Hi all. I accidently posted a question in the wrong topic area - under pregnancy/child. If anyone has time to read my entry under that topic I would appreciate it- it is titled, first time. I am new to the discussion groups and am learning to navigate these sites.
Thanks.

Here is a link to Elli's post:

Elli's Post

OK, what do you want? You say your M is getting better, right? If so, just call the OM and tell him you want to work on your M and you can't do that if you are still in contact with him (OM). I assume your H knows about the A? If not tell him NOW! If he does sit down with him and write a NC letter and have your H send it off.

Do NOT go and spend the weekend with OM if you want to save your M. Further still do NOT spend the weekend with OM even if you don't want to save your M, you are still married.

I am a BS and my WW's A is still on going so I am out of my element here. Hopefully some other WS's will reply. It sounds like you want to save your M. Stay with the counselor. You do NOT need to put up with his abuse. He can change IF he wants to.

Good Luck, and saty with your H for that weekend!

STTSI

Elli if you think you feel bad about ending things with your OM now, it will be a thousand times much worse if you go thru with your planned weekend with him afterwards. What credibility will you have in your H's eyes, if you are going to marriage counseling with him, while at the same time taking serious steps to take your A into the physical level? Your H may not be able to forgive you for what he will rightly consider a double betrayal on your part. So please think about these things before you let your feelings for the OM take a hold of your senses.

Thank you both, too much coffee and still trying to save it. I appreciate your words and response and think people, such as yourselves, will give me the strength to stop this foolish behavior. I never, ever thought someone like myself would be caught in such a predicament (I never even cheaten on a test before, let alone a loved one!).

I am supposed to meet with OM in 7 days so... I'll keep logging on and looking to build the inner strength I need to write that letter, make that call, etc.

If you have any respect for your H, than please do not go see him and end all further contact with OM.

STTSI

Elli,

It looks like your posts have attracted lots of attention from betrayed husbands, including me. I admire the restraint and willpower you've already shown by posting your doubts on this site. Many WS about to take an EA to the PA level would not show the courage to post on an infidelity recovery forum.

I can only offer my ditto to what has already been said. The main question you have to answer, and I think from your posts you aren't clear about it yet, is whether you want to save your M. The choice is still yours now. If you cross the next boundary with this OM and your H finds out (and statistically speaking, the majority of men find out about their W's affairs eventually), you will no longer have the choice. At that point, the choice to go or stay resides with him, and many men choose to leave. And even if he stays, your recovery will be so much more difficult than it could be now.

It's up to you, but since you've solicited our advice, mine would be this. First, tell your husband about the online affair now, today, including your plans to meet with the man for sex on your weekend getaway. Tell him that the reason you are telling him is because you want to save your marriage and want his help in overcoming your feelings for the OM. Answer all his questions (do not hold back, even if you know the truth will be devastating). Second, write a NC letter to the OM. Do not tell the OM in the letter how you feel about him. Use the examples on this site to form the content of the letter. Show it to your husband to get his approval. Let your husband mail the letter to the OM. Third, find yourself a good MC, someone who believes in saving marriages and who has experience with affairs. Fourth, tell your H about this site so that he can also get support for his feelings. Finally, congratulate yourself for being stronger than many of the WS's out there who didn't show any restraint and destroyed their own lives in addition to their spouses' and children's.

Be strong.

3XL

Wow! You have been through a lot yourselves and I have to congratulate you on your courage.

I take your advice to heart. I am expecting OM to call me tonight at 8 PM (ct) and I will tell him it is over. I then will confront my husband and I am 50/50 about staying with this marriage. Unfortunately, I have some healing and growing to do and our relationship has too much resentment and disrespect for us to grow.

Thank you, thank you to all who have responded to me. Please, know you are making an impact as I am at a crucial/pivital stage of the affair.

Finding strength and insight,
Elli

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Elli:

I then will confront my husband and I am 50/50 about staying with this marriage. Unfortunately, I have some healing and growing to do and our relationship has too much resentment and disrespect for us to grow.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bravo Elli!

A lot of people on this forum will be happy with a 50/50 chance. Those are good odds if both parties are willing to work at it.

