Tonight I had a HS class reunion meeting, I made plans with my H who is living w/his gf. Well my older son had to go to civil air patrol and then my H was going to watch my younger son, and I told my H I would be home about 11. Well at 10 my older son called complaining that I wasn't home and they just got home. I asked him where his father was and he said he dropped off Justin at his sister's house not long after he picked them up. Then I had my in-laws yelling and screaming threatening to take the kids off me and they would call Children and Youth on me. I tried to explain my H was suppose to be watching them, well my father in-law said fathers don't usually see there children when they are divorced that much and going on that a HS reunion meeting was at a bar. And that mother's shouldn't go out at all. But he doesn't say anything about his son doing that and going to get loaded at a bar. How old should a child be to stay home and watch his 11 yr old brother. My oldest is 13 1/2 and very mature for his age. I went to the meeting to help make plans for our reunion that is coming up and saw some friends I haven't seen in a while. I had my cell phone on so someone can get in touch with me, my dad lives 2 minutes away and I was 5 minutes away.

How old is old enough, depends upon your state guidelines. I think in my state a 13 year old can watch younger children. I think an 11 year old can stay by themselves a couple of hours. I am not sure. I know my kids school sends something out at the beginning of the year. I never pay attention to it, because my kids are not home alone. I think my oldest is able to stay home 30 min, but cannot watch younger children.

You made arrangements. You FIL is a jerk, and I know of lots of Xh's that are very involved in their childrens lives. Attends all their functions, sees them more than just on visitation, takes the kids when it is not their scheduled time, because it gives them more time with their kids, and it helps out mom. Just because you are divorced does not mean he stopped being a father.

My husband and I aren't even divorced, and no neither of us even filed yet, because he keeps on saying he doesn't know what he is doing, he left to Christmas night and started living with his gf about a week before Christmas. I couldn't even get a chance to explain the situation to my FIL. My H doesn't always do what he says like picking them up or and tonight he did. I had my father as a back up in case my H didn't show. If my H didn't show up I was taking my older son to civil air patrol and then taking my younger son to my dad's, but my H showed up. I told my H I would be home at about 11, well he wanted to go out with his gf so he decided to take him to my SIL's. I didn't even know he did that until my oldest called me at 10:00 to tell me they were home. When I made plans with my father in case my H didn't show my father was going to bring and stay with my youngest at 9:00 until my 13 1/2 year old got home and if I wasn't home I would be home shortly and my father would make sure they got ready for bed. My FIL yelled at me and said mother's don't go out. Usually when I go out I go out Friday and Saturday nights and I have either my 19 year old come over and babysit or my in-laws. The kids don't even really know my H's gf and has no desire to be with her when they are with him. My H never told them about her and never met her and his gf won't let him come here to watch them. Plus he rarely calls or sees them anyway. Our kids are at the point they don't want to be around him or go anywhere with him.

Can anyone else help?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Goldie,

Unfortunately you have no choice but to seek other childcare arrangements than your husband..and perhaps even your inlaws....

It is not fair...
It is not fun..
You may find yourself temporarily missing out on things

BUT you have no other alternative...
I would do everything in my power to seek protecting my children from any influence/contact with the OW>...

Do not lie for you husband to your inlaws...babble back when they intrude...set limits if you must...but I would just babble or even more confusing...agree with them...
babble something like "well if divorced DADS aren't very involved...what a shame...wonder if the parents of divorced dads are involved...or do the poor children just suffer over and over.??"

I would continue to have your husband visit the children in your home...but YOU should make yourself scarce....be off doing something in the house....basket weaving if need be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but reading a book in front of him like "HOW TO CASTRATE A MALE (bull) IN THREE EASY STEPS" sounds much more appealing!! that is a joke.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Quit expecting anything from your husband...become as self reliant as you can....
You may need to seek seperation which will establish visitation via court....

You must seek control and get in as much control as you can..in great adversity
Strength to you..
ARK

I felt as though I had to try to explain the situation last night to my IL's, but only to get yelled and screamed at in front of people I haven't seen in years.

