On January 25th my best friend went to Kuwait for a year (we are in the military). I miss her so much! She is the one who I always bounce everything off of. Although I don't always agree with her opinion on everything (or her me), we really love and respect each other and are friends through good and bad. I miss her so much!

Today is day 2 of no contact with the OM. The last discussion that we had was a permanent mutual agreement. I still work with him so I see him, but we both look away. We are both avoiding being in the same room at the same time, eye contact, etc and it really sucks. It feels worse than if someone died, because I can still hear his voice or hear his laugh or see his eyes. I feel like I'm in a glass house. I can see, but I can't participate. I can't smile or laugh or cry. I am numb. I understand that having feelings for someone other than my husband were wrong, but it doesn't mean that they weren't real. I feel so sorry for hurting people, but not sorry for loving. In the same way that I miss and love my best friend, I miss and love him too. But, it's worse because I don't have the comfort of the telephone or a letter or an email. I have to pretend that we were never friends or that none of it meant anything. I can walk up to anyone that I work with except the one that I want to talk to the most. I am not looking for sympathy. I am sure that someone will think that I am a selfish @#$%& for writing this, but this is grief from deep inside, it hurts, and it's brutally honest.

I am sorry. Someone please tell me how to do this. I feel sick and tired and depressed and hurt. My husband is not happy that I am sad, but he deserves to have a victory celebration, but I want to have a pity party.

Now I need to concetrate on meeting needs and focus on getting back on the right track while at the same time I am heartbroken and devastated by my own choice. I'll be better tomorrow. I just had a really sad day and I am sure there will be more. I just have to get through them.

God forgive me!

WnP
Hang in there you are doing the right thing. I am in the mil as well. Have you thought about taking a weeks leave to help you get through these first few days. You and your H should be spending some good times together to help you forget about OM.
So take care and hang in there and a big HOOAH for you. (Im Army by the way)

Have a great day and remember to smile :-)
Danny

WnP,

First, I'm glad you changed your name. I think this one is more accurate for you.

Being able to bounce off this kind of stuff off of people you can trust is always good for your sanity and recovery. My wife didn't have any one either at first. So she had to talk to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It feels worse than if someone died, because I can still hear his voice or hear his laugh or see his eyes. I feel like I'm in a glass house. I can see, but I can't participate. I can't smile or laugh or cry. I am numb.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W told me that she felt like someone had died too. I used to see her struggle with it everyday. Eventually OM would do things and act in ways that made her realize the she couldn't really be with him. She listened to him as he would talk about the way other women looked how certain features stood out the he really liked. She really started to see him as he really was. He would ahve discussions about how it was ok to look but not touch another woman. ...about how he would look down other the shirts of other women he would play sports with. Then my W started to understand that he lacked to ability to be there for her spiritually. He was not a Christian and therefore wasn't capable of lifting her up in prayer daily, or understanding what tithing was. She started to remember that these things were important to her. She also knew she wanted a man that would not look at other women and secretly wish she was more like them or that they had something about them that he thought was better. She wanted a man that knew she was everything she needed to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand that having feelings for someone other than my husband were wrong, but it doesn't mean that they weren't real.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The feelings were real. And for anyone to deny that is missing something. Your OM was fulfilling needs that you had that weren't being filled by your H. My W figured out that she wasn't in love with OM; she was in love with the way OM made her feel... special. That is why it is so important for you to let your H know what those needs are. He needs to be filling them and you need to allow him to fill them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel so sorry for hurting people, but not sorry for loving. In the same way that I miss and love my best friend, I miss and love him too. But, it's worse because I don't have the comfort of the telephone or a letter or an email. I have to pretend that we were never friends or that none of it meant anything. I can walk up to anyone that I work with except the one that I want to talk to the most.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The range of emotion is incredible. It will start to diminish. Do your best to keep busy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure that someone will think that I am a selfish @#$%& for writing this, but this is grief from deep inside, it hurts, and it's brutally honest.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How cares what others think? Yes it hurts and it is way deep from inside. That is why it is so dangerous to allow ourselves to give others part of us that belongs only to our spouse. It's like trying to separate two pieces of duct tape that have been put together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Someone please tell me how to do this. I feel sick and tired and depressed and hurt.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I felt that way, I had to take some "meds". I don't know if you can do that on your job, but they really do tend to take the edge off.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband is not happy that I am sad, but he deserves to have a victory celebration, but I want to have a pity party.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's sad because he doesn't want to see you hurting. I know this all too well. But that's ok. It will remind him of the things he's done to contribute to this mess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I need to concetrate on meeting needs and focus on getting back on the right track while at the same time I am heartbroken and devastated by my own choice. I'll be better tomorrow. I just had a really sad day and I am sure there will be more. I just have to get through them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is so much wisdom in what you have said here. One of my pastors once told me that there or no short cuts on life's paths. What ever you go through has a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning is usually easy, the end is usually easy, but it's the middle that kills us. But the path still needs to be walked. The good news is that God will see you through and promises you there is a crown at the end.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God forgive me!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has. I'm even willing to bet he's forgotten about it already. Don't let the enemy keep reminding you of the past. You can't change it, but you can learn from it and be better.

