OK, I have just come back from lunch with H. Do not have the peace or hopefullness I was hoping to find. Please read earlier post on venting.

I think I have come to the point of a "no contact" situation. Not a Plan B, but a backing off for me.

Up till now, I have made all the advances, and H has responded but has told me not to push. I think I am pushing even though I have tried not to.

Lunch was pleasant, but didn't get any of the good vibes I've been feeling from him. Don't know what is going on with OW and him, but believe he is still living with son. I sense a change in him, but don't know what it is.

Tried to bring up our spending time together next week and got the usual "we'll see, don't push".

When we parted, he kissed me as usual. Told him I probably won't be talking to him over the weekend d/t my work schedule (12 hour shifts both Sat. and Sun. 11a to 11p). Told him I'd "probably" talk to him Monday. Then out it came and I said "maybe we can do lunch or is that pushing?" He kind of laughed and said "I'll call you", but he's said that before and hasn't.

I just said OK (almost said 'when?', but didn't). Didn't say "I love you" like I usually do when we part. (he usually says "I love you too").

Feeling very depressed right now, and feel like now I must maintain a "no contact" until I hear from him. This is going to be very hard for me to do, and I will need all of your support.

I read about this "last resort" technique in one of the many Divorce Busting books I have, the only difference is that we have been getting along, and it isn't like he is really sick of me calling etc. He says he enjoys our lunches together and when he spends time with me here (of course what man wouldn't when he's getting his laundry done and his "physical needs met" when he's here).

I have been so hopeful up until now, but I am loosing that hope. I don't want to call it quits, and I am afraid of what is going to happen now. I really don't believe he will begin to pursue me when I quit pursuing him. Also, I don't want to throw him back into the arms of OW.

Please, please respond!

"I am afraid of what's going to happen now."

Are you in danger?

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Plan A involves you beginning to meet the Emotional Needs met by the OW. That will make up a GOOD PLAN and determine what you say and how you act in your contacts with him. Read about the different Emotional Needs under Basic Concepts on this website or get the book HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS by Steve Harley.

Before breaking off contact, I would try to perfect my PLAN if I were you. That might mean spending time with him to listen to what he needs. Once your plan is perfected, he is likely to call you if you do not call him because you will be needed by him. That's the way I see it.

To add update:

Pepper, no I am not in danger, I just meant I was afraid of how things will turn out, will this be the end.

Right after I posted, phone rang and it was H. Said he just wanted to see if I was OK. Then he said "I love you" first. Maybe he really did notice that I hadn't said it.

I have been very good at meeting his emotional needs I think. I have even told him I understand what he is going through (withdrawal from A) and that I am here to help him through it, and what he is experiencing is a normal reaction.

This roller coaster of emotions is just so stressfull to me. Sometimes I just want to yell that I am the one hurting, I was the one betrayed, but I will never do that.

I will keep being loving and supportive I think (at least that is my thought at this moment).

Mimi, I will be thinking of you tomorrow, March 1, and hope for the best for you!

Well .... do you think your H finds you attractive when you are frightened?

Have you made your better decisions while frightened?

"I will keep being loving and supportive I think" .... may I add something else here??? ---> I will answer for you LOL! "Yes, pepper, you may."

Being supportive does NOT mean supporting his affair. Be very clear on that with him. You want to support him in healthy ways. Loving someone does not include supporting their addictions or self-inflicted wounds. Be careful with your support. Apply appropriate support to things you support .... sounds confusing, I know, but think about it. You'll see. Make a list of things he is doing that you choose to support. And, support those things, and be quiet about the rest (for now).

Besides being loving and selectively supporting healthy choices ... I suggest you become slightly ellusive and mysterious. Do NOT be an open book he can pick up at his convenience. Become busy without him ... an be AWOL occasionally .... and when he asks where you were .... you were "with friends".

Keep posting. This is difficult and you need SUPPORT too!

<small>[ March 01, 2003, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepper

Thank you for your encouragement and pointing out things I am not seeing. I truely appreciate it! Just this morning I was thinking that things can't improve the way they are.

Haven't talked to H since Friday (mostly d/t my work schedule) but he makes no attempt at contact either, so if he's out "doing his own thing", how can we work things out between us.

I keep thinking about the "elusive" plan. Tomorrow I know he will expect me to call at 10am. That has been my standard MO. I'm not going to do it. I will wait to see if he calls me and wonders whats up. He will expect for us to have lunch at 11:30. Maybe if he doesn't call I will call him and say I'm out and can't make it for lunch (even though it will kill me to do so!)

I don't know at this point if A is still going on. He has moved out of her house, but as I have said, he goes to the club where she works (or frequents) every night. He tells me he is home by 10:00 every night, but then he's told me a lot of lies in the past too. I won't ask my step son or his fiance if he is home every night, I just can't do that. H does know I've been talking to fiance more lately, so he may think she would tell me if he wasn't coming home.

But, as I see it, he is not making any effort to spend any extra time with me either, so how can our relationship improve.

You are right, I still need a lot of support, and thank you!