I have been married for 36+ years. I found out during our first year of marriage that my wife was having an affair, confronted her and she said it would end. I was 20 years old and believed her. I don't know if it did end then or later but now 35 years later I caught the two of them in a compromising situation, she admitted at first to only a PA, said it was just the sex. Later she admitted to the EA. She said it had just resumed two months before I caught them. To my knowledge it has ended but how do you really know. I love my wife but this just about killed me, I forgot to mention I found out about another affair about 12 years ago with a different man. I want to believe she loves me and theis behavior will end but find myself doubting everything she says. We have been seperated for about 6 months, started marriage counseling last week. Counselor suggest we get back together and make a six month committment to make it work? Am I crazy? Is it possible for her to change and for us to be happy? I am an emotional wreck, can't eat, sleep or concentrate. Any suggestions would be appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Wow three affairs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Do you have kids? If so how old?

It sounds to me like she is a serial cheater and might never change. Did she say why she had the multiple A's? Do you want to make your M work? As important, does she?

Please find some friends or family that you can go to for suppport. When I found out about my WW's A (D-day) I waited months before telling others. Stupid, stupid, stupid. My friends and family have been nothing but supportive. I wish I would have gone to them sooner.

Remember the A's are not your fault. You have to understand that before you can start to better yourself. I would suggest you get "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" from the bookstore here. Excelent reading! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Read as much as you can and post often!

The emotional roller coaster does get better.

STTSI

Solomon,
Your wife sounds like she has an established pattern of infidelity. Being caught twice, now a third time indicates she may not want to change.

Counseling is an excellent step, if you have a good counselor.

The book TORN ASUNDER by Dave Carder outlines a 6 month commitment and steps to take within those 6 months. Since this is what your C recommends, read that book if you can. But as I recall, the wayward spouse agrees to NO CONTACT with the affair partner during that time. Is your wife willing to make that commitment? If she doesn't want to work on the marriage with no contact, accountability while separated, sometimes there is little reason to reconcile as living together may not change that either.

However, if you are willing to give it the 6 months, using either Torn Asunder methods or Marriagebuilders Plan A with Policy of Joint Agreement or some combination, (they go together pretty well), in six months you can re-evaluate if the marriage is working. You'll have given it your full effort and if it isn't working out, you likely won't regret trying.

None of us can tell you your wife will change, that's not to say she can't change, but she has to be willing, her change is in her control, not yours. You can't change her. You can encourage her, support her, love her.

Yes there are children but all married. Did not tell anyone about the first affair until now, told very few family members about second one. Did not tell "ANYONE" about the most recent for 4 months and only then when she moved out because she couldn't handle the way things were going. There have been rumors of others but cannot confirm and she will not admit unless concrete proof. She says they were a result of her being unhappy and making terrible choices. These men have used her and she says she now sees that. She says she wants to change and is in individual counseling but is still not admitting everything to her counselor and still does not tell me the truth about things. If I questions things she gets very upset. Not many people know about the recent affair but the ones who do know are close to me. They think I am crazy for even thinking of trying to make it work. OM is out of the picture as far as I can tell. She says she will do anything to make it work. She is a very respected member of our community and is devastated that people might find out. Sorry that this is not better organized but my head is not exactly working to well.
Thanks

I am very sorry for you but something stands out for what you have written. You stated that there were probably more affairs because of talk but in essence you know of three. She is a serial cheater who has put your health at risk and made a mockery of your marriage. This is rich that she is a respected member of the community and does not want other to find out about her destructive and selfish and humiliating behavior towards you.
It would look bad for her to be divorced. Of course she is begging you to come back. She loves the respectability of a marriage and apprarently the ability to fool her husband time and time again so she can continue with her behavior.
I agree with your friends. You don't derserve this and she does not deserve you. Consider yourself lucky that you did not pick up any STD's.

If I questions things she gets very upset.

She says she will do anything to make it work.

I believe if she wants it to work, she has got to start being an open book. Account for every second of her time, never change her plans on the spur of the moment. These two statements of yours conflict. If she really is willing, she should act like it. I think she is holding back. It's what she does, ( gets angry when you question her) more than what she says ( I am willing to do anything) that shows me that she is not really willing yet. I am afraid after all you have been through that it may best to say " when you are willing to give full disclosure, let me know, otherwise, it looks like just talk. I need your actions to match what you say."

I don't believe after all this that you should reconcile unless she can show with all her heart that she wants things to work. Holding back doesn't do this for you. I would also wonder if I had the full truth. I don't know how you can verify this part, but after so many problems, you must have a hard time trusting her. Perhaps she can be the one to come up with a way to verify so that you will be happy. She created the problem, and if she wants it fixed, she should be doing the work to restore trust. It won't happen overnight, that is something both of you need to understand. She must earn it back over time by what she does daily.

I hope you can both come up with a plan you can both be happy about. That's what it will take.

SS

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks for your replies, in my situation it is hard to see some of the things you folks have brought up. It is also good to hear from someone who understands my situation . My family and friends are great but they want to protect me from hurt and don't always look at the whole picture. I have found out in couseling that I am co-dependent and have been for years. This makes it hard to confront her. I know I have to take a stand but her reaction is hard for me to handle. She knows how to push my buttons. If we don't try the six month trial, what would you suggest? Thanks again for the input, it is greatly appreciated.

I think getting back together for 6 months is a good start.

Before you actually do get together, you should put some boundries in place. In other words, what things will be like and what you will accept. If she won't agree to boundries up front, then it won't work. Things like accounting for all her time, 15 hours a week together to grow your love, counseling etc. Talk about these things before hand and use POJA to negoiate this stuff.

Counseling with the Harleys ( this site) would help you get these things in place and increase your chances of success. Don't be afraid to get all the help you can get.

How are you holding up now?

SS

I have my highs and lows. A few days ago I didn't know if I could go on, the low was almost as bad as the day I caught them but I got through it. She has been away for a week with our daughter who had surgery, I was there for a few days then returned home to take care of things. She is coming home tomorrow, we have a couseling session early next week. I wish I could tell her exactly how I feel but my personality will not let me. I know I must stand up to her and tell her no more using me, I have no trust and she must earn it, she must be honest about her past and be honest in the future. I think her lack of truthfullness is worse than the affairs. It shows me she has no respect for me and feels I can't handle the truth. Is it better that I find out some other way and then wonder what else has gone on that I do not know about. The mind and imagination can be very cruel. Thanks for your post, I really look forward to them and thanks for asking about me. It is good to know someone cares.

If you have a hard time saying what you need, perhaps you could write it all down - do an outline and then fill in the details as you talk to her.

You probably already know that the ups and downs will continue. You may see your doctor about some anti depression drugs, it looks like about half of us here use them for at least a while. Most report they really help.

Let us know how things go, we care.

SS