It's one thing to read all these posts from the BS and hear about 'fog'. Where are the posts from the 'foggy' ones? I'd like to hear about this from their POV so that, hopefully, I can better understand and believe.

Most WS don't post until they are "out" of the fog. Anything specific you'd like to know? (I'm a FWS.)

locke, I am he,WS,D Day +- 9 months ago. I dont know if I can help, but ask away and I will see what I can do. Fog, now let me see, this is something I suffered from, yet denied for a long time. I was not in the fog, I was rational, calm and collected. In the heat of the arguement, I never raised my voice, or used foul language. Yet some of the decissions I made, things I said were so stupid, that when I look back I am embarassed at my performance. I tried to justify my actions in my own mind, hence, my W was in bed when I left for work, and still there when I got home. I fed washed and supported my family for 3 years like that, hey, as far as I was concerned the EA was jsutified. In my mind, all I was doing was sharing my thoughts and feelings with the OW. I went from one justification to another, my M was on the rocks, but I was rational, therefore it was my W's fault and I was okay. This is the continueous thought pattern. I was wrong, my M was on the rocks, but my W was only 50% to blame, and nothing justifies an A. If it was that bad I should have got out. WS's think that the grass is always greener, we dont like to make decissions and we know what we are doing.

I wish.

Thanks,guys. My WS found this site (and finding it in his 'history' was my proof that my suspicions were legitimate. Discovery day was 2/13, and it has been one of the most tramatic and revelatory weeks of my entire life).
We've been reading the Harley text and these discussion boards and lots of it sounds oh so familiar. He believes that he and the OW are soulmates and they even discussed that they would be among the few who beat the odds and make it. He doesn't want to tell me this kind of thing, but has been doing a good job (I think)of doing so anyway.
So far I think the hardest part for him has been not calling her, and he hasn't been entirely successful at it. Yesterday was the first real test in that the situation was ideally "call her" time, and I think he did resist. But he came home totally depressed and I get the 'it's all your fault' vibes.
He isn't entirely convinced he's foggy. At least not all of the time. How on earth do I help him to not call?
I feel terrible that he is in such pain, stress and turmoil. I've tried in the past to quit smoking, so I think I have an inkling of what it feels like. If it's even close, it's an all-consuming, can't think of anything else, type of thing. That combined with the feelings of love he has for her makes this seem undoable for him.
How do I help?

Dear Locke:
Welcome to MB. Your WS found this website? Wow.

It sounds to me like perhaps your WS has moved into what is called the "withdrawal" period. Picture an alcoholic going "cold turkey". That is what he is going through. I should also mention that everytime contact is initiated, the recovery and withdrawal process start all over for both of you.

Has he written a NC letter yet? That is VERY important for him to do. You should look it over before it is sent.

My FWH ended the affair almost immediately after DDAY ( well, within 2 days) so we didn't have a whole lot of fog or withdrawal - I know I am very lucky.

Good luck to you. Keep reading, posting and asking questions - it's very therapeutic.

Oh, BTW, are you going to do MC?
DB

I too was the WS. However, I am divorced. I did not want a reconcilation with my xH. I left the marriage thinking that the OM was exactly what I needed, blah blah blah. I was with the OM for almost 4 years and just recently broke it off with him. I had known for a LONG time that I had made the wrong decision in leaving my marriage for him instead of on my own. My xH would have taken me back and was very persistent that I work it out with him but I had no desire to stay married with or without OM. Now that I am no longer with the OM, I can see where the "fog" took over and boy it is rather embarrassing to remember some of the dumb things that I have said or did. My OM showed his "true colors" to me shortly after leaving my marriage. I tried to ignore them and deny that we weren't going to make it, but I could not go on that way any longer.

I have major regrets about hurting my xH the way that I did..he did not deserve it. The whole time that I was with the OM (after my separation and divorce too) I had so much guilt about our relationship that I could not breathe sometimes and had major chest pains due to all of my stress. I can't tell you how good it feels to be out of that relationship and getting on with my life without all of the turmoil and guilt.

My xH still hates me to this day, but I can totally understand why. I truly am sorry for the pain that I caused him and I wish him nothing but happiness in his life.

Initdeep:

My WS seems afraid/intimidated by the OW since he moved out. He becomes irritable before I think he is going to meet with her. He used to get happy/high almost. Do you think she is making demands on him? He has always insisted that he is not in love with her. He now acts as if he is in love with me again. He seems just like his old self. What are your thoughts about this?

Yesterday was the first real test in that the situation was ideally "call her" time, and I think he did resist. How on earth do I help him to not call?
I know he's in withdrawal. That combined with the feelings of love he has for her makes this seem undoable for him.
How do I help? Is there anything I can do to help him succeed?

