As you know, I came back from holiday at the beginning of the week.

I had a marvellous break, and really felt for the first time in months relaxed and relatively happy. Happy in the sense that I knew I was far away from my problems and surrounded by friends that love and care for me, who helped me to enjoy myself and have tolerated the ongoing pain and saga that is my situation.

I guess before I went, all I wanted was to go away, to have some respite, and mentally have a break. Now I'm back, I feel in limbo. I know that at some time (but when), I have to speak to H. He has asked about his belongings that are here. He has a right to have his things. He has also asked about financial settlements. However, when I consulted the Solicitor before my holiday they advised that any settlement should only be made in conjunction with DV because either one of us could come back for more money, e.g. if he won the lottery (or vice versa) I could make a claim. This is irrespective of whether you have a written agreement, which would not be accepted by the court.

I think I also feel that I want to get on with my life. That is partly driven by the fact that I know H will never reconcile, want to address the numerous issues in our M, and that he sees himself solely as the victim, and everyting as pre and post A. Yes, I am driven by that, but also the knowledge that I am not getting any younger, I still would like to have children one day, and that I get lonely. I realised coming back home how lonely I get. I had just spent 2 weeks with 7 people, pretty much all the time. I come home and I work by myself for myself at home, and live by myself (well there are the cats <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). I realised that I would like to be going out with people (not necessarily in a R), but that I could offer another man something. I can't do that all the time I am married, and in this limbo land.

Next week will be 2 months since my plan B started (9th March). Next week is also my 39th birthday (4th March). 9th March is also a year since I first spent the night with OM - lots going on next week. The following week, I need to speak to H. I think I need and want to move on. I miss H, but I miss friends that I'm not in touch with as much as I'd like to be, I miss OM still, and it still makes me uncomfortable and cross with myself that it is still there.

But I know my M is over, and I know I need to move on. This doesn't mean that if H were to come back, agree to MC, admit his part in the problems that were in our M and actively want to work on things (plus the major issue of forgiving me), that I wouldn't speak with him. Oh, hang on, I just saw a pig flying past my window....... Yeah, it's that unlikely. I have lived the last 8 months of my life in pain, with shame and regret, and in a turmoil that I would never wish on anyone. It is time to move forward and live my life - a whole life, not the part life I have been living. I wish things could have been different and that it would have been with H, but it will never happen, and that will always be an extremely sad thing for me - one that I will always live with.

Lisa

LIsa,
you chose plan B as your husband was disrespctful and refused to engage in meaningful R-talk; now, he lived for 2 months on his own and surely had time to think things over. next couple of weeks are important for all the anniversaries and stuff - just get past them somehow. you are doing fine.
never mind the flying pigs, sometimes they do exist. for example, what about writing him a brief card, explaining again your reasons for not engaging in contact with him, that it's not too late, and that you honestly do miss him?

N

Hi Nick

Yes you are right about H being disrespectful and out and out refusing any responsibility for the issues in our M, but on top of that, he is still seeing OW. As ESD told me, he refers to her as "my lady friend".

While, I would love to send him a note, I know I couldn't face another knock back, which is what would happen. Nick, if there would have been any change I know. I also know this because he sent a note to my Mum thanking her for his birthday card. He would have phoned her if he couldn't initiate contact with me as a way of getting in touch.

I think I need to get through the next few weeks for sure, and then, somehow, someway, I need to address "issues" with him.

Thanks for your thoughts.
Lisa

Lisa,
I so know how you feel. The thought of a future without my now ExH is a future I never thought would be part of my life. I have such pain at what I've lost, and what might have been.

Your words about the cats and being alone really made me laugh. I do have my sons here during the week, but they're teens involved in their own stuff. When they're not here, I think , "Oh, I get to go home to my cats--just like the pathetic ladies we read about in novels." I should say, Lisa, I DID feel that way. Now I feel more relaxed with it, and being alone.

I was all alone here with my cats on Christmas Eve, until I fetched my daughter in the late evening. It is an adjustment, but you get through it.

It sounds like you're much more realistic than me about your R with your H. I'm sorry for the pain you're in. Things will get better for you, with each passing week.

These milestone weeks are hard, aren't they? It's natural to think of OM when you're lonely. I remember that when I took a trip in August after ending it with OM I thought of him a lot. It was something about the 'romantic' aspects of a vacation.

Now I don't think of him hardly at all, except in terms of deep regret and remorse. To think I lost a long marriage and an intact family for him and that fantasy. It's simply hard to stomach. (He wasn't a monster, he was a decent man in many ways, but I really didn't 'know' him at all, until he lived near me.)

I didn't mean to go on about myself. Please know that I'm thinking of you. Do something for you this week. I know that sounds cliche, but it will help.

Take care,
H_P

Hi H_P and thanks so much for your support.

