ATN, why don't you just go for it? She is still wary of you and this might just do the trick and push her over the edge. This might be the tool to put her in a better frame of mind if she knows what you are thinking.

On the other hand, are you prepared in case she has a negative response?

If I were to choose between giving it to her this weekend or on Monday, I would choose this weekend so that she will be freer to discuss it with you if she wants.

ATN:

"THIS SUCKS>>>>>>>"

Yes, it does. But if you rephrase it a little, using a more "positive" tone, you might feel a little bit better...

Instead of saying "this sucks," for example, try something like "this really pulls a GOOD vaccuum!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hope a little of my revolting sense of humor can help a tad.

-Qfwfq

OK....Thanks for your imput. BTW do after I give it to her, what if she does nothing, I mean should I ask about it?

Qfwfq,

Your right..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

MELODY...I forgot to say that her Dad has asked her to go and see our Pastor as a chance to try and make things work. This was asked of her a few weeks ago and she has negleted to do it as of yet. My W was sopposed to have lunch with her mom tommorrow while I had son. Her mom told her she did not want to go because the LORD says you should obey your parents and becasue of this said she could not do lunch until she has done what her dad has asked.

Her mom said it sounded as if she was going to make the apptment next week. Our pastor does not care how she gets there (meaning for her dad or herslef). I (and her mom) beleive she has not done this yet becasue of the guilt and she nows the pastor will not be easy. Should I wait until I know she wnet to give letter...Maybe seeing the pastor will open her eyes and that letter would help better then.

Any Time, once you give her that letter the ball is in her court. You are simply telling her where you stand on the marriage. You can't count on or expect a specific reaction. I know we all hope it will open up communications, but you can't count on that. It might take much more work on your part to acheive that.

ATN:

I just read that letter. I think you're an excellent writer.

Sounds very sincere to me. You may not know how she'll respond, but I think anybody would be hard pressed to read that as anything but loving. manipulative? No possible way. But it is strange the way WS minds "work."

In any case, I can't see anything negative in giving the letter to your W.

Good luck to you,
-Qfwfq

I have to give some thanks to my good friend WAT who helped re-arrange and added some things.

Thanks.........Qfwfq

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

AnyTime,

Do you really think she will pay attention to anything the pastor says if she is forced into it? I think its great that her parents are trying to help her but i wonder if coerced counseling is going to help anything except increase her resentment and make her avoid her parents. I don't see any point in waiting until she sees the pastor really.

UPDATE on Letter:

Called her last nite to confirm what time to pick son up and asked if I could drop something off tonite. She said can it not wait until tommorow and I said I would like her to have tonite. I told her I would drop off on porch and she of course began the, dont think your coming in, or think your going to be able to give son a bath, do not knock on door...I said I would be there in 15 mins and you wont even know I was there, in fact I will call you as I am leaving so you can know I am gone.

Well, who do you think was in the kitchen window, as if waiting for me to arrive... my son and wife....my son immediately saw me and began yelling "DADDY" so wife came to door and opened it. (for someone who did not want to see me she should have been upstairs until I called....right???) Anyway, she came to the door and of course my son wanted some loving so I gave him a hug and gave my wife a single rose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , bag of MM's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and of course the letter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . She told me I did not have to do all of this and I said Nonssense...its for you....Then she indicated I was trying to make her fat and I replied, no I want you to enjoy them a little at a time....she said she'd probaly eat the whole bag. (we both laughed) My son wanted me to hold him, so I did but my wife got a smell of colonge I was wearing and asked if I had a hot date....(I try to be nicey dressed and smell good at all times now) I said no I do not I AM MARRIED and show her my ring finger and she said you should go out on some dates.....WTF... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I hope WAT/MEL/Q/Mimi chime in with "this is typical...she just saying that....cause she realy threw me off on that one"

Anyway...I asked her to read the letter after she put son to bed and told her I love her and said goodbye...I could tell she kind of wanted to keep the conversation going or maybe me even ask to come in, but my mind set was to get in and get out.....without convo....Hopefully when I pick up son she will say something....if not when I dropp him off I may say that Chicago for the WHOLE family is still open if you would like to go. I plan on asking her tommoorrow about emotional questionaire.

