My H called me from work saying he has to fly for business. I know he is flying to see OW and that business has nothing to do with this. I said I am going with you this time, he replayed that he'll take me during more relaxing time that there is a lot of problems. I said "why isn't this going to be relaxing time?" He got mad, as he interpreted my question differently. Then I asked if his boss is sending him, he said that his boss is not on this project, how could this be? He is protecting himself so that I do not call his work to ask why he had to fly again. He then said that he is going for an interview there for a job. I said that I will not approve him taking the job, sepecially that OW lives and works there. No way. I said if you want to work on this marriage then it would be inappropriate to accept a job with that company. He is supppose to end contact with OW and not see her everyday.
He said he is comming home and will pack his suitcase, as he may have to fly tomorrow. He is talking as if he would not know for sure that he is flying but I am pretty sure that he already has a plane ticket. Is it March break now in States? Maybe him, OW and kids are going someplace?
My question to you guys is: What should I tell him when he comes home and packs his suitcase? Should I tell him to pack all his things and that I have had enough of this. (As you know he flew 3 weekends in a row to see OW). He is increasing his contact with OW and not ending it in any way.
We went out this weekend, and she called him 3:00 am as if she couldn't sleep b/c he was with me.
Please let me know what should I do this time? He is not stopping this, I feel that I sort of let him treat me this way. He is not respecting me, and my wishes. I told him that I do not accept him calling her etc. He said then don't.
I feel that if I do not set my boundries now, then I just give him more oportunities to do whatever he wants to do. Should I ask him to move out? It worked in Mimi's case.

Please help.

<small>[ March 07, 2003, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

This takes guts!

DO YOU HAVE GUTS ENOUGH TO BE DECISIVE RIGHT NOW?

Take off~~~

DON'T BE THERE WHEN HE RETURNS TO PACK HIS SUITCASE .... leave a lovely note written with affection and kissy kissy stuff .... and say,"I just felt I need some time away to think things over. I am safe. Have a good trip. I'll see you later."

Perhaps leave him a little token of affection, like a cute card.

Do NOT be there when he comes home to take off.

Get yourself a little motel room, or stay with friends .... get OUT.

Thisis..

what do you want...

I mean there are just huge red flags about so much about the situation....

How much are you just brushing under the rug?
What did you say to him about the 3:00 am phone call?
What did he say about the 3:00 am phone call

What does he say about flying for job interviews without discussing the whole issue of a career change...

What does he say about building a new house here...yet interviewing there?

What are you GAINING from him being in the house if you never talk about anything?

What are you losing from inside of you each time he flys out.

Have you done anything to protect YOURSELF financially

I would force his hand...
Tell him that you believe that he is flying to see the OW and it has NOTHING to do with work.
Tell him to take you with him for the job interview or he will need to cancel the interview...

Married people who respect one another discuss such things as job changes...especially if travel is involved.....

It is enough thisis...time to be strong..
Time to find you....
Time to become the person who has no time for such disrepect in her life....
Time to become the woman who is worth way way more than this type of crap...

ARK

Hi This,

I am new and have never posted to you, but you sound beside yourself, and I want you to know that somebody is listening, and that I am sorry that this is happening to you.

I read up on the last thread of yours and all the good advice that people gave you. It seems that your H is really not responding at all to your Plan A. I agree with everyone that says that you still have alot of plan A left to do, since the important part, where you set your limits, make needed changes in your own life, and set about filling up your life in the ways that were missing (apart from your M).

It may be the time to get very serious about setting limits with your H, and the only way that will "work" is if you really are prepared to back up words with action. Start to go about setting up your life in a way that is best for you: get the babysitting help you need, I don't know if you work, but if you don't and were thinking of it, maybe it's time to consider becoming more independant in that way too.

It sounds like you are really terrified to put your foot down with your H, and I can totally understand why! But, think of it this way: Maybe it's time YOU needed a break from this situation. NOT "tossing" him out is not working, is it? I love the advice that goes: if what you are doing is not working, try something else!

I am at the point where I am contemplating a separation, and I think it would be a time for ME, to focus on ME and what I want, and STOP putting all my energies into figuring out how fix my M. Ideally, it would be good to be able to do that AND stay engaged in the M....right? But like you, I lurch from crisis to crisis...and lose myself often.