Initdeep.. Thanks for a glimpse of the fog.. My WH is I'm sure having an EA with a woman in the town next door.(had at least two PA's in other states last year) I think it was broke off for about 4 weeks, but recently, back to phone records erased, missing blocks of time again, and his irritability towards me, I think it's back on- and it seems even stronger. He's put a total wall up against me. We have two young boys ages 2 & 4.. He will talk and communicate with them-- to me- he's just cordial. No love what so ever. No anger--If I try and start an everyday conversation- he just says "whatever" and walks away.. I don't understand. If I give him "space"(watch t.v. in the other room), he's angry. If I touch him- he freaks out.. Every way I turn- I hit a wall. I don't know if just telling him "O.k., you can leave".. is what I need to do, or just stay on Plan A.. Any ideas of how to deal with this fog, depression, any ounce of understanding greatly appreciated. And honestly- is he truly thinking that divorcing me, breaking the kids hearts and lives, making us both broke- but him with the OW is going to make him happy??? Is he really thinking this??? I just don't get it.. Thanks for any insight.

locke - I am what most here would call a WS. Take a look at my thread My Story - opposing feedback wanted for a glimpse. I guess I pretty much mirror what initdeep said. I am starting to come out of it thanks to the help of some people here on the board and my W. I do still feel justified in everything I've done, but it's making me take a deeper look I guess.

The analogy you draw between quitting smoking and quitting the OW is a good one in my opinion. I am trying to get over both right now and neither is fun at all.

If your H can take it, I'd suggest he post his side on the boards here. It can be pretty brutal, but it can be an eye opener too. I guess it depends on what you think his reaction would be. If you think it would turn him off MB altogether, then don't have him do it, but if he can take what he needs from the opposing views and leave the rest, then I'd encourage him to do so.

Oh, I forgot to expand on the smoking analogy like I meant to. The key is that he has got to WANT to quit talking to the OW. Just like you have to WANT to quit smoking before the patches, gum, hypnotizing, or anything else will work.

You can help make him want to quit with your actions. Let him have his time to grieve, but be supportive. Mine was an EA...by best friend for a number of years. When we went to MB and I realized I had to sever contact with her, it was like the death of my best friend. Only worse, because she wasn't really dead, just to me. I don't know if that is going to make any sense at all to BS's, but that's how I felt at the time.

Hope that helps.

Thanks guys. Both of us have been reading the discussion boards and both of us posted for the first time today. Today has been a very good day for us. The best yet from the 'withdrawal' pov and from the pov that we seem to be doing a good job of meeting in the middle of our relationship. Need for change on both sides, and strong feelings for each other. I actually believe we'll be better than okay sooner than I would have expected a week ago. That's today. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Mimi,
Without being the prophet of doom, dont trust him. I was a very moral person, I have firm beliefs on right and wrong, telling lies is wrong, yet I became quite good at it. I would act " in love" with my W, so she was not suspicious, and didnt give me a hard time. I would say the words, without meaning them. I was kind, and thoughtful, I brought small gifts home, and called regularly during work hours. Having kept her happy at home, I was free to converse with whom I pleased. Be very careful of the man, if his A is out in the open and she is threatening, it can only mean one of two things. He is lieing and scared you will find out, or he hasnt told you the whole truth, ie, he is lieing and scared you will find out. I know, I was there.

2boysmom.
I would say, if it broke off a few weeks ago, and his behavior is this, then she(OW) probably did the breaking. This sounds a bit like Fog to me, and yes, he will be thinking divorce, sorry, but it is true. He will be feeling lost, and alone if the OW broke it off. He will think that there cannot be happiness in his life without her, and his actions and words will reflect this.
As far as advise goes, be around for him, but dont put up with anything you wouldnt normally. Let him know you are there for him, and I know this is the hard part, but try to make it easy for him to talk to you. Make sure that he knows the boundries of what you will do, but that if he sticks within those boundries, you will be there for him.

Regards

Hi there, I would say leave him also but, I really cant say that.

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 05:32 AM: Message edited by: angleyez ]</small>

Angleyez

I am not sure what happened to the rest of your post. As I said earlier, WS lie a lot. And if you are finding toys that you have not used with your H, be very careful. Ask him, and if you dont believe his answer as him again. Remember what he says the first time and compare it to his second answer. His stories may not match and you will be able to confront him with the lies.
Gee I sound awful today. I am not normally this cynical, or critical.

Regards

i erased it becuase I told my boyfriend I wouldn't do this. I have asked him and he tells me the same story over and over. I just don't know how to deal with it or get past it. I'm a very sexual person and when I met him he wasn't. I entered alot of different things into our relationship and I don't know if that was a mistake.

This isn't a reply just a quick question. how do i know what all the WS and so on stand for?