Today I have yet again an intense desire to email or call OM and ask him if it was all worth it for him, if his life is as much a living hell as mine is, or if he's enjoying living his little lie (as far as I know, and based on some evidence, his wife still knows nothing). HOWEVER, I know better, and just wish I didn't feel that way.

I go through periods of desperate desire to be with my H, then absolute sadness and overwhelming guilt over what I've destroyed, then anger at my H (for how he treated and treats me), or anger at OM (for making the first move), then I feel sorry for everyone involved, including myself.....not always in the same order....but does anyone know anything about some official stages of grief?

Jen

Stages of grief... (Kubler-Ross on death and dying...)

Denial...
Anger...
Bargaining...
Depression...
Acceptance...

compliments of Cali

Try this one:
Stages of grieving - JTW 2002

<small>[ February 26, 2003, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

This is just a thought Jen,

Maybe it would not be such a bad idea to inform the OM's wife and inform your husband that you did this.
It would show him that the priority you have is for your husband and not the OM. I assume that you did not inform the OM's wife out of protection for him and his marriage. Maybe your husband is saying to himself that you were more interested in protecting the OM than hurting your own husband. Maybe I am off base here but I would think down deep your husband would be pleased by this action for it would show him that you are disgusted with the OM and have no feelings for him for what he has done to his best friend (your husband) and to you and your marriage.
I just think your husband would see this as a positive. I wish you luck.

Jen,

I have a very good friend whose 12 year old son was killed in a car accident. She is a remarkable person and has had so many trials in her life. She says in dealing with all the tragedies in her life...the most poignant obviously being the death of her child...she has learned that there are no stages of grief. She says there are definite times when she is anyone of the "stages" mentioned and some "stages" do lessen over time but she believes as do I that we do not go through one stage finish it and move to the next. Tragedy of any sort is enormous, our psyche can only handle so much at a time. So we seem to handle it in waves. Individuals cope differently...the things we don't cope with as well hit us harder. She tells me all the time it is not that you get to the next "stage" it is that you get to the next day.
I know I cannot think of anything more horrific than the loss of a child. Yet this woman is so open and honest about dealing with all life's troubles. That we all have problems to deal with each day. She never minimalizes anyone elses sadness even though sometimes others, including me, feel unworthy to feel sad after all I have my child. But she has taught me that feelings matter, people matter, and healing matters regardless of how unworthy we may feel.

I wanted to let you know some days it may feel like you are taking steps backward but what I have learned from my friend is every step is a step forward. We will always experience moments of sadness, denial, rage, numbness it is how me deal with those experiences that count.

Peaceful wishes,

ayslyne

Hi Jen Brown. I think everybody is different in how they deal emotionally with these things. I went through all the stages except acceptance at the same time. My mood would change almost hourly at first. Now I believe I've reached the acceptance level. I've felt really at peace for the last four days now, except for the short time after I left the lawyers office today. I haven't felt this good for what seems like an eternity even though I've only been going through this for a couple of months now. I don't know what the average time is for these kind of things but I think I'm recovering faster than most.