The Lunchtime Report!

Okay, well, I’m not sure if you’re waiting for this or not, but here’s the lunchtime report, like it or not!

Actually, it went better than I expected. Funny how sometimes I’m caught off guard when I least expect it. I was expecting her to come in and out and be very distant, and it wasn’t that at all.

W stayed for about 15-20 minutes, probably the maximum amount she could stay, so this was a surprise. I was eating some french bread pizza I made at the time for lunch. Asked if she wanted some, she said sure! Offered her a Snapple and some chips, she had that too. She even helped herself to a fortune cookie I had laying there. So we stood around the kitchen island and talked as we ate.

I asked her about the cat, about her job and the happenings there, what she’s been working on, etc. She brought me cash for the car registration and filled it out, all I need to do is sign it. She asked me for a box of tissues and I gave her one to take to work with her. I noticed she was wearing a sweatshirt that I’d bought for her a couple years back.

I told her that I was hurt by the lack of her email responses lately. She told me that she was sorry she hurt my feelings, and that she has not been ignoring just me, but everyone, including a good friend of hers from childhood who she talks with through email, and even her Mom. She just was not in the mood to email lately. So that was the conversation/explanation there. I validated and did not go any further with it.

She went over to greet the fish as she sometimes does. I told her they needed to be fed so she took care of that, mixed them up some nice frozen food (they are saltwater fish). She then asked me if I needed someone to come and clean the fish tank or feed them while I was gone. I have already lined people up to do it, so I told her not this time, but thanked her very much for offering. More on that in a minute.

I had found our little Furby that we bought years ago and always used to love playing with, she woke him up and played with him a little bit. A nice little non-threatening reminder of that past, I thought.

She told me she was having trouble sleeping and wanted to know if I knew where her earplugs were. So we searched around the house a little bit for them, but no luck. I told her I would try and track them down for her.

I planted the seeds for a visit next week, telling her I was going to have some tax forms done and would she be able to come over and sign them. She said definitely, and told me to let her know when I had the ready, and she would come over.

She also went into her massive pile of stuff downstairs that I’ve gathered and took a book that she wanted. It was a book from an art exhibit that I took her to a couple years ago. She said she was thinking of going back. I didn’t say anything, though that hurt to hear a bit because I suspect she will be taking OM there. It is hurtful to see her replaying the things she and I did with a new guy. I feel that erases the memories of the things she and I did together and replaces them with him in my place.

Before she left, by the way, she AGAIN told me if I ever needed anyone to come take care of the fish, to let her know. I told her I appreciated it and joked that she was welcome to come and clean them sometime when I wasn’t away if she wanted to! She laughed at that. I told her I’d throw in an added incentive, some pizza or something, she didn’t say no, but it didn’t seem as attractive to her.

I hate to say it, but I’ll be honest – I can’t trust her to do that right now. I know it’s still her house on the books, but she surrendered her keys when she moved out. And I’m not too keen on giving her a key back right now. In all honesty, I have visions of her and the OM coming over and doing god knows what in the bed or whatever, or just him being in this house. If it’s one thing I am happy about, it’s that I know for a fact nothing went on between she and the OM here, and he has NEVER been to this house. So I feel good here and I don’t want to even think of the possibility of him being here. This is something of course I could get over were W working on the marriage with me, but right now, knowing she is seeing OM actively, I am just not too keen on giving her a key and letting her know when I am going to be out of town. As much as I appreciated her offer, I just don’t trust that she wouldn’t bring OM over – “Hey, wanna see where I used to live and snoop through all my husband’s stuff? Etc etc…” Am I wrong to feel that way?

I think given the fact that her mood was so good and she was so open and stayed a while, I was reluctant to really push towards the honesty thing regarding being hurt. I still would have, given the opportunity, but the trip didn’t even come up once. So to suddenly blurt out “By the way, I am going to Florida because I am upset with our situation and need a break” would have been out of the ordinary.