Well....how'd I do?

<small>[ March 01, 2003, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

ATN,

Sounds like you did great. I am just surprised at her new aversion to you. She wasn't this way last week and it bothers me. I wouldn't ask for the questionaire or anything, I would back off now and let her make the next move. Just continue to deflect her lovebusters and be as nice as possible. Thats really all you can do right now, anything more is going to push her away.

Why does it bother you? I mean I have not LB'ed in almost 2 weeks. Maybe she has realized that the grass is not greener on the other side?

ATN,

Thats my point, you have not lovebusted her in 2 weeks and instead of warming up to you, she is getting cooler. I hope this blows over after she reads your letter.

I thought by her being at the window when I arrived was a big improvement....she wanted to see me....even her coming to door and joking with me....our conversations are peacefull and I think she is warming up to me....

Are you refering to her complaining about me not coming in etc...

She just called....no metion of letter, however was telling me son will take a nap early today casue he is already rubbing eyes, again no need to call me casue I made it clear that I was not doing anything today except waiting for him to wake up from nap so I can pick him up. Then she asked what time tommorrow I was picking up D and asked waht we were doing???? Again I already told her - Chicago.....I said to her idf her and my son wanted to go, the invitation is still there just try and let me know by tonite....she said thanks for the invite...she also asked that when I come over to pick up son if I can look at my D foot, she has a ingrown toenail that is bothering her. I said absoultely. I asked her if she atte the whole bag of mms and she said no that her and my son ahd some..

MEL....90% od the above convo did not need to happen, half of it we just talked about and there is no way she forgot...especaily when she was the one asking ?'s

well, it sounds good! Yes, the thing about not allowing you in the house really bothers me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>ATN - the "don't want you in the house" thingy could simply be her best excuse. Do not take this seriously. Do not underestimate the power of her self deception.

All the sudden, I became abusive, according to my XW. (OM's older kids laughed in her face at that accusation. My SIL asked her, "If he's abusive, why do you leave your son with him?")

WAT</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MEL>...I think it is possible that she is very confused right now and becasue I will not argue with her, this is her only way to passify her anger and what she has done????

Just a thought?

ATN,

Yes, I do agree with that assessment. She needs to demonize you in order to justify what she has done. Your Plan A removes her ammo for that little strategy and makes her look at herself. My concern was that it seems like she wasn't worried about it last week and this week she is.

Ya...I think though it is catching up to her. She probably was not worried about uit last week becasue she was testing me, trying to get me to fight. The more we fought in the begining, gave her confidence a reasuring emotion that she was doing the right thing by divorcing/pushing me away because all I did was LB. Now however she is having to look at herself and wonder if she is now making the wrong descion and is starting to open up. I can say my wife is very strong when it comes to pride and I truyely beleive this is what is slowing us down. It is going to take a lot for her to suck it up and "ask me back or appologize"...what ever form it is but I know her and this is her biggest obsticle. I mean in the begining ofour marriage she charged ~$800 worth of clothes and when I got the bil...still denied it....even thought AMEX shows the signature....it took alot for her to even admit that....

It is going to be tough....I do think that I will have to extend olive branch a little at a time so I give her oportunities for her to make small gestures of "love or compassion" so that when/if she wants to confied or tell me something, she will have a "certain" bond with me that she does not feel like she has a huge mountain to cross when telling me someting.

MAke Sence.

<small>[ March 01, 2003, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: Any Time Now... ]</small>

ok, ATN, that does make sense. I couldn't figure it out and what you say makes sense. I do think it will blow over once she grasps that you aren't going to react. Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />