I had a great day today, did a lot of chores outside on a beautiful, sunny, warm day, not common this winter in the northeast. I feel empowered, capable, like I'm going to make it. The chores I did were those WH used to do, amidst much complaining. This week in IC I realized that I have been living in fear of WH for many years - fear of his negative reaction to EVERYTHING!!! Even a trip to Italy, for goodness sake!! My point is, I am starting to feel that I would be better off WITHOUT him. Is this just a stage, or am I on to something permanent?

DDay was about 6 months ago, soul mate A with a co-worker/widow. After begging, pleading for a few weeks while H did NOTHING around the house, couldn't even feed himself, I went to a Plan A type approach. I think he noticed, but unfortunately I also LB'd occasionally. WH would spend a night w/OW, then cry to come home the next morning, always checking his options. I took him back each time, with increasing reluctance and increasing proof that he have NC. He even phoned her in front of me one day, telling her he "couldn't do this any more", but was back in contact within a few days. By early October I had had enough and told him to get out, so he moved in with his mother. He also got a disability waiver from his psychologist to stay out of work and stay away from OW, but he contacted her within a week. I wouldn't have WH in our home for Thanksgiving, it seemed too cheesy, Daddy carving the turkey, but Daddy has a girlfriend. I think that sobered him up for awhile. He promised NC early December, wanted to come home for the holidays, but was back in contact within a week again. New Year's Eve WH moved in with OW, and I haven't seen him in 2003.

WH sent me a letter 1/29 stating that he still loved me, wished he could turn back the hands of time, no part of our M had ever been this bad - blah blah blah. Never said a word about ending A. Said he was thinking about moving into own apartment, to sort things out. OK, the apartment becomes available this weekend according to MIL, I wonder if he'll go through with it. And even if he does, he can still see OW whenever he wants. I'm sick of this.

So, my life has been lived alone through a cold and snowy winter on top of a mountain with wood heat, but I have SURVIVED!!. I've read books, exploring what my part in H's unhappiness in the M might be, linking my adult behavior to childhood patterns. Learned some things, have lots more to learn. But I am not just learning this stuff to help my M necessarily, it's valuable info no matter what happens. I'm tired of letting WH and his selfish behavior have so much power over my life. If he wants to try to rebuild the M, he will have to prove it to me. I sent him a Plan B letter stating that I still think the M can be reconciled if he ends his A and we go to a MC, and I will honor that. But I am no longer fearful of a future without him.

My question to the wise ones out there is this - am I in some sort of stage, soon to return to sadness and fear, or am I on the road to recovery from this nightmare? By nature I'm a positive person, but I don't want to be stupid. I've definitely been so emotional at times these past 6 months that I don't trust myself. What do you think?

Thanks!!
Lablady

Me BS 47
WH 48
2 kids, S 24, D 22
Married 24 yrs
OW 44 widow/coworker
WH living w OW 12/31/03
Do I want him back if he asks?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My question to the wise ones out there is this - am I in some sort of stage, soon to return to sadness and fear, or am I on the road to recovery from this nightmare? By nature I'm a positive person, but I don't want to be stupid. I've definitely been so emotional at times these past 6 months that I don't trust myself. What do you think?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not one of the "wise ones," but things like this are what you make of them. If you choose to make this wonderful afternoon a catalyst, then it will be. Easier said than done, I know. But take every opportunity like these to love yourself and allow yourself to shine. Even if it is in your own back yard.

Thanks, Whippit. You're right, I will take today as a gift and just be thankful for it. Perhaps it will even be a catalyst for change, but it's OK if it was just a great day. BTW, I re-read your posts and you ARE one of the wise ones. I hope that the slow dance you are doing with your wife will bring the two of you even closer together. You are a very patient man. Best wishes!
LabLady

I'm a rookie at this compared to you (D-day about two months ago) but I would think you're getting where you need to be at this point. I'm sure you'll have some bad days, but like you I'm a very positive person. I have as many good days as bad at this point. The progress feels good, I just wish it was faster!

lablady, I think you're coming to a normal state very much needed in survival of this kind.
I know at first I was so devastated i would do anything to keep H. My situation is different now, because he broke it off, or I should say she did the NC urged by her h, and they've not been in Contact that i know of for over a year.
However, he still at times does LB'ing and says things that hurt. Triggers he knows will dig me.
So, I, too, have finally come to a point where I know I can live without him.
Examine how you really feel about him now? They can hurt us so much that love is lost. And I've come to realize that isn't always a bad thing for us. it's a defense mechanism. Sad as it can be, we're better off than I was before because I felt I loved him more than he loved me.
That is never a good position to be in either. it used to be reverse in early years. But after seeing the pain he could inflict without a blip on the radar going off, I slowly begin to change my feelings.
He is great at getting in a pout if he thinks I check up on him. I used to be the one to apologize and beg for making up. NO MORE!
We recently went two days without speaking and i simply ignored him. Went about my business and happily so.
When I ignored him, he is now the one who comes around seeking to make up.
I feel the only way I could have arrived at this point is due to lost love. Over time. yes, I still love him, but not so it harms me now.
My health, physically, emotionally and mentally is now my priority. And should be for all.
I think you're finally reacting normally to long time abuse and inconsideration. After all, what makes us love people to start with? Usually because they make us feel good about ourselves.
When that stops, the love can go with it. At least some of it.
Keep yourself up and healthy. Think of you first always. Because if you don't, nobody else will!
Gee, we're having aftershocks here. Had a wake up call at about 4:30 this morning of 5.2 near us. Just few miles, Now we rock and roll every few mins. LOL
God bless, LouLou

Starman, I wish progress was faster, too. I may have pulled the plug on Plan A too soon, but I couldn't take the disrespect from WH any longer. Promising NC 8 times, then reneging, enough is enough. I know I still have a long way to go, but I'll be d***ed if I don't get SOMETHING positive out of this ordeal. Maybe it will be a better understanding of myself, or a reaffirmation that my family will be there for me when I need them, these are valuable lessons. Even doing this MB thing is something positive for me, I've never reached out to a support group before, and believe me it's helped so much!

LadyLou your perspective is so consistent in all your posts I've read. You seem to be such a strong woman. I wonder if you think your M has improved since you and H have recovered, or have the dynamics changed? My WH had 2 A's about 15 years ago, a PA with a "slut", as her refers to her, and an EA with a woman who would never cheat on her H and made it clear what my H was asking her would never happen. After WH told me about this 12 yrs ago, the only way I could deal with it was to change the dynamics btwn us. I felt he deserved less respect from me, his ability to make such a bad decision caused me to be concerned about other areas of life. I also decided that I would not listen to his demands regarding sex, because he obviously had a problem. In retrospect this was not the best way to handle the situation, but I never told anyone about it and had no guidance. My anger never really went away, it would trigger sometimes.

I thought this time would be different, maybe I could even heal from the other A's because MB and others have explanations and methods to get through this. Also, many other people know about this A, so I don't have to carry this alone. I have always had a problem forgiving, I found a book Forgiving the Unforgivable, I will order it soon. The lost love you speak about is something I've felt, something dies when WS cheat on us. I'm still hoping that with help I can figure a way to build a new love with WH. The new R will be based on a new reality, that I can live without him just fine, no more fear, no more accepting what he dishes out b/c I don't believe I can do this myself. Is this similar to what you're experiencing?

BTW, ladylou, how do you deal with earthquakes and aftershocks??? I think I'd rather shovel 4' of snow!

LabLady