I'll drop d-rose an e-mail.

God bless you and give you peace.

Love in Christ.

S&C

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks! I have always said that I was a work in progress, even prior to all of this. I'm happy with the name.



</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, in my situtation, the OM is not a jerk. Neither one of us ever pursued each other, we just enjoyed each other. Ever since we began having feelings, both of us have been pretty distraught. BOTH of us have gone through times of avoiding each other (even before our partners knew). Neither one of us wanted to hurt anyone. I have been very concerned about his relationship as he has mine. Both of us were always analyzing what was happening and trying to give each other suggestions to fix stuff at home. I know what a player is and he is not one. I also know that he loves his ex-fiance'. I have given him books on faith & relationships to try to help. I sounds like your wife's OM was. I am not trying to defend him and I truly pray that he is happy and can find happiness in his relationship. If I ever found out that things were good for them, I would truly feel like all of this may have been a gift wrapped in really crappy paper (for all of us). I know that if he, someday, hears that things are good with me in my M, he will also be happy. I will always have a part of me that loves him, but what I am hoping for is that it will be a love that is in memory of a place that led me to a greater love for my husband. For a while, I really thought that him and I could be friends, but we can't. It's not conducive to the whole recovery thing and the distraction is too big. His fiance' thinks that maybe him and I were in each others lives to fix the problems in our respective relationships. She told him that I must have been pretty fabulous for him to feel that he loved me b/c he doesn't just give that away. Sometimes I have a strong desire to talk to her. So I can tell her that I'm sorry. What do you think of that? Do you think that would make things better or worse for them? The OM and his fiance' are both catholic, but are not currently attending church. In our last discussion, the OM said that they had decided to start going again. That gives me joy. For me it gives this a purpose other than hurt and pain. I really do hope for good things for them. BUT, I am still sad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was/am in love with the OM and for good reason, but I also know that the reality of the situation is not right. I also know that it is not God's plan for any of us. I believe that what he does have in his palns for us is far greater than any of us thought. He's just going to make us work for it first. I'm sure we have a lot of lessons to learn before He starts cutting us some slack.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We had done the needs, but honestly I was not ready to start filling his needs yet. I think that we should probably start from scratch again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really think that we need to have some fun! Doing fun stuff tends to loosen up the tension. Everything has been so serious and blah. We really need to get crazy, maybe race go-carts or go sky-diving or something. We need to share something exhilerating to get the adrenaline pumping again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dude! I need meds even when I'm not in crisis! (JK) Actually, I've been on-and-off meds for years. I'm taking wellbutrin now. I'm going to be OK- I just need to know that it's a part of all of this- it's unavoidable. I wish I could get some hypnosis or something though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you Jesus!


Thank you for all of your support and wisdom. Where are you writing from?
WNP

S&C

I guess I did the quote thing wrong. Sorry about that, I'll try to figure it out later. I'm sure you'll get the gist of it though!

Thanks again!
WNP

Hi,

Love I think not, infatuation yes. He met a need that your husband was not giving. That feeling you have for him will pass, It is like a school crush, cannot wait to see him, tlak to him blalblah blah, by spring it is I am sick of him he is a jerk etc... When a Affair ends in a marriage or move it it dies very quick.

Toyman

Hi, Today's my first time here. I don't know your story, so keep that in mind as you read my reply. Just want you to know I think I can relate to a little of what you're going through. The thing that helped me the most was to remember that I wasn't in love with the guy, I was in love with the IDEA of him. I had to constantly remind myself that he had so many advantages my husband didn't have - mainly, he only had to be wonderful for a brief time, at work! But, obviously living day to day is so different. I also know nothing about your job, but I'm wondering if it's wise to stay, or possible to leave? I never carried my affair too far - just a lot of fantasizing. After we kissed one day, I left and never went back. It seemed like too much of a risk, for some of the reasons you mentioned. I wish you all the best. K.

WNP,

Only have a short time to post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been very concerned about his relationship as he has mine. Both of us were always analyzing what was happening and trying to give each other suggestions to fix stuff at home. I know what a player is and he is not one. I also know that he loves his ex-fiance'. I have given him books on faith & relationships to try to help.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately that is where the problem lies. Yoo see, it is never a good idea to talk to people of the opposite sex about personal problems. Many well meaning people try to help each other through a problem and in doing so end up showing the other person we care. They see we care and the feelings start to flow. That is exactly how my W's A started. She wanted to help a person going through a hard time with his M. He should be sharing those feelings with his fiance not you. And you should be sharing your feelings with your H not OM. If either of you don't feel like you can talk to your S about them, then you need to confide in a person of the same sex.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sounds like your wife's OM was.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No he wasn't. He was a guy that didn't wasn't taught how to be a good H and his W had an A. I don't think he started out to take my W away, but when I confronted him and told I was going to fight for my M and that he he needed to talk to other men about his issues not my wife. He disregarded that and kept pursuing. That is why I have no respect for him.

It's when we share intimate details about our lives to members of the opposite sex in secret, is when we have crossed the line. It's that secret that keeps a young A exciting. It's the common bond they share that keeps them close. And when two people know so much intimate detail about each other and they want to help fix it is when the feelings of love/infatuation get strong. Here is where two people have given something of themselves to each other that God has reserved for our spouses alone.

I'll post a little more later. I have to go. There is good news in what's coming later.

You seem to be doing so well. I am proud of you. I suggested a weekend together alone somewhere for you and d_rose. I did that within three weeks after d-day. It was one of the best things we could have done. I suggest it again and tell him that there are to be no expectations on either of your parts. JUST HAVE FUN!

God bless you.

S&C

Hey WNP,

Just wanted to see how you're doing? I hope things are getting better for you. I know it's not easy. Just hang in there. I know you haven't posted for a few days, so I hope you wouldn't mind letting us know how you've been feeling.

Love in Christ.

S&C

S&C,

I have to bump this thread up and ask this question ...

When you reassured work in progress that her feelings for OM were real ... I find that hard to stomach. I certainly don't mean to put words in your mouth or change your point of view ... I don't have the right to do that, but I always believed that the "feelings" my FWH had for XOW were an illusion created by the enemy, and therefore not real. Maybe this is a way for this FBS to justify what happened so I don't have to face something like that actually might have been real. Nothing from the enemy is real, right? Feelings are fickle ...

Is this possible in your point of view? Just curious and I hope you run by this and get the chance to post.

Sorry to not be more concise, but it's almost 6 here and I have to get out of the office ... thanks ...

sealfan,
Well this post was brought back from the dead. I am work_n_progress's husband. I can assure you that those feelings were and are very real. Was there a little bit of fantasy involved in their relationship? I believe so but the fact remains that her feelings for him today are still stronger than the ones she has for me.

Those feelings were real to her and they certainly felt real to me. She has been in love with him for over a year now, I don't believe that they are an illusion. It is reality, mine, hers and OM's.

I think one of the biggest mistakes a BS can make during and after the affair is to deny the reality of the feelings towards the OP.

It hurts like hell that our spouses felt love feelings toward someone else. But to deny that fact is disrespectful in the extreme to our spouses.