You really show intelligence and courage and I hope these traits will help you to not only save your M, but also to improve it.

Good luck and God Bless

GreySkies

Thank you Grey Skies.

Your words are appreciated.

God Bless,
Elli

I would love a 50/50 chance!

If you are open and honest with your H and if you and H fill out the EN questionaire you could have a M like never before. Unfortunately, most men don't listen to their wives unhappiness until learning of their A. Elli, you are fortunate in that you EA has not gone to a PA. This will make it easier for your H to want to stay. This might be the necessary step to make him want to work on the M.

You should get the book His Needs/Her Needs from the bookstore here. Both you and H should sit down and fill it out. Also, look into marital counseling, the Harley's are excelent!

Just remember a 50/50 is better than nothing.

STTSI

Well.... sorry to say the phone call thing didn't work. I told him no more and why but then we started chatting (we do that so well) and we will still be contacting one another.

I cannot believe this! I cannot believe my pitiful weakness. This is terrible. I know I must find the strength to tell my husband and do a NC letter. Is there a courage pill I could take or something?

I am going to continue working on this - I will not stop. My family is worth it.

Don't beat yourself up, it's tough to end an A, and the FWS's here will tell you that your 'weakness' is something they too experienced when they tried to end their A's. Just because you fell off the bandwagon doesn't mean that you can't get back on.

Next time consider telling OM that you already told your H and watch if OM doesn't make himself scarce. Somehow the typical OM seems to loose interest in a WW once she has informed her H of the A and especially about him. Give it some thought.

Gosh, Elli!

I am a former WS who started out with an EA, long distance--phone calls, email, IM's. (met via internet-yecch!)

Elli, please cancel out RIGHT NOW with this SC. You are married just about the same amount of time I was when I BEGAN my emotional affair and PA.

Guess what, Elli? I'm divorced now, and my now exH won't forgive me and he wouldn't before our divorce was final.

I am earnestly trying to prove to him that I am worthy of his love. I still love exH, and I"m heartsick that I've lost him.

Where's OM? Like your OM, I found out when I was INTO the A that he'd had other EA's and one other PA. I am sure he was a serial cheater, on an emotional or physical level.

Was I a serial cheater? No. I was a dumb woman who got swept away by some ridiculous fantasy. OM said all the right things, and I fell for it. I don't blame him though, I blame me. As I got to know him better, I figured it all out much better, and sadly I lost my kind , stable husband.

By the way, OM's wife seemed to ignore his cheating. To my knowledge (there's NC) he is still married to her, and will be forever. I'm sure he's by now messing around with someone else. (OM and I last saw each other in July) Gosh, Elli, even during my A with OM I could see that he was already leering at other women, and on the way to cheating on me. Chances are, the OM you're involved with is of the same material.

I'll have to pay for my A, for the rest of my life.

Elli, don't put your loyalties with OM, put them with your husband.

Thank God you came here now, before you made bigger trouble in your life.

Please do the RIGHT thing.

God bless,
H_P

It is so, so wonderful to hear others who have been in this same situation!! I know, he tells me and it is clear he has feelings for me - I love the attention. He is soooo not the "one" for me as my H is my perfect match. The OM can't be trusted and has a problem with alcohol (I think, he sounds drunk sometimes).

Why if it is so clear I am being destructive to myself and others that I enjoy this relationship so? There is no future for us only sadness. I think I need to learn to love myself. The more I hear from you all the less chances there are of me going through with this.

I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare and the keys is to wake up but I am more afraid of reality even though the dream sucks.

Thank you all. I will continue to build the strength to end this - I'll have to work quick - our plans are in 6 days.

Hopeful_Person - How long did your A go on? What is your story? How did H find out?

Thanks,
Elli

Elli,

Please... DON'T DO IT! You will regret it for the rest of your life. You've read my post... thank youf or your reply... and hope you will not make the same mistake that I did.

~God bless~

Elli-

Take the others advice and don't walk away but RUN!! YIKES!!! You mentioned something about being in a nightmare but I'd suggest you've only experienced a bad dream so far that your M can definitely recover from. It may seem exciting in the short term but you'll regret meeting this guy for the rest of your days if you go through with it. Good luck and god bless!

