Only when I'm...

...changed my mind. Better not answer that one!

-Qfwfq <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

~Q~ ... if we ever meet in person ... I'm NOT going to shake your hand ... OK? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ROFL!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Don't listen to them, ATN!!! Mo grease, no grease!!!

"We're not playin' for 3-in-1 Oil, you know!"

-Bruce Dern, "Silent Running."

You guys - Mel, Pep, Q - are totally screwed up!

And I'm not saying that just to be nice!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and ATN thought he had problems! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

♣Qfwfq

You guys are too funny. Seriously though...thanks for all your help in the past and in the future you guys are great. I needed a laugh.

On that note I will probably call W tonite to see how kids are doing.

For some reason I keep thinking about contacting OM's W. But again I am not sure how to do without paying some PI $250. Do I need to tell OM's W or just let it be and hope it all pans out. OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was me hitting myself with MB 2x4. I mean I need to have some faith, right? I now I am becoming closer to GOD and that alone should help me.

ATN ... If you think the MB 2X4 is big 'n bad .... wait until you feel Gods 2X4 ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What? She doesn't know yet????

I apologize, these stories run together after awhile - they're all so similar that it's hard to keep them sorted.

Seriously, I thought this was resolved.

Don't waste money on a PI. Oh yea, now I remember, were you the one who wanted to take relationship advice from a PI? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Were you considering a PI because you don't know OM's or his wife's identity? The rest of this reply will be based on the assumption that you know how to contact both OM and his wife.

I suggest you write a letter to OM - maybe even include a copy of your Plan A letter - and tell him you're gonna hand deliver a similar letter to his wife in X days. This puts the responsibility squarely on OM.

An alternative (because OM likely has no integrity and certainly so far, no sense of responsibility) is to simply write a letter to her bypassing OM. Offer to speak directly with her. The reason for the alternative is that it's almost guaranteed that when he gets your letter (in the first option) he will warn his wife that a crazy man (possibly abducted by aliens <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) might contact her with some crazy story about him cheating on her. "Just warning you, Baby. Don't believe it!! You know I wouldn't do anything like that!!"

In either way - or any other way - word will get back to your W that the beans have been spilled and it'll be your fault. This is where an anon squealer has appeal - but guess what? It'll STILL be all your fault! You can't win in the short term, but there is too much risk in NOT informing OM's W, in my opinion. By not informing her there is no turmoil on the other side and you are a participant in the deception.

The timing of all this is crucial. Some argue that informing an unsuspecting spouse should be delayed until Plan B. But what if there is no Plan B? In my view, the telling should come immediately upon discovery by the BS. The sooner the better. At the point of discovery, the BS is likely LB'ing big time anyway and the WS is usually panicked. A good time to get everything out in the open at once. Of course, you're past this point and you'll need to figure out the best timing to minimize the LB you'll create.

Re-read the links in my guidelines post (linked in my sig line) and consider starting a separate post on this to get more views on the particulars of your sitch.

WAT...I do NOT know name or how to contact the OM's W. If I did this would have been done already. I can pay a PI to get me that info though. I was asking if I should do this. Does anyone know a different way of finding this out? I have looked in phone book, internet and even found who I thought was the wife but turned out to be the Mom of him (him and dad have same name?) A detective contacted me and told me not to call them anymore and told who they were. Rememeber he a undercover drug guy and very hard to find anything about him. All I know is his name, what he does and where works. I do not even know what he looks like.

If, in your opinions, I am wasting my time then so be it. But if important I will hire PI to get me that info and make the call to OM's W.

ATN,

Only you can make that decision based on how important you think it is to contact her. For me, I would do it because A) it would put pressure on the affair to end from that end, and B) it would be a kindness to warn her what is going on behind her back.

The downside to forcing the OM to tell her is that he will spin the story and lie to protect himself. He will portray you as a nutty jealous husband and she will never know the truth. Then she will come here and tell us about how her H has this "friend" at work, and they are only "friends" but the friend's nutty H has imagined an affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ditto Mel

Another alternative would be to inform OM's employer. If he's an undercover cop, I bet that part of his "cover" is some sort of determination that he can't reasonably be compromised, i.e., he doesn't have any skeletons in the closet that somebody could exploit to influence him. See where I'm going?

If you've got really good goods on him, you might have a lot of power. You could inform him that you're going to his employer with the evidence. Perhaps your local government jurisdiction has a component that processes allegations concerning officials, including police officers, that you could contact. Maybe this is within the police department. I bet there's someone on the forum with better knowledge of stuff like this.

Please weigh carefully anything you do in this regard. Don't act on emotion or act quickly. Maybe in the end, hiring the PI to locate his wife will turn out to be the best way.

WAT

I can not handle this stress. MIL and FIL have askled me to dinner prior to my D's school program. I will be showing up with now w/ W's Mom and Dad.....Is this a LB. I can not "not" go in with them, they have been very supportive thru this whole thing. Her parents have basically shut her out until she see's Pastor. They will talk with her, but they are unhappy with her.

Oh...Boy I am in for it tonite.

ATN:

Try to suggest to your inlaws that you go separately to the show. And THEN, while you're at dinner, make it clear to them that you love their daughter and you'd appreciate a little support of her from THEM. Tell them that would help YOU out a lot.

I think it's entirely possible to support their daughter without condoning her behavior. And since the behavior isn't currently going ON (the A, that is, is it?), then they're missing out on an opportunity to show just what kind of solidity their support consists of. Heck, even if she's in an A, it would be better for them to be supportive (except of the A) than to blow her off until she does something they require of her.

Good luck, ATN. You'll do fine.
-Qfwfq

Well I F'D up tonite. Everything was going good until my son started crying so I took him out into the hallway at daughters school and guess what is in the display case. Daddy/Daughter Dance this Saturday. I went absolutely f-ing balistic cause no one (D or W) said anything to me. Last year D did not want to go to dance so we went and had dinner, a nice night out. My wife said D did not want to go, and I said it is YOUR responsibility to comunicate this stuff with me even if she did not want to go. Then we started arguing. THat pretty much sums it up. I F-ed UP!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I am leaving for a mini-vacation and will be back sunday. I'll be up for a few more hrs for those who want to yell at me. I think this set me back ALOT.

ATN:

Am online because I got my scope out to look at Jupiter...

Try to calm down, first and foremost. Second and secondmost, I F'd up a lot more than you have. Third and thirdmost, my W and I are still together, and only just "agreed" to try to determine whether we have a future together or not.

Main thing is that these LBs are certainly "unfortunate" but it's not necessarily the end of the world, anymore than it's the "beginning of the world" when you do something nice and surprise her. Consistency over the long haul is the key.

Yes, this was a LB. No, it's not over, because the gravitationally challenged human of the female persuasion hasn't sung yet.

Take it easy. Don't run away (unless you were planning this trip already). Call her when you calm down, maybe tomorrow, and apologize for going ballistic. Dont' blame.

Take care,
-Qfwfq

ATN:

Hey, dude-unit! How are you doing today?

-Qfwfq

Dude-unit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> is off on vacation until Sunday!

Mel:

h'DOING! I can read, I just can't remember squat!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-Qfwfq

that's because you are old, Q. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />