Originally posted by asb3pe:
{b]My W is not ready or willing (though she certainly is able) to read through the MB stuff I printed out. I have been very careful not to force it on her (i.e. make a demand), and being that she seems to have sunk into a deep withdrawl, I don't forsee her taking any initiative to examine what has seemingly turned my attitude and my life around (meaning the MB basic concepts).
Is this the fatal flaw in Dr. Harley's method? When one spouse is willing to work at trying to restoring things but the other one isn't? Even Dr. H states that "...not every spouse was willing to do it. So I certainly wasn't successful with every couple."[/b]
This is a very common response from the WS. Don't fret just be patient. The WS tends to change their mind more than they change their clothes. Just leave it in an accessible place, place the stuff to see if she touches it but say nothing. Even when you know she has glanced through it. Be patient. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.
I will be trying to find a marriage counselor this week that we can see quickly, because I really feel like I'm losing her fast. And I feel a great need to do something, and I've been making no headway on my own. We also have other blended family issues, so while I would love to talk to one of the Harleys, I feel like we need someone to sit down with face to face and go over a wide range of things - over time of course.
Phone counseling is great with the Steve or Jennifer. You going to an MC or IC on your own maybe more helpful. Can't make a WS cooperate if she doesn't want to. So don't force this issue. There are other ways of dealing with this. Be open to alternative suggestions.
Right now, all I want is to try and get her to open up and talk again. There was no A with us, just a lot of selfishness on my behalf and EN's not being met. Coupled with her failed first marriage, this was a time bomb ticking and I never realized how powerfully negative our LB had become until it was (seemingly) too late.
But right now, you may not get to do what you want or even think is the right thing to do. Again, just be patient. Let her see the changes in you. If she has insecurity issues, let them show up to her as her issues not that you contribute to them. Sometimes we are harder on the ones we love when it should be to someone or somewhere else.
Just this afternoon (this is our first anniversary today BTW and it is understandably a very sad day and not a happy one), she said to me that "part of me wishes you'll just go away, and part of me wishes you won't". Quite honestly, I'm not sure how to take that, because I have two sides as well - my pessimistic, somewhat depressed side that only hears the first part of her sentence, and my optimistic, upbeat side that only hears the second part.
I am sorry your 1st is covered with such sadness. Let her know that you feel similar but thought it would be more one sided. Have you both taken the EN questionnaire.
Anyhow, I've been so positive about MB since I discovered the concepts, but without her working at it with me - making a sincere open and honest effort to work at it - my changed habits (i.e. no more LB and trying to meet what I've assumed to be her top EN's) and the resultant LB deposits those changed habits are making just don't seem to be working (she tells me it's too late for that when she sees me doing things she's asked me to do for a long time). I'm sure I need to give it a LOT more time to have any effect (our balances must've been very negative), but do we really have that time? Her parents tell me they've suggested to her that "what's six months more or another year to try and make things work?", but I can't imagine her lasting that long, quite honestly. She's really down in the dumps right now, totally withdrawn... I do have patience, focus, and a strong commitment to this process, but I worry that she's like a black hole and the negative things in her mind are going to consume her entire self until she just implodes and disappears.
She sounds very frustrated, angry and confused. Is there a physical reason for this action? Is it recent?
Are there instances like this where MB just doesn't work? Because it seems to me this whole concept is great if you have two people actively working towards the goal - but if one spouse isn't willing to work at it, then the whole thing crumbles into just another good-sounding set of ideas...]/b]
Before you go down this path, make sure all the others are checked out. Don't give up yet. Please be patient.
[b]Thanks for any thoughts on this, it just has me wondering...
You're welcome. Please keep posting.
L.