Anyways, digressions aside, I think your H is pushing you very hard...it's like he's saying "I dare you!"

Time to deliver the perfect plan A, (the missing part about you especially) and if that doesn't work...plan B may be in order.

Pepperband,
Unfortunately, I was home when he came, he went to see an accountant to do our taxes. I can not leave as my infant D will be going to sleep soon, but I will probably not be here when he gets back from this trip. I have to set my foot now. He is pretending in front of all our friends that everything is OK. Well as you know almost no –one knows, just my mom and MIL and his brothers. I sort of told our friends that things are not so great b/w us and one friend said maybe he is having an A, but I did not answer to that. I don’t think that telling our friends would do any good; they are just not that kind of people that would try to help you. Well they are his friends and mine so they would not like to suggest anything to him or me, they just would not want to take anybody’s side. That’s how I feel.

Pepper, last time he left to be with OW, I have sent him an e-card saying that I miss him, and that is not fair that we are apart. He did not open it, as I did not get confirmation saying that he viewed it. Not sure if leaving a card would do anything, he did not even wanted to read his V-Day card.

I am planning not to be here when he gets back from this trip, but I am afraid that he is going to be mad at me for not being home when he comes back. Would this be Lbing then? I did that when he left me home alone for V-Day to be with OW. He sort of was pissed off, but then said that I had a right to not be home. I came back the next day, but my leaving had no effect on him.

Ark,
Well I sort of LB after he got that phone call and he said that I will always bring this stuff up and that he can not be with me, because I am pushing him away by saying things to him.

About the job, he does not want to discuss it with me. When I said no way that he is going to take that job, he said that we’d see, maybe he’ll be working from home. He’ll say/do anything just to get things his way.
I was thinking of calling the person that is suppose to offer him a job, describe our situation and suggest that she does not give him this job, as this would be end to our M.
Is this good/bad idea?

I think he treats the new house as mine only, I doubt that he is planning to live there. Well at the beginning of the A, he wanted to sell it, but I said that I need a roof over my head, we have a baby, so I can’t just live on the street. I feel that he is buying house things and an SUV as he once told me not to worry that I will be set and he’ll help me.

For the past few weeks I was working hard on my plan A, but there were few instances when I LB and I think that really upset him, and that’s why he does not talk to me as much, as he says I use things he tells me against him later in our conversations. I bring them up, questioning him. So now he does not talk to me much. He comes home, eats dinner, sits in front of TV or computer does not talk to me at all, or very little. He never tells me about his day at work, or his plans. I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t feel I have a husband anyways. He is just my H on a piece of paper. I feel he is staying home to cover his [censored], if he had moved out everyone would know something was wrong. I believe he does not want people talking about it. Once he is gone (if he takes that job) he won’t care that people talk about him, he won’t be here.

This weekend he talked to a friend of ours that left his pregnant girlfriend, and my H told me if I heard that he did that, as if he wanted to tell me “you know people do that, they leave when they are not happy in their current R”.

Every time he flies out, every time he is with her, I am so depressed, don’t feel like doing a single thing, I hate him more and more for doing this to me. He does not care at all, how I feel about this. He is just going and that’s it. Back in Dec. our D was sick with flu and it was Christmas break he flew anyways, even though I asked him not to. He is very disrespectful. He takes her phone calls when he is with me, but his cell is off when he is with her. He said to OW, that he wants kids with her and he wants to marry her. He loves her kids and I believe that they love him to. He is a great with kids; all our friend’s kids are crazy about my H. He is always favorite uncle.

See most of OW that I read here about are either going for someone who will provide them financial stability, or they are just looking for fun, well most of them do not sound as “wife material”. My H’s OW has a well paying job, she is apparently a very nice person, lots of people like her, has lots of friends. This is what has attracted my H to her. She was not even sure about “dating” my H, knowing he is married, but apparently he assured her that he wants to be with her. He told me once that he asked her if there is a chance of her going back to her H (she is divorced) and she said no, it’s like he wanted to reassure himself that he is doing the right thing, that she is not going to hurt him by leaving. I mean he is leaving his family for her, wanted to be sure that she is not going to ditch him later.