So anyway,here’s my current state of mind – After today, okay, maybe nothing’s changed as far as her treatment of me. Maybe she and OM are not living together. Maybe they are. But the bottom line is that she and OM are still together and that’s not fading away. I wear my ring when W is here. She can see just by that, that I am still dedicated to this marriage. I know she must notice the ring. She must. She is still not brining up Dv papers or Dv at all. She has not asked to change the car registration to her name.

She did today on her way out say she had to stop by the post office. I worry that may be for her to change her mailing address. If she’s finally doing that, that’s a definite step further away from the house and the marriage, I’d say. I know it’s minor as far as the relationship, but the statement it makes I feel is a strong one. That after 4 months, she is taking the next step away from this house and no longer having her mail come here. Of course, if we go to Plan B, that’s a good thing anyway, since I won’t have to find a way to get mail to her.

In general, at least today in person, it was comfortable between us. I feel like we are friends and I think she feels I am a friend as well. That is just the mood of the room when she’s here. But I also don’t feel that she feels anything more for me than that right now. Just the vibe I get.

So, anyway, given the way this visit went today, let me know how you think I should proceed. If you think I should continue on with emails and be passive, or start more down the path of honesty and admitting I am being hurt by her actions, or somehow reveal that I know she is still seeing OM, let me know, folks.

ALS

ALS - you continue to do a good Plan A. It's obvious she's comfortable being in your presence because you've convinced her you're non-threatening. She's relaxed with you and will likely remain this way for as long as you can keep it up. She'll continue to be cordial, sweet, and not offensive because she senses you're doing just fine. This can go on for a long, long, long, long, long........... See where I'm going?

How long can you do this?

It would be great if you can last longer than it takes for OM to LB her back to reality. I hope that happens. But it might not.

I suggest you start thinking about Plan B.

You've met my entry conditions for it:

You're separated,

You've demonstrated your Plan A improvements,

She sees your worth and she's not pissed at you.

This could be the perfect time, IMHO.

I'm not saying the perfect time won't be here for awhile, but if something happens to make her less comfortable around you - which could be something out of your control - you'd be caught wanting to go to Plan B and not being in a good spot for it. Further, as your patience wears thin, you'll get periously close to LB'ing and running a high risk for getting "out of the groove." That also will not be a good time for Plan B - with a hard row to howe to get back to it.

You see, I think she's a totally deluded fence sitter.

She's in this delusional spot where she thinks you're gonna be just fine no matter what happens. She's comfortable. No pressure from any direction. She's got OM and you as a safety net to default back to. This can go on for a long time. Limbo land. Either you or OM will need to upset the status quo.

I say throw her to OM before she changes her view of you: Plan B. Create a void that has to be filled by OM.

Yep, this is a gamble that you shouldn't bet on without other views. Regardless, it won't hurt to get your Plan B letter ready.

Please think about it.

WAT

I think WAT is on to something. Dare I agree? I do dare.

Tough choices ahead, my brutha'.

WAT...

Man, when you're right, you're right!

Actually, coach Cerri has been talking to me about Plan B for some time now. And it's getting closer she says, she can feel it. Actually, would today's visit have not gone very well (W starting to get distant with me) I think Cerri was gonna have me starting up Plan B almost immediately.

And for the past week or so, ever since W's emails started to get cold or non-responsive, I've been working on my Plan B letter, too. So I'm right there with ya, man.

I have a hard time considering W a fence sitter, if only because she's never one told me she's trying to DECIDE between myself or the OM. She has chosen the OM, and every time I ask (though it's been a WHILE) her answer is the same. The M is over. No hope for us. She doesn't want me as a husband. Etc. We've all heard it before.

So yes, at some point though, I am still going to need to go to Plan B. I have doubts on what positive effects it will have, as being separated has allowed me very little contact with W already (plus, no kids) so the key is to get as much contact in as possible before Plan B begins. And keep it positive, as I've been doing. But you are right, that window is open NOW but it won't be open forever. W's attitude may change or MY attitude may change. I may LB whether I mean to or not and then Plan B won't be as effective.

She's in this delusional spot where she thinks you're gonna be just fine no matter what happens. She's comfortable. No pressure from any direction. She's got OM and you as a safety net to default back to. This can go on for a long time. Limbo land. Either you or OM will need to upset the status quo.