Yes, there is still a lot of sadness and pain - as we talked about before, I think the regret and pain will always be there, it will never go, but we can live with it.

But I do also wonder how things would have worked out when H came back from Germany. It would never have been easy, and I think that I would not have been happy with H in the longer term. There were so many issues in our M that neither of us had faced up to. But equally, I romantacise my M as much as I sometimes do OM and the A. Having said that, my M should never have finished in the way that it did, and I take a fair whack of the responsibility for that. Nothing justifies an A.

It's funny about being lonely - it's not something about adjusting to so much - I spent a lot of time on my own when H was in Germany. It's the different feel to it - knowing that I can't just pick the phone up and call him, knowing that we won't meet up at weekends etc.

But you are also right that I can accept my situation for what it is. I was reading someone's thread (can't remember who), about the difficulty of rebuilding if you separate and there are no children involved. Plan B is a quick route through to DV. Out of sight out of mind, rather than absence makes the heart grow fonder, because of course OW is still there.

I think the best thing really to do is wait till all these anniversary dates are out of the way and then call or drop H a quick note to say we need to meet to talk. As I said in my earlier post, I believe I need to get on with my life, and H does too.

Thanks H_P and take care of yourself. I have been trying to catch up with your thread too, but it all takes time!.

Lisa

<small>[ March 02, 2003, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Hi,
I am new, and you don't know me, but your plight makes me think of the stituation of one of my best friends.

Her H had an A and she never could forgive him. They still split and she has moved on with her life...but in a most troublesome way. She has never moved past the anger and rage of the discovery phase of the A. It's like she is still in month/week 1, perpertually. It poisons her subsequent relationships.

Regardless of the wisdom of her choice to move on, without ever looking back, she did herself no favor by refusing to ever look past the initial shock and horror of what he had done (his A lasted 18 months, OW got pregnant, aborted, there were multiple d-days for her).

They had no kids and I think it made it much easier for her to just cut the "pain" out and move past. But it's ironic bcs you really cannot just "cut" the connection or pain out. Whether your H chooses to re-commit to you and the M or not, if he stays in this state of "non-closure", it will really hurt him.

What I am saying is muddled and unhelpful...let me try again. I hope for your sake, and the sake of your H, that H will decide to talk the whole thing out with you. I hope he will let himself see the wife beyond the A, the woman he loves, and see that you are so much more that your A. It would be dishonest of him to you and your M to simply write the whole M off so simply. And, he will walk away having learned absolutely nothing.

I think about this alot bcs, if I decide to go, I do not want to have all the baggage of this with me my whole life. I am glad that having the kids made me stay, at least for now, and get to the bottom of things with my own issues, and my H's. If we split, it won't just be bcs of the dammed A's, which, in a way, would be so darn simple!

Dear Eleanor

Thank you so much for your story and your words. I am sorry that you find yourself back at MB, but as you will know, it is a good place to be if your M is facing trouble.

You are so very right, and I really worry about how this will affect H in the longer term. It was much easier for him to leave home and start a R with someone else than to face up to the problems in our M. My last thread was entitled "H's bitter and angry response to Plan B letter" - and that's exactly what it was - filled with anger and pain and upset. I can never begin to imagine how he must have felt on d-day when he read those e-mails that turned his world upside down. I so deeply regret having an A, if only we could turn the clock back. But we can't, and I know I have done everything possible to try and work out why I did what I did and to put things right with H.

He still blames me for his anger and pain, and I believe you are right - unless he addresses these issues, he will never again be happy in his life. That too makes me so very sad for my actions and what I have done to him, but only he can take control of himself and ask himself those difficult and painful questions. I wish I could have made him face up to those questions, those issues that went unchallenged, but I couldn't. It does make me sad to know that he will never forgive me, and will always hold me responsible for all the problems that we had.

Thank you Eleanor.

Lisa

Hi Lisa,

You hit it on the head when you say: only he can take control of his issues and the part he played in the mess of your M. He WILL carry around the unresolved baggage of this M, and the A, and he may indeed have a very hard time having a successful relationship in the future.

But, don't start taking responsibility for all of that! As hard as this seems to believe, even though you are the WW, I think he has a responsibility to deal with you openly, honestly and give both of you a chance to explain yourselves. If he will not do his part, you have to start to consider that you have really done/are doing your part!

I know you are considering getting in touch with H soon, after the anniversaries are over, and I wish you luck with that. Be patient with him. It took me years (sadly) to get my mind around affair #1.

You make me think so much of the H of my friend. He has had to completely write off his BS...she will have nothing to do with him. He never got the chance to explain himself, or show his remose, or ask for forgiveness, and has had such a hard time forgiving himself as a result. I actually feel sorry for him.

Recognize that you will have to be your own best friend and stop beating yourself up.

Good luck.