Hi all, and thanks for looking at another post of mine. First an udate on my last post I called OM 3 diffrent times but got no answer. I got their answering machine but I left no message. Now my WW has been very depressed the last couple of days and last night she said that she wants to move to another state with our kids and start her life over. Not the state where OM lives but her home state thats even farther from OM. She then said that she doesn't want a man in her life at all right now that she just wants to concentrate on the kids. That the only way she would meet a man is if he fell out of the sky and landed right in front of her. I ask her if something had happend between her and OM and she didn't really give me an answer she just said you would like that wouldn't you. I though that mabe OM has caller ID and had seen were a call had come from our house and ask her if she had called. If she said no then he would have known that it must have been me and that might have scared him into no contact or even breaking it off with her. This is all just me guessing so I don't know anything really. I saw were she had been looking for jobs and houses for rent in her home state so at least right now she is serious about doing this. Is this standard FOG talk about moving and starting over or should I really be concerned about it. I told her this morning that I still loved her and didn't want her to go that I wanted her to be really sure before she did something like that. When she brought it up I told her that she couldn't leave the state with our kids and she just started crying worse and said that she just wanted to start over with the kids so I just let it drop for the time being. I almost think I would let her move with the kids so that they all would see how much they missed being a family. Right now the kids see her crying alot and know that she isn't happy here. I know that they think it's because of me because we haven't told them about OM. They don't see me cry because I do it when they aren't around. Is that a bad idea to let them move out so that they can see that they want to come back. It just seams like it would mean more especially to WW if it were her idea to come back because she wanted to instead of feeling traped here just for the kids. ( She said she wouldn't leave witout the kids)So in the mean time I still haven't talked to OM but I will and what should I do with WW right now. THANKS AGAIN 20years

Your theory makes a lot of sense and is the high probability scenario. Even the part about OM being scared by the Caller ID.

Let's face it, OM was probably a big, fat, chicken who strung along your W (intentionally or not). And your W probably feels like crap for being so strong about something so damn silly.

So what can you do? One path is to work on creating the safest environment possible. Take off the pressure of fixing the marriage. Offer to take things slowly. Propose being nice to each other. Keep the environment so that one day she might open up a bit about the EA. And then prove to her that you can make it safe for her to be open. Then leverage that crack to kick-start a recovery plan.

Or kick her out w/o the kids. And then let the kids know that you want to work on the marriage.

Both ways have their appeal and are probably worth investigating. But I have a feeling that the first option would be your choice even though it is probably slower.

Good luck.

Glad you decided to tell.

btw, some fog-translation. She is probably refusing to work on the marriage so she can continue to justify being so mean to you. As long as the marriage is unfixable in her eyes, the EA and her actions is somewhat justified. Sure the part where, "OM is my fate" justification is now shattered into a gazillion pieces, but desperation will cling to anything.

Hey, have you figured out what how the two of you got this state in the first place? That's something you could think about while this is going on.

btw, I would consider talking w/ OM to incent him to recover properly w/ his W. I'd hate for him to do this to another man's W. Perhaps an idle threat to talk and show "proof" to his wife and/or church could do it. But you got more immediate priority things to worry about, so this is just a suggestion to think about now that the risk to you is a lot lower.

<small>[ February 21, 2003, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

20years,

I think he broke it off with her and she is going through withdrawal. This is a good sign. I really like how you handled her suggestion to move by telling her you love her and don't want her to move but she can't take the kids. You have to protect the kids from the crazy ideas of a WS who is in the throes of an addiction. They need a stable influence in their lives and you are definitely all they have right now. But, I don't think she will move, she is just brooding the loss of her boyfriend.

I would suggest that you just keep on track with your Plan A but stand your ground about the kids. You don't sacrifice them in Plan A. You might even want to contact an attorney to make sure she can't abscond with the kids.

I also congratulate you for trying to contact the OM. I know that it takes alot of courage to do the right thing and would have been much easier for you to just do nothing. You are a courageous man, 20years.

Way to go 20!!!!!!!!!!

I have to agree with est and melody. I think your calls may have been a factor. I wouldn't stop calling. If he doesn't answer his home phone, you might want to call the church (I would think the number is on their website). It would be hard for him to refuse to take your call there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.... so I just let it drop for the time being. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good Plan A.

I wouldn't let her move out just yet. You have a great opportunity to do a good Plan A. Let her see the man you can be (one that is able to change, learn to meet her needs and love her in a way she can percieve and understand). A proper Plan A, makes you into a better person, give her a safe haven for her to talk to you and shows her what she will be missing should you feel the need to go to Plan B.

quoted by: est

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is probably refusing to work on the marriage so she can continue to justify being so mean to you. As long as the marriage is unfixable in her eyes, the EA and her actions is somewhat justified.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife told me that if I hadn't changed it would have been much easier for her to leave me. But I didn't LB, I let her talk to me in her time, but I did let her know on more thatn one occasion that I loved her "no matter what". SHe took a chance one day and told me how she felt about OM. It hurt me, but I didn't freak out or go nuts'o on her. I just made it safe for her to talk to me, the person that is supposed to be her best friend.

Remember, Jesus brought people to him because of his love. Bring your W back to you with your love.

I'm so happy for you keep it up.

S&C

Yep, ditto the others except don't kick her out.

We are not surprised.

Expect more crazy explanations and DO NOT try to make sense out of them. Think of her as temporarily insane and do not take any of this personally.

WAT

I giggle everytime I see "FOGLATIN" on this thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Too funny!

I'm in agreement with the rest. It definitely sounds as if OM has cut off contact. Almost all of us have caller ID anymore, I would think a man in his position would definitely have it. Either he found it, or his W asked who could have called him from your area. (btw...if she's been suspicious, she may call you back...what will you tell her if she does?)

I would not do anything to help her leave. You can NOT stop her, but you don't have to make it easier. You want to try and make it as easy as possible for her to stay, not to go.

BUT...do NOT let her take your children. If necessary, by legal means. If she is as confused as it sounds like, she is not ready to be a single parent. jmho

Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>I giggle everytime I see "FOGLATIN" on this thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Too funny!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too..... 20Years, you may have just coined a new MB phrase!

20, keep us updated.

For the record, only a few of us here can actually speak foglatin, but we ALL come to understand it. I guess some of us can imitate it, but the "accent" (facial expressions) that go with it are real tough.

There really is such a thing as foglatin. LOL
Been there and seen it! 20 yrs, she may just be making an excuse to try to move somewhere and shut you out while trying to reconnect too.
Ws's are very deceitful people, sorry to say. But we all know it.
congratulations on trying to call OM. I would suggest you get a paid phone card and try from another phone also. the man has to be home sometime unless he's gone on a conference.
And absolutely calling the church and asking for him will give you some idea of what is going on. Perhaps he's being transferred? Gasp! To where?
Do not let her take your children. She got herself into this mess, so if she wants to leave, she has to give up something. And children are very precious to us moms. Also, it might make your children think you're the culprit and do not want them either!
Fight for the children because she doesnt' deserve to have them with her right now.
You've gotten excellent advice from others here. Hard as it is, try to be loving and kind, making her feel safe for now. But keep your eyes and ears open for anything that may still be going on in secret!
Usually, a WS at this point doesn't know what they want or think in terms of reality!It's a ME,ME phase!
God bless, LouLou