Hi~
I have been following your posts here. I am a lurker coming out to share my story with you in hopes that it might help you even more to STOP this horrible destruction not only to yourself but your M as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well.... sorry to say the phone call thing didn't work. I told him no more and why but then we started chatting (we do that so well) and we will still be contacting one another. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This SC sounds like a master manipulator to me but that too comes with the territory of being who/what he is.

I am a WS as my H is also a WS. MY betrayal was very recent and I am still living with the guilt and the REGRET of my own stupidity. I KNEW full well what I was getting into as this was a planned thing for many years...I just didnt have the guts ( so to speak ) to fulfill the plans until I convinced myself that it would be OKAY to do this because of all the S**T I put up with in regard to H's A years ago. I was mostly afraid of being caught and had I used heed in my own fears and instincts I wouldnt be where I am now.

Your OM sounds much like the one that I was involved with and I KNEW how he was yet I continued on with it nonetheless. I KNEW he was a player even though he tried often to convince me otherwise. His lies...I could SEE right through them but I still wanted him...thought I needed him and in spite of it all I thought perhaps I could have my cake and eat it too. NONE of what happend between the OM and myself was worth a second of the pain,guilt,shame,sorrow,despair,agony, etc etc I went through and am still going through even now. FWIW, the physical part of the A was ONCE....but that tormented me for weeks until I confessed to my H. My H knew all along what was going on and I continued to deny it. This OM made me feel "good" but of course he also knew just what I needed in order to hook me. He saw me as I was...NEEDY and he played on that. Told me EVERYTHING I hadnt heard in SO long from H and made up his own little heartbroken saga to go with mine. He told me he hadnt ever done "this sort of thing" before and he was going to do all he could to not only keep this between the two of us ( our own special SECRET) but to also look out for me. During the EA part of this stupidity he was oft times horrible to me but would turn it right around and play the sweetheart and I clung to that part of him...again because I "NEEDED" him...he made me laugh he made me feel sexy he made me feel good about myself he boosted my self esteem to the point of skyrocketing. When the A went from EA to PA I took it upon myself to initiate as I felt he was loosing "interest" in me..couldnt let THAT happen! Afterall he was making me "so happy" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot believe this! I cannot believe my pitiful weakness. This is terrible. I know I must find the strength to tell my husband and do a NC letter. Is there a courage pill I could take or something?

I am going to continue working on this - I will not stop. My family is worth it. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your weakness isnt pityful! Since you realize your weakness gain strength from that....What could result in this IF you carry this on or out any more with OM WILL be not only pityful but a whole lot of other emotions you CAN avoid if you just STOP this NOW.....You already KNOW what sort of person this OM is..and you mentioned something about the possibility of his having a drinking problem...girl, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.. .that in combination with everything else thats against you in this..PLEASE do NOT do this!

If there were a courage pill or any other sort of pill to take to STOP ourselves from entering into this sort of thing then there wouldnt be cheaters. Draw from within yourself and look at your H and WHO he is and see what it is that first drew you to HIM........do whatever you have to do do NOT go off with this OM.......PLEASE!!

Elli,

I have replied to another post you had and there assumed that the planned meeting was off. From this post it seems that you are still entertaining the idea. NC is difficult, but do yourself, your H and your M a huge favour - cancel the meeting.

This A will come to light, believe me, whether by your choice or by accident. For the BS it is bad enough to come to grips with betrayal by EA, but PAs leave visions that are very difficult to forget. DO NOT DO THIS.

I understand that in the flush of excitement, the quasi-romantic aspect of an A, you cannot think clearly and that the OM looks like the most desirable and wonderful person on this planet. However, from your posts my objective opinion of this person is that he is a serial cheater, most likely with an alcohol problem to boot. It is also almost a given that he has had more As than the few he "confessed" to you. Is this really the person you want?

Be strong Elli, cancel the plans and get a small victory in this battle.

GreySkies

Okay, how do I write this letter? Do I do it by e-mail? I am gaining more isight and strength the more I read your words. I have read Dr. Harley's advice but what do you all think - I am sure there are variations? Right?

I will write this letter (that will be my mantra)

Elli