Just "cruisin" and found this thread....I found my WH's email, kind of by accident, more by this small voice telling me..."look on his computer". Sure enough, he had a folder FULL of her emails to him, 2,3 4 a day. I was in shock, it was like reading a very bad Harlequin novel...
Even worse, I found some of his to her that he had saved. She was his perfect love, his kindred spirit. Thankfully, I was spared most of his replys to her, can just imagine what else was said. In the emails, they referred to me as a "Stepford Wife", just so perfect...I sat and watched that movie the other night - geez, I thought Katherine Ross looked pretty good!!
Any way, I printed all those emails out and handed one to him the night I found them - he was furious, how dare I invade his privacy!!!
Now my attorney has the copies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

broken,

"How dare you" catch him destroying you behind your back!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Didn't you know that he has a right to the privacy to destroy you?

Linda, I did too. But I would never have known had my grown son not told me his dad went to a site a lot. He had a secret email there and I broke into it, by messing around to get id and passwords. All the emails were there between them and they were talking when they could be free to marry each other! OW married to. I suspect there are many out there that never will have a clue because it's not on the regular screen name, but rather one of the free email accts offered by dozens of companies.
Many of us know your shock and pain.
Too bad he thought you were invading his privacy, just like mine!
How does their brain work to think they're entitled to this kind of privacy? I'll never understand that type of twisted brain!
In my opinion,the only privacy allowed in marriage is bathroom privileges!
And even that may not be safe if they've hidden cell phones and such. LOL
LouLOU

I was talking to a friend when things in my house just did not seem right and out of the blue she tells me her son caught his wife by checking her email.

Well, we had e mail the whole family used and I was the one who used it so I knew there was nothing there...BUT, her work computer was another story. She had a lap top and docking station. When she travelled, so did the desk top so I was not able to check it. It also had several passwords that I did not know. Then I remembered that on occasion, she left her laptop email window "open" when she left the house for lunch, etc. So, all is fair in love and affairs, so I called her to ask her to meet me at the office. I then drove home so I could take a quick glance. Just like some of you, I could hardly stop shaking to hit the print key. I will never forget the feeling. I went to the office, numb, and told her I tried to catch her at home beacuse someone had called me to say she was having an affir and hung up. Of course she denied it, and here I am with a half dozen documnets in posseion and wanting to believe her! What a dunb [censored] I was! Well, another thing I will never forget is the night I handed those to her with a letter saying confess now. I still remember her eyes getting large and black and her viens bulging in her neck..I finlly realized what my mind was trying to tell me...Sorry for belly aching folks....

About e-mailing my H didn't think I was technicaly able to break into his work e-mail.He even told me his pass word! But I was able too. He forgot to deleat the sent file.He deleated all her e-mails to him. Now he has palm pilots, two of them,did you know you can check your e-mail with plam pilots?

Rob.S:

Just to warn you right up front that "snooping" will make you crazy, I just wanted to point out to you that, if you don't already know, you can recover deleted files by running a program like Norton Utilities on the hard drive. And if you boot from the CD and view the files it shows you it can recover within the program itself, there's no record of your having done so on the computer when she uses it later. And if you need to save the files for any reason (like evidence in court), save the recovered files to a floppy (if you have one, Macs don't anymore) and take them with you.

I've done this to verify that my W was telling me the truth about the whens and whats after D-day. It was no fun reading the content, though.

♥ Qfwfq

And there is software that you can install, undetected, that only you can read what has been typed and sent in e mail, and if you like, you can have it sent to another computer where you can read it as its being typed..incredible. And to think just a few years ago, the only way you could get caught is to have your nickers down around your ankels! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I've been thinking a lot about the issue of lies, privacy, secrecy, cheating lately.

My W and I are trying to put our lives back together. She never left, but we're struggling with what our M means to each of us, what commitment means, what the past was all about, that kind of thing. She can't let go of a comment I made at some point in the past, post D-day, where I allegedly called her ("in essence," she said) a "liar, a cheat, and a thief". I got hung up on the "thief" part, but she told me the other night that I said I meant she "stole my life away from me" which must have meant that I felt that she robbed me of the chance to have a fulfilling M with someone ELSE 12 years ago by not DVing me before she started her A with RM.

Now, there's the "liar and cheat" terms. They're labels, sure. They may or may not be accurate, too. They're definitely "loaded words" (ala Peggy Vaughn). So, is there another way to look at this issue without insulting and pushing away the WS? And by doing this, I'm not trying to placate my W by calling her something "better" than what she is, either.

That's where that post of mine yesterday on my 2long/T-zero/Qfwfq thread came in. About the difference between privacy and secrecy. I'm going to repeat a part of it here, hoping that I'm not annoying anybody in the process (because I've posted it about 4 times already on the boards, and nobody seems to have responded to them):

"♠ The Difference Between Secret And Private

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

♣ Private: I believe in reincarnation.
♣ Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.
♣ Private: I got terrible grades in high school.
♣ Secret: I forged my medical degree."

