I keep hearing this phrase "we took each other for granted" and it is relaly beginning to get to me. My H said that the two of us took each other for granted. I fail to see just what he means. Herer is a man that was a workaholic-after 8 years I decided to stop begging him to stay home with the kids and myself and threw all my efforts into saving for a home all our own. So he had an affair-says we grew apart-took each other for granted. Now I read all these posts and see the same things and I jsut do not get it. I don't feel I ever took my H for granted. Never ever did I stop loving him. All I did was get off his back about him being with me. If getting "comfy" in a relationship is all worng then I don't want one!! Maybe I am blind to what is relaly being "said" but I just do not get it. And after 15 weeks I am still tossing these words around in my head and asking "WHY". Anyone who has some advice please holler my way-I need it!!!<P>thanks a bunch-<P><P>------------------<BR><BR>

Hi Heartache,<P>I'm with you on the getting comfy part. Anyhow, I am a perfect example of taking my H for granted. I could spend a year explaining how exactly I did this, but I'll try to narrow it down. <P>First of all, my H has always been the pleasing type of person, and definitely the giver in this relationship. I guess after a while, I got a little "bored" with being treated this way. Of course once faced with the option of losing this type of person, you straighten your act up rather quickly. <P>My H did, and did, and did some more for me, all without asking for, or getting anything in return. He never spoke up or objected to my behavior, so I thought that I could be lazy and not have to put much energy into this marriage. It runs along the lines, of wanting what you can't have, but the opposite. He just let me walk all over him. Now I know it was only because he has been terrified his entire life of rejection. So, he just kept giving more, and I kept taking. For example, he went to the grocery store while I was pregnant, which was in the beginning of our marriage, and since he never complained, I just expected him to do it always. Of course this wouldn't have been too difficult for me to do, considering I am a stay at home mother, and have been for 5 years. But, even today, he still feels responsible for doing it. And still does, at his doing, not because I "expect" it. Anyhow, he did more than his share around the house and rarely got a thank you from me. Although he's always worked full time, he's been as much of a parent to our son as I have. Such as giving baths, waking for feedings, etc. He never complained, so again, I took this for granted. I got more than complacent. I was pathetically lazy in this marriage. He would, and still does, rub my back nightly, and I never had to reciprocate. He has always bought me presents on a regular basis, whereas I have never done it more than a couple of times. He has let me sleep in every weekend for years, without ever asking to do it himself. He takes my son with him everywhere, often just to give me a break, but I never did it in return. I could go on forever, on how I took my H for granted, but I won't bore you with the details. It goes far beyond "getting comfy", trust me. I took my H's kindness for granted, but I now realize that despite everything, he is truly one of a kind. Although, my friends are no longer jealous of me. <P>Sorry, about not succeeding on the narrowing it down part. I tend to get long winded. <P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

Heartache...<P>You mentioned in your post about your husband being a "workaholic" and you phrased the word in such a way that it was a bad thing. You said that all you wanted was for him to BE THERE and again you made it come across as if he is a BAD, BAD man for doing this...<P>But you DIDN'T mention anywhere in your post about how you lived in a house that he paid for, that he supported with his work... you didn't mention the contributions he made or anything he did that was Positive in your relationship.<P>THAT is what taking for granted is about... when all you have to say on the matter is what the OTHER person does wrong and you NEVER say what they do right. In the end you said you couldn't be bothered waiting for him to come home so you started saving for a house of your own... with what money? Was this while he paid for the house you were living in?<P>THAT is taking for granted.<P>When one side feels they are hard done by and doesn't acknowledge they hurt the other party just as much... THAT is taking for granted.<P>The funny thing about this is that you NEVER see yourself doing it until it is too late... you say you cannot see it... why should you? You have been provided with "almost" everything you needed and as far as you are concerned met EVERY need your husband had.... so you feel you have been hard done by and not taken him for granted.<P>Say something positive about him, the things he does, make your next reply say nothing but the GOOD he has done for you and your children.... if its a small list then you are taking him for granted even more... if its a big list then hopefully the phrase is suddenly clear to you.<P>PS: This is coming from someone very much like Distrusting's H... I have given of my self my whole life and received little in return and then had to endure at the end the person refusing to acknowledge the things I DID do... it hurts so much its enough to turn givers into takers.

