After six years of an on-again, off-again relationship with the OW, can I believe it is finished? What assurances should I have? How do I ever trust him? We have been married over 30 years and are both in our late 50's. This should be a time of our life when we can enjoy future grandchildren, retirement, etc. For over 5 years of the 6 years H has continuously told me his A was over, yet every several months I would discover they were together, either via phone conversations, lunch, car rides, whatever. I wanted so much to remain married I would believe him each time. Then bang, the pain again of rediscovery. Then the lies. Then the belief. Then the rediscovery. What is wrong with me? H is an otherwise good person. What really hurts is his willingness to betray me, his lack of respect for me, his willingness to take the chance I will again find out and go through that dreadful pain again. First time I lost 17 lbs. Every cloud has a silver lining. Now he says their relationship has evolved into a friendship. I find myself believing that up until the point of recalling the reference in the last telephone conversation I overheard, albeit jokingly and not factually presented, of their showering together. They hadn't. It was just a comical comment by H and response by OW. But it was the kind of comment you would not make to a "friend." It definitely connotated a certain intimacy. So, help me, please, decide what to do. How can I trust him? I really want to. Are there any suggestions for a plan of action we could both live with and rely upon. I find myself obsessing about the OW and the whole state of my marriage, and I am rather useless at work and elsewhere. I just want my peace of mind back. Thanks to all who respond. I really appreciate it. p-anne.

I'm definitely no expert so I hesitate to give you advice. Your husband is definitely taking advantage of you and being very selfish. If you are ever going to get rid of this other woman for good your going to have to get tougher with your husband. It would probably help others give you some good advice if you would be more specific about your husbands relationship. Also how you've handled it since it started. Read everything you can on this site and keep posting here, it really helps.

Thanks, Starman. Here's some more info. For about six months in 1997 I knew my husband was having an affair. He even filed for divorce. He told me he no longer loved me as a wife. It was, as you can imagine, devastating. I was sick, etc. Then we attempted reconciliation. He never again admitted to having an affair, although every few months I would snoop, having that feeling, and, sure enough, it didn't take much, and there they were. Mostly phone conversations which were intimate. I never found them together in a compromising situation, although I did find them at the park together. Every time my husband would explain it away by saying he was trying to break it off gently, or some such nonsense. Then a fax was sent to his office from OW: "When can I have my way with you again?" He claimed it was not from her. I verified it was. Then a card "I love you" from her. He admitted at one time in the past he felt he loved her, but that was just a recent admission. One other time early in the affair he said "I really like her a lot." And once when I said "Why?" he said "I can't help it." Well, following those admissions he would try to restructure them by saying he didn't mean that or he meant something else. I always believed him, but I believe now I was a fool and he was just lying all along about reconciling, about no longer seeing her, about wanting to stay married. Of late he seems he wants to stay married more than ever before, but I do not believe it is because he loves me; rather we have a long (32 year) history together and stuff. I think he would rather lose me than his house, and I surely will get the house. I just don't know what to do. Divorce scares me. I don't want to be divorced. I enjoy being with him when I can forget the OW. But mostly I obsess about her. She is really nothing. Kind of pretty, but that's about it. He says she makes him feel important. I am sure she does, as I have listened to her. Truly it's a bunch of crap, and he is falling for it. Hooking up with him would be a gigantic step upward for her in almost all aspects of life. He just wants me to forget and forgive. I could have done that but for the phone call last December. I really thought it was over. I begged him to be honest with me. I told him numerous times if she was in his heart, just tell me so I could leave. To me it's the repeated betrayal and the deceit that hurts, especially when I was very clear that if he had any feelings whatsoever for her I would leave. And that was at a time when he was unsure he wanted to remain married, so my saying I would leave was no threat. Still he lied to me and continued at least phone contact with her. This last discovery was probably second only to the first, and there have been numerous inbetween. I guess I honestly believed she was gone. I just am afraid if I stay with him it will happen again, and, frankly, one more time I don't think I could handle. I love him. What do I do? He really is a good person and a fun person and a kind person, and I can't seem to understand his behavior the last several years. He could move out. Only did that a couple times for no more than two weeks. He could get a divorce easily. We have had three filed and one is still pending. This is a no fault divorce state. Why does he stick around? He says he is sorry, but I have heard that before only to rediscover the OW. If I could control my mind I would just forget the whole thing, but how dones one do that? Any help would be so very much appreciated. THANKS!

so sorry for your pain p-anne. I know what it feels like to have multiple "discovery" days/moments. Just when you think you can get your mind around it...pow! The good people on this site would probably say to you that your H is going to try to get away with his behaviour for as long as he can. He is getting only cake right now, and he knows/senses how afraid you are to leave your marriage and forge a life without him. I can understand how you would not want to do that...you have shared a lifetime together, raised a family, and now you are getting ready to enjoy some of the rewards of you long years of work.

Theoretically, it would be time to start considering the more subtle aspects of plan A...which are to work on yourself, and make sure you are filled up with all of your needs which are no/cannot be be met by your H. By that I mean friends, interests, activities, work...whatever it is that may have been on the back burner....connect with your kids...focus on you!

And, start to consider what limits you are going to place on what is acceptable for you in your marriage. Start to think about what kind of scenarios you could live with.

I feel your pain bcs I often think I have made myself a prisoner of pain by being very afraid to leave the M...we have 3 young kids.

Hopefully, gradually, you will start to feel good about what you are doing in your life for you, and it will help you think more clearly about what you can do about your H. ALso, and I suggest the book "The DIvorce Remedey" by Weiner-Davis, you may start to see H get curious about what you are up to, and it could set the stage for him getting re-invested in your M.

It's not simple, I know. But I highly recommend that book. Good luck.