This is quite possible. I do worry, like you said, that she "senses I am doing fine" and that what she's doing doesn't seem to matter anymore. Right now, she's fine, she has a happy husband who does her favors and talks to her anytime, and a new OM as well that fills all her needs. I did worry when I first read about Plan A that it would give the W a false sense that her A was okay.

But anyway, Cerri and I are getting to a new point of Plan A, that is honesty. Somehow letting W know that her A is hurting me and that I am NOT fine. I am changing, learning, but I am still sad by what she is doing. Once that is made clear, Cerri thinks it will be Plan B time. The key is do it in a non-threatening way, but also do it BEFORE going to Plan B, so she at least isn't taken aback by the PB letter. I'll have given her a little preview, and an understand before she even reads the letter.

But anyway, that's all in planning phases now. Cerri's been helping me great so far (one key thing today was explaining to me how I need to make my problems with W about how they make ME FEEL, not what W does, but what I feel as a result of what she is doing). That really seemed to work out well. When I told her I felt hurt that she was ignoring emails, she apologized and explained why. And I validated that. But I got the point across without upsetting her at all and that was good. Cerri rules!

Anyway, WAT, like Cerri, your advice is sound and makes sense. I never wanted go to to PB but at least if I do, I will go knowing I did as good of a PA as a separated guy dealing with an ongoing A can do.

ALS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ALostSoul:
I have doubts on what positive effects it will have ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't forget the positive effects it will have on you. You've come too far. Remember, PB is about you, and just you, too.

Whippit, a very good point.

It's a little strange for me because I don't really feel the love for my W draining away, at least not as fast as it probably should be given the situation. I know that Plan A is about working hard to put your best foot forward until you lose so much love for your spouse that you must go to Plan B to protect that remaining love.

I do think that my love is dwindling, but I'm sort of using that as a guide as far as determining when it's PB time. I'm also taking advice of my coach (and of course, listening to what folks say here) regarding when a good time will be.

I don't have any set timeframe, but at this point, unless there is a drastic change, I do expect I will be entering plan B before or around the 6 month from D-Day timeframe. It's not that I have a rigid schedule, but given the way I feel today, and the way things have been going, I do believe that may be what ends up happening.

It's a shame it's coming to this, but a Plan A with a separation, no kids, and the OM still in the picture is tough. Because my D-Day was right when the EA started and turned PA soon after, it wasn't like this was an A that already had some stress on it. I expect it may last much longer than the average 6 month timeframe, and I have to have some limits.

But yes, the bottom line is I must realize that once I go to Plan B, I am doing it to protect myself more than anything else. Sure, it will be hard to start and I will miss W, but I also know that it's very liberating not having to worry about making contact, waiting for a phone call or an email, and the like. So in that regard it will be good. And I will still continue to hope that by some miracle, my W will decide we are worth another chance before she completely walks out of my life.

Time will tell, time will tell. I'm feeling good though, off to Florida with my friends tomorrow afternoon for a few days, looking forward to a break from all of this, and a nice vacation.

ALS

Alright, I am airport-bound! Catch you folks later. I'll say hi to Florida for you.

ALS

Hello from Sunny FLORIDA!!

My friends were all checking their email so I figured I'd just pop in and say hi to all my friends here at MB.

Obviously, no updates on my situation, I'm on VACATION!!! But I will say that this is highly recommended for anyone going through stress like this, just what I needed. A nice mental break. I wish I could take a vacation like this once a month!

Will be back on Sunday night, and ready to take the next steps, whatever they may be. 'Til then!

ALS

Hello from Sunny FLORIDA!!

My friends were all checking their email so I figured I'd just pop in and say hi to all my friends here at MB.

Hi, I ALS.... and I'm an MBaholic.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

A nice mental break. I wish I could take a vacation like this once a month!

I hope you're soaking up some of that sun for me!!

Will be back on Sunday night, and ready to take the next steps, whatever they may be. 'Til then!

Whew.... I better get caught up and be ready for the deluge!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Glad to hear you're having a good time.

C

Have fun, ALS!