Great definition LostSoul. My post reads more like I took advantage of my H, which is sadly true. I should have been more clear on the fact that his giving nature was what made me love him so much. It's just that after I stopped giving in return, he continued on the same route with no opposition. I took this wonderful person's giving nature, which is truly rare, and figured he'd always be there. I stopped noticing how positive this was, and instead started focusing on the things he wasn't doing. BIG mistake, as you all can imagine, or I wouldn't be here. I took the simple things that my friends dream of their husbands doing, and presumed it was what was supposed to be done in a marriage. Instead of being grateful for having someone who was so special, I completely stopped noticing! No "thank yous", no "you're so wonderful", etc. Instead, "you should have done this instead," or, "next time do this a little different". I started nitpicking everything he did. It's hard to explain, but I truly stopped realizing how lucky that I was. When you live with any behavior for a long period of time, you become numb to it. Whether it be positive or negative. It's no different than ignoring a beautiful sunrise or sunset, because it's always there. Not many people can disagree with the fact that we take something like that for granted. What do we tend to focus on instead? How hot it is, or how bright the sun is. It's along those lines. What would happen one day if you woke up and there was no sun at all? You forget how much effort it takes to do things like my H did for me. Once those are commonplace, the only things to stand out are the negatives. And once you get in the habit of not acknowledging the positives, you focus on the negatives. This will shatter a person's self-esteem quickly. This is what I did to my H, and I will forever be sorry. <P>As with all people, they need to feel wanted, to feel special, to feel needed, etc. If you never tell your spouse these things, or do anything to make them feel this, then they are soon to find it elsewhere. It's the premise of most affairs, in my opinion. It's a nasty habit to fall into, and I hope those here who are guilty of it have learned what repercussions can come of it, and hopefully change our attitudes.<BR>-----------<BR>Life isn't a destination, it's a journey!<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Distrusting (edited September 14, 1999).]

Distrusting...<P>You have my attention.<P>You seem very remorseful that you took your H for granted... What was it that made you realise this?<P>I am in the same situation now, I give and get little back, when I ask arguements ensue... no matter how much I get it is taken and she revels in receiving it.<P>I have tried many, many times on here to ask what to do when you meet your partners needs successfully for a long period of time, and they are put back into a state of intimacy but do not GIVE... and the only answer I have got is that I am not trying hard enough<P>I am like your H, give and give again and when I try to think of myself I am punished for it.<P>TO know what it is that made you realise you had something so special would greatly help me

Hi LostSoul, <P>I'm sorry that I couldn't get back to you sooner. We've been busy preparing for the hurricane.<P>Anyhow, I wish I had some truly insightful and magical answer for you on how I came to appreciate my H. It all boiled down to the fact that I was smacked with reality once I learned that he was capable of having an affair. Which meant the complete opposite of what I had believed all of these years, that he'd always be there. He truly treated me like a queen and once I realized that I couldn't live without that, I made a very conscious effort to notice the positives and stop focusing on the negatives. It was shape up or ship out time. <P>When I was in the "he'll always be here" mode, I sadly assumed that I could be lazy and not have to put any effort into the marriage. Once I realized that he wasn't happy with that, I knew that if I didn't straighten out then, he could very well leave me. It would have been easier than the battle that has ensued in trying to save our marriage. If he knew that I couldn't or wouldn't change, then he probably would have and should have left after discovery. Especially since I finally realized how unhappy he had been for the past few years. Once that came out, which is a sad way to alert your spouse to your unhappiness (affair), it was seriously time to straighten out. He's giving me just as much of a second chance as I'm giving him. Although I'm extremely angry and bitter at what he has done, probably more so that I so naively believed that I had so much control over him. But, as I said, I knew how wonderful he treated me, and the alternative was being alone and angry. <P>It's difficult to give and get nothing in return. I know what that is like. He's the first man to treat me this way, and I should have realized all along how lucky that I was. I've been in his shoes before and it's a horrible place to be. I wish I knew what went wrong and why I stopped appreciating him so much. The only thing that I can relate it to, is that "wanting what you can't have" mentality that I mentioned before. Sadly, it's human nature. That could have been what snapped me back to reality and I can only hope that I won't get complacent again. You don't realize what you've got until it's gone. <P>As far as giving so much to your spouse. I am not familiar with your story, but as I told another person here like yourself, you have to stop giving. If she doesn't realize how lucky she is, then you need to back off some. At least long enough for her to get scared. Kick in that fear factor of losing you. Sometimes all that it takes is just once, and you'll straighten your act out quickly. Stop giving, no matter what the consequence is. If she doesn't realize how lucky she is, it's better than for you to continually give and get nothing in return. You'll have no self esteem left if that continues for too long. Give her the chance to live without those things. It's sadly the only thing that will sometimes work. If she doesn't like you backing off, then what would happen? If she left, would you really be that much worse off? Is it better than giving and receiving nothing? <P>I hope I helped you some. I'm not sure if I really answered your question or not, but I hope that I did. If you have anymore questions, feel free to ask. I'm here to help.<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