I know I screw up back in January. Then he was still jealous about me, noticed my new clothes, wondered where I was going whenever I left the house. He cared then about me, now it seems that he cares more and more about her and less about me.

We don’t talk, he pretends in front of our friends that everything is OK, then when we are in bed, he tells me not to touch him (well most of the time now, it used to be different just couple of weeks ago).

I am afraid that if I say enough is enough and that I need to be respected he’ll say then leave me. He keeps saying to me “you are going to leave me”, “this will never work out, you’ll always talk about A”. He does not say anymore that he wants to end A, that he wants to work on M.

I feel hopeless. Is there a chance? Can I save my marriage, even though he acts this way, even though he treats me this way? Did any of you went through this stage? Were your WS this disrespectful?

Thisis...

Setting limits that remove you from disrepectful situations and preserve your sanity...EVEN IF/ EVEN WHEN perceived by the WS as LBing is still the thing to do when called for

Take a minute and look at the irrationality of what he is telling...

He attempts to difuse YOU and act as if his affair is something of the way past that you haven't gotten over...when it is a blatant occurance. Babble back to such nonsense...

His attempts to difuse with not talking are ridiculos as well...even if there was no affair I would have grave concerns about someone being married to a spouse who is so disrepectful that tbey look/fly/interview at other jobs without even discussing such huge changes with you..

QUIT being afraid of LBing.. LoveBusts are disrepectful judgements and attacks...they are NOT protecting yourself from insane requests...

And this whole thought process of 'asking him to move out'....That's all him...it will be his decision based on his behavior.... no way in heck in are you going anywhere...
do not leave him....he would be the one to leave...

Thisis my fear is that you are begining to believe his babble...and that somehow you ARE turning his behaviors on you...and to really grow strong...and really do a good plan A you must believe in YOU....

HE ALONE is responsible for his actions...and his actions like all of us...have consequances...

HANG TIGHT>>>>
I seriously would think about changing locks if he flys out....but he is really just pissing me off...and perhaps others can be a little more level headed than I.

ARK

My H is gone to see OW. He insited at first that this is business trip and I asked how could they send him away without a notice, and I asked if it is his boss that did this. He said that his boss is not on the same project. I guess he was afraid I would call his work so then he changed his story. He said that he is flying there for job interview. I said how come? I did not hear him saying anything about having this interview in advance, how can they book an interview last minute knowing that he has a job here. (I knew he was lying but went for it anyways, but I think he figure it out that I did not believe him). Then I said that there is no way that I will agree to him taking a job with that company in any form (he said he could work from home, travel or move there).
Then in bed he was trying to initiate S@X, but I was really tired and did not go for it, should have as this is one of EN OW is meeting.
He called me from work saying that he is leaving soon, and that he'll call me. I asked him to keep his cell phone on in case of emergencies.
Then I sent him a txt msg saying, that I wish him luck on his interview and that I always wish him well. He called me saying that he did not expect me to say that. I know that this interview thing is bull, I believe he already got the job at OW's work place and he is moving there. I think this trip was to finalize paper work and to look for an appartament.
He then called me when he arrived and asked me "where did we go wrong?" and I said that we were not communicating well and grew apart. He said that this is not it, that this has been going on for 3 years and that it is b/c I do not trust him with anything? This came as a shock to me. He had an affair 3 yrs ago (we were engaged at the time, it lasted 2 mnths, he broke it off after learning she was lying to him). When we got back together I did not trust him at first and we did not talk about A much, as he did not want to (false recovery?).

I am not sure what to think about his comment. He was out of the service area, so we got cut off, I called back left a msg, but he has not called me back. Also, he didn't call me today and his cell is off, even though he said it will be on. He does this every time.

He also said to me that he noticed changes in me but is not sure if I am faking them or if this is real me.

What should I do when he gets home? I know he was lying about having an interview, should I ask him how it went regardless? Should I set my boundries and say that I do not like him traveling so often (every week, plus he talks to OW several times a day, leaves in the evening 3 times to talk to her, even tells me he is going to make phone call). There is no way for NC for now. I don't know what to say to him. He is calling and traveling to see her and I know about it, yet I don't do anything about it. I have not set my boundries earlier and now he is using this. He has no respect for me.