If you think about it, like I did, it's possible to use these terms in describing our WS's behavior without labeling them as liars or cheats. When I did, my W ceased being a villain and simply was revealed to me to have gotten into a crazy situation because she got confused. And once the A started, the confusion deepened and solidified. So now, I view her anger at me for snooping in the past, or wanting her to tell me everything that's said between her and RM as due to her mixing her need to be secretive about the A with her genuine "right" to have the kind of privacy that falls within the above definition.

My W is not a liar and a cheat. She's just confused. ...but that's what the FOG is all about.

♥ Qfwfq

Qfwfq Do you have children? This is why I am still married- three children.Sure I wish my H would have told me the truth,wish he would have left me before an affair.That would have been the honest thing to do...but that is just wishing..

I caught my H typing OW an email....I didn't suspect anything until one evening that I kept going into the room where the computer was. He was working on the computer and would switch windows each time so I knew he was hiding something.
This happened like three times the same nite and one time I caught the first line, good morning my love...he hadn't written anything like that to me in a long time, so I wondered what it was about.
I went in and asked him if something was going on and he finally said yes and told me.

Holding-- I know how if feels, I was pregnant when my H had his first affair.Please take care of yourself, protect your unborn child that is number 1.Do not protect your H,unless it is the best thing for you and the baby.I know how hard it is but think of the baby not the husband.Find some support family,friends,church anywhere.

xmas day 2003 was checking if son was on internet whilke being banned found email to H dated dec 24th at 9:46 I hope you enjoy the holiday too, maybe we will get to see each other soon. Where are those Pics??? Still waiting, thought I would get one for Christmas. xoxoox Merry Christmas ( and a cute little smile face at the end ) yes my limbs went numb shook uncrontrolably and cried for hours alos realized this was in response to him emailing her Dec 23rd Hey you : The attachment didn't make it... I hope you enjoy the Holiday. If we don't get any of the white stuff christmas day maybe I could arrange something..... NICE HUH...but of course he swears he never ment anything was just joking and just friends of course . We are working on our m I still love him with all my heart but some days are very hard still... he swears he only loves me and me alone and we will be together forever .... and never had any intentions of a pa and still maintains they where just old friends , went to high school togther .. innocent he says other than the fact he didn't tell me they where in contact. sorry he hurt me so bad trust is not there anymore not sure if it ever will be but still working and trying .

LM:

Yes. D-23, S-15

Qfwfq

Thanks Q I did(just now) look up some of your posts.I know you are very torn up and I am sure you don't want to hurt your children.Your D knows right? But what does your Son think? My youngest is 14 and she knows what is going on.I think kids know more than you think they do

Dear Mystafied, From what you wrote, it could be that your H has NOT really done anything.Sending a picture to a old high school friend is not any big deal.You may be stressing for nothing at all.Wouldn't that be wonderful if your marriage was really just fine,think about it.

Yes linda it would be but i doubt that is the case just the fact alone i had no idea he was in contact with her is troubling in itself but he also told me he had only been emailing her for a couple of months and it turned to be on and off for almost 2 1/2 years also she had a major crush on him in hs and told him in an email she should have jumped his bones when she had the chance and he has since admitted he was flattered of course and who wouldn't be ... he also stated in one of our conversation in the heat of the emotions that he was kind of glad i found out when i did because it might of led to something more than friends he can see that now.. ( oh and by white stuff he wasn't talking about snow it was meant in a funny ... but sexual way ) and i guess just that fact that all of this was in secret tells me there is something wrong in the m ... so we are working on it ,,, i do beleive it wasn't pa (yet anyway) he has come close to admitting it probably was an ea some needs where being met by her and oh yes she is in her second marriage and he admits she knew i didn't know about their friendship or contact and they discussed our past problems and the fact that i had a hysterectomy this year and her past relationship with her former husband and all kinds of what i would consider private... its just all so hard sometimes ...

Mystafied, I understand.He lied to you.E-mailing for years with out you knowing about it.He was hiding something.Does he still e-mail her?

Bump

linda he has since cancelled his email , and deleted everything he had other emails from her (and others from a hs girlfriend he dated for a year) that i was unable to see or read and he didn't offer me too see them just got rid of it the first chance he got ....he says he will have no contact with either of them but he has email at work and has since opened another private email that i know of and i have the password to it the work one i do not... he also had loaded an instant message program on his pc at work ,, he works 3rd shift don't know who he would be iming in the middle of the night??? he has since said he deleted it not sure if he did or didn't no way to tell I can say he was active on it around his birthday in jan. i also am no longer getting itemized bills for the cell phones and think he may have put it online but can't get in to view it yet ... and also this weekend i found out he has the internet on his cell phone??? way too many huhs?? and q's trust is very poor at this time so everthing seems like something .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know how you feel when you just can't trust.When there is a will there is a way, so if he wants to e-mail women he will.You need to ask him to stop.I am so sorry for what you are going threw..hang in there..