hello all,<BR>lost soul, i am not sure that you can 'make' your spouse see that they are taking you for granted. I think that has to come from within a person as they grow. They have to be able to look at themselves critically but lovingly. My h admits that there are some things at some times that he took for granted. In other words, he says he failed to see. He has a major problem dealing with all this and it leads him into deep guilt. <BR>He does not feel that I took him for granted, though I know that I did! He is really handy, so I would get real lazy about fixing things when he was home since he could do it better and faster. That is a pretty straight forward example...petty but clear? We all like to be appreciated, and sometimes it is just a little owrd or look that makes us feel that another noticed what we did for them. Yeah, some might say that is sodependent, but I guess many would say it is courteous? It is kind and loving.<BR>Heartache, it is really hard to understand but that may be because we all sort of look at it differently? Some may think that not thanking another for cooking the evening meal is being taken for granted. But another may feel it is nothing. It really is in the positive. You have to notice the good things and minimize the negative. We learn this as we parent but we sure forget it with grown ups.

Lost Soul-I feel like I need to post again-just to set the record straight. I didn't realize what I said in my original post could be taken so out of whack. I never meant to sound angry about the fact that my H is a workaholic. What I didn't add was that he has worked hours and hours and hours since we originally met and married-two jobs for a long time. If one of the kids had a birthday aprty or if it ws a haoliday or if we had plans to do something already it didn't matter. Let the old boss call him and want him pronto and bang H was gone. it left me with a very distinct impression of who the heck was more important (do I need to clarify that I didn't think it was the kids or myself).<BR>What I really wanted to know was "how come I never felt like I ws taking H for granted and why does H think I was" ? Why did H feel as though I no longer needed or loved him when all I did was get out of his face. H and I do not fight-we are extremely compatible and just for the record I love him more than life itself and always have and always will. Never ever have I thought of life without him. This is what I was grasping at I suppose-how could he possibly think he needed to have an affair? with my "best" (not) friend? Why did she flirt with him and why did he flirt back? I can't stop wanting to know why he felt he needed to go elsehwere for sex-and how he screw around with my friend-and his friend too for that matter. My heart aches (hence the nick) with the grief this has caused me. I know I won't ever be the same. I feel as though I had to have done something wrong for him to stray and yet I can't remember any incident big or little that would ahve made him wander. I do know that the attention given him by the OW was flattering to him-most all of us like to know someone out there-especially those we last expect-find something attractive about us. But why ruin a perfectly good marriage and a so called great friendship ? How I want to stop wondering but herre it is 15 weeks after finding out and I want to know-more than ever.<BR>Anyhow-all this rambling is giving me a headache-that will be my next nickname. I jsut felt I had to set things right-i felt super defensive when I red that LS thought I somehow made working sound bad.<P>Thanks for listening-<P>*heartache*<P>