I think sometimes part of the reason my wh is so angry at me is I didn't do what he thought I would. Once I found out about the A's, he thought I would just go file divorce, kick him out, make him the "bad" guy, and go on.. I didn't.. I said I would never file divorce, I would never kick him out and If he wants a divorce so bad, he has to file. It totally freaked him. It's like he did something "bad" to me, and since I'm not doing anything "bad" to him.. He never gets -uh, what's the word- cleansed?? Can't think of the word I want. Anyway, any other WS feel like this? Like you need punished in order to go forward?

Wel, since you haven't punished him, that job is left to *HIM* and his conscience. It is such a relief and a diversion when you have to protect yourself from an angry, betrayed BS. You didn't give him that luxury so he is alone with his own conscience.

I hear that. I expected extreme punishment; threats and follow-throughs featuring no contact with my kids.

I received something *completely* different. It has radically changed my view--I'm still reeling. Suddenly my wife can't live without me??? How the H&LL am I supposed to deal with that? You mean I have choices and responsible decisions to make??

But then, I'm a newly outed WS. I don't know nuthin'. But at least I found this site.

-Des

D-Day: 2/13/03

Hm...

Well, I'm the BS, and my WW clearly showed signs that she expected to be "punished" or that she'd accept it rather than what she got - which was for me to find this site and start working on plan A. I didn't do well most of the first 6 months or so, with lots of LBs that might have absolved her of some guilt for a time. I think this is what's meant by being set back to square one whenever you LB the WS. I really did have to start my plan A over again, many times.

I still think my W expects me to punish her at times, and when I don't, she shows signs of getting depressed. But others have pointed out to me that she may be finally facing the consequences of her A, because I'm not giving her a target to blame for her depression. I hope so, because I'd like to get on with recovery before I'm too old to move! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But I'm going to try to refrain from judging her, including trying to second-guess what she's thinking right now. I have my job to do, and can only do it well if I focus on my responsibilities as a plan A-er. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

-ol' Qfwfq

It's been a while since d-day for me, so this situation has come and gone for us - for the most part. Right now I think he is so thankful to me for not doing what a lot of women would have done (left)(exposing him to the world)(taking away his every worldly possession)(treating him like a turd) etc. He has a new found respect for my maturity, my durability, and my copability during terrible situations.

On D-day and for the following 3 weeks or so, he begged me to hit him, hurt him, let my anger out on him in some form of punishment. I think this may stem back to his upbringing where punishments for doing bad things were in the form of corporal punishment. (spankings). Once the spanking occurred, the parents "forgave" the offense and it was possible to forget it and move on. Which is what he wanted to do - forget it and move on. But he found out that real life is not always that easy. That transgressions have effects above and beyond being spanked. He even preceded to beat himself on the head with a flashlight in order to punish himself since I wouldn't do it. That shows how frustrated he was at not knowing how to resolve the situation.

He finally moved past this point to a much more mature level of handling the situation. Instead of looking for punishment, he began looking for remedies. Ways to "make up for it" and ways to prevent it in the future. So far, so good.

2boysmom,

My wife expected me to toss her out on D-Day. Like you I was determined not to quit either, that was her choice. My wife told me that her anger with me came from the fact that I disrupted her fantasy world and made it her decision to stay or go. She was looking for a simple excuse to run. I certainly was not going to make it easy for her to leave, afterall, I wanted her to stay. While engaged in the A's she could hide from making a decision indefinately.

In my case, much of my wife's anger stemmed from me destroying her fantasy world that could only thrive in secrecy.

My wife never looked for or thought she deserved punishment in order to move forward. She says that love and patience is what she needs right now.

I never expected to be punished, but that's pretty much all that I've gotten, punishment. I haven't been treated like an equal to my H at all since d-day, perhaps even prior to d-day. So I've never had the chance to feel the need to be punished. The only need I've had a chance to feel is the need to be treated like a worthwhile person again by my H, and a need to be forgiven.

Jen

Thank you everyone for replying. Melody-- I think you hit the nail on the head.. Qfwfq, I am right where you are.. I haven't been perfect on plan A.. Didn't find this site for months, had a few ugly rage moments prior to finding this site, but now I'm on a firm plan A, seeing a great counselor.. My anger is pretty much gone, I'm focused, and I'm being good to me so I can be a good parent, a good wife, and a good person overall. One day, one step at a time, and I pray to God, that his "fog" lifts, and I have my man back...

I was feeling down, temporary set back, but after reading the last few posts of this thread, I'm feelin better. Thanks, I can do this, I have to do this, I too hope it's over soon...we all need our lives back...