Just curious here, and this really goes out to both those who have had affairs as well as those who are recovering, men and women...

How do/did you feel about seeing your spouse wear his/her wedding band while you were having your A? I realize that it's different for everyone, and some spouses even continue to wear their wedding ring(s) while they are having an affair.

In my case, I was dramatic and took of my wedding band right after discovering the A, hopign to provoke some emotion in W, big mistake of course...Even told her to remove hers. She has never put her rings back on. I, however, have been wearing my wedding band and I'm sure she notices this every time that she sees me, yet she doesn't say anything about it.

I guess what I'm wondering is, if you are/were having an affair, how did it make you feel to see your H/W who was working on the marriage still wearing their wedding band? Was it something that gave you hope for the M as well and showed that your spouse was still interested in saving the M? How important of a symbol was it for you?

ALS

I'm the BS, but I'll tell you how it went with us.

He wore his band the entire time of his A. As as matter of fact I think it was a turn on to the OW. It meant she was doing something forbidden. Stealing someone else's H.

After d-day I took mine off. I told H when I was sure that I wanted to work things out, I would put it back on. You've never seen a man try so hard for the week I had it off. His sole goal was to see me put that ring back on. We both cried when I did. But we both knew the "rules" regarding my ring. When the other spouse doesn't know why the ring is off, or what it takes to get it back on, then it might not mean as much.

Thanks for your response, skyline.

That is sad that your H used the band in that way. One way, it is nice that he still acknowledged he was married, another way, awful that he also used it to further the A. I'm also glad he saw you taking yours off for the seriousness that it was.

I took my band off when my W told me she didn't want to work on our marriage. Right in front of her. It made her visibly sad. And it was wrong and manipulative of me because I knew that in my heart, I did NOT want to take it off, I still loved her, I still wanted my marriage. So it backfired. I hated the fact that I pushed that in her face so much, I still do. So I wear my wedding band proudly now. I love my wife and I am still proud to be her husband, and will continue to be as long as it is official (hopefully it will be forever).

I just hope that when she sees me, and notices I have my band on, she sees that I haven't given up on us and that I still love her and value our marriage. I will never forget our vows, our wedding, proposing to her, and how happy she made me.

Anyone else? Anyone at all?

ALS

ALS- I haven't worn my wedding ring in months. I took it off the day my WW said she wanted a Dv and threatened to sue me. It was at that point that I knew the A would never end with all the support she was getting from her parents.

I have given up on the M and I am following through with her Dv papers. Now I am just hopeful that she will not make it anymore painful than it already is. I can't wear or even look at my ring because I start crying when I see it.

My WW hasn't worn her since mid November. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

STTSI

Well, things are a little backwards for me and my H. I'm the FWS. I wear my rings. My H does not.

My H took his wedding band off once his family knew we were separated. I tried to take mine off one day here, another day there, when I got mad at my H for his lack of desire to work on this marriage. But, I figure we're still married, my goal has always been to save this marriage, so the rings stay on. That, and I'm not about to let the 45 people I work with, not to mention my 250 students know that I'm in turmoil with my marriage. I don't need their probling questions. And, we ARE still married, even if we are separated. I don't want any man to think I'm not married, whether he's a coworker, or some guy in line at the grocery store. My heart still belongs to my H.

Somehow, it doesn't bother my H to take his ring off though. Heck, he didn't wear it for about a year of our marriage, claiming it was because he was doing weightlifting a couple times a week, oh and he'd lost weight and it was loose...blah blah blah. I made him get it sized and wear it after that whole event. But that was something like 4 years ago.

I won't be taking my rings off unless we divorce. I'm still married to my H. I still want this marriage.

So that's my story!

Jen

I never gave a second thought to keeping it on. I did wear it until the day after the divorce.

If you are here at MB "working" on your marriage, why would you take it off? It is to signify you ARE married.

I remembering removing my wedding band and diamond before meeting OM the first time, in person. He later on thanked me for not wearing it.

He never wore a ring, OM, in his entire marriage.

