Ok so just about everyday I have been sending my wife a good morning e mail. Most have been just a line are two saying good morning have a great day how are you and the kids doing. That is most of the contact I have been doing.

So today I decided to take it up one step to change my routin. My question is do you think what I wrote was too strong?

I really need someones opinion so I know if I need to back off a little are keep doing what I have been doing.

Heres what I sent :

Good morning on this late winter day
When birds do sing, new boughs do sway
When the air is sweet with impending spring
On the wings of the seasons it does bring
The softness of your skin so smooth
The look in your soft eyes of blue
The gentle rain when it does fall
Reminds of your touch, light and small
Trace on my lips with your fingers stay
Good morning on this late winter day.

I read this and it reminded of the way I used to kiss you on the cheek and tell you that I loved you while you were still asleep every morning before I went to work. I would get this nice warm feeling in my heart because every time I did that you would smile and you wouldn't even be awake.

Dan

So what do you all think.
Danny

It's always good to vary what you do. It's good to try new stuff and see how they react.

I'm all for it. Also, you seem to be coming out of your first fears. You are more steady now, and you think more about what you do. That is good.

How did it go with the counseler? Wasn't that yesterday?

SS

HI SS

The counseler was today and went pretty good. Today was more of a past history getting her up to speed. I will be seeing her again next week and I cant wait.

I am going to talk to her a few more times to see if I like her( so far so good) than I may even sugest to my wife that I would pay for everything if she would like to call and talk to her.

I would like my counseler to hear her side so I dont make her out to be the bad person. Than mybe she could tell me what she thinks about the whole thing.

Do you think that this is a good thing?

Danny

Yes, I believe it is a good thing.

We have warned you about trying to teach your wife. You can however tell her that you are learning, and you can ask her to talk to the couseler to give feedback to help you. In other words, if she doesn't want to "restore the marriage" you can say that you know you need help and that if she talks to the counseler and gives her side you will get more help.

Perhaps that is what you did. Just the fact that you are willing to go will probably help your W. She will know you are serious about wanting to change.

I have seen very few relationships where one person had all the faults. Deep down your W knows this. She may open up and start helping once she begins to talk.

Remember not to talk about quitting if W says no. Just think about it some more and then try something else. You have nothing to loose, your W has already said she wants a D.

That poem was a good thing to try. I made it into a game, every week I would think about what else I could try. I would say " I bet I can find a way to make her smile today." It comes easier as you go along.

SS

SS
Thats what I am thinking right now. Not for me to teach her but for her to help me learn. You see than I can turn around and use it on her. I can be a sneaky little devil.
But more than likely she will say no but you never know until you try.
SS. You still have never told me your story. I am very interested to see what has been going on in your life for you to be so wise.
Just give me a brife summery if you dont mind
Thanks....Danny

I was looking for the story the other day when you asked, and then you shouted for help and I came to post and kind of forgot.

My story is not very exciting. Like Qfqfq said once, I really don't have a story.
Here is the condensed version.
I came to MB in Late Jan. or early Feb of 2002. No A at our house, I was just looking to improve things. I knew they should be better, but didn't know how to make it so. MB provided the tools to a great improvment. That and lots of prayer. I had trouble with LB's, W was distant. Things not bad, but not good. Drifting apart? Not really,( maybe a little) but not really close. I got all the books, have read them through and through. Just finished "Love Busters" for the ??th time.

Now she smiles when I come home from work. She is glad to see me. We are close. Still working things out ( probably all our lives) but close. I was helped mostly by reading others stories, but then one day I ran across a post that I thought I could answer, and have been posting since, trying to help. Not an exciting story, but here I am.
My oldest son is 25 now ( I am 47, married 25 years.) Youngest are twin girls 9.

We have worked through a lot of these things in the last year. Read the books, filled out the surveys. Argued about things, got mad at each other, threatened to leave, all the standard stuff. Probably went years without a great kiss, now - WOW, I forgot how good she could kiss. Perhaps I just tried not to think about it.

Anyway that's it.

SS

WOW SS you were so lucky to be able to catch your marriage when you did. I just wish I had pulled my head out sooner.

Well I havent talked to her on the phone since the whole email mix up thing so I tried to call.

No answer and no answering machine. I guess she is on the net more than likely chating away looking for a date for the weekend. My stomach hurts just thinking about it.

She has not responed to my good morning email yet either. This has me a little worried because normally she writes back telling me everything is ok with her and the boys.

So I dont know. I wrote her a email saying have a good night and that I tried to call. I also told her that I would like to maybe talk sometime this weekend.

Guess I will have to try and get some sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Hey one more thing. Can you look at my other post and see what you think?

Thanks.....Danny

sandcrab,

good poem. I have been quite inspired to write also, sadness seems to do that, huh.

I also try to make MLW smile each day, not a bad approach. Good luck And God bless.

BTW...did I see somewhere you were in the military?? Me and MLW (my lovely wife) are AF.

<small>[ February 28, 2003, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

sandcrab:

"WOW SS you were so lucky to be able to catch your marriage when you did. I just wish I had pulled my head out sooner."

So do I. But SS's story is an important lesson for people like us, too. It shows that we're all human. We all get into "ruts" that can lead to marital ruin. But we can all pull out of this rut even if we appear to have already left nothing but a smoking hole in the ground.

