I met with SH yesterday morning and we decided that I have accomplished all I can in plan A. I have decided to start the legal separation process and go to plan B for real this time. For any of you that don't know I already sent a plan B letter to my WW so this is more of a summary reminder to her.

W,
I want to apologize for the rollercoaster ride I've put you on the last couple of weeks. I know it hasn't been easy and you've handled it well. The time we've been spending together has been fun for me and and I very much appredciate you taking the time to be with me.
I again want to apologize to you for the mistakes I have made in our marriage. I am continuing to work on myself to become the kind of husband that will be able to give you the relationship you've always wanted.
Like I said, the time we've been spending together has been enjoyable to me, but is hasn't gotten any easier. I've had to rethink what I'm doing and I've decided that it's just too hard and hurts too much for me to see you right now. I understand your thinking that if you can spend time with me that maybe your feelings will come back and make it easier to make the decision to work on our marriage. But I know it doesn't work that way. As long as your affair with OM continues you will never be able to open up to me the way that will be necessary to develop the kind of relationship we both want. As long as you let someone else fill the needs that I as your husband should be filling we will never get anywhere. I'm sorry that this makes you feel like I don't want to be around you. That is not my intention at all. I love spending time with you, you're my best friend and I want to spend everyday with you. But I can't while your relationship with OM continues. All it's doing is draining the love I have for you away and I have to stop seeing and talking with you to protect that love.
Friend will continue to be our go-between for anything we have to discuss. I will talk with you about things that have to do with the kids but that is all. Just let friend know if you need to speak with me about them and I will get in touch. When you have decided to end your relationship with OM I would love to talk with you about getting back together also. Until then I will tell the kids that we are going to spend some time apart to figure things out so they won't wonder why we aren't doing things together anymore. This will help me concentrate more fully on what they need so it will work out okay.
I love you dearly but the choices you are continuing to make hurt me very much and make me wonder what you are thinking. In order for me to feel secure about the kids and our financial situation I have started the process of getting a legal separation. The lawyer said it would take about a week to get filed and then you will have a month to figure out what you would like. We can get together at that point to work out the remaining details and compromises we'll have to make. Just let friend know when you're ready and we can set up a time.
I want you to know that the things I would like to have happen have not changed. I want us to be together and build a new marriage that we can both be happy in for the rest of our lives. I am truly looking forward to the chance to make that happen. You are the love of my life and I dream of a wonderful future with our family. Thinking of you always with love in my heart.
Your husband,
S

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

Starman, I'm just a newbie,so don't if you've left out any important details, but I think it's a GREAT letter, very heartfelt, standing up for yourself but still letting W know that you love her. Good luck! I'll be thinking of you.

thanks learnin. Welcome to the board by the way. I know it will be as helpful to you as it has been to me. I discovered this site about two months ago and already feel like part of a family here. It's awesome!

I am not well versed on plan B letters, but I am just curious, does your wife need to know you are protecting your love for her by doing this?

It seems to me that , that could be used as a safety rail for her. She will know you will still love her no matter how much time she decides to mull things over.

I maybe wrong but , someone else with more experience should answer you shortly.

Starman- The letter looks fine to me.

Did SH give you any ideas on how to write this? Also, I assume you have set a limit as far as how long you wil wait for the A to end?

I will write more when I have more time, but it seems fine to me. Maybe in the meantime some vetran MB'ers will chime in.

Good luck, Starman, I will be praying for you.
STTSI

Thanks for the input everybody. SH did help me with the letter and what to include. I haven't really set a time limit on the affair ending because to me this is the endgame. My WW will either come back to work on our M or will file for D herself. I won't be the one to do that unless something changes my mind over time.

The letter is pretty good. Separate the paragraphs. It makes it easier to read than one big long paragraph and you make your point with the individual paragraphs.

1 – I love you.
2 – I apologize for the part I played in getting our marriage where it is now. (give one or two examples – ignoring her on anniversaries/birthdays or whatever.)
3 – You continued affair is causing me intense pain. I cannot have any contact with you until you end it.
4 – If you must contact me about kids, or your decision to end affair, then call (friend) and friend will get message to me.
5 - I love you and know we can work everything out if we both put forth the effort.

In order for me to feel secure with everything that's going on I have started the process of getting a legal separation. When it is filed we will have a month to work out all the details and get the agreement settled. We will have to get together to discuss everything and we can set some time up to do this after you think through what you would like.
Perhaps explain a little about WHY a separation because you then go on to say you don’t want a divorce.

Thinking of you always with love and admiration in my heart.
Leave out "admiration." You don’t admire her while she is having an affair.
Most people like to put this type of stuff (I will always love you) and it sounds good (really romantic and shows great feeling) but if the affair continues, you won’t always love them.

I think it's a fine letter. I agree with Chris though on her points, and in putting the whole thing into paragraphs.

I have a hard time reading any posts/readings that aren't broken into paragraphs of some sort!

It's wonderful that you care enough to come here, and try to save your marriage.

God Bless,
H_P

H_P,
Chris is a HE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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