He doesn't say to me anymore that he made a mistake, or that he wants to end it, or that he loves me. He did a month ago, but now he stopped. Does not talk to me much. I feel that he is just waiting to move there and abandon me.

Well he said that he noticed I have changed a bit, but also said that he remembers what I said to him Saturday, after he got that phone call at 3:00 am from OW, I LBed big time so he got really upset.

Should I leave and not be here when he gets back. He was suppose to come home today, but has not called yet. I do not think he is coming home today.
Need your help..please.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

just wanted to bump my post... please respond need your help

thisisnotright. I'm not sure I can give you what you want to hear, but I'd ask him to pack and move out. Do not lie about what you know. do not pretend. Make it clear you know and it's unacceptable.
You may add you do not want to end marriage, and are willing to work with counseling. But don't beg. I think if he had to move out and stay gone, he might start to think of what he is giving up. Right now he has it both ways!
My H lied about a quick trip he had to take too, said they were sending him for last minute crash course in Orlando. I knew better. But he was gone from Sunday to WEd. then returned and took another week away 7 weeks later. Then I found out both trips were to be with OW.
When I found out, he was still in Fl with OW and I called. He returned next day. I made it clear, me or he. But no time to work it out at all with her, It had to end abruptly!
He's still with me! 17 months later.
Your H has been seeing this woman from what I've read every weekend?
I think you've more than endured enough. Now it's time to make him come to a decision without allowing him to hem haw around. Break with OW or leave now!
Just make sure he knows you will be getting an Atty to protect yourself and get the financial support required of him!
I think most WS have a hard time making a decision when they're shopping in two bakeries!
Narrow it to one and leave it be for the time being. The gall of him to try to initate sex with you when he knows you are aware of his A.
You said maybe that was a LBer because she is meeting that need for him. Well, hell, he wants you both to meet that need and you do not have to when he's being unfaithful!
Worry about STD's and tell him so. Do not take his word or hers for it. They'll always say OP is clean. Clean doesns't meant free of disease!
This is about respecting your body since he doesn't!
GRRRRRRRRR. do not allow him back in! Have the rest of his stuff packed and tell him when he gets home to pick it up and move on!
God bless, you're in prayers. LouLou

Lady Lou

Thank you for your reply. I am not sure if he'll care or even move out when I ask him to. I said to him this past Saturday, that if he doesn't end his A, then I want him out of the house. He said something like "whatever". He has no respect for me, and he knows he can do anything he wants as I let him before go see OW. As you know he saw her 3 weekends in a row in February, and I knew about all of those weekends. I simply did not set my boundries then, so he has no respect for me now. I let him go, and welcomed him home with open arms. He plays me every time he goes away. Like the 1st weekend in Feb, he said he is going to work, late and then on Saturday he is going to casino with friends from work. I knew it was a lie so I went to the airport and waited there. He ofcourse was there waiting for OW. He told me to go home and that he wants to break it off with her and he wants to be with me. And what did I do, I let him go with OW, while I went home and spent the weekend alone. I believed him and it was just a lie.

Then Valentine's weekend he bought me flowers said he loves me, but he has to go, as he booked his plane ticket ahead of time. He said he is sorry and that he will end it. Just a play. He went and came home without any consequences as again I welcomed him home with open arms.

The next weekend she came here with kids and I knew about it, and he went anyways. See I made a mistake after mistake, so now he does not care what I say, he does it anyways. I let him do it once and now he does it all the time, I let him walk all over me. I am not sure if I have any power now.

He has not come home yet, and I don't think that he is coming home today. I am planning on not being home tomorrow, when he gets here. See I have not set my foot doen before because I was afraid that he is going to leave for work as of April 1, so I have not much time to work on my plan A. I am so confused, not sure if I understand this whole concept.

Harley's say to keep WS at home, but I think now, that this only applies to spouses that are at least respectful to their BSs and that do want to end their A.

My H I think lost all his respect for me, by treating me like this he is showing that I do not matter. I guess I believed more in his words than his actions and that's why I let him do those things to me.