One of the most inspiring things that's been said to me throughout all this came from a coleague of mine. He's 71. I have a great deal of respect for him as a man and a long-time H. I told him several months ago that we were having M problems, but I didn't elaborate. He said that he and his W had problems during their 40's as well. But the thing he said that sticks with me the most was:

"You'll never find a deeper love than an elderly man has for his wife."

I told him that I hope to be able to look at life from that perspective when I'm 71.

♥ Qfwfq

Qfwfq
I agree with you. I am trying to learn everything that I can so I notice the next time when the marraige starts to go sour.
I am trying to figure out what your old friend means righ now. The way I am feeling is as I get older and the sitch get tougher that me and the W make it through. The love for my wife becomes stronger and stronger. So by the time one is as old as he I can only imagin what love he and his W had developed over the years.

d_rose
Thank you for the kind words. I thought it was nice poem too but I cant take credit for it. I am not really the writing type but going through this I have refound my romantic side. So I have been reading alot of nice stuff looking for those words to spark that fire that me and W used to have.
Yes I am in the Mil but Im Army (wish I went AF)in Germany. A matter of fact when the W was over here we lived on Ramstein Air Base. Im sure you have heard of that one...lol...

Well as of this morning (sat morning) W has still not emailed or called. I wonder if she is mad at me or trying not to call or write so I get angery with her. This is so tuff to do, somedays I want to give up but others I want to fight. Right now I just want to get home because I know that if Im home I can do so much good and I think she knowes this too.

Well you all have a good morning and I will see you tonight.
Danny

sandcrab,

How'd you pick that name....bet i can guess. Anyway, I hope that this morning finds you in good spirits. Being apart from the family is rough anyway let alone when "stuff" is going on. As SS said don't let her sense that you have given up on the M.

Consistency and patience, two qualities that I can say I never expected to have, but have made a world of difference.

Keep learning about yourself, the better you know youself the easier it is to let your W know you.

Godbless,
D

<small>[ March 07, 2003, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

d_rose
It wasn't me I swear.....lol.

Well today is a little ruff. Weekends are very hard on me being away from the family. The kids would climb in bed with us for a bit and the dog too then we would all start to play and ruff house. Than me and the wife would kick the boys out and than enjoy one another. Damn I miss her. Those were some special times.

Its funny the things you take for granted. You really never know how much you love your family until you are gone for months at a time. I have been apart way to many times and it still hasn't gotten any easier.

My spirits are a little down right now. Someone posted on my other thread and it kind of made me realize that the verbal abuse I put my wife under was really hard on her(even though I know it was both of us doing the abusing). Maybe she really means that its over. I feel being so far away I have no control. I would love to make her a nice meal. I have already looked into some cooking classes. I never knew how much that meant to her. I guess it is just to late. She keeps saying your timing is terrible. If only I would have pulled my head out of my butt a few months ago. Hell like I said before I wish I would have found this site years ago.

I just wish she would open up a bit. I truly feel that once she sees that single life ain't all its made up to be she is going to want to work things out. But you know what my love bank may be empty by than. Thats why I am trying so hard not to pay any attention to what she says or does. Another thing I am having a problem with is I have no patience. This is absolutely killing me. But it is going to make me learn patience and in turn a better husband.

I am trying to stay positive but with her not giving me any contact at all, its bring me back down.

I hope you all are having better luck than I am right now. Enjoy your weekend.

Danny

sandcrab,

Sometimes when I see that name I cringe. My best friend is named danny also (not OM either).

Taking things for granted seemed to be a hobby of mine. Like you said the small things that most of the time you don't even notice. Hell of a wake-up call some of us get sometimes.

One of the hardest things for me to do , and still is sometimes, is to detatch myself from how MLW was/is feeling about me at a particular time. Emotions are a fickle thing, can turn on a dime.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe she really means that its over. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe maybe not. This was where I got hung up. Sometimes MLW was very positive and I would be making plans for years down the road. Others she would seem to hate me and I would be thinking about divorce. Feelings go up and down. I assumed that i knew why she was feeling or acting a certain way, then reacted based on my assumption. 9 outta 10 times I was wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel being so far away I have no control. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Doesn't matter if you are away or not. You can't really make her stay if she doesn't want too. I tried with my wife and she felt trapped and that just made her want out even more. Maybe you being on a remote(assumption) isn't such a bad thing for your M. Granted it would be a hell of a lot easier to show her things instead of just telling her.

Don't let yourself get to worked up about her not responding to your emails. The "whys" going through your head are probably much worse that the reality.

Think about patience this way. You can't make her read your emails or respond to them. You can't see her to show her that you are changing and you can't go home for still some time. You kinda have to wait, not a lot else you can do. Not getting angry at her on the phone and no LB's. Your wife's feelings, no matter what they are, are her's and are very valid to her.

MLW told me recently that when I backed off a bit and was just focusing on me it took a lot of pressure off her. Just a thought.

Don't know if you are a religious man or not. I turned to God because that was the only thing I had left at the time. That was 8 months ago, I couldn't have done this without Him. I'll keep you in my prayers.

OUT!!
Doug