Hi,

First of all, English is not my native tongue so I hope I will express myself clearly enough.
I recently caught my wife in an affair. After a week of reflections and talks with myself and my wife, I concluded that I was neglecting her needs on several points (according to Dr. Harley web site). But I absolutely want to fix things between us. So I bought couple book from Dr. Harley (His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair) and I am in the process of reading them. But since English is not my native tongue, it takes me a great deal of time to read those books. Although, I think I understand my faults and I do a great deal of efforts to ameliorate myself. But this is the point:
I am presently completing my master grade (Ms.c), 1 year left. Unfortunately, I’m a kind of slow learning guy. So my studies take a lot of time (studies, researches, labs…). Not to mention that I’m leaving at one hour of bus from my university (2 hours a day). Now, you can see the picture? I neglected my wife because of spending too much time in my studies. So I’m trying the 15 hours of Undivided Attention proposed by Dr. Harley. Naturally, my performances at school dropped significantly… critically. My problem is that I’m a lot older than the other students (I worked 10 years in another domain) and I will not have another chance. If I failed now (after 8 years of efforts) I will be too old to restart again. I can not see clearly in all this now. It seems that I will have to drop or neglect something, even if I absolutely do not want to. So I ask you some advices: does my couple have to past before my own goals? Am I too selfish? It took me 8 laborious years and I have almost finished my master grade… and I love her so much… Does anyone have some wisdom pearl to share with me?

P.S. My wife is absolutely not sure if she wants to stay with me because she do not believe me when I tell her that I will not always be as busy as I am now. But I am convinced of that. I can see that the kind of life I’m leaving now is pleasant for no one, me first!

Geo,

I am fairly new also, but wanted to acknowledge your post, and your difficult problem.

Your English sounds just fine, by the way.

Can you tell us more about your marriage, your history with your W. Do you have kids? Has your W tried to explain her frustrations to you in the past? What was said about this?

Hi Eleanor,
Yes, of course I can!
I’m 31 years, and we engaged 5 years ago and we still have no kids (thanks god). The two first years together were just wonderful, exceptional for both of us. I was engaged in my studies process at this time, since 3 years. I did not had the necessary scholar background to go to university, so I restart from secondary second, than college, than undergraduated (there is a conversion between English and French, but that represent 10 years that I did in 4). I think that during those two first years, we really met each other needs.
But by the time, for a reason that I have not yet discovered, I began retiring in my solitary shell. I think that was because the pressure was hard on me from the competition at the university. The better the score the better the chance to be accepted at the master grade. Gradually, my desire to have a good job later for me became to have a good job later for us. So I pushed even harder. I was not fulfilling her financial needs and I was feeling it (students are always poor). Though, I effectively got terrific scores. And I was easily accepted at my master grade. But by the time, I think I became a little catatonic toward my dear love. Gradually, she started going out more and more often.
Last July, we moved in another city. It was only for me because it was for my studies. My dear love lost her friends circle and was forced to change her job. It was very hard on her. But I lost mine too. Well, not lost, but they were not right beside me anymore. But I think my wife did not saw this. My wife is a very social kind of person. She wanted other friends, so she gets out even more often than before. That was annoying me. At this point, I think we were engaged in the wheel of ignoring each other needs. Eventually, last Christmas she met someone that was really giving her what she needs: passion, tenderness, admiration… So, she felt in love with him. At this time, I was (naturally) lost within myself in my solitary shell. I discovered that she had an affair from her private communication with him. She never told me (gee that hurts). This was a couple of weeks ago.
When I discovered this, I started thinking about myself. I started reading books of Dr. Harley. I began to talk to her to understand. She was willing to talk, but she do not know what to think now. I began applying the advises from Dr. Harley (15 hours of Unconditional Attention per week… I never thought 15 hours was as much time as this!). But, this way I neglected my studies and at the mid-session exams, I did a very poor score. I’m beginning to be seriously not to date in my works. Two weeks is an eternity in the university time.
So I face this terrible dilemma: my plan of career or my plan with my dear love. If she could only show a little willing to save our couple, I could easily make the choice. But she does not believe me that I can satisfy her needs anymore. (I don’t blame her) Right now she is still with me, and that is a good point. But she is waiting for me to prove my sayings. She’s with me but she’s not. She’s waiting, but don’t want to take actions. She tells me she wants to read the books, but don’t do it. She tells she want to share time with me, but still go out. I will gladly lessen my scores at the university, if she is just willing to try again. But she just doesn’t know. And the poor me, the dead line for my next exams are coming so fast.
So, I can continue with her and possibly scrap my session. But I’m willing to. If I do that, I can say goodbye to Ph.d. Or I can think only to my own future and let her go.
Right now, I just do not have enough wisdom to decide. And if I do not decide fast, I will lost the two.
(pfff, it take me almost 2 hours to wrote this)

Thank you very much for reading me!

sit tight Geo!

I will take the time to read your post tonight, and give you intelligent feedback tomorrow.

In the meantime: breath!

Thanks Eleanor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
By the way, I saw your signature

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
...
In Plan A, but feel like I can't do this anymore...so tired.
WS: Home with us, but on the fence with me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It does not seem more funny for you. If you want to talk about something, go ahead. I can write, but I can read too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sometimes it is easier to find solution for someone else than for ourselves.

