moment comes when she restarts her overnighters, follow her or have her followed to confirm one way or another if she is involved in an A.

It's bad enough when a loved one deceives us, but it is worse when we do it to ourselves.

Clearly you love your wife very much and I am not disputing this at all. Your last message floored me. Now the other couple own their own business but live in a poor area and are too embarrassed to have you visitors so they will visit you instead.
You really can't be serious about accepting this
are you? I guess that means you will never know where these people live or have their address or phone number when your wife stays overnight. I am sure that these people are hand picked. Why do you not have a pot luck and bring food to their place? It defeats the entire purpose if you are not allowed to see where you wife is going. I wish you luck but do you really think if the roles were reversed you wife would accept this story? If you not allowed to see where these people live then I think you know this whole story is bogus. I feel for you and I hope for the best for you but I think you should prepare for the worst. What a story.

Smoke to the left, mirrors to the right.

Bryan makes sense,i thought same thing when she said she was embarrassed of her home,yet she lets my wife stay over..yes she owns her own bussiness,but its a small bar,that her dad left to her,and is in debt with it ATM,her husband is in bodyshop work.Some people dont manage there money well,maybe they have lived in this house for awhile,and just started having good fortune with there jobs.

That i dont know,wife did say that they were looking to move,so maybe they have begun to make more money.I know she drives a POS car,and her husband drives a wreck as well.My wife has all the finer things in life,new home in a awsome neighborhood,new suburban,something she has always wanted.Why would she go have an affair with a couple which lives ina run down home,and dont have a pot to piss in? When she i know has had offers in the past from guys who have twice the money and things i can offer..Sometimes it doesnt make sense,then again,my wife doesnt have any friends to speak of,and she found an old friend.

Someone she can talk to about me and her,get a nuetral opinion,and take a break from us so that she can work on her feelings about us instead of being in the house with me.She had her chances to leave,her mother already told her and me that if she needed to get out,she would help (her parents are loaded)..but she chose to stay in the house and try and work it out,on a trial seperation in the same house for the kids..

Until i get hardcore proof,ill have to beleive her.But the overnighters will not continue until i meet them,see where they live,and have phone numbers,if it causes a huge fight to the point of us not continuing to work on our relationship,then yes,i say she is hiding something,at that point,i need to count my losses and move on,as much as it would hurt,cant hurt more than someone you love cheating on you.

This board rules,and i appreciate all of your opinions,altho some are NOT what i want to hear hehe

I really do wish you luck. It sounds like you are taking a proactive stance and I am glad to hear it.
It sounds like you have this under control. I do hope everything she says to you is true. Many of us on this board were played by our spouses and see a lot of it in your story so it is natural that we wish to protect everyone else from the hurt and the pain.
It really does sound like you have a handle on it.
I again wish you luck.

sweatin,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This board rules,and i appreciate all of your opinions,altho some are NOT what i want to hear hehe
sweatin,

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gawd, where have I heard that before? There is something Harley refers to as "the fog". I don't think that the fog afflicts every WS as many would tend to believe. I also think that the BS can be afflicted with a form of this phenomenon otherwise referred to as denial.

I admire the trust that you have in your W and her possibly innocent lifestyle outside of the marriage and your knowledge. Just one bit of caution...Beware, the fog! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

jmho
tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I too am glad that you seem to have woken up and smelled the coffee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and like everybody else, wish that your W is telling you the absolute truth.

SweetInLove,
I've read this thread as well as your original post. First let me say I feel for you, and I know where you are right now. As far as the 3-some goes, DON'T DO IT. That was how my wife and I started out about 5-6 years ago. I can tell you it will escalate to a point of destruction.

Now, on believing your wife, don't. If you haven't done so already read WAT's guidelines for betrayed spouses. It is a thread with A LOT of information on what you should/shouldn't believe and do. Trust your gut. What does your gut say? Try not to listen to your brain (I know that's hard to do) listen to what your gut tells you.

Much of what your wife is telling you now parallels what my wife has been telling me for nearly 3 months now. That's when I found out that our "Open Relationship" destroyed our marriage; she fell in love with my best friend who was also one of our "partners".

In my case my wife wouldn't tell me everything because she didn't want to hurt me. She still has feelings for me and hurting me goes against those feelings. In her own words she distorts the truth or keeps certain things from me (she doesn't call it lying) out of "necessity" so she won't hurt me.

I strongly agree with previous posters who advise you to follow her, or have her followed. This is how I discovered my wife was visiting the OM and not telling me. If your not up on tailing techniques I suggest getting a friend, or at least borrowing someone elses car. A PI is another option, but your looking at around $55 per hour depending on who you hire. That can get pretty pricey pretty quick.

Be strong for your children, read everything you can get your hands on here and start working on a Plan A if you haven't already. Some other things you can do is get a hold of cell phone records, tap phones, etc. Good luck.