I understand completely the frustration of dealing with Kids and all the responsibility and hardships that it entails.
Just this morning, after 16 yr.old missed the bus, rode to work with me(late, I work at the school)we argued, I'm tired and cranky from not sleeping all night, have Basketball Tourn. games with 12 yr. old, from 5pm tonight through sunday, have to figure out rides for 16yr.old to get to work in between, and drag a cranky 4-yr.old to all the events, and on top of it have an 18 yr old son who works full time & does nothing to contribute to helping at home, except to make a big mess, sporadic $$ for car insurance, food etc.
Need to do laundry, groceries, toilets, etc....
I'm tired of it all!!!
Days like this, I think, just toss in the towel and let WH deal with the crap. I've been doing it for so long already(H works out of state)
Let him have the kids!
But you know, I love my kids more than anything, and despite the daily aggravation of schedules, tantrums, etc., they bring me more joy than anything ever could.
We all just have to stay tough, dry our tears, pick ourselves up and get through the day, one at a time.
If WH wants to spend his time with OW, playing "rummy & hangman" at his apt. with her girlfriends(mature, huh?)or playing pool with her at the local bar(where are her kids?) instead of raising his kids, then I need to be the adult here.
It's crazy and it's not fair, but what choice do we have.
I'm still trying to make time for myself, get out once in while with NO GUILT!!
As for the kids staying alone, watching siblings, etc. only you know how your kids handle such things.
My 12-yr-old can watch his 4-yr.old sister for "short" periods of time, 16 yr.old can watch both, 18-yr.old is useless,can't depend on him. So it depends.
By the way, considering, showing 18 yr. old the door, time to stand on his own feet, sick of the crap with him.
So, hang in there, don't let anyone "judge" your situation and how you have to handle it. You are doing the best you can under the worst of circumstances.
Someday we will all get our reward, and the WS will get what they deserve. (I know we all hope for the best)
Take care.
Thinkin of changin my name, notice "Just Learning" out there also, with great advice too.

Thanks, it is frustrating and lately there has been some mornings where the kids and I got up late and missed the bus too because of no sleep. Even before all of our problems began I was always the one that had all the responsibilities of the children's wrestling practice, meets, tournaments, dr appointments, etc... I even felt guilty if my H took care of them when we were together still while I went shopping or to the grocery store. He always said his mother took them everywhere. My H has no desire to do anything for them now. He doesn't even know what is going on in their lifes. His gf has 3 daughters and her ex has them not her. She doesn't do anything for them or take them either. So her and my H have it made, but they will be the sorry ones down the road. I made a mistake in the past but I chose to be with my family my H chose to be with the ow. He said I hurt them, but he is hurting them worse by not being a father to them. Then he has the nerve to tell people he wants his kids 50/50. I am the one that is here when they get up in the morning, make sure they get places, make sure they have clothing on the backs, teeth brushed, hair combed, taken care of when they are sick. My H has no clue if they are sick or crying because they are hurting. So if I want to go out on a Friday or Saturday night now the IL's have to make me feel bad.

Thanks, it is frustrating and lately there has been some mornings where the kids and I got up late and missed the bus too because of no sleep. Even before all of our problems began I was always the one that had all the responsibilities of the children's wrestling practice, meets, tournaments, dr appointments, etc... I even felt guilty if my H took care of them when we were together still while I went shopping or to the grocery store. He always said his mother took them everywhere. My H has no desire to do anything for them now. He doesn't even know what is going on in their lifes. His gf has 3 daughters and her ex has them not her. She doesn't do anything for them or take them either. So her and my H have it made, but they will be the sorry ones down the road. I made a mistake in the past but I chose to be with my family my H chose to be with the ow. He said I hurt them, but he is hurting them worse by not being a father to them. Then he has the nerve to tell people he wants his kids 50/50. I am the one that is here when they get up in the morning, make sure they get places, make sure they have clothing on the backs, teeth brushed, hair combed, taken care of when they are sick. My H has no clue if they are sick or crying because they are hurting. So if I want to go out on a Friday or Saturday night now the IL's have to make me feel bad.

Mine have stayed at home alone for a long time they are 10 and 7, I work alot, They are better off alone, than with H. (in the past)(better now) They can cook and clean with the best, its all in the child, some can and some can't. Found this on the site

http://www.childsafetyexperts.com/home/home-alone.shtml

Are your kids ready to stay home alone?
Is It Safe Leaving Your Child Home-Alone?

When is it okay to begin leaving your child at home alone? The answer really is different for every child. In general, children under 10 should not be left on their own, and babies and younger children should not be left alone even for a few minutes. Before leaving your kids at home alone, make sure that they are mature enough to be on their own (even if only for a few hours). Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Is your child at least 10 years old?
NOTE: Please check local laws to be certain your state has not set a higher age limit for children staying home alone.
Does your child feel at all frightened or apprehensive about staying home alone?
Does your child follow your instructions and your rules?
Can you count on your child to tell you the truth?
Can your child be counted on to stay clear-headed in an unexpected or emergency situation?
Can your child calmly dial 911, give their full name (and yours), street address and phone number, and explain the situation?
You might feel most comfortable starting out with short trial runs, leaving your child home alone for 15 minutes or so and gradually increasing the amount of time your child spends alone. Take it slowly, staying within the comfort level of both you and your child.