Hi Geo,

I read your post, and feel I understand some of your issues. As a person who studied for years and years, and felt very pressured to succeed, I understand the dilema you face: studies vs. relationship.

You also say: you went into a shell...so this makes me wonder, was it the intense studies that made you unavailable for you W, or the shell you went into bcs of your stress, and even worry over not being able to fulfill her needs. Did you put your head in the sand a bit?

Personally, I know what it is to work hard and study hard, and I think it is possible to spread 15 hours of relationship time over a week. It's about 2 hrs a day: coffe in the morning, dinner, cuddle at night. If even that is going to threaten your studies, you may want to consider take a leave of a few months from your Phd...I know this is possible in many circumstances.

The fact that she is still at home, and willing to explore your M is a GREAT sign. It may be hard for her to read the books and approach the problem the same way you did, so be patient and wait for her to respond.

There is still alot you can do to meet her needs and show her you care without resorting to quitting school/studies. The books you mention, and this site, are full of info.

DOes she understand you are doing all this work so that your family will be secure in the future? Is she happy with what she is doing in life?

You sound so forgiving and full of good intentions. Show her your feelings. It might be that she really feels completely out of touch with you and how you feel. Until now, have you had a difficult time showing/expressing your love?

As for me: yes i am having a hard time. I posted my story a few days go, you can find it by looking at my recent posts. I am so drained I don't even have the energy to summarize it for you.

ANd yes I often find it much easier to hear other people's problems and help them, rather than deal with my own, which I seem unable to solve.

Oh Eleanor, I think you put the finger on several points!

I thought about what you said, and this is what I think.

My solitary shell
I think part of my shell was because of social pressure and poor confidence in me. Until the age of 23, I was doing little of my life and I felt that no one was really proud of me (not even me). So I decided I would prove everyone I was able to do something great (return to school). But it was really harder than I thought it would be. Because I did not want anyone to know that I found it hard, I began keeping everything inside me. With time, it became a habit. When I met me my wife, I really enjoy sharing those secrets. But the habit gain over. I was not realizing it at this time.
I think you point me something that I have completely missed. Yes I think I put my head in the sand quit a bit. I think that I did not want to believe that we have difficulties to understand each other just because we love each other. This way, I was not receptive to her needs. And she was hoping that I would guess what she needed. I think this was basically a communication problem.

But now, some other problems surfaced. I think I ever have problems with interpersonal relationship. I had two major love stories before my wife. The two stories ended by an affair. They leave me for someone else. As I can see this, I have difficulties fulfilling someone else needs and I have problems accepting to depend on someone else. Now that I think about it, I don’t even have a good friend to talk to. When I want to talk, I call my mother or my sister. I think I have a great deal of effort to do about this. But that is frightening me a bit because I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do. What it is sure is that I have a difficult time showing or expressing my love (wife or friends). So if you have books to recommend, it will be most appreciated.

15 hours of relationship
Yes you’re right. Now I’m in the process of restructuring my schedule so I can be the most productive in all aspect of my life. I think I will write down my daily schedule. This way, the 2 hours a day with my wife will be like rendez-vous. I think this could be… exciting. Like dating when we first met. What you thin about it? Do you think she will feel too imprisoned? I will talk her about this tonight.
As for my Ph.d, I will not do it now. May be in couple of years, but now I want a more “normal” life for a time. After all, Ms.c is not so bad. I think I can be proud of me now.

Does she understand you are doing all this work…
Right now… no. She is not really in to mood to understand me because she doesn’t understand her. May be if I am patient... And yes I think she is happy with what she is doing with her life (her job I mean).

Resuming, I face a greater problem than I thought because I am not sure I can fulfill her needs considering my difficulties with relationship (at large). That troubles me a lot. I feel like I have too much to do, and I have to do it right now or I loose all. Worst, I feel I'm alone to do it. But at least, you helped me clarify several points and I am most thankful.

Gee, I have so much to say and not enough time...

By the time, I will try to find your posts.

Geo,

Sorry to have "dissapeared". I've been busy. And tonight I am not feeling too great. Had a great day with the h and kids, only for H to get "down" at the end of the day. It's like he can get instantly depressed and negative about all of us, for no particular reason.

I hate it, get scared and feel angry.

I feel totally alone in my problems, and alone to try to solve them, which I do not seem able to do. I have few options: stay and struggle in this marriage, or wreck my family and end my kids' chances of growing up in a loving family. There is no way out, and no way to be happy.

Sorry for being uselss to help you with your problems tonight.

Hi, Eleanor,

It’s OK, you do not absolutely have to help me. The fact to write things down helped me to understand some points. And anyway I have little time left too!

By the way, I have read your posts. Well not entirely because I have to read with a dictionary… but I’m on it. My first impression is that he is afraid no to fulfill your needs, as he is afraid to mess all that he does… I think. I think I have some points in common with your H and that is the way I could feel in his situation. What is troubling me is that he doesn’t want to work on himself. That is letting me… perplexed. Anyway, I have to read a little more to fully understand the problem.

I will post you as soon as possible, but I have to leave for the weekend.

And do not worry about me, do not put pressure on you for me. You have enough hard time like this. Try relax, sleep and eat well. I think I know how you feel alone, this is a really hard feeling to live with. At least, try do thing for you : bath, listen to your favorite TV show, buy you a little surprise… Try to think to YOU a bit. Whatever becoming, you will always be with you at the end.

See you next Monday
P.S. I will post this on your post too.