I think that the emphasis on feelings is what got us into trouble in the first place - especially in situations where the WS is the wife. How many women have left their marriages because of "feelings". How many women believe that if their love feelings for their spouse die, that it means that it wasn't real love - and even worse, that if they fall in love with someone else, that its proof positive that the marriage is wrong and that the OP is the true soulmate that they should have married in the first place?

Love, real love, is a decision.

When my husband came back to our marriage - it was because he made a decision - as it seems work_n_progress has - to love me, regardless of his love feelings for another woman.

Because we chose to love, and started doing the things that this decision entailed (ie radical honesty, accountability, avoiding lovebusters and filling ens) our feelings began to change.

Today we feel love towards each other. And my husband has no regrets of feelings of love towards the OW. It took alot of time though!!!

Decisions shouldn't be made based on feeling. Feelings will change based on our decisions and actions that follow through.

bramble,

My lovely wife has not came back to the marriage. When she found out about my A she told me she was relieved that she didn't have to work on the M. she was struggling with her feelings for OM and my A and the deception that went along with it gave her the reason she was looking for to leave.

We have been separated for almost two weeks. There is not much doubt in my mind that she is seeing the OM.

It was hard to watch her struggle with her feelings towards him. I couldn't compete.

It sucks I miss her like hell but....

Sealfan,

Sorry I've been away for the last few days and didn't see your post until this morning.

I don't know if I would use the word "reassured", but I really do believe the feeling s are real. I mean think about it. Anytime you lose something you like or that is presious to you you feel the loss. It hurts. The pain is real. You don't experience that kind of hurt if it weren't real.

Now please don't confuse the feeling with whether or not it was right to pursue it. It isn't. God gives us our feelings, the enemy perverts them and lies to us about what we should do about them. And I believe that the enemy wants us to believe that they are an illusion. As long as we believe they aren't real, we never really understand what our S is going through. If we can't understand what they are going through, then how can we help bring them out of it. If the feelings aren't real then why are we upset with our WS's? Don't we want our S to feel the way they do about us as they feel for the OP? Of course we do. But if it isn't real, then why would we want it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Feelings are fickle ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes feelings are fickle. They come and go. You will never have those feelings of love for your H all the time. Feelings change, that is why you want to fill your H's love bank. So it hits the threshold of "romantic love" toward you. That's why it is possible to restore marriages using the MB principles. But "Agape Love" is not fickle. Agape chooses to to the right thing in a M even when you don't want to. Read 1 Co. 13.

Gotta get back to work. Will post more later.

Blessing to you.

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by d_rose:
bramble,

My lovely wife has not came back to the marriage. When she found out about my A she told me she was relieved that she didn't have to work on the M. she was struggling with her feelings for OM and my A and the deception that went along with it gave her the reason she was looking for to leave.

We have been separated for almost two weeks. There is not much doubt in my mind that she is seeing the OM.

It was hard to watch her struggle with her feelings towards him. I couldn't compete.

It sucks I miss her like hell but....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read her last post dated April 06, and she sounded like she was indicting you for being dishonest with her about your A. How did she find out?

TMCM,
Long story short(kinda)

She hasked me back in Jan after seing cell phone calls to OW if I had an A. I said No. My A was already over and I wasn't going to tell her. Kinda like way2's thread yesterday. I still wanted the M and continued on just like my pre A days...the perfect husband.

FF to Apr 1st, 2003. I found an email address and asked her about it. she told me that she was still emailing OM#2. Just innocen "how are you doing" and I still care about you" type things.

I gave her a very calm honesty speech. As I am talking in my head I am screaming "you hypocrite!!". I should have told her that night but she had quite the breakdown and it scared me. So I decided to tell her the next day. I wrote her an email and told her I had some some things to tell her when I got home from work. That I wanted total honesty between us from here on out. Someone told her about my A before I got the chance.

When I got home she asked if I had anything to tell her and I did. She said she was relieved that she didn't have to work on this M anymore.

The fact that I didn't tell her and others. The fack that I lied initially and then kept the secret from her and played the BS hurt her. We separated 21 apr, 2003.

<small>[ May 06, 2003, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>