My exH had quit wearing a ring years earlier as it was dangerous to wear, in his line of work at the time.

I quit wearing my ring completely the last few months I was living with my husband and having an A. To me the ring was very important, symbolic. Husband never questioned me, at all.

The rings are in my drawer, my prayer is that someday I'll wear them again. I do wear special jewelry items exH gave me.

After wearing the rings for 19+ years--and now it's been 2 1/2 years without them-- the indentation is only very faint on my finger at this point. I dislike not wearing a ring on that hand, as I'd worn one since age 21.

H_P

Well I'm another BS. I took my ring off when H refused NC and I discussed separation with him. I did it for several reasons--I knew it would get to him (BEING real honest here). I felt so betrayed and I felt like he had destroyed our M, soiled what it really meant. And also because it got a little big and I accidentally flung it off twice in a week. Nothing big and symbolic there, but it was part of the reason.

I still haven't put it back on (it's been about 2 months--I think). And I won't put it on until I have permanent NC (they still speak in passing at work). H knows this. Hopefully I will be putting it back on VERY soon.

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 05:02 AM: Message edited by: lostbuthopeful ]</small>

ALS-

JMO, but if you want to save your marriage (like I did) I think you should wear it. After I asked my XW to move out just after D Day I stopped wearing it but looking back I wished I'd kept it on. A few months before my D became final, I fell into this trap of becoming "visibly single" and I ended up in a relationship that wasn't appropriate at the time. Stay true to yourself always and you won't have any regrets....

I do wear my ring all the time now. I will continue to do so as long as I am married, and I hope I never have to take it off.

W and I used to remove our rings quite a bit when we were married, when we got home from work, due to doing dishes, showering, sleeping, etc...We didn't want to risk losing the rings and they got in the way a lot so we took them off. I don't think that was a normal thing, or was it? Do married couples usually keep their rings on always, all night, during the day, while showering, etc?

I'm realizing now that my ring can really be on all the time. I wear it always, and I have it on at home, at night, when I see my W. I am sure she noticed but never comments on it. I wonder if she finds this unusual considering I never wore it at home at night before. Maybe she gets the point even more considerably now, how much I believe in us, though, considering I wear the ring more than I ever did before. Or maybe it turns her off, too. Who knows. I do wonder why she doesn't comment on it at all, and what she thinks about seeing me wearing it.

W hasn't put hers back on since I asked her to take them off when I found out she was continuing to see OM even though I knew. I told her it was a lie to wear her rings when she was behaving that way. What a mistake that was. It hurt to see her take them off. Again, very poor decision on my part but this was before I found MB and started to understand how I need to deal with this situation.

Thanks for all your replies, they have been very interesting to read.

ALS

I took mine off last night to make meatloaf. Does that count? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I rarely if ever take mine off... even painting and working out. H almost never wears his at home. He doesn't wear his watch at home either. But it's pretty rare that he forgets to wear them when he leaves the house.

I think in married without afffair it depends on the personlity and the comfort level with jewelry in general. (I also never remove earrings, bracelet....)

Glad to hear you're wearing yours. I think it lends a feeling of connection..... but then I'm the never take it off type.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

C

As the BS, I still wear my ring. However, I did ask my wife to stop wearing hers. Why? I asked if she at least had the decency to take of the rings when she met w/OM. She said she did not. I can't bear to look at the rings, knowing that she had them on while she was having sex with OM. Someday, I may buy her another ring, but frankly, I don't think I ever want her to wear the old rings again.

Michael
Me 40
FWW 39
M 19
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC, IC

OK I just have to jump in on this one.

I'm the BS and I have never taken my rings off. My FWW still hasn't put hers back on. She moved out for a month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Before she left I said something like "why are you still wearing the rings". Well I have told her that everytime I see her without the rings on it is like a daggar going through my heart. She won't put them back on. I don't really know why. She has had NC with OM for about 2 months now. She now wants to go to counseling but still now damn rings. I don't harp on it every day but about once a month I mention it again.