Here are some measures you can take that will help to protect your kids even when you are not around:

Let your kids know exactly what you expect of them - discuss your house rules.
Make sure you have a list of important numbers where your child can find it. Check out our helpful list, print it and post it on the fridge.
Review basic safety rules on a regular basis.
Discuss how to respond in the event of an emergency situation, and roleplay responses.
You might like your child to attend a Latchkey Kids Program along with a Basic First Aid Course. Check you local hospitals, YMCA or library to learn about programs in your area.
Explain that you expect your child to come straight home from school, and to call you if there is any delay.
Remind your child to never accept a ride.
Ask your child to call you or a trusted neighbor as soon as he gets home from school.
Instruct your child not to enter your house if the door is open, unlocked, or if anything seems unusual.
Remind your child not to answer the door (without your prior approval) - Install a peephole at his eye level.
Instruct your child that he should never let someone at the door or on the phone know he is alone.
Be sure you feel that your child can comfortably handle using the telephone, operate the security system/door, and can safely use any appliances they might be using after school.
Be sure you have a working fire extinguisher and your child knows how to operate it (and you have smoke detectors with fresh batteries appropriately placed throughout your house.)
Plan escape routes and meeting place outside your home in case of fire.
Ask that your child let you know immediately if anything makes them uncomfortable or frightened.

Good "Alone" guidelines.

I was contemplating showing 18 yr.old son the door...
Uggh, he just called me at work, looking for money, he has a flat tire, needs a new tire!

He just cashed a $300 tax refund ck, gave me nothing, has no bills, and it's gone??!!

What to do? Be firm, no loan? I hate being the one that always has to decide what's the best way to deal with kids, responsibilty, etc.

I'm always the bad guy!

This kid has definately paid the price of having no Dad around for the past few yrs. I guess it's time that I stop being a softee, and do what needs to be done....no more money, pay room & board, car insurance, etc., pitch in around the house or hit the road!

Hey, just a thought,
at least he is at work? and set rules now, as apoised to later, you have little ones watching.

love, and prayers to you
sara

And plan a for how long, im stillin it and now i want out,

Hi Learnin,

I see you've resigned yourself to be the one that has to do it all. It's really hard for me too. I have three kids, all teens...two at home. Which is why I'm writing to you.

Last August I had totally had it with my 19yo son. He did work, but was horrible to live with. He would be gone partying all weekend, but show up on Sunday afternoon to sleep unitl work on Monday. I didn't ask him for any money, but he would constantly borrow money from me and not pay me back...I stopped loaning him money after enought of this. He was rude to me, could be vicious to his younger siblings...a total slob, would not even pick up his dirty clother or dishes.

After a particularly bad fight (it got physical, and this kid is 6'7") with his sister where he broke her bedroom door I told him that was it, I'd had it. He made enough money to live on his own and I feared for my other children's safety. He left last August. Moved in with his dad and OW. Has not spoken a word to me since. I send him cards, leave voice mails, sent Christmas gifts...nothing.

I just miss him so much, and I know he was miserable to live with, but I don't know which is worse. I know the kind of truck he drives for work and I find myself looking for him every day. I ask my other kids after their weekends with their dad how their brother is...they say he seems to be getting it together a bit. Jealousy is a lot of it. I have knows my ex-husbands OW for more than 20 years. She was a co-worker long before my ex and her started their affair. I just feel like he is now so comfortable with his dad and this woman - the people that ruined our family...that he has no need for me anymore.

My other kids bring home family pictures the ow takes and they are all happy and looking like a real family.

They just bought a big new home, room for all the kids (mine and ow's) and are planning their wedding.

I'm sorry to go on, I just miss my son and my family and some days I am so sorry I mad him leave. I didn't know he would leave and never look back. I don't want to go back to how it was, with him being just awful to me, but this is really hard too.

Haven't I lost enough to her, without losing my kids to her too?

Sorry, just a pity party day.

Hi Az Allison,

Man, your son could be mine...very similar, including violence(in my face type of stuff), big boy, slob, gone alot, etc.

Try not to beat yourself up, you did what you had to do!! And that's what I'm going to have to do, be the heavy.

Hopefully our sons will grow up, mature and someday realize just how much we loved them and did for them...

If they don't...we have to know that we did the best we could...some kids are swayed by material things, superficial stuff, maybe that's what's happening in your case.

My WH tries to be the "cool" Dad, never the heavy.

My son shows me no consideration or affection(I try!), except when he's looking for something of course.

Anyways, I feel for you, I know it hurts like crazy, I know the tears we shed over our kids.

Come here again to share... I think it helps.

thanks for your kind reply learnin.

i've been coming here for a long time, but find myself just lurking now, since the divorce.

i hope that your husband comes to his senses and soon. you sounds like a good person and you've put up with a lot.

something seems to happen to a lot of men around the twenty year mark...i've seen it here a lot. mid-life-crisis maybe?

all i know is that these kids (especially boys) need a dad. look at the role models they have...is it any wonder?

we will keep trying to be what they need though. and i know it's not only dads that leave, there are many wonderful single dads on these boards.

i just miss my son today.

thanks.

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: az allison ]</small>

Yesterday I went up to my IL's and my FIL was there and he said you know I was thinking it was 95% my H's fault for the other night. He then asked me what is his cell phone # so he can call him and give him hell about everything. I know my IL's will never be the same towards me because of what I did 1 1/2 ago, but they are embarressed of my H, because we are still married and he is living with the OW and does not know what to do. My FIL said he defintly has to make a decision because it is bad for the kids.