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Gotta personal issue... TOTALLY unrelated to affairs... need some help processing...
Cali
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I'm kind-a weird tonight , but I'm here about 15 more minutes.
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ergg... this log out/log in thing really irritates me sometimes !!
anyway...Just finished arguing w/ my mom...
All my life I have had a 'superiority' complex thrust on me. People in my life close to me seem to EXPECT me to judge them or think less of them than I really do.
I remember when I was obsessing over a lower grade on my report card than I was used to and my mom actually CONGRATULATED me for it... said it made me 'more' human... EXCUSE ME?
Anyway... I am trying to process some info about my sister that my mom decided I HAD TO KNOW along w/ the 'YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.'
HELLO. Why don't I get an opinion? Why do you expect that I 'won't' accept it? Like I have any choice anyway. It is. She is doing it. Why can't I love and accept her AND still have the right to believe what she is doing is WRONG? (no, she is NOT having an affair w/ a MM... LOL...)
Why can't I feel incredibly sad about the direction my BEAUTIFUL, sassy, EXCEPTIONALLY smart sister is taking her life?
I know I have to accept HER and surrender HER but can't I still believe what she is doing is WRONG?
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Cali, Just goin jump in here and say yes you can accept and love your sister, but still believe that what she is doing is wrong, that is your opinion or your thoughts, and they should be yours. How you get that point across to mom is hard though, I know!!!! Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Hi Cali, I have had this same plea and conversation with Pepper and Bramblerose. I don't know if I can help...but, I think this mother/daughter thing is universal! Have you seen the Ya-Ya's? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You have a right to your opinion just as your mother has a right to hers. It is ok to respectfully disagree. It is normal and healthy. Triangling with your mother about your sister, however is unhealthy. Been there, done that. Don't engage in a power struggle over who is right with your mother. If your sister is an adult, her business is not your mothers business. And is is not your business. You can have opinions, but it is her life to live and learn her own lessons (even if we could tell her a better way to live it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) May I suggest you go pull out your copy of Changes That Heal and read the last section again? As daughters, I think the hardest area to practice "changes" in is sometimes with our mothers. But, we never know what demons they have dealt with in their lives...what molded and shaped them to be like they are. I don't know the details of the situation and this may not help at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Good luck... S. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Thanks Susan... I have been deliberately obtuse because sometimes she lurks her to 'check-up' on me. I talked w/ my H about it in the wee hours of this morning. Part of the issue is the whole 'mother/daughter' thing is out of sync in our family. My mom stopped 'mothering' and I became the 'little' mother. Even to the point of mothering my own mother. I also have the 'seemingly' perfect life... in that I haven't made many HUGE mistakes... (yeah... right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )... anyway they put me way up on a pedestal and dare me to fall... My H had a real handle on it... he said, "It is hard for them because you have drawn clear lines and keep to them." Finally there was some EXPECTATION on my mom's part... she EXPECTED me to be upset... I am... but I am not into the whole DRAMA scene... so when I was voicing my concern, she was telling me she didn't call me to get me angry... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> okay... you just wanted to drop off this info and I was to keep quiet about it... cause YOU didn't want to get angry. That's the point where she asked me why I was being so psychoanalytical on her... and she must be 'stupid' 'cause she doesn't see it the same way... again... BELIEVING that I think she is less than me... so frustrating... I just met it head on... and said that it wasn't true. That she was making what I said to be about her... Maybe I ought to check out Cloud & Townsend's book... I think it's called "The Mother Factor?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Cali
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((( CALI )))
She can't argue with you if you agree with her! Something I do now and then when trying to talk to a >ahem< crazed person who has gotten all worked up.
If she fighting, let her do it in the face of a calm, cooperative person who agrees with her. This is how to agree, "Wow. Those are really strong feelings you have."
Don't prove anything to your Mom. Just be yourself.
How much of what she said to you in anger is actually what she fears might be true in herself?
Right NOW .... give up all the old garbage she said to you as a kid. THAT is what is keeping you from responding in the here and now as a calm, self-confident adult. You want your Mom's approval, as if you were a child. Let that desire go. Seek YOUR OWN approval of YOURSELF for handling a difficult person with maturity and kindness.
CALI .... keep praying for me.
<small>[ February 25, 2003, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Cali .... one more thought .... maybe she did NOT want your opinion, but needed to vent, or release her anxiety about a situation???
NEXT TIME ASK ..... Mom, do you want me to be an interested listener right now, or are you looking for my input?
<small>[ February 25, 2003, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Thanks PEP!
She wants to... but doesn't want to... be upset. She wants to... but doesn't want... to be angry... so when I voice what I did... she was fighting her own fallability and inability to mother now that we are grown. Makes perfect sense.
(been praying \o/ )
Cali
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Cali, Yikes! This discussion is not helping you at all. If you learn a better way of responding it's only going to make you MORE perfect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Then where will your mom be? She won't be able to make ANY daughters behave in the manner she's used to. What choice does that leave her? Personal growth??? Hmmmm... Jeffers
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I know how you feel, Cali. It is frustrating. My mother must just the exact opposite of yours. I once was so proud because I made a really good (perfect) score on an evaluation for work. They did it especially for me so that I could get the most possible raise for a job well done. I was pleased, so naturally I wanted to share the news with my mother. Her response was "oh, that can't be right... no one is perfect. " They know where our buttons are and how to push 'em. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Why? who knows... Maybe that is why God didn't give me a girl.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> We have to learn to keep moving those buttons!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> S. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <small>[ February 25, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>
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Cali, Bumping this up, because I found something that Pepper sent me last year on my birthday that was very helpful. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you play a musical instrument Susan? Do you know about brain pathways? When a pianist becomes very good, it is because a brain pathway has been established by years and years of practice. The brain takes over automatically, and the pianist doesn't have to "think" about playing .... more like let go of consciousness and let the neuronal pathway move her fingers on the keyboard. We develop brain pathways that give us an automatic emotional response .... like you do when you hear your mothers voice. If you hear her voice, your brain chemicals respond in their "usual" way ... and your emotional response is pre-determined. You can use your conscious mind to change the response. it almost "hurts" at first, and feels like you're walking with your shoes on the wrong feet ... but, you can create a different neuron pathway response .... with practice. Pepper </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
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THANKS! Susan,
Guess it's why I have to THINK so hard before I "pop off" @ H, too, eh?
Cali
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