Do you think I still have a chance at turning things around?
I mean I've let him treat me this way, I knew about his weekends get aways with OW, and yet welcomed him home without saying anything to him. I thought that if I say anything now that I will be LBing.
I read SAA and Love must be tought twice, but I am not sure if I know how to use the approach.
See my H is blackmailing me, saying that he'll divorce me if I tell anyone, or that if I do thins or that he'll leave me. I was afraid so I let him do those things. It only showed that I am week and that is not good. I will not get him back by acting this way, I know that, by I am afraid to act the oposite way as I may loose him to. I feel like this is no win situation.

Please help me...

Have you read the book: Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson? It is good.

Also you need to pull away from him so that you are not being manipulated into enabling the A. It will keep you stronger.

take care,
L.

Thisis...

Time to change YOUR thought process....
time to let go of thinking that anything and I mean anything you have done or not done....lets him off the hook for his actions.

Is there not great irony in you focusing on him having or not having respect for you...when his behavior is nothing else but disrepectful...

That fogged out alien head should respect the fact that you haven't whacked him on the head with a frying pan yet....NOT condoning violence....but come on....

Do NOT seek respect from him...YOU seek RESPECT from you first....

You are a person that deserves to be treated better than this

He tells you don't trust...fog induced psycho babble....so you babble back...
"but dear you make it so easy not to trust you...."

babble back to all of it...he tells you your pushing him away...babble back
"At exactly what point did I push your butt up the ramp to get on the plane the last four times?"

You need to think long and hard about what exactly you are losing...

What you have now is a man that abandons his child over and over again.
What you have now is a man that is so disrepectful he calls the OW in front of you...at 3:00am...
What you have now is a man that threatens you with divorce if you tell anyone he goes off and leaves his wife and child to play house with the OW....

The only thing you can turn around is you...
he will do and be, what he does and what he is...

When he comes home you tell him that you had some time to think...and have decided quite a few things....

Think about what you want in marriage...

Thisis I am a huge huge huge advocate for fighting for a marriage...huge....
And since this guy has placed himself of living in such a fantasy world...I don't believe this is close to being over...

BUT I do beleive the time is at hand for you to set clear limits...

I would seriously consider the following...

packing up all his stuff and taking it to a relatives.
changing the locks on the house.
Do not ask him to leave tell him to...
Protect yourself financially
Stop any more steps on house buying

Those are extreme recomendations coming from me...but the thought of him coming home and staying there while plotting his departure and leaving you and your child is more than I can stomache...and I do not believe you should have to be subjected to such pain...

Part of plan A is doing these things without power struggling and engaging in insane arguements...
Do these things calmly and in control...

It is not a LB to be angry with a husband who takes phone calls from OW at 3:00 in the morning...that is the right thing to do...just try to hold in the explosive name calling...but honest to goodness appropriate anger is NOT an LB.....It is really comical that he got upset with you..for getting upset about that....

Do not let insane behavior become the norm for you to the point that you do not reconize normal acceptable reactions from yourself...
this guy has you caught in the headlights like a deer

He almost has you convinced that he is the normal behaving one and it is you who is acting abnormal...

Thisis you stand at a cross-road..what you have done so far hasn't worked ....time to change you...because you are worth much much more than this....

You did not cause him to behave this way...he chooses to do so over and over again....

ARK

TINR,

Ditto ARK! At this point since you can't keep him home then pull back from meeting his needs and let the OW meet ALL his needs. He may not even realize how many YOU ENs you are meeting.

Big dosage of reality there and you won't have to lift a finger. In fact it may bring some relief. It did for me.

Reading your situation brings back my painful memories. The more I fought the fog, the worse it got. When I learned not to fight it but look for where the fog was thinning out and then go for it, it helped. It was much easier navigating through the fog when I found the thin spots.

So sit down and plan out your boundaries. Have a heart to heart talk with yourself and really find out where your tolerance level stops. With you, your children, the pets, relatives, work, home, etc. See the BS often allows the WS to take advantage of them (I am guilty of this), it has been going on for years so the WS thinks they are entitled to A abuse.

