I am new to this site. I have read most of the articles and have found them to be most helpful in explaining how my SO feels after he found out about my affair. My story I was married for 5 yrs to a physically and mentally abusive man. We had 2 children together. I met my SO kind of through my ex. as he worked with him. My SO was married as well at the time. We met for a couple of weeks before I finally told my husband at the time, I wanted a divorce. My SO has been through alot with me as I have with him. It took him longer to get through his divorce with his ex-wife (they still remain very good friends, which used to bother me). I moved in with my SO and we've been together ever since. It has not been an easy 6+ yrs as I was still trying to break free from my prior controlling relationship but knew that I loved and still love my SO very much. Anyway, our history has been a foundation of some lies, (me) and my doubting his love as I did not feel worthy of it. (Abusive scars) We very rarely talked marriage and if we did I would not feel comfortable about it. To make a long story short, we had a rough last year. He was turning to a female co-worker and was pushing me away. Although he denies any physical connection between them, there were definately situations that placed doubt in my mind. He was away with her on business. I was home and had called his cell phone at 3:30 AM...no answer. I called the room....No answer...I called her room...no answer. Up until that point I just wanted him to call me back and talk to me...The next day my explaination was he didn't want to fight about it....He had been in the lounge drinking with her until the bar closed (2:00am) nothing happened. I was so hurt and confused. After a few weeks I had finally accepted we were "over". He was away again on business with her, I went out after work with my cousin, and a male co-worker showed up. We had alot to drink and I ended up going to meet him afterwards. At first we just talked, and blah, blah, blah....you know the story. I felt so bad as that was something I prided myself in...my entire 5 yrs of a horrible marriage, I never did such a thing. And here I was...driving home the next morning regretting it all..... Well, once I got into my car and saw that my SO NEVER called at all that evening...my remorse was turned into rage....I felt "why should I feel this way when he doesn't even care enough to call me". The next night we had a party and "she" was there. He hardly talked to me, but spent most of his time joking and talking to her and her husband. I felt extremely hurt and abandoned. The next night we were to go to a party and I told him about my feelings from the prior night...if he was going to ignore me I did not want to go. He left without me. I called my cousin and we went out. Again, drinking and having a good time..I decided to look up the co-worker. Finally finding him, I again went back to his place and we talked that night...no sex. He just held me. Unfortunatle, the next morning there was sex. I had no emotional feelings towards him and it really had nothing to do with the sex. It was the attention I got from him. I felt important, attractive, and that he really wanted to spend time with me. On my way home, my So called, I lied about where I was. He was very upset with himself and his behavior and expressed how much he wanted to be with me. Well, now I'm confused. I was not sure I believed him and wasn't sure I wanted it. Anyway. Monday, back to work, my bags were packed, I just wasn't sure I wanted to leave. A phone call between us upset me and my cousin and I went to my house at lunch (I must mention..my SO and I just moved into the brand new house we built together not 2 months ago)the garage door goes up and there he is....with her...oh, but they're just talking about he and I and our relationship and how much he loves me....IN MY NEW HOUSE....I moved out. He continually called and wanted to see me which I did...He said he knows now that I was the only one for him and he was so stupid. (He never admitted to having an affair...they were always JUST FRIENDS) I was so confused. I told the guy at work, as I had from the beginning, that I was not sure what was going on with my relationship with my SO. He backed off. My SO and I went away for a weekend and we talked married...finally. We even looked at rings. I moved back in thinking we finally arrived at "THE" point when he said we had past issues that needed worked out. (I failed to say this, but this had been a continuous excuse of his for 5 yrs) I felt betrayed again. I was confused and not sure he really love me or wanted to be with me. We continued with our relationship and I had never revealed my affair despite his following me one night and discovering the OM coming out of my place. I denied any physical relationship. I did not have an emotional connection with him and did not want one for that matter. Anyway, I am living a life full of guilt. My SO goes away for a golf trip and all is going good. Friday comes along and the girls go out. I ran into the OM..I was totally trashed and do not remember any of what happened, (swear to God, this is not an excuse) I ended up having sex with him. My SO found out because he had a PI following me the entire week while he was away. We have tried to work through it. Now it is 7 months later and he tells me he cannot deal with the thoughts he has of me being with someone else. (I quit my job and have had NO contact with the OM whatsoever). We both want to recover from this, but I am not sure how to help him get over his feelings. I take all the blame even though after reading some of the information on this site, it was not all my fault. We thought we could recover continuing to live together, but it has come to me moving out. Now, here I am, researching, reading and learning from my mistake and he is out with our bowling team (I didn't go as I could not handle seeing him after I moved out..yet. He got a female employee to take my place)and I wonder exactly how much he really wants this to work. Is this normal behavior for a BS? I am hurting over what I did and he continues with his life, but yet he says he loves me. Somebody please help me understand this....Am I stupid for believing this will even work?

Welcome to marriage builders! Sorry you need to be here, but this is a good site.

JMHO...it sounds as if you both brought a truck load of baggage from your past marriages into this relationship...and it's breaking the wheels off the cart.

Each of you do need to spend some time on your own. You each need to get into some individual counseling and then find a good pre-marriage counselor to go to together.

Yes, you can make this relationship into one which you can both be proud of, proud of each other and overflowing with love and trust. Not easily nor quickly...but IF...big "if" here...you BOTH want to do so...you can!

I agree you're actions were wrong, but then so too were his. I also see major red flags waving as to the question of his having an affair also. Two wrongs never equal a right, one is no worse then then the other, and no one has "victim" branded on their foreheads. Each of you have made some pretty bad mistakes...but you do NOT have to live with them forever and ever. You can overcome them and move forward.

Good Luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....Am I stupid for believing this will even work? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you are not, and by coming here and learning all you can, you are healing yourself. Sure it's possible that in the end it may not work out, but hopefully by that time you will no longer have any regrets about ending your relationship, and you will be free to move on.

Thanks for the warm welcome and positive feedback. I think I finally have him convinced he needs to seek therapy. I am not sure if anyone can assist me in finding a good book that teaches or gives ideas how to learn to trust again. That seems to be his biggest problem. How does he know I will not do it again regardless of what I say. I told him that he just has to see it in me on a daily level and learn to know it. I would do anything to help him get over this, but I suppose he needs to know what that is first before he can tell me.

Thanks again for replying. It gives me back hope, which I just about lost. That has been the only thing getting me through every day lately.