I have at times wanted to take my rings off because I actually feel very uncomfortable with her when we go out to eat or anywhere in public for that matter. It is as if everyone is startin at ME cheating on a wife at home when she is actually with me. Ofcourse I keep mine on because if I didn't it would be manipulative as I would be trying to teach my wife a lesson.

Anyway there is my ring story.

I still wear my ring but she has replaced the rings I gave her with a ring the OM gave her. Everytime I see the ring it hurts but I know that one day I will see her without it. God is working.

PB

Whippit - I think you're allowed to take it off when you make meatloaf. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

C - I find that I do feel a better sense of connection to the marriage when I am wearing my ring. I wish I'd never let W see me take it off, and wish I never told her to take hers off either. One of my early rookie mistakes.

Actually since I am losing weight (it's levelled off now) my ring fits a lot more loosely on my finger. Maybe if W and I reconcile, we can go to a jewler together and have our rings resized and polished up, etc. That would be a really nice thing to do, I feel, for both of us.

Michael - Yes the thought of her wearing her rings with OM is tough to deal with, but then again so is the thought of her without those rings on and with OM. I wish my W still wore hers, only because I think she loved her engagement ring and it would remind her of how much that I loved her as well. It makes me sad to think that it's just sitting in a box somewhere. She has told me in the past she could NEVER sell it, which I guess is a good thing, but I worry that might change with time as well. I hope not. I was so happy to put that ring on her finger and it looked so nice there. I truly hope to see it back there someday.

Mark - I know how hard it is for you, especially since your W is home and you are working on recovery. I would hope she would put the rings back on if my W came home too. Maybe that is her final frontier though, perhaps your W needs to be absolutely sure before putting them on. It's a nice goal to set for yourself though. I would keep wearing yours, and wearing it proudly.

PB - That is very hard, sorry to hear that. Keep your faith up and you will be fine. I admire your attitude and confidence.

ALS

On a more serious note ... I've always left mine on. I'm still married, after all. My wife did take hers off for a short while, but I think it was due to some wicked dry skin, as she also took off the cheapie one she got from OM. (If anyone has tended bar and washed a couple hundred glasses a night, you understand.)

I am a BS and I haven't worn mine since DD#2. I will never put it back again.

Apparently to my XWS it meant that he owned me, so he could abuse me, lie to me, treat me awfully and I wouldn't go away. It was like a slave chain around my finger.

I took it off because it once had represented my love, my commitment, hopes and dreams. Now it was something ugly and terrible to see. It gave me headaches when I wore it, that bad it got.

My XWS though forgot to put it on very often when we were just married and after a while. After DD-#2 he stopped forgetting. A little too late for me.

I am planning on pawning mine or throwing it to a pond full of gators. He lied to get me to marry him, that makes his promise and my promise very wrong, since I was marrying a completely different man than the one I thought I was marrying.

We are planning on getting new bands and a completely new ceremony. Because the first one SUCKED, I didn't even say any vows at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So what does everyone think of a spouse who has an affair but keeps the ring(s)? My wife has kept her rings, not worn them but keeps them and tells me that she will never sell them. Does that give a reason for hope, in your opinion? I mean it may just be that she looks at them with fond memories, but I know she could use the extra cash right now but she has mentioned to me a few times that she can "never" sell her rings.

ALS

I'm right there with ALW, I'm asking for a new ring, a new ceremony and everything else that goes with that.

I gave my ring back to my H the day after DDay. The ring is meaningless since he'd been cheating on me for the 2 months prior to the wedding and didn't end things with the OW till 2 months after the wedding. He says he wears his ring at work. Don't know if he does, don't really care. He didn't wear the thing when it counted.
His meddling Aunt is DEMANDING that I put it back on. I'm too close to telling her what she can do with my ring. Sorry, venting.

As for the rings being a sign of hope, I don't see it that way. They were originally supposed to be symbols of hope. I now see them as painful reminders of what could have been. Keeping them seems pretentious.