Learning the 'babble' may be critical for you. It will also relieve some stress that you are currently carrying. Ark gave you some good ideas.

take care,
L.

notgoingtodothis. You said you're now afraid to be tough because you may lose him. Do you really think you have him now? what type of life/marriage is this now?
He's using you when he wishes, and having her when he wishes.
You have to stand up for yourself and demand respect. You are not getting it this way because he's going whenever he wishes. The problem is you're allowing him to return with no consequences so he has his little domestic comforts too.
No, its' time to find out for real if he's going to go for good or break it off and stay. But he can't have it both ways because it will destroy you in the process.
Take a stand and dont' back down. State your ultimatums, then shut up. He who speaks first after that loses! Old rule of business negotiations there.
God bless, LouLou

ditto
ditto
ditto
..... the three previous ladies have said what I think ....

what a time saver for me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you try to pull him toward you ... you'll back him into a corner.

Release and become distant ... so he can be drawn to you. You're trying to pull him. Stop.

Thank you all. I think you are right I am letting him manipulate me, and that let to dicrespecting me. I thought that I should just shut up and wait for him to decide, but he is just enjoying his cake with all the frosting and ice cream.

You are right it's now or never. I have to put a stop to it.
He called my cell yesterday at 10:30 knowing I was home, but called my cell left a msg as it was off, (I guess he did not wanted to talk to me), saying that he will be coming on early flight in the morning and going streight to work.
I guess his interview lasted 2 nights?

I've had enough. I made mistakes in the past letting him go and coming back without any consequences. Also, I had a perfect oportunity to set my boundries in January when he moved out. I took him back, as he promissed he's going to end A. Stupid me, I believed him.

This is my plan. I am not going to be home today, will go stay at my parents. Let him worry. Is this a good idea?

Maybe I should leave him a letter saying:
"Dear H. I have done some intense thinking while you were gone. I have tolerated your unfaithfulness for 3 months now, and was naive in beleving you that you wanted to end it every time you went away. I guess I loved you so much that I believed you that you were really unsure of what you wanted. But I tell you dear those days are over. I can not allow you to treat me this way. If you want to go, you can certainly do so. In fact that might be for the best, so I believe you should pack up and leave. It just does not work for me to see you hopscotch between OW and me. You say you aren't sure which one you want? Well, that isn't very inspiring to me. You pledged eternal love and commitment to me on our wedding day, but it seems that you have forgotten that. What we need now is some time apart, I think you should find another place to stay. In the future if you decide to be my husband then we'll talk about it. I make no promises, however. You were my true love and the only one I ever wanted. I only want you for myself and don't want to share you with anybody else.
My hopes are to someday bring our family back together. The process of getting us to that point is up to you. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your actions and commitment to your own personal recovery and healing.
May God bless your days and guide your ways!
I love you BS".

Should I plan B him? Or is this good enough. My writing skills are not so great, so I am not sure if this is Ok. I took some of it from Love must be tough book. What do you think?

The only thing I am afraid of is that he's got the job as of April 1, so if I tell him to leave it is going to be convinent for him. He'll say, but you wanted me to leave, so I left. He'll blame it on me again. I mean he can probably find a place to stay for couple of weeks and then he'll just leave and move to states. I do not have time to make mistakes any more. If I want to save my marriage I have to do the right things now. Please help me...

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: thisisnotright ]</small>

The letter looks good to me. I really think your on the right track here. I'm praying for youto have strength during this time. Be strong, there are alot of people behind you.
SH01

thisisnotright, I think the letter is good.
You say you want to save your marriage, but the issue is you've not got one right now. The way he is living and treating you, I don't think you have much choice but to do it this way.
As long as a WS can have both, they will not make any sacrifices.
He may well move out, or even move across country, but he still has to live in the real world eventually!
I believe most A's are fantasies because they aren't set in reality. If he goes to OW, then reality time sets in. The garden will still have weeds to pull. And the way he's going about this, she doesn't have much chance to LB!
So far they've had the little romantic interludes without the day to day responsibilities.
Time to let them play house and have all the dirty laundry, bills and day to day worries together.That takes a bloom off the rose real quick!
Sure, they may think it's great at first, but the A then turns into a more realistic relationship when it's everyday!
I believe you said she has children. WEll, he's not going to deal well with her children around everyday. Soon he will discipline some action and she'll blow her top! LOL It's true of most when the OP is not the actual parent.
Right now it's all fantasyland. Take them out of disneyland and see how long it last!
God bless and move forward! LouLou

thisisnotright,

Sorry to be weighing in so late. I would have advised you to be 'radically honest' about this trip of his (let him know that you believe that he's going simply for the OW. Ask him to see a copy of his interview itinerary if he didn't admit it). But, of course, without lovebusters.

I read your letter. There's language constructs that I wouldn't use in this situation, but overall, I'd say leave it the way it is. It's not a good Plan B letter, in that it's mostly about him. If he says that he's going to shape up immediately---what is your response going to be? If you need the separation and proof of better behavior---then my suggestion is to separate regardless of his response, but to work together towards a reconciliation, under the guidance of a qualified marriage counselor. If you're willing to take him back if he promises to do x, y, and z---then do so with the knowledge that you've forced him to capitulate, and that this affair may restart (and at that point, you should separate). If you do let him stay, I'd stress that counseling is a must.

And then, the delivery. I personally think it's bad form to leave a letter like this as a "reaction" to a situation. If I were doing this, I'd plan on giving him the letter a couple days (weeks, months---whatever your Plan A reserve is) after the fact. But that's just me...

Regardless of the implementation, I'd say that you're rapidly approaching a Plan B separation. Get your ducks in a line...

Thisis....
I would change some things in the letter...

I can not allow you to treat me this way.
Change that to... I will not allow such disrepect in my life anymore.

If you want to go, you can certainly do so. In fact that might be for the best, so I believe you should pack up and leave.

Try not give him options on this...and DON't give him permission to come later and to say you made him go....
THis..IF he wants to go he WILL....remove yourself from that thought process completely can't control him...only you...
this is all about what behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable in YOUR life/home/world/universe

It just does not work for me to see you hopscotch between OW and me. You say you aren't sure which one you want? Well, that isn't very inspiring to me. You pledged eternal love and commitment to me on our wedding day, but it seems that you have forgotten that.
I like that paragraph....leave it in there somewhere....

You were my true love and the only one I ever wanted. I only want you for myself and don't want to share you with anybody else.
I like this paragraph also..but change don't want to share you with anybody else to will not share our marriage with anyone else.

Tell him about envisioning a marriage way differently than you have had up to now...that you believe in a marriage where two poeple talk and share about thier days, dreams, and wants and needs. And that is what your goal is and what you are striving for...


"Dear H. I have done some intense thinking while you were gone. I have tolerated some extremely painful things in the past three months and really believed you wanted to end your affair with the otherwoman every time you went away.


Bottom line is actons have and always will speak louder than words.
I have come to a place where I can and will not tolerate such pain and disrepect in my life, my home, and my world.

It just does not work for me to see you hopscotch between OW and me. You say you aren't sure which one you want? Well, that isn't very inspiring to me. You pledged eternal love and commitment to me on our wedding day, but it seems that you have forgotten that. You were/are my true love and the only one I ever wanted. I only want you for myself and will not share you with anybody else.

I apologize for any and all mistakes that I have made in our marriage that brought you to a place of feeling badly about our relationship. I am working really hard at envisioning our marriage as it should be, and want nothing more than the opportunity to get there.

I want you to leave. I can no longer be part of such pain, deceipt, and disrepect. So in attempting to hold onto all those things that I know are good about you. And those things that I love dearly about you need to find somewhere else to live right now.

My greatests hopes are to someday bring our family back together. The process of getting us to that point is up to you. I continue to hold in my heart a marriage and family built together by the two of us...and worked on by the two of us. I believe in you, but it hurts to much right now to have myself with you and I will no longer take part in letting that pain into my world.

May God bless your days and guide your ways!
I love you BS".

Thisis..I don't want to take over your letter...
FUNNY cause that appears to be exactly what I did... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Look at it see what you think..perhaps others will have thoughts...

What are your plans if he refuses to leave?
Also do you have the OW number/name....might be time to have a little chit chat with her...
wonder if she aware that he was attempting to be intimate with you two nights ago...
ARK